oklahomapartisan

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God Pleased With Gay Marriage Ban: ‘No More Tornadoes’ Says Placated Deity

By Ernie W. Marland, Partisan Staff Reporter If Oklahoma votes in favor of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, God will stop pelting the state with tornadoes. “If I look down and see that homosexuals are behind denied the same civil rights and privileges that heterosexuals enjoy, then we’ll be okay,” the Judeo-Christian deity said in a joint press conference with Sen. James Williamson, R-Tulsa.

“But if I see a separation of church and state, something’s getting wiped out.”

Republican leadership has been in talks with God throughout the session, working to broker a deal wherein the often-unpredictable supernatural entity would stop pelting the state with tornadoes, drought and other so-called “acts of God.” Federal law requires the state to enter into compacts with divine beings regarding Class III natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes and famine. God’s Class II disasters, such as a 1200% increase in meth use and the hemorrhaging of high-paying jobs, remain unregulated. However, God said he may reward the state if the Bible’s 612 other amendments are enshrined in state law.

“Yeah, I said homosexual love was an abomination, but I didn’t say it was any worse than any other abomination,”

he said. “What’s with all the hetero-textile clothing? In Leviticus 19:19, I specifically said ‘Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.’ Yet I look around and I see all sorts of hybrid cattle and a lot of people wearing linen-cotton blends. What’s up with that?” In response to the voice of God, Rep. Bill Graves, R-Oklahoma City, is crafting legislation to enshrine the entire book of Leviticus in the Oklahoma Constitution. A reprieve from tornadoes backs up Williamson’s claim that a gay marriage ban would help economic development in Oklahoma. Democrats had previously disputed that argument based on the fact that it made no friggin’ sense. Williamson said the lack of God’s wrath would drive down insurance prices which, along with right-to-work and tort-reform, will function as a panacea for the troubled state. “If Oklahomans don’t take a stand against civil rights, we’ll soon end up like the God-forsaken hellhole that is Massachusetts,” Williamson said. So far this year, God has punished Massachusetts with a standard-of-living and per-capita income far above Oklahoma’s, as well as much lower rates of crime, teenage pregnancy, obesity and suicide.

[oklahomapartisan]

Senate Celebrates ‘Penny Williams Awareness Day’

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, the Senate celebrated “Penny Williams Awareness Day,” a new state holiday designed to raise awareness of Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa, who often appears to have no idea what is going on in the world around her. “We had noticed that, at the Capitol and in the chamber, Penny often appeared both lost and confused. We hope that this holiday will greatly raise her awareness, informing her of where she is and what is going on,” said Sen. Daisy Lawler, D-Comanche. Lawler authored SB 24601, which created the state holiday. She said she was inspired to raise the awareness of Williams after watching the Tulsa senator vote to order tacos by unanimous consent. “I think we were discussing provisions of the Volunteer Firefighter Incentive Act and, during her debate, Sen. Williams attempted to ‘super-size’ the legislation for an additional 39 cents,” said Lawler.

“We’re hoping that Penny Williams Awareness Day will bring attention to Penny, or at least get her to stop yelling ‘Bingo!’ whenever she votes for a bill."

[oklahomapartisan]

Trial Lawyers Seen Twirling Mustaches, Tying Women To Railroad Tracks

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the 2003 legislative session winds down, Oklahoma’s trial lawyers are breathing a sigh of relief. At the beginning of the session, Gov. Brad Henry had promised tort reforms that would be “stronger than Texas.” With two weeks left in the session, Henry has backed off of this statement, and now promises reforms that are “stronger than Texas football.” After mounting an intense lobbying effort against lawsuit reform, trial lawyers have now resumed fulltime mustache twirling, as well as kidnapping damsels and tying them to railroad tracks. “Finally, I can relax again,” said part-time trial lawyer Sen. Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City. With the threat to jackpot justice nearly behind him, Taylor has resumed wearing a the black top hat and monocle that is the uniform of the American Trial Lawyer Association. “With tort reform essentially emasculated, the people of Oklahoma are the winners,” said Taylor. “Lawyers can finally get back to eating babies and kicking puppy dogs.” Trial lawyers are not the only party to benefit from Henry’s flaccid reform promises. The state’s workers compensation providers are eagerly awaiting the governor’s limp-wristed and toothless reform proposals.

At press time, some had even resumed covering themselves in goat’s blood and sacrificing chickens to Baal. “Thank goodness we have a governor who fights for the people, not millionaire special interests,” said Taylor, himself a millionaire trial lawyer who was especially interested in the legislation. “I haven’t had time to kill a kitten in months.”

[oklahomapartisan]

Mandated Breast-feeding

As Will Rogers once said; "My jokes don't harm anyone, but when congress writes a joke, it becomes a law!" Stay tune for our upcoming reports on these stories… – Thanks to scrivener’s error, public breast-feeding now required by law – Inhofe signs lucrative sponsorship deal with douchebag manufacturer

[oklahomapartisan]

Lincoln Street Hookers Pushing For Longer Legislative Session

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – As the Legislature enters its last week of the regular session, hookers along the “Capitol Corridor” are shoring up for the lean summer months. However, with term limits carrying off many repeat customers, the president of the Prostitutes Local 24601 says the union may lobby for a longer legislative session. “The Legislature is constitutionally mandated to adjourn in May,” said Gertie Cummings, part-time lobbyist and full-time whore.

“This hasn’t been a problem in the past, because we had some big spenders. However, a 12-year term limit can create big problems within the industry, since it can take up to a year to convince some of the younger lawmakers that their wives will never find out.”

Cummings said the union is pushing for a constitutional amendment to extend the legislative session through the end of July.

[oklahomapartisan]

Sexual Tension Between Balkman, Cargill Approaching Dangerous Levels

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, legislators were told of the rising sexual tension between Rep. Thad Balkman, R-Norman, and Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah. The two representatives are frequent collaborators, often issuing joint press releases and addressing the media together. Most recently, the dynamic duo issued a press release calling on the Oklahoma Democratic Party to cancel a gay marriage event and “endorse efforts to amend the state constitution to prohibit gay marriage.” “They’re always together, talking about Oklahoma values and capital gains tax cuts,” said House staffer Gordon MacRae,

“It’s so obvious, everyone in the Capitol knows it.”

Former House page Gloria Grahame was more direct, “I wish they’d just kiss already.” While most at the Capitol agree that Balkman and Cargill would make a good couple, the rising tension is not without danger, said Oklahoma fire marshal Robert Doke.

“Whenever Balkman and Cargill get together, the sparks start flying. And when you’ve got a Capitol surrounded by oil wells, flying sparks is not something you want to deal with,”

said Doke. To ease some of the tension between the two, Doke suggested having a House staffer hose them down between particularly intense caucus sessions. Sen. Scott Pruitt, R-Broken Arrow, has also offered to chaperone the two to ensure that everything remains copacetic.

[oklahomapartisan]

Stipe Escapes House Arrest

Police urge caution; Former senator last seen making illegal campaign contributions south of McAlester By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter: Former senator and convicted felon Gene Stipe escaped from house arrest on Monday, slipping out the back door while his wife was watching daytime TV. Stipe’s checkbook was also missing, which concerns authorities.

“As of right now, we believe the fugitive to be hiding somewhere in the McAlester area,”

said Pittsburg County sheriff Jerome Amaranto. “We’re concerned that he might try to funnel illegal donations into a city council race, or possibly contribute to the campaign coffers of Mike Mass.” In January, Stipe was sentenced for perjury, conspiracy to obstruct a Federal Election Commission investigation and conspiracy to violate the Federal Election Campaign Act. During the sentencing process, which was delayed six times, many sought jail time for the 77-year-old lawmaker. An exception was Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, who recommended castration.

[oklahomapartisan]

Governor ‘Doing Well’ Following Spine-Removal Surgery

Valentine's Day took more commitment this year, so we missed a copy deadline.

Here are the stories we should have had ready for print, but didn't

Even Nashoba lawmaker doesn’t know where the hell Nashoba is

Obese kids, hungry cows: State crisis solves itself

Senator calls for special session to finish farewell speech

Governor ‘doing well’ following spine-removal surgery

Cain collapses from bleeding heart

[oklahomapartisan]

Hiett Calls For Resignation of Entire Democratic Party

Citing the need to protect Oklahoma's children from improved health care and broader educational opportunities, House Minority Leader Todd Hiett, D-Kellyville, called for the resignation of Oklahoma's Democratic Party.

"For too long, the Democratic Party has clogged the legislature with plans to extend health care to the poor, boost teacher salaries and provide drug rehabilitation programs for addicts. The resignation of the party is necessary to proceed with important business such as reforming workers compensation and absolving corporations of responsibility to consumers,"

Hiett said in a Wednesday press conference. So far, Hiett has sought the resignations of:

Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington,

Senate President Pro Tempore Emeritus Stratton Taylor, D-Oklahoma City and

Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne.

He also seeks the resignation of:

Oklahoma Insurance Commissioner Carroll Fisher,

Gov. Brad Henry,

two dogs and

fifteen cats thought to be opposed to tort reform.

Hiett is expected to present the call for resignation to House Speak Larry Adair, D-Stillwell, who is expected to flip him the bird.

[oklahomapartisan]

Meacham Attributes Legislative Success To Magic Purple Pimp Hat

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation.

Scott Meacham, director of the Office of State Finance, says his magical pimp hat keeps his bitches in line during the lengthy process of negotiation. By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Writer From tobacco compacts to gambling and Medicaid expansion, state finance director Scott Meacham was one of the most effective forces in Oklahoma government. However, the Elk City banker is quick to give credit where credit is due, acknowledging the magical powers of his purple pimp hat. “The hat keeps my (prostitutes) in line,” said Meacham. “Tobacco retailers are all like, ‘We can’t compete with the tribes’ and I’m like, ‘Be cool bitches.’ You gotta respect the hat. Otherwise you get the slap.” Meacham said his headgear’s purple velvet crown makes him seem more approachable, while the zebra-striped band subtle indicates that he ain’t f#@kin’ around. Legislators and other officials are generally supportive of Meacham’s hat, although they have a less-favorable opinion of his vicious backhand slaps. “I was arguing gambling expansion about a month ago,” said Rep. Forrest Claunch, R-Midwest City, “and the next thing I know, I’m getting slapped across the face while Scott screams ‘Who’s your daddy?’” Meacham explained that, in the course of his work, it is often necessary to lay the smack down on punk bitches. “You got a problem, you can take it up with the hat,” he said. Punk-ass bitches have asked Gov. Brad Henry to restrain Meacham. However, following an assault by “the five fingers of progress,” Henry said he ain’t goin’ there again.

[oklahomapartisan]

Feral Steve Largent Found Living In Governor’s Basement

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Tuesday, officials with the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation confirmed that Steve Largent, former football star, U.S. representative and gubernatorial candidate, was found living in the basement of the governor’s mansion. 

The discovery concludes a yearlong investigation into the fate of the popular, good-looking jock, who had not been heard from following his defeat by student-council dweeb Brad Henry in the 2002 election. Officials says Largent has been living in the mansion’s basement since the defeat, surviving off Sonic leftovers discarded by the Henry family. 

  Largent was largely incoherent, but appears to think he has been running Oklahoma government from his nest of filth. He seemed pleased to announce the successful passage of workers compensation and tort reform, before flinging feces at Animal Control officers. “Man, that’s pretty messed up,” said Henry.

[oklahomapartisan]

Lt. Governor Calls For Commission To Identify If the Office Has Any Real Duties

Happy Spring and condolences for all the pathetic bills which didn't get a committee vote. Better luck next year.

Here are some journalistic tips we should be investigating, but the people-watching in the rotunda is more fun.

Henry says EDGE 2005 will feature 50 percent more smoke, mirrors

Rural lawmakers planning aggressive effort to court black voter

Lt. Governor calls for special commission to determine what the hell she’s supposed to do all day

Ronnie Kaye now older than God

[oklahomapartisan]

Cargill Asks Gaylord Family To Consider Changing Name

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – In a politely-worded letter to The Daily Oklahoman, the House Republican Leader has asked the relatives of publishing magnate E.K. Gaylord to consider changing the family name. 

  Rep. Lance Cargill, R-Harrah, asked the family to consider a surname “more in line with traditional Oklahoma values.” “Let’s face it,” wrote Cargill, 

“Oklahoma’s high standard of living and low rates of drug use, teenage pregnancy and incarceration are derived entirely from its strong opposition to homosexuality. It doesn’t look good when we’ve got the words ‘Gay Lord’ associated our largest newspaper.” 

  Cargill also asked to change the name of Gaylord Family – Oklahoma Memorial Stadium, saying the moniker may have played a part in the cornholing the Sooners received in the 2005 National Championship. In his letter, Cargill provided a number of alternatives to the controversial name, including “Christian,” “Godlove” and “Tort Reformer.”

[oklahomapartisan]

SESSION BEGINS: House Republicans Already Drunk With Power, Bourbon

By Martin Trapp, Partisan Staff Reporter 

  The 50th session of the Oklahoma Legislature convenes today. Following a contentious 2004 election, state Republicans swept into power on the back of God, guns, gays and the fact that Brad Carson apparently had a homosexual relationship with John Kerry and Edward Kennedy simultaneously. 

  In the House, the GOP took the majority of seats for the first time in 80 years, a fact noted in damn near every press release issued by the Republican Party. Rep. Todd Hiett, R-Kellyville, was installed as the Speaker of the House in January. In that position, he will lead a 77-seat majority (57 actual Republicans and 20 more who would be Republicans if they could go without the farm subsidies). 

  “Clearly, the people have spoken,” said Hiett. 

  “With this election, we can finally put the nightmarish social and civil rights advances of the 20th century behind us. As politicians, we are the tools of the people, and we promise to be the biggest bunch of tools this state has ever seen.” 

  Republicans wasted no time in pressing their advantage, shifting passing new rules that would limit the ability to propose and debate amendments on the House floor, as well as procedural changes that would require members of the minority party to ask “Mother may I?” before every vote. In the Senate, Sen. Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, will continue to lead a emasculated Democratic majority, which plans to spend most of its time sobbing until it is put out to pasture in the 2006 election.

[oklahomapartisan]

Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”

  However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug 

said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.   An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”

[oklahomapartisan]

Hiett Unveils Comprehensive Plan For Workers Comp Reform

‘Suck it up, you pansies’ says Speaker.

In other news, we're working on some leads in these 2 stories.

– House chief of staff fires 23 more people ‘for shits and giggles’ 

–  SBC goons fixing to deregulate your face 

[oklahomapartisan]

Attorney General Files Restraining Order Against Lawmaker’s Mustache

OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – On Monday, Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced that he had filed a restraining order against the mustache of Rep. Larry Rice, D-Pryor. “Rice’s facial hair is out of control,” said Edmondson. “We feel that, if it is allowing to grow unchecked, it threatens to consume the House.” 

  Edmond said the action was necessary to protect Rep. Joe Eddins, D-Vinita, who sits next to Rice in the House and has been assaulted by the mustache on various occasions. “I’m not saying he has to shave it but something has to be done. I can’t see anything from my desk anymore, and it’s like voting in a straw hut.” Eddins said. 

  In a previous filing, the attorney general successfully restrained the mustache of Rep. Greg Piatt, D-Ardmore. He said he is considering taking action against the goatee of Sen. Charles Ford, R-Tulsa, as well as filing suit against the soupstrainer of destruction worn by Rep. Mike Mass, D-Hartshorne.