ohforevertwentysomething-blog

[ohforevertwentysomething-blog]

A Walking Tornado.

That’s exactly what I am, a walking tornado. I literally ruin anything and everything I come in contact with. For what reason you might ask? I wish I knew, and I wish I knew how to stop being that way, especially now, especially today. Today was a doozie for my boyfriend and I. We’ve had this ongoing disagreement and rather than finally resolving it, we took a turn for the worse. He can’t seen to understand where I’m coming from and I can’t seem to understand why he’s so head strong about this situation. It’s tough and now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve pushed him away because of this, and I feel like he isn’t coming back.. so what do I do from here? We’re currently not speaking and I can’t help but sit here and drive myself crazy. Has he finally had enough of my craziness? Is he regretting getting himself into this? Is it too late to try and fix things? Again, I wish I knew. I don’t know why i do this or why I am the way I am. I personally believe it’s because of my past and the things I’ve went through in my previous relationships, but this one is so different that I know I shouldn’t compare them.. yet I do. I care about my boyfriend in a way that I have never cared about anyone before, and I genuinely believe he’s the one for me. We have our disagreements like this one but he’s something special. He challenges me, he supports me, motivates me. Someone like that is hard to come by and if things work out, I’m going to do everything I have to hold onto that. 

Did I mention tomorrow is our anniversary?

Oh, well it is. Happy Early Anniversary to me.

[ohforevertwentysomething-blog]

Exhausted.

Physically - Mentally - Emotionally, you know what I mean? I’m sure we’ve all been there a time or two. Lately, I seem to live there. This weeks post somewhat correlates to last week, minus a little confusion but add on a little more exhaustion. Working two jobs, 40+ hours a week is for the birds. Believe me when I say that. It’s not worth the paycheck you might receive. Yeah, you might have a little more leeway when you want to go out shopping or out to dinner with your friends on a Wednesday night. But do you ever stop to think about the wear and tear on your body? Your mind? Your health? Maybe you should. I’ve reached a whole new level of physical exhaustion. Lately, I’ve been working 14(ish) days straight, and then have a day off or two, and then work another 14(ish) days., not including the nights and weekends I’m on call. Not my best decision, but honestly, what else do I have to do? My boyfriend goes to school all week, my family is over bearing, half of my friends aren’t really my friends anymore. So that leaves me with working since I suck and don’t have a hobby. Alright, that’s not entirely true. I do suck, but I’ve started getting into photography. It’s one of my new passions but it’s taking awhile to get used to and to understand it enough to know what the heck I’m doing. But baby steps right? That’s the best way to do it.

Let’s move on to mentally, which goes hand in hand with physically and emotionally. The lack of sleep catches up to you let me tell ya. It distracts you from your everyday thoughts. You forget things you wouldn’t normally forget, you zone out during times you shouldn’t be zoning out, and you wish for nothing more than a break from the reality you’re living in. If only it were that simple at times. The best advice I can give you is to remember to take a break. Do this for yourself. It’s important. It’s highly beneficial and you will thank yourself later, I promise. 

Don’t even get me started on being emotionally exhausted. That seems to be a never ending battle I have. But what do you expect? I’m a 23 year old girl, that’s expected, or so I like to tell myself. For starters, being emotionally exhausted isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes life just throws you on this crazy roller coaster and all you can do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride. That’s what I’m doing, and I suggest that’s what you should do too. (well, those of you who care to read this). It’s inevitable. You’re going to reach peaks in your life which are ultimately followed by lows. Sometimes extreme lows, sometimes not. That’s the beauty of it. It’s unpredictable. It surprises people. It challenges people. It pushes people and allows them to fully realize the strength that they possess. Incredible. I sit here and i’m trying to put a positive spin on being emotional yet half of the time, I fail to see that positivity. But that’s alright. That’s something I’m working on, something I’m hoping to get better at and eventually use it to help me grow into a stronger, more aware, human being. 

Moral of this post -- exhaustion is good. It allows you to feel, to be more aware of what’s going on in your life, whether it has to do with work or being in touch with your feelings. It opens the door for growth and better things. Appreciate the exhaustion you might be feeling and use it as motivation to kick some ass tomorrow.

‘til next time,

Forever 20 Something.

[ohforevertwentysomething-blog]

Two Steps Forward & Three Steps Back.

Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, you just don’t seem to make any progress? Well, welcome to my everyday life, which happens to be nothing special. I’m 23 years old, living in a small town filled with unmotivated people who settle in this town like dust after a crazy wind storm. People who live their lives everyday content with what they have rather than striving to do more and be more, which should be the ultimate goal as a human being, right? Wrong. Not here. These people are more concerned with how many Instagram followers they have and the easiest way to have everything they want in life without having to work for it. Doesn’t make sense to me, but then again, nothing does anymore. I’d like to think I’m nothing like those people in this town. I’m motivated. I’m driven. I’m passionate about my career and what my life has in store for me. I’ve spent the last 23 years trying to be something more than what I’m surrounded by. I don’t want to settle. I want more in life and I’m determined to get just that.

But, there’s one thing that seems to be controlling how I live my life — love. The greatest and worst thing that any human can experience. I’ve always been the kind of person that believed in soulmates and that love conquers all. That idea was shattered about 4 years ago when my boyfriend, whom I thought was the love of my life, decided to cheat on me. Talk about devastating. Do you know what it’s like to have a picture in your head of how your life is going to look 5 years from now and to see how perfect everything is and how happy you can be and then wake up one morning and have your world literally turned upside down? It’s awful. It’s terrifying. It changes you. I know how cliche that must sound, but honestly, it does. You lose all self confidence, all motivation to do anything, the desire to love and be loved in return. You become numb. You no longer want to feel because suddenly, that becomes easier, safer, than putting yourself out there and running the risk of having your heart torn out of your chest and stomped on, repeatedly. Don’t get me wrong, love is a beautiful thing. But it’s also so toxic that I can understand why people don’t want to experience it. I swore off relationships for a long time. I refused to open up to anyone or allow myself to be put in that situation again. I had no desire to be in love, or get married one day, or start a family. That was no longer for me. I was better off alone, and a part of me still believes that. Long story short, I went through some dark times, but I picked myself back up. Dated a little, nothing too serious, and eventually decided that the lifestyle I was living was not healthy and that sometimes life is worth the risk. So that brings us to today.

365 days since I first started talking to my boyfriend, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but if you know me, you’d know that it is. I dated, and I put myself out there (halfway). But this time was different. Different in a good way. The kind of different that was equally exciting as it was terrifying. Was it time to actually put myself out there and completely open myself up to someone else and risk getting hurt again? I decided it was. I fell so hard and so fast for this boy that I couldn’t catch my breath. Crazy right? Me, falling in love, wanting that social interaction with someone else, seems ridiculous but it’s true. He changed me. He opened up parts of me that I no longer thought existed. I had shut them down years ago after being hurt and had no intentions of opening them back up. But he did it, and he did it so effortlessly that I don’t even know if he realizes the impact he has had on me. I don’t believe that theres a time frame that relationships are supposed to follow. Love works in crazy ways and some people move quicker than others. For me, I’m moving too quickly and that terrifies me. I see a future with him, crazy enough, I want a future with him, which leads to issue #2 — does he feel the same way?

Beats the hell out of me. We’ve had serious conversations and we’ve discussed our feelings and where we’re at in our relationship. But I still don’t have the answers that I feel I need. My boyfriend is graduating college in a month and decided to take a job at home for awhile to get on his feet. Very smart of him and I’m supportive of that decision. What worries me is that starting next year, he wants to relocate. What does that mean for us? Good question. I don’t know. He’s vaguely mentioned moving together and that he is looking for a serious relationship that he can build on and have last. But in the same breath, he contradicts himself. He reassures me that he’s happy and wants a serious relationship and believes I can be that person that he does that with, but then he turns around and tells me his 5 year plan and it’s centered entirely around himself. Which is understandable. Your 20’s are your selfish years and I’m all about enjoying yourself. But what do you do when your 20’s are coming to an end and you have nothing emotionally substantial to show for it? My 5 year plan is still being written. What I do know is that I’d like to be in the process of owning my own house with that person that I love.. be on the road to marriage and starting a family. (Which seems entirely ridiculous because up until this last year, I didn’t want any of that. I wanted to be alone) I want to be successful with my career and travel to new places. He has a similar plan, being that he wants to be successful with his career and travel the world. But where we differ is he has no desire to settle down. He doesn’t see the point in “rushing”. Is that really rushing? I don’t think so. How can I feel confident in our relationship enough to quit my job and move with him next year when it’s time to relocate, knowing that our 5 year plans are different? Am I being crazy? Maybe over cautious? It’s possible, but what else is a girl suppose to do?

I’ll tell you what I do.. this. I write my thoughts down because if I didn’t, my head would be in a state of constant confusion and chaos and no one wants that. Am I confused? Oh God, yes. I have a boyfriend who reassures me that he “loves me so much” and “wants to build a serious relationship with me” but can’t see himself getting married or settling down anytime before he is 30. I have a boyfriend who tells me over and over again how “serious he is about our relationship” and how “different it is than anything he has ever experienced”, but prefers to graduate college and live with his parents rather than his girlfriend. Who openly tells me that he doesn’t care if I’m at his college graduation because he does not like the idea of a group of people being somewhere for him. So instead of him saying he wants me to be there and be supportive, he tells me if it’s important to me, I can go but he doesn’t care either way. What’s his reasoning? Again, beats the hell out of me. I have yet to figure out his logic. All I know is I’m confused. I’m hurt. And now I’m unsure of what my next step in life is. Do I be selfish and focus on myself and not worry about my relationship? Or do I maybe try a little harder and focus on my relationship rather than just myself?

Stay tuned,

Forever 20 Something.