ohdannyboyarts

[ohdannyboyarts]

Fuck yes. If it always can be this way than bring it on. I walked away with something new. But familiar all the same. The first steps of an actual adventure.

[ohdannyboyarts]

I miss you so much. Your smile. Your laugh. The conversations that build and get us excited. I really appreciate what you have given me. And I promise, I am patient and willing. I have so many ideas on art and how to show you off, so many ideas on how restrain you. Devices. Stories. Music. You have my mind going in so many directions all at once...how do you do that? You inspire me. You really do.

Of course I will always strive to be a good man. Its 2020 and the world has gone mad and it is not hard to make a mistake. All things given. This journey I am on is life long, with or without you.... I am determined to be happy and fulfilled. And I will be. Of course I will be strong, just consider everything I have been through and how I am still positive, still silly. Still learning. Consider that I have moved on, past you, before. Sure, it sucks. I am left with all the memories and all this love for you, seeing you everywhere I go, hearing you in songs. But I move on and I balance out and I end up maybe a little sad, but pretty much okay. But WITH you? I am unstoppable. A force of nature. You fill and I walk around feeling like a super hero. You truly are an inspiration to me. I am a very lucky man to have known you the way that you have allowed me to know you. I wouldn't trade our times together for anything...

And I know baby. I know you need your space and your time. You need your independence. You need me to listen. And to be considerate. To not force my own emotions on you. Or force emotions out of you. I was such a child and I am so sorry. Of course I will give you what you need. Of course. Really my dear, I am so sorry for not paying attention when you tried to tell me. I am so sorry for forcing you to deal with my personal depression and personal childhood issues...as if you were a cure. Or responsible. That was so shitty of me. I make no excuses. I am only admitting to what you have tried to tell me time and time again.

Please know this. Not once did I plan on being an asshole. Not once did I want to see you angry. Or anxious. Not once did I intend to fumble.

I accept your terms. With open arms I accept them all. And I am stunned. Completely stunned by you. Your ability to analyze and see things clearly, and your heart. You have such a big heart. Even with that poker face. Even when you hide it and are tough. Really, you inspire me. And its funny...

I am actually more excited for the future now then I was a few weeks ago. I can not wait to create and make art with you. And have it all structured. Peaceful. Fucking A, I swear I dont know what is more sexy, your amazing body or your beautiful mind.

(And one last time...I love you. I dont want to keep saying that. And I dont want to hear it from you. If and when that word is used, it will be earned. Life will be perfect. We both will have been consistent and honestly, I think I have a bunch left to learn before I can love the way its meant to be)

[ohdannyboyarts]

Ive been thinking of you. Of How you rope me in. Knowing what I want. What I need. Then these cycles of time where I love your ghost; when you come and go based on how you feel that day. How I would not cast you aside. Or leave you because things get hard. Every time YOU have been difficult, hard headed, anxious, needy, whatever you crave and desire. I do not judge you, and always see your beauty. And tell you about it. When you feel down I am there, to touch you and hold you and fall asleep with you.

Ive been thinking of how warm and loving I am. How yeah, I may not be perfect, and I may be a dog personality, but I lobe so incredibly hard. So totally. Unwavering. Its insane. Because you have not shown me that. You come and go as please. You have had me locked up. Twice. You have taken my son for 2 years. Then another year before that. Maybe it really is all me, and that i am just a horrible human? Maybe I do have so much left to learn. About me. About you. About relationships in general. At least I want to. At least I admit when I'm wrong and im willing to fucking learn and adapt. Do I have to go through the whole process without you and my family? After you gave me so much? After knowing I have a way to go, after knowing my past, you still gave me so much love and acceptance. A place to be. A family. And now what? Nothing? You have to leave? Your going back on all you said, all you promised? Just a week ago? For months now since you came back. I may not have been completely fine without you, i may have still been in love with you, but at least I was okay. At least I had found someone I made happy. I had friends. I worked. My art was growing. My tattoos were growing. And then you come along, again, and we began to build it all together. Again. And I'm sorry I got caught up in you. It was like, a dream come true? I had my family again. We were together and in love and strong. I wasnt trying to give up on my dreams, I was trying to catch up on all ive missed. On 2 years of loving you and missing you. I fell in love all over again, harder this time. Deeper. Fuller. Because not only did you give me the family ive always craved, YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE. You gave me, you. And I swear I wasnt trying to make a mistake. I wasnt trying to give up on my art and goals and work. I just got so...absorbed by you and our son that I did it again and i clung to hard, too fast. Because ive missed you guys so much. And im so in love. Please dont give up on me baby

God Damnit I am so fucking crushed. Still. I hate it!

[ohdannyboyarts]

She let me back in. To see her. All the pictures. All the joy. All her beauty. She called me. Told me to relax. To breathe. But here we are so many days later and I still cant. She takes my breath away. So so drop dead gorgeous. So RED. So not in love with me. I woke up from dreams. And of course she was there and its funny, we laying in the bed together. I doing that thing I do, where I gently touch her bare skin. Her back. Her neck. Her shoulders. Her legs. And I was sad...yep sad. Because in the dream I knew it felt like come morning, i wouldnt see has again for a long time. I have sort of dream a lot with her. Where we just sit and enjoy the little bit of each others company that we have.

I woke up missing her. I woke up and some part of thought she was close. I hate mornings. I hate every day, re realizing just how real this is. Just how real your gone. And like snapping fingers it comes rushing back. The sadness. The craving her. The missing. This hole hurts more and more. God I love the damn woman so much. This is so stupid. I'm like a teenager again, clueless of girls and how to deal with a broken heart. I got invited to a party last night, and I turned it down because what would she think of me? And thats crazy. She obviously doesnt love and miss me like this, so why should I care what she thinks of me? But so badly fucking do care. Already I'm starting the crazy. I want to relax today. Not go crazy missing this woman. But its early and the day always has some mystery to it when its first starting out.

I doubt your reading any of this, but if you are...I love you so baby girl. Always.

[ohdannyboyarts]

God I'm fucking dying

[ohdannyboyarts]

Baby I am so sorry. Sorry I wasn't the best. Sorry I slipped. Just so sorry

[ohdannyboyarts]

Then there was always that one band I could fall back one. The little bit of music not touched by you. And the same day I lost it all, you took that as well. Fucking A I'm a silly fucking mess these days

[ohdannyboyarts]

How can you search for something new and fresh while I am here begging you to let me love you?!? After all ive done to please you. The amount of time spent massaging and making you explode. Making you feel exactly how you wanted. How can you take all of the things from me, the sex and the love and the family, and tell me its okay? Relax? Stop being crazy so we can get past this? HOW DO I GET PAST YOU? How? It's been YEARS and I'm STILL so in love with you!!!! And still so willing to learn and grow. And be happy. Why is that nothing? Why am I nothing? Are you done with the beating? I understand and I get it okay? Do I have to lose you and watch you move on while still so in love with you and our son? Do I have to? Fuck me. This shit is hard and if anyone makes it seem simple they are full of it. I need to sign off and sleep

[ohdannyboyarts]

I just want to shut my mind off. Turn off the memories. They keep playing like a reel on repeat. A tease of what I can not have. Of what i did have. Of what will one day be some one else's. I can't think anymore. I'm going crazy over it. I have to stop.

[ohdannyboyarts]

Your just gonna leave this silly, big hearted guy out here for the wolves? Really? Why? I swear baby, I miss you. I know I'm not perfect but who is? I can acknowledge my faults. And I'm always ready to talk to you. You have wrapped me around your pretty little fingers, so either let me go or pull me in. Please? I'm so tired of loving your ghost during the times you walk away. Always scared I'll never see you again. That smile. That laugh. That body. Your sweet words. Everytime you leave I have this huge hole to fill. Please stop dragging me through this nightmare. When it doesnt have to be. We have dreams. And goals. And hopes. And each other. And your so beautiful. I don't like the things that cross my mind. I do not enjoy falling down. I'm not out here looking for the next mistake. I've lived a hard life. I do what I have to do to get over it. The meds. The therapy. The fucking struggle is real. But i struggle anyways. I try. I'm sorry I do not always understand everything, and its hard to always know your thoughts and feelings and how to communicate...i have huge blocks of time, years, with no real interaction with anyone at all, let alone someone I love and who loves me. I may not be 100% ready for it all. We might have to talk along the way. But I promise to listen. And give you space if you need it. If anything, all this has taught me that. I am willing to let go of my past and give you what you ask for, cant you be willing to care for me. Just a little? You don't have to be cold. I love you okay? You. All of you. Of course I'm willing to change for you. To give up on some dumb ways of thinking. Of course. Look at how far ive come, so fast. Is that nothing? Does that mean that by falling down ive lost all progress? No. That means we get up and try again. Thats the process. And I AM willing to learn from mistakes. Why do you think I'm so open? Damnit I wish you could just see inside my mind, just once, and feel what i feel. I love you okay. So damn much baby

[ohdannyboyarts]

Maybe shes running to another guy. Maybe shes running to family. Or to friends. Who cares?....

Shes not running to me.

So let her run a fucking marathon. Run wherever she wants. While I sit here and pick up what she left behind. Again.

And I still just...love her. I'm so screwed.

[ohdannyboyarts]

I'm so devastated. It sucks losing someone you look up to and love so much. I was doing so good. My life balanced. And then having her and my son were like icing on the cake. I didnt mean to slip back into old thoughts. I dont think anyone does. And I'm so very sorry for it. But I'm trying. You have to see that. Do I deserve to lose you over it? Do I have to always be alone? Why I always have to go through living with your ghost? Why do I have to always miss you? Why do you do this? Isnt it obvious that I will always come running to you? Isnt it obvious I love you so damn much? Isnt it obvious how badly I want someone to believe in me. Yeah I know I have to do things on my own, duh, but I dont have to love on my own, do I? I dont have to crave my family and crave your touch all on my own do I? Havent I been alone enough? Havent I spent enough time away from people and the world? Can you imagine the years ive spent cut off from everyone I love and care about? Have you ever went through that... YEARS of having no one but yourself? No one to love or to love you? Well I damn sure have and I'm over it. I may not be Mr. Perfect. Or the world's sexiest man. But I have a lot of love to give. A lot of life to live. Someone will accept me. There is someone out there who wont run away when things get hard. Who wont give up on me. Someone who will see what I have to share and want it. Who will understand that we cant always have laughs and sunshine, and we need rain and mistakes to grow. Who will think I am worthy. Who will appreciate all the time I spend massaging, and touching. Someone who would love it how I put their pleasure first. How good I am at it. Someone who loves me. That person is out there and baby I hope she is you. I really do. I love you with all my foolish heart ❤

[ohdannyboyarts]

This just hurts so much. How can you? How can you give me so much love and keep giving me hope and leaving me here

[ohdannyboyarts]

You just called me and told me you didnt love me. And that you were leaving with my son

[ohdannyboyarts]

You just said your leaving for a few months? I cant do it. I just want to die. You have ruined me. You are now taking my son

[ohdannyboyarts]

This just hurts so much. How can you? How can you give me so much love and keep giving me hope and leaving me here

[ohdannyboyarts]

I wish I never fell in love