okk-aly - Tumblr blog

[okk-aly]

“Hands clenched in my lap, I could only sit and watch as you closed the door on everything we still might have become. Years spent having your favourite dinner memorised and learning to tell your mood by the tilt of your chin lost their meaning, defying space and time as though we’d never been. With one step in the wrong direction we reduced years and months and weeks to that one moment that made us come apart. The distance between us stretched, though my heart was never far from yours. Still it was only mine that broke along with the glass I’d been crushing between my fingers. The wine I’d brought to celebrate went bad in front of my very eyes, and I still could not loosen my grip. You said it’d always been my biggest flaw, holding on too tightly when I should have let go. It was over, I knew, but something kept me rooted to the spot. I stayed where you left me for what felt like decades, shattered glass still clinging to the tips of my fingers. “Are you still not over it?” my mother asked then, but I barely heard her. I was busy waiting for the soft sound of your footsteps rounding the corner. Because even though the threads binding us together had been cut, there was still something that tied you to this place. I could only hope that if you wouldn’t come back for me, maybe you’d at least come back to the place you’d called home for so many years.”

— where you left me / n.j.

[okk-aly]

“When the time comes, when it happens, promise me one thing?”

“Anything.”

“Promise you’ll try and find me again.”

[okk-aly]

“You’re late.”

“Yeah I would’ve got here on time, but I didn’t want to.”

[okk-aly]

poetry month day 1

by Molly Likovich

[okk-aly]

Remember when you had your first heart break and you thought the feeling of your heart being ripped from your chest would never end? Or that feeling you felt the first time you saw him with another girl? But guess what, that pain inside of you slowly disappeared. I promise you that whatever you’re feeling right now will not last forever, just hang in there.

-A.d.c

[okk-aly]

“don’t get me wrong, i’m an independent person. but i quite like the idea of waking up in the middle of the night with your arm wrapped around me. not protecting me, just holding me. and when i can’t sleep, i get to admire you. i can hold my breath until our heartbeats are in sync or maybe i can kiss the scar above your lip. i can count the freckles on your arms like i am an astronomer mesmerized by the stars in the sky. i can guess where your dreams are taking you by studying your wavering smile or fluttering eyes. and when i do fall asleep, i will dream about you, the last thing my eyes saw before i gave into the exhaustion. and when i wake up, the first thing i will see is you. maybe you will still be sleeping soundly holding onto me, or maybe i will catch you admiring me, too.”

— excerpt from it starts like this by shelby leigh

[okk-aly]

i’ve been in love with her from the moment i met her, but that’s not what you say when people ask how you fell together. what else is there to say? what is the socially acceptable thing to pull from your mouth like baby teeth you’ve outgrown? i met her by chance. i met her by fate. i met her at a concert or a dating app in the middle of a strange fall. i didn’t expect it, they expect me to say. and maybe that’s a little bit true. but the real truth, the true that stands in its entirety, is that i needed to meet her. my soul wouldn’t have survived a moment longer without knowing hers existed. the truth is i was wild and drunk and blue in the face on the idea of her until i was sobered by her skin. the truth is the world was too cruel to survive without her. the truth is that every hand that touched me before her were made of hawk wings and she was made of the clouds. she knows a lot of random facts. it’s one of the things i love about her. she told me the other day that clouds weighed a million pounds. but i wanted to tell her, all the clouds landed on me from the moment i saw her. this is the weight of my love for her. what else is there to say? what other truths can i tell? she is the only sky in the world that i’ll never lift off of my chest.

—(ap 4.20) when people ask me how we met

[okk-aly]

My PIN number to this day is my second grade best friends birthday. There are people I don’t talk to anymore whose families are still in my prayers. There are shirts I wear to bed from exes of 8 years ago who are married now with kids. And I haven’t found a macaroni salad recipe better than my college boyfriend’s mom’s. Our lives are made up of so many people and when people become parts of our lives, some parts remain long after they leave. And in the same exact way, it’s comforting to know there are so many lives you’re still a part of that you have no idea about.

[okk-aly]

don’t kill yourself.

think of anything, anything that you’d miss or that you can focus on right now and don’t let that go. put it off. put it off. put it off until the urge subsides because it’s an intrusive thought.

please stay safe.

[okk-aly]

I always thought I wouldn't make it to 30.

22 yeah, 25 perhaps, but 30 nahh. That was just impossible.

But now it's only 3 years away and it's within reach and I've survived almost 27 years so far, so now I believe I will make it these next 3 years.

And I'm so happy and proud of myself.

What I mean to say with this is that no matter how hopeless and unending a situation seems, one day you might just look back at it all realising how far you've come and how things that once seemed improbable are now within reach.

So hold on. Better times will come.

[okk-aly]

The boy I liked in college would always invite me over at night to do homework or play video games or make grilled cheese, it was always something different. And sometimes I’d lay with him while he watched videos for his biology class and play with his hair. And he’d always complain when the videos were long but I was genuinely always so happy when they were, because I just liked being with him. And for the length of those videos it was just me and him with the lights off not even talking at all. But then they’d end and it’d be late and he would call his girlfriend to say goodnight and I would walk home to my apartment downstairs. Because reality is a lot messier than a 20 minute video about cells.

[okk-aly]

I know I miss you because it happens in daylight. When I’m driving down a road with a view and the sun is hitting me, I think of how good you’d look beside me. And how great your laugh would sound, joining me when I’m out with friends. Or how much warmer the bed would be with you in it.

- S.A // I miss you even when I’m not lonely

[okk-aly]

“You are my best friend, my lover, the person who I go to when I want to smile.. you are the person I go to when I want hugs, when I want kisses, when I want to laugh, and when I want to cry.. point is, you are where I go no matter what. You are home to me, you are my home.. and that’s where I go to just be me, that’s where I can be me without any judgement at all. You are just amazing like that..”

Very, very amazing just like that - eUe

[okk-aly]

“To the man who left: I don’t think you’re a bad person for leaving. You knew I needed you, but I know I made it hard for you to be there when I’d push you far away from me. I don’t blame you for leaving. I know I can be more than a handful at times. My head loves to get the best of me and my paranoia quickly replaced you as my companion. I’m not mad at you. I just don’t know how to let someone love me at night without expecting them to leave the next morning. That’s why I sometimes cried while we had sex. I didn’t expect you to hold me afterwards. I wanted you to, but god, I was scared. I wanted you to stay, but I didn’t know how to be okay with it. I didn’t know how to allow you to love the parts of me that I despised. Above all things, please know that I did love you, but I was just too scared. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I know you did the best you could. I know a person can only take so much. I guess what I’m left with now is guilt, but I don’t deserve to miss you. I’ll keep quiet for your own sake. I know I am toxic. I know it is time to move on. Please forget me. I deserve it.”

— to the man who left

[okk-aly]

“i’m not going to pretend that you weren’t a huge part of my life, because you were. you were the biggest part of my life. regardless of what may happen in the future, where our paths take us, or who we become, i think a little part of me will always wish it was you next to me.”

— maybe in another life 

[okk-aly]

“This is why I left: I saw a life with you. Not in a romantic way, but the way where when I looked at the future I saw you sitting at my dining table, confessing your worries for the 1,800th time. I saw you meeting the love of my life and introducing me to yours. I saw you loving my kids like they were your own and I saw us loving each other - platonically, simply. But through our late night conversations about the world and about our futures - mere kids aspiring to be something great in a city that was always so poor - you spoke more about the way my smile lit your world up instead of what you’d do to create your own. You stopped fantasizing about meeting the love of your life and insisted that I was already in it, despite the fact that I said it wasn’t what I wanted. That this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I caught the lingering stares and the subtle comments. More than anything, I noticed how we changed; how you tried to force something on me that I didn’t want, and how you kept getting hurt in the process - silently blaming me for not reciprocating feelings that I didn’t harbor in the first place. Three years later and I feel the hatred steam off of you when you see me on the corner of my block. I ripped you off of me like a dying limb because I knew that if I held on to you, you’d cling for dear life - never looking forward to another version of your own future again. I left because I’d rather hurt you now and have you move on in due time, as opposed to not at all. I didn’t want you meeting the love of my life with a cold smile and tension wrapped around your first handshake. I didn’t want you to go home at night with no one beside you. I didn’t want you to look at my kids and wish they were ours. I didn’t want you to look backwards. I needed you to look forward. I broke your heart for your own good. But believe me when I say that you broke mine, too.”

— Fri[end]zoned // n.b.

[okk-aly]

“a piece of me still loves you, a part of me still holds onto us. unable to let go, unable to clear my mind of you. unable to peel off your name that’s engraved in my heart and the heaviness that follows with every letter that falls all the memories and all the laughter. All the love. Not wanting to cut the cord that connects me with you Not wanting to forget the way you used to look at me and the butterflies that made it hard to breathe but helped me learn to fly again. Not willing to let go of the map that leads to you cause our paths were meant to intersect I ran in the opposite direction but Everything leads back to you, and the way you kissed me that night. My first kiss, my first love. More than anything wanting you to be my last. But this time seems like the last, I need to let you go because you already did you are not there you are not here and I need to remind my heart that you are not mine anymore.”

— a stained heart | 02.15.14 | (this-wastedlove)