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Escaping The First Semester Lull

by Jake Hurwitz

First semester is about half way over, and you're bound to be bored. After a few weeks at school nothing can really excite you anymore, huge parties are old news, you've obviously stopped caring about tests and quizzes and you've gone from embracing the "relaxed" look to being just plain dirty. You're dangling over the black abyss that is the monotonous existence of a college kid. But wait! A hand shoots out to save you just as you're about to fall to your doom, it's me! And I have some awesome ideas on how to spice up your mind-numbing reality:

Take a Road Trip: This is totally simple. Just cram all your friends into a car and drive. I suggest New York City, I don't care how far away it is. Don't worry about bringing any money, everything is free in the Big Apple, and all the tolls can be paid with nothing more than a polite smile and a, "hey how ya doin' pal?", Not to mention gas prices, zero dollars a gallon my friend. Sometimes in New York City they pay you five dollars just to fill up! They say New York is the city that never sleeps, and they mean it! Just wander through all the dark alleys that you see, you're sure to meet all kinds of interesting people.

Punch Your Roommate: This is a sure fire way to introduce some excitement into your life. Just walk right up to him/her and sock them in the face. When they come to, just be like, "You ate every single last one of my gingerbread cookies!", They won't have any idea what you're talking about, which is the idea. Before they can explain that they didn't even know you had any gingerbread cookies give them a swift kick in the side. After you've calmed down you can explain that it was all a misunderstanding. Your roommate will understand, right?

Learn a foreign Language: Just kidding, rob a convenience store. You don't need much, just something that somewhat resembles a gun and a kick-ass attitude. Get all your friends together and go rob that damn convenience store for all the Ho Ho Snack Cakes and scratch off games it's worth. With your winnings from the scratch off games you can go buy even more Ho Ho Snack Cakes. When the cops come looking for you just try bribing them with the Snack Cakes, if they act insulted, try offering them more Snack Cakes" or threaten them with the "gun".

Go on America's Funniest Home Videos: First you'll need to get the smart kid on your floor to build a time machine so you and your friends can travel back to 1990. Once there you can send in that video of you getting hit in the crotch with a croquet mallet. You might win 10,000 dollars, or better yet, you might get to meet Bob Saget in his prime. Getting back to the future might be hard, but who cares? You met Bob Fucking Saget!

Free All the Animals From the Zoo: Not only will you be escaping the mundane existence of college life, you will be helping wild animals escape the caged existence of zoo life. Just hop on a bus to your local zoo. When you get there, sneak on in and cut the locks off all the cages. Start with the more docile animals, so as to give them a head start from the carnivorous predators you'll be releasing soon after. As for you, you shouldn't worry too much about being eaten by lion, at most they'll just maim you. And what a small price to pay for an exotic animals freedom!

So now you've got no excuse to be bored, I just supplied you with some great ways to bring some exhilaration into your bleak lives. Any one of my above suggestions will do, but don't be afraid to try your own recipe for entertainment; all you need is a good imagination, a wild streak and a complete lack of common sense and basic reasoning skills. Oh, it also helps if your parents dropped you on your head when you were a baby.

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The Perfect Mix CD

by Jake Hurwitz

So you finally got the nerve to ask out that hot girl in your anthropology class - and when she turned you down you decided to settle for that weird girl who sits on the other side of you with the short haircut and the lisp. When you found out she was a lesbian you went back to your dorm to kill yourself; this is when you discovered that your roommate's hot cousin was coming to visit. Now it's on! After a long night of party hopping and walking through the Wendy's drive-through like a bad-ass your roommate finally passes out, leaving you and his increasingly beautiful cousin all alone on the futon. If you're a true P.I.M.P.P. (Professional I-pod Master Play-list Planner) like me you've already prepared for this moment by making the perfect mix CD. The play-list might look a little something like this:

1. Dave Matthews Band: Crash. This song automatically sets the mood before your roommate's cousin even realizes what's happening. Memories of making out with her ex-boyfriend/random strangers during DMB concerts flood her mind, and she is rendered powerless against the romantic melody of the song. Dave's soothing vocals will act as the ultimate aphrodisiac as you try to initiate a little conversation. Ask her about her hopes, dreams and fears. Ask her about her first kiss"¦ just to make sure she isn't a lesbian"

2. Enrique Iglesias: Escape. She might giggle just a little bit when this song starts to play, but that's the idea, just like roofies are the key to a women's pants, laughter is the key to any woman's heart. Soon enough the soft electric guitar will take over and you won't need any explanation as to why this song is on your CD. When Enrique hits the high "C", slide your arm around her waist, and put your free arm on her knee, if she then raises her leg over yours (Like you should be expecting.) coolly move your hand up to her thigh. Now you find yourself in a glorious little pretzel of human extremities, see how well you can tangle yourselves together, maybe you'll get stuck!

3. Eagle Eyed Cherry: Save Tonight. This song will seal the deal. Just listen to the lyrics! This song was written for you and your roommate's hot cousin. When the chorus begins to come in whisper, "I wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow, I wish that you could stay." She won't know why, but she will wish this too, and the lyrics of this song will take on a whole new meaning. Sort of like, "You and me, and a bottle of wine." It will be you and her, and a bottle of Captain, and her cousin sleeping 3 feet away.

4. The Verve: Bittersweet Symphony. This is where you make your move. Allow the violin play a little bit as you look longingly into her eyes. Lean in just as the drums kick in, she wouldn't even be able to resist her cousin at a moment like this, let alone his totally sexy roommate. Clothes will be flying off as the first chorus plays. "I can't change my mind. No, no, no", Richard Ashcroft will croon, and you and your roommates kin won't change your mind about consummating the dirty deed on the very futon you and your roommie bought together.

You will wake up in the arms of your roommate's hot cousin; she will gaze at you adoringly and thank you for the most romantic night of her life. "No," you will say, "Thank you." As you get up to walk her out of the dorm slyly hit the play button on the boom box one last time. Hootie and The Blowfish's 1994 hit song, "Only Wanna Be With You" will come on. As you share a teary goodbye the hot cousin will promise to attend your school next fall. You will make a solemn vow to wait for her, and to call and write everyday. All these promises will be vapid and empty but who cares!? You totally just fucked your roommate's cousin!

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Class Rings

by Jake Hurwitz

Remember Junior year when that guy in a suit came to your school and showed you a slide show and gave you a pamphlet with all those oversized, shiny rings? Now if you're a total tool you might also remember getting way too excited and rampantly flipping through the packet before promising to go halfsies with your parents just so you could get the "most bitchingest ring ever". Well I'm here to forgive you. I understand, you got caught up in the moment, you probably thought most of your friends would do it, maybe you were high? Look, we all make mistakes, just don't make this worse by actually wearing that stupid ass looking ring.

Much like communism and sex buddies, the class ring sounds very good in theory. Something to bond with your friends over, a keepsake of those awkward, acne filled but somehow glorious high school years, perhaps even something to show your grandkids one day, maybe they will appreciate it - if they're total losers. Let's face it though guy, unless you won a Super Bowl or World Series you just can't pull off a ring that size. Not even if you're wearing a suit like the guy that sold it to you, not even in your graduation gown. Nothing, and I really do mean NOTHING can make that ring look cool. You can do a back flip on a motorcycle over a shark tank while 20 topless cheerleaders chant your name and I will still boo your pathetic ass for wearing that unnecessarily large class ring.

I want to make perfectly clear that there are no exceptions to this rule. On more than one occasion I have found myself making fun of class rings when one of my friends is like, "Hey, I'm wearing my class ring." In this situation I have always said something like, "Oh I'm not talking about rings like that, you can pull that off, Carl." But I'm lying Carl, you can't pull that off. And also your haircut is stupid, and you wear the same shirt all the time, and your parents are dead. Now although most of Carl's misfortune is pretty funny, the fact that he wears the class ring is no laughing matter. Your bulky and awkward class ring makes your friends not want to you hang with you, it also repels women and gives you cancer, hence the death of Carl's parents.

I hope I've been helpful to all you ring wearers out there. I think all you needed was some tough love, and if this article didn't do the trick you're gonna get some tougher love. Because the next asshole I see with a class ring on his finger is getting kicked in the nuts. I'm not kidding, my foot's hitting your junk, and then you'll be sorry you ever wore that stupid ring. Or maybe you'll just punch me, but I wish you wouldn't, because that ring would definitely hurt a lot. 

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The Top Ten Reasons Not to Date Anyone Who Makes a Top Ten Reasons to Date Them List

by Jake Hurwitz

We've all seen them, they make their way into the AIM profile of girls from all kinds of sports teams. Date a volley ball player because, "We can't get enough balls!" date a swimmer because, "We love to get wet!" Well I'm not dating any of you whores until you get a life and stop making those goddamn lists. Here's the top ten reasons why:

10. You're conceited. You think you're so cool Miss Softball player because you "like to round the bases" Well I'm sorry but you're not the greatest thing since sliced bread", because being smug is a complete turnoff, and sliced bread is fucking awesome.

9: You're all posers. You copy each other, man. Come on, basically every single one of you says, "We're always looking to score!", unless you play a sport that focuses on endurance rather than goal scoring, in which case you will undoubtedly say, "We're always willing to go the distance!" Real original, tramp.

8. A good number of your reasons don't make sense. I admit some of your suggestions can be clever, but isn't it a little ridiculous to be like, "Date a badminton player because we love the (shuttle)cock!" You can't just ignore the word "shuttle", it changes the meaning of the statement entirely.

7. You're trying too hard. I'm really not the kind of guy who has a check list 10 items long that I must go through before trying to get with someone. In fact, I really only need one thing on your list: "1. If you get me drunk enough I will probably sleep with you, or at least give you a blowjob." Really? Perfect, you're in!

6. You won't have time for me! You're clearly very devoted to that sport you play since you think it's so cool that you participate in it. And when you're not busy practicing or playing that sport you're probably sitting on your computer making up lists.

5. I bet you're ugly. Swimmers have big shoulders, softball players have big hips, runners are too skinny, basketball players are too tall and for God's sake, cheerleading isn't a sport!

4. We're not compatible. Obviously you play a sport, which means you're somewhat active. Which clearly means we're going to butt heads over stupid little things like how I wake up no earlier than 2 in the afternoon, or that I sit on my futon naked and watching re-runs of Boy Meets World all day.

3. Can't I just date one of your chubby friends? I don't want to deal with some girl who has a superiority complex, and you clearly think you're hot shit. I think I'll stick to the one ugly girl you decent looking ones keep around to make yourselves feel good, her self esteem is so low that she'll do anything!

2. Anyone can come up with one of these lists, not everything on them is an absolute fact. Maybe I should date one of those nerdy chicks from the psychology club right? Because her "favorite part of the body is the head!"; give me a break, loser!

1. You probably wouldn't go out with me anyway. :(

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Life in the Real World (Sort of)

by Jake Hurwitz

One thing college humor gets praised for is its diverse writing staff. I mean just look at our writer's page, it's a never-ending list of faces from all over the world, each with his or her own unique blend of class and hilarity. Okay wait, don't really look at the writer's page, just take my word for it. Alright, fine, you got me, we're mostly a bunch of Jewish kids from the Northeast, and one or two hot chicks (Hey Lauren Holly *wink*). But just because we're all white kids with a college education doesn't mean we don't know the low down on the real world. Check it:

Politics: As your average 20 year old, I know what's important to today's youth: Trust Funds. We all have them, and we'd like to see them mature the way that they should. I'm sure we're all aware that there's a war going on somewhere in the world, over some kind of discrepancy"¦ Well I, for one, don't want anything to jeopardize my Trust Fund, which is why I always vote in my money's best interest. My parents and grandparents worked very hard to earn that money, and they deserve to see me drive around in an awesome sports car before they die. 

Sports: Now that it's fall, basketball season is in full swing, right? Okay, I'm not exactly familiar with sports like, "Football" or "Hockey" but I can tell you that my croquet set on the Vineyard has never seen so much action as it did this summer! Talk about your nail-biting matches! Even Champ, our Golden Retriever, got in on the excitement, barking and gallivanting across the yard. Aside from croquet, my favorite sport is probably sailing. When I'm on my father's boat, sipping wine coolers while our captain, Esteban, flies across the sea, I just know in my heart that this is The Only Sport for Me; which, coincidentally, is what we named the boat. I don't know about anyone else, but playing sports makes me feel like an average Joe. Only this average Joe would prefer to be called Joseph, I think it sounds better.

Jobs: I understand that those kids who aren't fortunate enough to go to college usually have to get jobs straight out of high school (unless you're a girl, they just have babies). Well I had a summer job this year, and man alive, was it tough! My dad's office barely gave me 25 dollars an hour and I had to share my office for like two weeks before they finally fired that woman who had been there for 9 years. Going to work everyday from 11:00 to 3:00 with only a two hour lunch break really made me appreciate the hard work real people have to do. Even though work was trying, I knew I was gaining valuable life experience, something you don't find at college.

Hopefully I've proved all you skeptics wrong by demonstrating that I'm in touch with current affairs, I'm down to earth and, clearly, I'm hard working. But just because I'm totally ready for the real world doesn't mean I want to get thrown into the mire quite yet. I'm enjoying college life - and even though it's a major bitch not being able to have both my cars on campus and I hate not having someone to hand wash my delicate garments - I definitely want to stick around for at least another 6 or 7 years. Hey, I think I hear my fraternity brothers calling my name from the game room, peace out!

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Jake Explains It All

How To Get Rid of Dorm Food Diarrhea 

Flush it.

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College vs. Real College

by Jake Hurwitz

Like many of you, I grew up watching Saved by the Bell, Boy Meets World, and (don't tell anyone) Dawson's Creek. Those shows taught me all I knew about relationships, family problems, and, as years passed without network cancellation, college life. Well, you can imagine my disappointment when I moved into my dorm freshman year only to discover that the college life portrayed on television during my youth was not even remotely similar to real college life. Allow me to explain:

Saved by the Bell: First of all, the fact that Zack got into UCLA without ever doing any homework (aside from that project he did with the Native American that one time) just because he got a good SAT score is ridiculous, but I won't even get into that. Zack moves in to his dorm with A.C. Slater and Samuel "Screech" Powers. Talk about a stroke of luck! Who saw that one coming?! As freshmen, Zack and the guys had a sweet common room, complete with a kitchen, which connected them to one Miss Kelly Kapowski and her two hot roommates, Leslie and Alex. My freshman year I lived in a 12 by 10 cinderblock cell with a strange Indian kid who had a nasty Hot-Pocket addiction and rampant body odor. There was no common room connecting our room to the room of three gorgeous women. Instead, we had a hallway with a puke-stained carpet connecting our room to the R.A.'s room - who, by the way, was not an awesome ex-football player named Mike but a tiny computer nerd named Barry. Yeah, my first day on campus was a let-down, and it only went downhill from there.

Boy Meets World: Just like Cory, Eric, Topanga, Sean and Angela, I applied to Pennbrook University. Sadly, I didn't get in, but not because of my low G.P.A. or because of a lack of extra curricular activities. No, I'd say the biggest determining factor in my not being admitted was that Pennbrook doesn't exist. That's probably the reason my spell check has it underlined in red right now. Anyway, as if that wasn't bad enough, I was totally thrown off when I went to my first class and didn't see my favorite teacher from high school standing at the front, ready to throw some sweet life lessons my way. What the hell, Mr. Deck? Mr. Feeny followed his students from school to school. I know change is difficult, and you might be missing that PhD, but, dude, get with the program. I mean, what am I supposed to do if Topanga gets mad at me? Or what if Angela wants to move to Europe for a year with her Dad? I can't solve problems like this on my own!

Dawson's Creek: That's when I started thinking, why should I even go to college? Pacey didn't go and he did fine. He was an investment banker, and later in the very same season, a chef. Those things sound like stuff I can do without ever getting any sort of actual training, right? So I put on a suit and went out there and gave it a shot. Amazingly, no brokerage houses or five-star restaurants hired me after my interviews. I did everything Pacey did; grew the goatee, drove a cool vintage car, even tried to use unnecessarily big words in my sentences"; unfortunately my math knowledge is at or below third grade level, and I don't know how to use a calculator. The chef thing didn't go too well when they discovered my culinary skills were limited to making Easy-Mac, and even that comes out a little watery sometimes".

What I'm trying to say is that college is not like TV. You're not going to bang Joey Potter, Topanga or in Zack's case - whoever the hell you want. Your teachers aren't gonna be Mr. Feeny or Professor Lasky (Thanks IMDB!). And you're gonna have to work hard to excel in life, my friend. But there is one upside that TV didn't tell you about. There's tons of alcohol to drink and crazy drugs to do in college, way more than any TV shows let on. So have a ball! Cut loose! Get fucked up! Hey, maybe Topanga will pass out and you can feel her boobs.

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The Lost Art of the First Date

by Jake Hurwitz

One big difference you might notice the first few weeks of college is that the dating scene practically disappears. This may seem cool at first, but random drunken hookups never happen quite as often as you want them to, and more often than not they happen with the overweight friend of the girl you really want. I don't know about anyone else but I don't like having my first dates at a frat house with all the brothers trying to hit on the same girl I'm after. And I don't like that holding some hammered girl's hair back as she pukes in some bushes by her dorm is the new way to be "romantic." If you ask me, I think what every college girl needs is a good old fashioned first date. And if you've already forgotten how those work, then you're in luck. In my experience I've learned that a good first date basically comes down to about 4 components, maybe 5 if you get the first 4 right *wink*. So, without further ado, let me present to you "Jake's Foolproof Plan for a Sweet First Date"

1. Dinner: You're probably thinking you should take her out for a nice fancy Italian dish. WRONG! That's a total rookie mistake, girls love cheeseburgers, they all do. If she tells you she's a vegetarian just say you got her a veggie burger, then later reveal the awesome truth. She'll probably think it's hilarious. When its your turn to order kindly ask the waiter what the most expensive thing on the menu is, once he answers say, "That sounds good, I'll have two." At the end of dinner I tend to think the girls like you to tell them how expensive the meal was, just so they know you're packing some serious cash. Also, sneak in just how large a tip you're leaving. Girls like a generous guy.

2. Movie: Let's go with something artsy. A foreign film even, the kind with the English subtitles on the bottom. Before the previews start I like to engage in conversation by telling her about my SAT scores, padded ever so slightly, and informing her of how many Polo shirts I own. If by some stroke of bad luck she says that her SATs are higher than yours simply change the number. i.e. "Did I say 1350? I meant 1500." This will undoubtedly evoke some skepticism from your date, but don't worry, just vehemently swear to God that you meant to say 1500 and she'll leave it alone.

3. Dessert: How about ice cream? Use this time to gab about the movie a little, what you liked and didn't like. I usually like to talk about how the leading actress was "sooo hot", or compare myself to the main male actor, only I suggest that I'm probably better looking and I should have, in fact, been cast for the part rather than him. Not that I have a lot of acting experience, or any at all, but I just think I'd be a sweet actor.

4. Leisurely Stroll: The last leg of your date will require a quaint yet romantic stroll through town or around campus. During this walk I like to display my aerobic ability by doing a few cartwheels, I then engage my date to try a few as well, of course I make sure to tell her that mine are better and that she looks like a drunk monkey. If conversation begins to lag, just ask her, "Where do you summer?" You can space out now until she returns the question, now you say, "Wherever the hell I want." Yeah, that sounded awesome.

Finally, walk your date to the front door of her dorm while telling her what a great time she must have had, once there you may get that mesmerizing first kiss", but if, instead, you get the veer off at the last second kiss on the cheek, the double armed hug, or God forbid, the high five, always play it cool. And take it from someone who has gotten more than a few lines like, "I'll call you sometime!" as they hastily vanish though the doorway, somehow forgetting to take down my number. The double-armed hug, hell, even a one-armed hug, is a great start for a first date. So next time you're standing outside some hot girl's dorm, basking in the glow of your dating triumph, don't forget who got you there: me. You're welcome