oinkgoesthecat - Tumblr blog

[oinkgoesthecat]

Fuck me like a whore but treat me like a princess after ❤️

[oinkgoesthecat]

Yup. I'm back. To journal about, you guessed it. Sheik. Give the lady her prize.

I'm absolutely being flippant to counteract vulnerable I am right now. And things I'm about to write are.

Sheik knows about this journal. He knows I write about him. But I very adamantly refused to show him any of it.

This was so much longer but accidentally deleted a lot of it so there's no permanent record of what I said I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️

[oinkgoesthecat]

I spend too much time journalling about Sheik. To be fair this isn't directly about him. He just led me to my conclusions.

Fuck. I'm so fucking angry. I'm so goddamned angry. And I don't know how fucking cope with anger.

Dustin. Dustin Wagner. Dustin Wagner raped me and left me unable to trust my own judgment. He left me dreading the feeling of sexual desire. He left me terrified of men. He left me so fucking scared of being hurt again. I still remember how I hurt afterward. My fear of pregnancy. I remedy how I tried to make myself enjoy. Tried to willingly participate. Tried to justify it afterward and took the blame. I blamed myself for so long. I wanted to control the narrative so badly. I wanted it to be a terrible first time. To just be a shitty little school scandal. To be the one should have put a stop to it. But I did. I told him no. But he pushed. And I let him. And then it was happening. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. I wanted to maybe make out, maybe some hand things. He was a cute boy and he wanted me. And I wanted to be wanted so badly. 16 yo me didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge I have now. I need to be more forgiving of her. Me now isn't afraid of striking out if need be. I'm stronger now. That doesn't make her weak though. I'm just stronger than I was. Some days I wish it was violent. If he held me down and forced me and bruised me it injured me. If he spiked my drink. If it happened in a dark ally or by a stranger or a date. Oh. He was a date. If any of the stereotypical things that we hear about happened maybe I'd feel so much more justified. But it just happened. Calming. Quietly. There was no begging or threats or screaming. It didn't feel good. It felt invasive. A little painful. And I bled a lot. I wanted to enjoy it. Then I could justify it in some way.

Sometimes I still question it. Was it rape? I know the answer is yes. But sometimes I think about it and wonder why I didn't work harder to stop him. Why did I just let it happen? Why did I just let things proceed? I had a few more chances to stop him after the original no. But I didn't. I didn't know how to. The language around consent was so different back then. Anything less than an absolute no was okay. Maybe that's not true. Maybe I'm trying to absolve him for some reason. Or maybe I'm trying to over-vilify him to absolve myself. Maybe both are true. My feelings around that morning are so fucking complex. It feels like so much grey area. I'm not sure he knows he did something wrong that day. I wish he was a villain. I wish he liked like a villain. I wish he had a slimy charm and a pocket full of pills and questionable friends. I wish he didn't look like a normal guy. Just a friend of a friend who was in ROTC and went on to be a used car salesman.

It's been 12 years. It will be 12 years officially at the end of August. What's crazy is don't remember the exact date anymore. I know it was a weekday. A Tuesday maybe? But I don't know exactly. I can tell you so many details. It was a hot day. Around 11 am. He asked me to come over, he was home alone. I was down to make out, maybe some hand stuff, maybe even mouth stuff. But I didn't want to have sex. It was so warm and sunny. I told my mother I was going for a jog. I remember I wore my jean shorts with the double button. I wore a front-closing bra because it confused him. I wore a tank top. I wore my favorite pair of boy short underwear with the bird on them. I asked for a glass of water to be waiting for me since I walked so far in the heat. And then I got there and I had some water and he saw I was hot and sweaty so he led me to the bathroom. I told him I didn't want to shower with him. Showers lead to sex and I didn't want sex. But he kept undressing me. I just let him keep going. And then we were in the shower. And we were kissing. And kept pushing him away. But then he turned me around and then he was inside me. And then he asked if I was a virgin. And I nodded. He made some comments about it being a mess. And then eventually we got out, and dried off. And then he took me to his bedroom. I don't know why I didn't stop him there. I don't think I knew how to. I don't think the idea of stopping him at this point crossed my mind. He had already shown he was going to do what he wanted. How was I stop him? I tried to moan and touch myself in ways to make myself enjoy it. I couldn't. It just felt like I was lying there being invaded. And then it was over. And we cleaned up his bed. He put an extra sheet on the bed before I got there in case I bled. And I did bleed. A lot. It hurt so much afterward. For days. I've never hurt like that. But he planned for that. He expected something more from me than I was willing to give. And he knew this because the day before I made that clear. And then we got dressed. And I curled up into myself and he played video games. And I texted Kaylee. Because I desperately needed to talk to someone. Even though I hadn't talked to her in so long. I don't know if she knows how much difference she made that day. He asked me if I was okay so I put on a bright smile and said I was fine, just sore. And tired. And then I asked him what this made us. What he wanted it to make us. And he didn't give me real answers. Which I now know is because of Maria.

I made it clear I wasn't ready to have sex the day before. But he still planned for it. He still had an expectation. Maybe, maybe he isn't as naive as I've Always thought. Maybe he saw me as someone he could push into what he wanted. Maybe I was manipulated. I honestly don't know. I don't know.

But I do know he left me scarred. He left me broken. Broken in ways I'm only now realizing. I decided that day that the feeling of desire was bad. And when I felt it would fill me with dread. And fear. And I'd panic and run away. I didn't know how else to deal with it. I stopped trusting my own judgment. Because the last time I trusted myself I got hurt. I got hurt so badly. I thought I could go have some innocent teenage fun and I was wrong. I got assaulted.

Which brings me to Sheik. I was so fucking scared of him. No matter how much I project a lack of fear of him. But I don't fear him. I have no fear of him as a person. But he's still a man. A man I wanted so fucking badly. I still want him so much. And now I can't have him. It took so long for me to get past my fear. And I missed out on something that would have probably been electric. I don't think I've ever been so sexually compatible with someone in my life. But now he has his wife. Which I still have a handful of doubts about. But none of that matters at this second. This moment is that I was so fucking scared of being hurt. And I put up a false vulnerability. Which I don't know how much of that he saw through. I still don't know how many defense mechanisms he sees through. But part of me wants desperately for him to see me. I want him to see through the vapid whore and see me. The broken terrified little girl that's always crying. The one who was so so smart, and still is. I learn new things so fucking quickly. But again, a tangent. I always get on him about the control issues. But I have them too. I've tried so hard to control our narrative so badly. Because that's what I always do. I control the narrative so I don't get hurt. And yet here I am. The narrative got away from me because I didn't consider the fact I'm not the only one involved.

I'm very angry. And sad. And disappointed. I don't feel well. And maybe I've stayed with Tavion because he was so safe. I always search for safety. I always try to feel safe. And now I know why. I don't like this knowledge. It hurts so badly to know this.

[oinkgoesthecat]

Ahhhhhhhbhhhhhhhhhh

My brain won't shut the fuck up. Retrospect is a fucking bitch. I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him at all. I laughed it off because I didn't believe him. But he was serious. He was fucking serious. I know he's said he was, but I never really connected all the dots until this fucking moment. I'm so fucking dense holy shit.

No but he did say he wanted me. And he kissed me. And maybe he was waiting for me to return some type of interest. Fuck. Fuck. I don't know what it would changed about my path but he also insisted on hold my hand when was drunk that night. And Dustin definitely felt like third wheel. And to be fair was looking at him like he held the sun. Fuck. So many things. And God I wish he would kiss me again. And I am definitely jealous if Sierra. And I hope he treats her well and she she knows fucking lucky she is to have him cuz he's really great. I know 8000 reasons why he and I could never work but fuck. This feels too much like Nick. Maybe that's one the reasons I hesitated.

Alll the little dots. He came to check on me when I burned myself. The robbery night. Just a lot of tiny little things. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The things he called me.

The way it abruptly stopped and he was a bit more of an asshole when he started seeing Sierra for real. Maybe he didn't want me. Maybe I was convient. He wouldn't even call me pretty. Maybe I was a good place holder. Maybe I have more questions than answers. Maybe I'm over reading into things again.

I'm just really dense. I don't know anymore. I questioning a lot now. No matter what he is my friend. And I don't want change that. So I'll probably never bring this up.

Fuck

[oinkgoesthecat]

I probably journal too much about Sheik. Probably. But here I am again. And it's not gonna be the last time I'm sure.

So last night he and I had an actual talk. I called him out on some bullshit. He was being such an asshole. And it made me snap a little. I told him if he didn't want to be my friend then all he had to do was say so and I'll leave him alone. And then I walked away. He didn't follow me at first. It was hard to not look back but I needed to use my spine. He eventually did come back. I was in the bathroom so I used those few moments to gather myself to continue to be strong. I didn't immediately back down or apologize. Which might have surprised him a little. I grabbed the broom and went outside and told him he could follow if he wanted. And then I laid into him. Cuz fuck the way he has been treating me. I told him exactly how I was feeling. I kinda exploded at him. And I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for taking up space and being too loud. I'm not sorry for wanting more from him. I give him a lot in our friendship. I see he needs the control and cryic half-ass answers and I let him have that. Because it isn't a huge imposition to me. But I'm actively asking him for what I need from him. I just needed to know he was actually my friend, and wanted to be friend. I wanted to hear that he valued my place in his life. Not the half-assed I amuse him or he tolerates me. I want to know that he likes me. And he tried to get out of it through loopholes and sign language and deflection and avoidance. And almost left a few times. He asked me at some point if I had one less friend now. I told him no. I'm upset with him but I still consider him my friend. Unless he decided he doesn't want it anymore. He asked why he had to be one to be the knee. Because I often tell him how much I value his friendship. How much he means to me. How much I want him in my life. Which he couldn't argue with. He was very shocked by my spine. I've told him several times I'm more than I seem but I don't think he believed me until now. I choose to let him have control. I choose to not use my spine against him. I'm so much stronger than I fucking seem. I've been through a lot. I just also trust him. It's an active choice I make.

But eventually, after several attempts to leave where he realized I was serious, and having to recircle back to the conversation he realized I was right. He eventually did the finger snap and waited for me, which I didn't give in to at first. And he kissed my forehead and told me that he likes being my friend. Honestly, I don't remember exactly what he said. I blacked out a little after the forehead kiss. They're a weakness. But I got what I needed from him, and I think he sees me a little differently now.

Also, I might have had a realization? Maybe I delulu. Maybe. Just maybe. But also maybe my feelings were returned at a point. The affectionate things he was calling me. Mostly playful. But maybe a little more serious than I thought. I'm so fucking dense. Because now in retrospect, the things he was calling me that one night in combination with the night I got robbed. Maybe he did want me. Maybe. I don't think I'll ever actually know. Which hurts a little but I'm going to let this go for now. I need to. My life is too complicated right now to use him to complicate it more. I'm not so convinced he's as all in on this girl as he thinks he is. Or if it's going to work out. And maybe that's a little jealousy. But I'm ignoring how I feel about it tbh. I have to. I feel a little burdened by this all honestly. But it'll all work out I hope.

[oinkgoesthecat]

My mind is in a lot of places right now.

The breakup is a lot of it. But right now Sheik has my mind swirling.

I want to know why. I'm frustrated with myself because I keep thinking about when he kissed me. And that made me think about the other times in my life I've had people interested in me and panicked and avoided it. It happens often honestly.

But I have questions for him. I don't expect to get answers, and I don't know if ill like it if do. First of all, why does he want me to fear him so much? I'm not scared of him. I trust him. Maybe more than I should. But he spends a lot of time convincing me to be scared of him. Almost like he's trying to scare me off. If it's control thing, he already has that. If he needs control of the situation that badly I already give him that. Honestly I give him almost anything he wants from me to a fault. But he says the most cryptic off the wall things like he could hurt me at any second. And maybe he could. But I don't think he would. I saw how worried was the first time I got robbed. I know how relieved he was that was safe. He cares about me, maybe only as a friend. But he cares. And part has to believe that he doesn't mean me harm. I have dealt with actual monsters. I have been raped. I have dealt with years of abuse. I have had relationships rapidly going down a bad path. I have had a stalker. General sexual harassment. Questionable relationships. People that at some level did mean me harm, even if unintentionally. He is not a monster.

I have questions about his relationship. Is he using me a form of self sabotage? Because I know I was at some point. Honestly I had to be very careful and think through my feelings very carefully to not use him. I keep typing you instead of him. Like in talking to him. Not sure what that says. He also mentioned still being on apps while in NY. I don't think he's as all in as he claims to be. But I need to know that I'm not being used. If we need firmer boundaries than we will go to being just friends. I also need to know that he's doing these things because he wants to. I need enjoyment out of it from him.

I'm not dumb. I'm incredibly aware if myself and others sometimes.

[oinkgoesthecat]

Well I did it. Fuck did I do it. Im single. I'm not sure how to process it all honestly. This feels deeper than a breakup. It feels like a divorce. We were married in every way but legally. I loved him so much. I still love him. And that makes it so much worse. It's so fucking hard even though I'm not budging on my end. But I.... This is terrifying. Sometimes I want to wake up and find this is an awful night mare and everything is fine again. I want to go back to that feeling i had at that first Halloween party where everytime I saw him I had to tell him how fucking in love I was with him. I want that back so badly. I want to go back in time and have everything between us be okay again. I want to go back in time and be stronger and less easy to bend to everyone around me. I want to be the girl I was in the beginning. I want to tell her not to lose herself because if you do you lose him too and he was one of the most amazing things in you're life. I want to tell her to never stop talking to him. That he will live her no matter what. That she just needs to speak up and stop lashing out.

Maybe now that it's over I'm only seeing the good. A week ago I could only see all the things that made it awful. But the reality is it both. We had so many good moments. So many great memories. When we danced together our first Christmas. Making breakfast in the mornings. Christine's wedding. Jonas Brothers. Big Time Rush. The nerf gun Christmas. Some times I wonder why I'm doing this. And then something reminds me. And it hurts. All of it hurts so fucking much. But I want to feel better. And this is the first step. No matter how hard it is.

[oinkgoesthecat]

Sheik is not longer my biggest problem ✌🏼

Lol. But also like not lol.

It's come to an end. My relationship. Not Sheik. Sorta. Not yet. But it's time. It's ahead of my original timeline. I'm not ready. But I never will be. I have to do this.

And I need to do this now. I can't keep dragging it out. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of his reaction. I'm scared of hurting him. I'm scared of never finding anyone who can put with me. But I also want some one who wants me, not puts up with me. I deserve better. So does he. I know I'm not entirely blameless. I love him so much. But, I've done some things I shouldn't have. I haven't always treated him great.

There's so many things that are part of why. I've become what I never wanted to be: his mother. I think I was hoping for too much. I already knew who he was before. I dont know why I'm shocked and hurt. He didn't really do chores without prompting. But I was hoping when he was truly in his own he would step up. He didn't. I just took over. And it's exhausting. I'm tired.

[oinkgoesthecat]

I'm having a lot of feelings. I have to go without Sheik for a week because he's going on a trip. So I'll see how that goes. I'll miss him. And that means being alone at night. I rely on him to a point. Which maybe isn't fair to him. But I do like to have him here.

I ask him for a hug after he spanked me today. I needed aftercare. I know I'm prone to subdrop. I don't think he's connected the fact I don't ask for physical affection. I don't deny it typically, but aside from when we sit outside and I lean against him, i don't typically touch him. I don't touch people unless I know it's okay. I tried to be playful and joke about it, but I needed a hug. I wanted him to want to hug me. I think my feelings are hurt. I didn't expect that. I was trying to communicate my needs and I got denied. From anyone else I would call the red flag. I should call it one. But I'm lying to myself a little about this whole dynamic. It's a bad idea. And I know that. I dont want to blow up his relationship. But we are bad at boundaries. And I take responsibility for some of it. I don't exactly stop him. But also I have remember he is an adult and could stop himself.

I might be dropping a bit. But I actually am kinda upset about that hug. If really didn't want to I wouldn't have pushed. I probably shouldn't have pushed because now my mind thinks he hates me. But he's still teasing me so it's fine right?

Idk. Well see in a week I guess

[oinkgoesthecat]

Oh I made bad choices. I'll see how they play out. But God it felt good. I felt good to be reckless. It felt good to be submissive. Having my ass beat was pretty nice.

Oh I don't feel as good anymore. Cuz of I've thing. I need him to admit he wanted me. I need him to admit that it wasn't entirely out of obligation. I want him to admit he's attracted to me at least. I enjoyed what we did but I want to feel like he wanted it too. He was hard, I know that. But I've spent six years with hard on that went no where.

I'm selfish. I know I am. Sierra sounds great. Too great tbh. Especially since he's so willing to do these things with me. And since she seemingly jerked him around at first. But he swears he found his wife. And had planned their whole life. Which is so sweet. And I do hope it works out for him. Maybe I'm just cynical now. Maybe I just lost my romanticism somewhere under practicality. That makes my heart ache actually.

I miss who I used to be. I'm trying to reclaim myself. But will I actually? Ive grown so much. I want to be me again. Not T'avions Girlfriend. Somewhere that's all I am. And I hate that. Im terrified of being trapoed in a relationship where I'm stuck as exactly who I don't want to be. I became his mother some how. Which is awful.

Am I just trying to justify the cheating? I know it's wrong. Having an affair won't since my problems. But I am living my life morally gray and for myself right now. And sheik's hands felt so fucking good. I was scared. But I made the choice I wanted. I actively chose it. He made sure of that. And now my ass is purple. And now he knows that sadism turns him on, lol. My head feels clear in a way if hasnt in a while. The endorphins are great. My head was so empty and quiet. Apparently people have called him addicting and "A drug" in the past. I get it. Yeah he really good at what he does. But really I'm mostly addicted to how honest I am with him. He's like truth serum. I'm not that honest with anyone in my life. It's freeing. Doing what I want because I want to is so freeing. The way he has no expectation of who I should be is so fucking freeing.

I need to break things off. I need to take the big step towards my life being mine. But I'm so scared. But I want to be out by August. It's what I need to do.

[oinkgoesthecat]

Yeah so boundaries are not our strong suit.

After being rejected because I considered actually taking up his offer, and reaffirming better boundaries. He still proceeded to bruise my ass and feel my tits and generally dominate me. Was it responsible of me to do at work? Oh, totes not. Was it a good idea since he's very in love with Sierra? Also no. But I'm not a good person. Neither is he, and he's straight up told me that. Oh god have our positions flipped? That's weird. But the moment we were together in person again, boundaries vanished again. And not by my doing? He's the one that crossed that line. I didn't stop him, and I probably should have. But I didn't want to. I love feeling desired by him. I'm still not easily convinced that he's serious. I still laugh off anything more than we've done. But if he and Sierra break up, and I'm single again, I'll probably go for it. I'm definitely the villain and I don't care for once. I should feel guilty, but I don't. Okay maybe a little but I don't feel as much as I should. I'm still not allowing myself to overanalyze my feelings for him. But that's fine. He's my friend. My friend who I'm incredibly attracted to. And accidentally I think Is hot. I'm glad he isn't currently lording that over me because I'm sometimes too honest with him. And my mouth spoke before I thought through what I was saying. And then I was so embarrassed. But he was delighted and smug.

I probably spend too much time journalling about him.

I'm tragically sick. It's awful. I feel like shit. I'm also definitely deep in my eating disorder and no one has noticed somehow. I spent today binging. I hate it. I hate how I feel. I just want to be pretty and thin again. I'm tired of getting fat. And if I have to go on the Beyonce diet to do it I fucking will. I want to be hot again. I'm going to lose this damn weight. I need to regain my self-control. I was doing so well and lost 10 pounds! And this cold should give me another 5 off at least. But instead, I keep binging and craving. No, I can do it. I'm stronger than this hunger. Hunger is nothing. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I want my body back. Once I leave this house I'm going full diet. No more meat, less sugar, less bread. Booze is fine, but only occasionally. Healthier. I will eat healthier and less. And exercise. More exercise! I will be hot and thin again!

I know at someone someone will probably notice I've relapsed but I don't care. I don't have the energy to fight right now. I want to be thin again, so if this gets me there I'm not mad.

Time to rest before work.

[oinkgoesthecat]

This is the only place for me to admit this I guess. I'm heartbroken . This always ends this way. How did this happen again? People don't actually want me. People want an idea of me. They want to play with me and put me back in the shelf.

And maybe it is my fault. Maybe I let my hesitations stop me. But I don't think I ever actually took him seriously. Sure people say they want to fuck me. I'm used to that. But follow through is rare.

And now he has Sierra. And she seems really great and he's so all in on her. And maybe I'm jealous of how all in he is. Because I'm unhappy. I'm so fucking fucking happy.

Fuck

Fuck

FUCK

[oinkgoesthecat]

I feel like an imposter in my own life. I know the role, I know the lines, the choreography, the blocking. I know every note. But I'm just playing the role. Some days are better than others. And maybe I am pretending. Maybe I'm just hoping that if I keep pretending that everything is back to normal I'd feel okay again. I don't. I don't want to be back to normal. I want to feel better. But everything feels the same.

I keep pretending I haven't made my decision. But I know I have. I know I'm still going to leave him. And it breaks my heart. He seems to think everything is okay again. We've had a good few days. But I'm not sure if they were actually good. I feel like I've just been giving the best performance of my life since he snapped at me about seeming to barely tolerate his touches. Of course, I didn't fucking want him to touch me, my uterus was trying to murder me. It was excruciating. I was in so much pain but had to keep fucking going because I couldn't stop my life because of period pain. Sex was already far from my mind from the stress, but the murder made it worse. So no, I don't want you grabbing my boobs or squeezing my tummy. I'm tired of being a tummy. My whole sex life revolves around it and kinda hate it at this point. He says I don't have to be fat for him if I don't want to. I never actually wanted to be fat. And yes, I've enjoyed a few things about it. But it's not my kink. I enjoy it but I enjoy the fact it turns him on more. I'm tired of acting a certain way to turn him on. And for what end? He doesn't even fuck me. What is wrong with me that I can't get him to want to fuck me? I understand it's asexual and all that but I feel like screaming. I hate it sometimes. 6 years. 6 years with almost no sexual activity. Fuck. I try so fucking hard. I don't even think I want to have sex with him anymore. I don't think I actually want to interact with him romantically anymore.

I love the days when I feel like I'm hanging out with my best friend. And I know he's making more effort to be more affectionate. But I'm not feeling it. I straight-up lied when I said my distance was unintentional. I don't feel better at all. I just feel I'm like lying better.

[oinkgoesthecat]

So I wasn't in love, just infatuated and looking for a way out. I also got tired of the back and forth. The Katy Perry song got old. But I do love being his friend. And will probably end up fucking him at some point. But like, platonically. I'm trying to not look at him like he hung the moon. I probably was obsessed with the idea of him. And I'm still kinda obsessed with the idea of him actually opening up to me, but know that's unlikely. I'm just happy to be here at this point and have his support. I cried with him the other morning. I felt better. The loneliness hit me really hard. And he made it very much a point to make sure I knew he was my friend and here. I may come out of this with less people in my network, but the people I'll still have are high quality. I'm choosing the steak, to use his metaphor.

I'm still heartbroken. I'm still sad. I'm going to be sad and heart broken for a while. I do love tavion still. But not like I used to. This experience changed my feelings, and not for the better. I'm no longer angry. I'm just sad and hurt. More hurt than I thought I was. And I'm still constantly questioning my choices. Is this what I want? Could I fall back in love with him and heal? Maybe, maybe not. But I don't think that will happen without time apart. I desperately want the time to live life on my own terms for once. I want to live life as myself, evem if I'm not entirely sure who that is anymore. I'm hurt that he treated me so horribly for so long. Ive forgiven him. But I can't seem to forgive myself for letting him treat me that way. I had to wait to until it broke me to actually say something. And that's crazy unhealthy. I did wonder if I could be okay again. But I don't even want him touching me like I used. I don't relax into his touch and crave it. He still feels like my best friend. But I no longer want to interact with him as my boyfriend. And I kinda hate it. There's no way he doesn't feel like I'm distant. Because I am. Partially intentionally. Because I feel like I need to be. 2 months. Maybe less.

[oinkgoesthecat]

I've decided to type out a rant as if I'm talking to Sheik. Enjoy this dramatic reading where I imagine he's just watching me pace bewildered and mildly amused and maybe a little concerned.

I'm so good damned frustrated! I don't even know how to put it into words honestly. I've spent so long thinking about this moment but the moment I have it my first instinct is to push it away and smile and giggle pretend everything is fine because that's always I always do! I'm not allowed to not be fine! I never have been! If I'm not fine then it's somehow my fault. I'm not allowed to be upset because 15 years of my narcissistic stepmother taught me that it's my fault for being upset about things. And if I point out that I am upset she was allowed to point out all the ways I'm a failure and maybe I need a medication increase! Medication I didn't even need because I was so horribly misdiagnosed! I wasn't a bad kid I was just an autistic teenager! But I want to learn to be upset! I want to express that I'm unhappy with how someone is treating me! But I can't! And you! When I tried expressing I was upset you visibly shut down and left! I just wanted to explain why I was upset! I just wanted to hear you say you understand and that my upsetness was valid! If you had given me a few more minutes I would have been okay. I was panicked a little by how much information you revealed because I tend to be intensely private. Just because I'm insanely honest with you doesn't mean I'm honest with anyone else! I have 2 people in my life that know some semblance of what going on with me and it's kind of killing me, which is wild because I'm so used to be secrets wrapped in more secrets. But this one, this plan to leave, is killing me. I know I can't say anything until I have few more things in place but I'm dying a little inside pretending everything is fine. You expected honestly from me and now thats all I want! Which isn't fair because Im not convinced I get it from you. I don't know what I have to do to convince you that I fucking care about you, and actually want to know what you're thinking! I barely know how to interact with you half the time! You don't follow any of scripts and you're so hard to read! Every text I send feels risky because I'm not sure how you will react! You don't follow any of my flow charts of conversation and it's frustrating. Because I don'thave social skills, I don't know how to interact with people. But none of my little tricks to pretend I do work with you. I don't know who you want me to be. You're so hot and cold. One moment you're telling me how have to protect me and kissing me and I have to admit really liked when you kissed me and keep thinking about way too fucking often. And the next your leaving with a cryptic message about taking solace in the fact its not my fault. I have no idea what any of it means anymore. No matter whatever the fuck is happening at this point I know you are my friend. I want you to be my friend. I'm doing the hardest thing I have ever done and Im about to loose so much. I desperately need my friends. Please don't decide you don't want to be my friend because I'm too much. This rant was a lot but somehow it's not all my thoughts, just a lot of them

[oinkgoesthecat]

I'm overreading into this. I know it. But like, also kinda don't care.

So I went to pick up food for me and Shay from Del Vecchios. I had texted Lu earlier to ask her to put in an order for us. I went to pick it up real quick. And the folks over there are super friendly. So they heard about the robbery. And Lu says, Yeah, Sheik was super worried. Which means, a, he takes about me. Omg I feel like a fucking high schooler. But also, if he is visibly worried that's something. That means something right?

And the little things he says. Like he can't keep things casual with people because he ends up caring too much. And the way he was almost reverent and loving when he was drunk. I'm probably exaggerating in my brain because I'm starved for attention. But not knowing exactly how he feels or thinks drives me crazy. He leaves cryptic ass bread crumbs. most of my cards are on the table at this point. His aren't. The only card I have for sure is that he wants to fuck me. And he feels like he needs to protect me. Everything else has been a fucking breadcrumb that I had to piece together. Between tiny things he said and things others said I eventually figured things out. But I wish he would be more upfront sometimes.

I'm going to stop fixating. What is, is. Whatever does or does not happen between us he is my friend. I want him to be my friend. And that's what I need to remember.

[oinkgoesthecat]

I'm a horrible person.

I feel like a battered housewife. I wanted to leave him last week, I still do. But part of me is like, what if I didn't? What if pretend the last few months didn't happen and everything was okay? Cuz everything feels fine right now.

I talked to Alex for a bit. She served as a bullshit filter. She validated my choices.