okaygenz - Tumblr blog

[okaygenz]

I am grateful for:

My cat

My docs

My new socks

That my hair grows fast and is healthy

That I have a job with a steady income

My nails being done at the moment

Having opportunities to see and to reconnect with current and old friends 

[okaygenz]

big thoughts

The lack of emotional engagement and neglect in my childhood has led me to become an emotional over-sharer that is dependent on the validation of others.

Oversharing helps me to fill the space that once lacked emotional connection, but now in my adult life is inappropriate, crosses boundaries and pushes people away.

This alienation of myself and others is both isolating and self-diminishing and I am working towards engaging more positive and socially acceptable ways of socialising without crossing boundaries.

I'm not sure why this has never occurred to me, but oversharing in this way has only become a problem in my life over the last couple of years. I just didn't realise to what extent, but lately after leaving every social interaction feeling embarrassed, alone, guilty or shameful as well as seen as strange and weird by others has caused me to step back and think more discerningly about what I might be contributing to my own discomfort, and that of others.

[okaygenz]

following on from the last post, I'm trying to figure out a couple of things:

What is the source of my incredibly low self esteem?

How can I be more myself without feeling overly vulnerable?

How can I release stress and anxiety?

What actions will help me to build up my self dependance, and emotional strength?

I've also struggled with over-sharing, and I think this could be an OCD manifestation. I am going to try to correct myself while doing this, because it is really hurting me and my relationships.

[okaygenz]

I was right. I was and am becoming more uncomfortable in myself. A few things to think about: I was struggling with my mental health as well as my hormonal health when I got into a relationship. I was overweight. During my relationship I started to eat better, I was diagnosed with ADHD and I started taking meds after going off anti-depressants to help with my hormone disorder and OCD. I started taking hormone replacement therapy to balance my hormones.

I had quite low energy, low self esteem at times but I was becoming more positive in my relationship. Fast forward, my relationship began to break down and I was getting more and more depressive. It was now post-covid and many of my friends and myself included struggled with mental health issues due to the isolation of lockdowns. Honestly, I still haven't recovered from that and I think many others are in the same boat as me, struggling to reconnect.

My relationship ended after many broken promises, me feeling completely disregarded and alone and staying for too long because I thought the situation might improve. I found out my partner was a porn addict which affected my confidence and subsequently, my mental health even further. I was very down. I had a mental health emergency where I went into psychosis due to the stress I was under when my partner moved out. I was able to grieve my relationship finally after 2-3 months of trying to squash my feelings down. I attended emergency therapy with a counsellor and then went back to see my regular psych every week. I wasn't able to completely heal and talk about my situation, I hid some of my emotions and true feelings due to internalised shame.

Around this time I started a new job. I didn't take any time off work during this period. I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. Months went past and it became apparent my boss was manipulating me at work, and engaging in emotionally damage tactics purposefully. Maybe to make herself feel better, or to get rid of me, I'm not entirely sure. Possibly both. My attempts to repair this relationship weren't successful. I did speak to a work counselling service, and I took sick days to take care of my mental health.

After 6 month I was made redundant. Even though it was stressful, and I felt let down by my workplace and severely mistreated, I was also relieved that I was no longer in this situation and I could finally look after myself. I was lost when it came to looking for another career, and honestly I didn't know what to do, but I started tattooing and did my first gig at a studio. this did a lot for my confidence, it was also a job I really enjoyed and I had persevered and taken on the challenge.

But now, I am back in an office job and my confidence has plummeted and my anxiety is just so loud.

[okaygenz]

I have realised that in recent months, maybe the last year, that I feel more uncomfortable in my vulnerability.

It was a little shock to me, that something I felt defined me and that I took pride in has become something I felt the need to hide. Is it hiding of shame, or protection? I’d like to think protection, but I feel shame is fitting for this.

What has caused me to shun a part of myself that I so truly adored? Out of touch with the world, Covid has swallowed our normal. Where our friends would smile, teeth showing, nod in approval, laugh, hug, hold, sing - we have an eerie silence. No one is here now to validate my existence.

Alone with my thoughts and presence, thinking about what my traits have to add to the world.

[okaygenz]

The world is strange and large.

So big. So full of different things.

Why is it that at times the small things are the only things that matter?

Too much of anything takes its toll.

It is time to broaden the scope, take a look beyond the perameters of my lens.

What do I want in my life as a whole?

What are things that make me feel happy, excited, energised?

What are the larger things in life that I want to experience? What are things about my current existence I can change to meet them?

I want to be healthy.

I want to feel free.

I want to be unafraid of my self expression.

I want to meet new and interesting people.

I want to feel unashamed and candid in my discussions, unaware of any anxiety and boundaries that exist simply in my head and do not serve.

I want to live life and thrive.

[okaygenz]

This full moon in Capricorn I commit to being fully and truly myself.

I look to let go of self doubt, hatred and blocks.

I walk forward into the light of self discovery, belonging and fearlessness.

I am beautiful. I am strong. I can achieve my goals. I have all I need in me. When I take the first step towards my vision, I am greeted with welcomed change, fresh inspiration, hindsight and excitement.

[okaygenz]

I don’t feel good.

I feel empty. Scared. Alone. But not alone. Full but completely shallow. A shell of cotton wool.

I want to sleep forever. I feel like throwing up. So intensely... something. Depressed? Anxious? I just don’t know.

I just want the world to stop in motion. To hold its self suspended in nothingness for as long as I need it to.

[okaygenz]

I feel quite empty at the moment.

Just trying to grasp onto something that makes me feel happy. Losing things that centre me. Trying to cling to unfulfilling things. People. Ideologies.

Where Am I. I need to get out of here. I feel alone and uncared for. Just a shell.

I lack independence. What kind of human existence is it in a world where you live other people’s lives.

Empty.

Lacklustre.

And I don’t know how I find myself here. I think I need to ground. Need to use some tactics to come back. I feel trapped again. Alone. Pandering to someone else’s needs. Doing someone else’s stuff. Overextending at every moment. I wonder if only seeing these things I miss so many others. Whether my mind squashes and numbs everything that feels good so I could never be happy. I feel like that sometimes. And it is quite scary and strange.

[okaygenz]

I feel a little bit overwhelmed.

I was diagnosed with BPD. And I guess while it’s great to know, so I can look into working on myself and my problems, it’s also been some big news that is hard to come to terms with.

I didn’t really imagine this for my life. And knowing the amount of work that lies ahead seems daunting and astronomical.

It makes me feel small. And scared.

[okaygenz]

I need to focus on myself

[okaygenz]

I’m filled with a very heavy energy.

Transported to a past time that I didn’t wish to revisit. My heart hurts. Aches. I feel alone. And cold and sad.

Pushing you away with my defiance and heartbreak. But it’s not helpful.

And at the same time I’m hurting you too.

I hope we can trust eachother and grow together. Because I want to break this cycle. I don’t want to live here anymore.

I want what we had at the start. That was happy and kind and fun. No worries or cares. Just love.

[okaygenz]

Jealousy is something not worth feeling for anyone

[okaygenz]

I haven’t felt so bad in a long time.

My flowers at your fortress walls. Sad and limp.

Defeated. Surrender.

Wash me away.

[okaygenz]

One day you’ll sit in the sun and things won’t feel so bad

[okaygenz]

how to meld all ur identities into one n not be afraid to exist as a contradiction

[okaygenz]

I feel so alone in life

Is change aloneness?

When change happens, it only really happens to you. It can feel so isolating.

Only you go through the changes, by yourself.

I think we can find either strength in that, or pure weakness and vulnerability.