ojela

[ojela]

one of the hardest things about turning your back from someone who no longer supports your growth and well-being, is knowing how much space they would leave unoccupied. you will be helpless and you will be susceptible to hating yourself for it. but there is a defining moment in this process. it's when you rise above the enormous weight of regrets you carry on your shoulders. love must still be out there somewhere

[ojela]

this is when you just let yourself become a spectator of your own life. knowing you have tried hard enough. accepting that you are not in control of everything that happens in it. it's not giving up, it's allowing things to fall into their rightful place.

[ojela]

staying gone is my sincere apology to you

[ojela]

i miss being reckless with my life, being out there, getting soaked in the rain, to fearlessly dream like a child, to unapologetically hold onto things that make my heart flutter, like it is okay to feel, it is okay to just let people in, like the whole world is a safe place to love

[ojela]

we lose a part of ourselves to every person we choose to love & when they’re gone there’s nothing we can do about it. we don’t get over it. we don’t look for replacements, there won’t be any. we don’t forget. but we’ll survive it. it is human nature to go on living with that void

[ojela]

[ojela]

images that make me go straight up insane moodboard

[ojela]

(click either side to navigate thru the album) 

ft. Janeca

[ojela]

committing to an ldr is also being in relationship with insecurities and skepticism. it’s no longer just loving someone because they make you feel safe. it’s loving someone even if they don’t. even if everything sometimes would feel too superficial. it’s loving someone, despite.

[ojela]

When I say I love you I also mean, you are that one person I would like to be coming home to after a tiresome life spent hating my self and the world, and running away.

[ojela]

“Mother I never had.”

The first memory I had of my mother was seeing her in a photograph.

At 3, I knew she was dead, and I couldn't remember anything before that.

At 7, I knew I had a baby brother who died inside her.

At 8, she would've helped me with my homework and known how much I hated school, or math.

At 10, I wanted to tell her the first time I have ever seen a rainbow and a butterfly and would’ve asked her of so many colors why is my hair unlikely so dull?

At 11, I started a tradition of talking to her on a tombstone. I light up candles and waited every time until they burn out. I still don't know what the candles were for, but they felt necessary, and comparably, so was my life.

At 14,  I became failed expectations. Feeling unwanted, unworthy, unfree. I was never happy about my mother as a dead person, but at least she no longer had to suffer any of that.

At 16, I was a mess and the world was cruel. At 18, I ran away, to heal and find myself.

At 19, I have rediscovered the ways of loving her from a distance and that means loving myself more.

Now as I look back at this picture, I see hope in the way she's holding me as if I'm worthy of something great. That once in my life I was cared for and loved, and she was there.

[ojela]

Concept: Feeling good about yourself

I’ve always been so skinny, and I don’t mean that as a good thing. I have desperately wanted to gain weight, did everything I possibly could, but nothing ever works. I was convinced that I don’t look good enough in pictures and that I “need” to look good enough. I felt like I was just too thin even for “thin privileges”. It was hard to possess a body that reminded me every day of how insufficient I was. 

It never pays off, you know; trying to be better for other people to like you. I realized this when I started seeing how I’ve been excruciatingly mistreating myself, by ungratefully living up to that patriarchal standard of beauty. I wanted so badly to unfasten the insecurities that have been tightly wrapped around my entire existence. So I decided to put myself in situations like; joining pageants and showing up on social occasions even though I know how I hated being around with too many people. I obliged myself to listen to those voices in my head telling me that I have to be that kind of person, or else I’ll be worthless.

I’m jealous of how some people are just amazingly comfortable with their own skin, without even trying as hard as I had to. It was too late for me to realize I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. It wasn’t my scene, it wasn’t what I wanted and I simply did not belong. My expectations of living the big dream were shattered. It was the ultimate rejection of fate and I knew from that point on I had to take my journey elsewhere. I’m glad I did. 

Today when I look at myself in the mirror, I can finally see beyond the rough edges. I am still that skinny girl with an overwhelming appetite, but now I get to thank God for it. I’m writing this to tell you that you don't need to change the world to get pass through the insecurities that are holding you back from self-acceptance. You only have to change your perception of the world. 

[ojela]

Open letter to my younger self,

I wish you never had to face it alone; the grief,  dismay, and guilt of growing up becoming like the people you hate. I could’ve kept your heart away from those who didn’t deserve you, and saved it from breaking so many times. I could’ve told you it is okay to run away from things that made your dreams feel insignificant and small. I could’ve inked every part of your skin with rainbows, instead of scars. Well, I still have them. I can feel them in my chest, in my wrist, and in every inch of my body. I know how cruel the world was, I wish I was kinder to you.

Yet, thank you for getting past that and for fighting to get this chance to do things differently. Thank you for making me understand that we are not just here to survive, we are going to laugh it out. We will travel as far as we can, and keep writing songs about the people and places we love. We will cling into this life so tight and live each day as if it is the last.

No, we are not just here to survive; we’re going to win it. This time, I will be proud of you. I think I know now, when life hit you hard the only reason why you didn’t find an easy way out is because there was no easy way out. From here, I can only look back and thank God he brought me this far. You are always a part of who I am. Thank you for teaching me that I’m capable of being my own hero.

[ojela]

Lola,

I remember when I broke that glass of milk in the kitchen sink, you saw me. You even hurt your finger for cleaning up my mess and tried to hide it from me because you knew I was scared of blood.  When you woke up in the middle of those nights to cease me from crying, I knew you were scared too, of the dark, of emptiness, of time passing by. You stood up for me, anyway. For a time there, you really made me believe I’m special and easy to love, even if the world says otherwise.

Your mind is filled with a never ending summer memory. Your passion for reading. Your curiosity for new places and stories I have lived by. The man you used to love, before my Lolo. I knew that you still love him even after you married your husband and that you still think of him sometimes. But you taught me that some things, moments and people in our lives couldn't last and it doesn't always have to be painful. And it doesn't mean we stop loving them when they're gone. You secretly kept his letters and his photo, under your closet.La, I'm growing up. And I think I have just found the same kind of man, whose picture I'd still be keeping in my closet when I grow old. 

You taught me how to count by watching the stars. Your lullabies were my first do-re-mi. And when I started going out on weekends, on parties and when you noticed I'm changing, you told me not to make too many friends and I didn't know that was a warning. I wasn't cautious. I am sorry, if I let you down, so many times before. I didn't know how to listen to you. Sorry for not saying thank you even if I know I should have. La, I am starting to realize everything I have been missing out all these years. And if I were to turn back time, you are the first person I'll come running to.

I still cry sometimes and I still tremble in the corner of my bed. But when you're old and weary and you would need somebody to wake up for you in the middle of the night, I'll choose to be there. And even if I'm still scared of darkness, I'll be there for you, anyway.

[ojela]

Mum, maybe it’s true that I have your temper. They say I have the tendency to use words carelessly. Maybe I'm reckless like that. Maybe it's true that I am becoming like you. I don’t really know who you are. Artwork || Jae Salamanca "UNA"

[ojela]

Two months into our relationship you once asked me how much I loved you and I just said “From here”. You didn’t get it and you got mad and thought I was playing around.

When we broke up almost 3 years after, I said "To here."

You still didn't get it.

[ojela]

I needed to compromise comfort over freedom. I needed to be unconventional. I needed to be wrong to get to my own truth. I needed to spend that much time to fail at things to know what I really want. This is far from the life I’ve imagined, but something tells me I’m supposed to be here. This is fate. I’m learning that the pursuit of anything great comes with pain. Happiness is a risk and it comes with sacrifice. I know this. I know I have lost so many of the people that I (used to) love, most especially you.

I still cry for you, sometimes.