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You know we only ever really "learn" how to bathe in our youth as it is taught to us by our parents and from then on most people kinda just bathe the same way right. And like barring actively deciding to do it the only way most people change their bathing habits is if they bathe with a loved one and get convinced to do somethi g different in the bath bc its cleaner/faster/whatever bc of them. Ok heres the thesis statement. The lack of communal bathing in society is holding us back from discovering The Ultimate Bathing
#i dont wanna put this on main cus i dont liiiiike acknowledging it and i dont really want it tied to my real self. so old vent blog it is#but lmao u guys got taught? this post brought to you by figuring out im doing things wrong by eavesdropping on classmates#this psot brought to u by neglectful parent gang btw....#anyway literally so grateful to the washing legs discourse bc like oh! rad okay thats a thing to do yknow#ive been trying out a new hair washing technique recently after trying to find youtube about how to tell when split ends and a#beauty salon guy? was like u should wash ur hair this way. idk seems to go well so far !!!!!!!!#anyway. just. we really should talk about this more and not in a jokes way :( wouldve made it much easier on kid me#i dont think communal bathing would have though theres. dysphoria.#sometimes im like oh it was basically normal and then im slapped in the face with concepts like parents teaching you life skills instead of#figuring them out by copying other middle schoolers :') i suppose the other middle schoolers did have to know some way#tbh i worry im probably still doing it wrong . like. a
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i hate that being loved is unrealistic. im not hot or cis enough for someone to be like ill ignore the personality and im not neurotypical enough for someone to like me for my personality hhhhhh
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im not built for closeness or connection i dont know how to do any of that. and when i try it goes badly
but holie shitte do i want it so badly
but also i cannot stand the concept
i wish i was a different person so i could have the closeness and connection that comes to everyone else if not easily at least achievably but also ive spent so long sacrificing myself for others acceptance that i cant become the person other people want. i want to Be that person but i dont want to Become that person
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how do you say ‘im sorry i need to disappear i still like you but most of my brain power is dedicated to figuring out whether or not to kill myself in the next two months and whether life after will be more painful than death so i am having trouble keeping up my likeable persona and if i crack in it you will hate me so for both of our sakes i need to isolate’ without worrying people
#its more complicated than i thought it would be#cats normally live the same amount and i thought my special girl would live the longest and i could just end it then#but its now. and chocys living for almost another decade probably#and i dont want to hurt her#shell already be confused and upset from cappy and if one of her humans disappeared too that would be even worse#but i dont know if i can live without my cappy#i love her the most out of everything ever#so yeah trying to socialize is uhhh difficult#i also dont know how to make the death work nicely#i mean probably poison but i cant let any cats in or they might eat my body and get poisoned too#which is another complication i didnt think id have to worry about the other cats getting poisoned from me!!!
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I think I don't know how to Be happy I know how to avoid in such a manner that it seems like happy but I genuinely cannot imagine a future worth living for
I suppose I'm better than before because currently dying is scarier than living at least one day but like
Is life just about being too scared of not being alive to die because if so then I SHOULD just die
Also I Should die in general lol but yeah
Medicine doesn't work because the problem isn't chemicals and therapy doesn't work cus the problem is still here and I can't escape yet cus I still need them to survive (medicine is expensive) but if I don't I might never be happy
I might push everyone away before I can heal and learn to trudt
Can't heal when the knife is still there
Putting everything on main was stupid I shouldn't try to get good at openinf up when opening up upsets other ppl
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:^) I think I might have an Official crush Also I maybe deciphered the Real reason dumb idiot brain thought shipping aimee and florent made sense and that is because aimee is a chaotic mood and florent is like NO DONT EAT THAT which is like me and [redacted] also the gender/appearance stuff is similar but in reverse Cis girl and trans dude... Cis girl has long blonde hair usually in bun trans guy has mildly stupid looking hair and no fashion....fucking F (But also they're like friends that actually spend time together frequently which is different lmao hahaha...) This is EMBARRASSING being subjected to emotions is EMBARRASSING
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do parents know that they dont have to tell their disappointment kid that theyre a disappointment? like i can tell u hate me without saying it Explicitly THAnks
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since there arent any active followers left here lmao: the deadline i made years ago is approaching and there has been 0 improvement. i knew no matter how many years i allowed for, there would be no improvement. i left like 3 or 4 to be generous and theres about 1 left. i should probably start planning again
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someday i wont have to tolerate any of you. and whether that someday is because of death or independence is not yet determined
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being nonbinary being ace
🤝
hoping that your own community will support you and feeling betrayed every time cus ppl dont know how decency works
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ok like id kill and die for fansubbers (aka m1r4culousubs but without t3r3z1speak) but WHY the FUCK did they decide to sub the finale before the entire second half of the season??? cuz now theres a bunch of finale spoilers that people dont consider spoilers/? for some reason?? but im Very Against watching it out of order so im like. dying??? for months???
#this is like. my main gripe#i get that its volunteer so i understand Slowness but i Do Not understand why u would sub the finale before the other episodes???? why
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the concept of (me) having a crush on someone just seems so Bad and Creepy
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brain: hey guess what :) maybe crushes are real and maybe you have one haha sucker :) me: THATS ILLEGAL YOU CAN'T DO THAT
#toilets are basically introspection machines and hoo boy I just realized that Maybe#if my brain keeps sending scenarios#even if they get shut down super fast#maybe those mean crush???#brain: what if you and redacted hugged ;)#me halfway through the instantaneous thought: impossible my very existence is repulsive and gross and it's an insult to redacted if you fin#So like. Maybe. Maybe that is what a crush is for someone that despises themself?#maybe...
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I Iwhs I Didn't Exist
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Adrien has like 5 friends and 3 of them are lesbians... About half of the people I regularly talk to r lesbians... k*nnie Valid...
#I'm sitting at therapy waiting room n bored so ml#adriens (human) friends: Chloe. Mari. Nino. Alya. Kagami (this is headcanons but THEY SHOULD BE).#Also the lesbians in question are alya n Chloe n kagami#also miraculous ladybug PLEASE do an episode like animan with the earpieces but instead of nino and Marinette it's Chloe and her new wlw lo#it's the next logical development in Chloe arc... Adrien poorly wingmaning for his lesbian bffsie...
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Towards the end of the last school year, my friends were joking about how ******** (redacted for privacy) would b the person that disappears and is never seen again.... Bc cryptid jokes... But it turns out I am the real cryptid... Living in the farm district away from Civilization... Interacting w Nobody....
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