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NOPEvember is a 30-day movie marathon in which Matt Moskal watches 30 bad movies to escape the ennui of late-Autumn. Movies are either reviewed as written blog posts or in audio podcast form. Films will also be discussed on Bonus Hour on UMFM 101.5 FM Thursdays at 11:00 p.m. CST.

On the eve of NOPEvember, Bruce and I watched the much maligned murder mystery, The Snowman (2017). On the November 2nd edition of Bonus Hour on UMFM 101.5 FM, we reviewed the film live on-air. 

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NOPEvember 2017: Day #01: Army of One (2016)

NOPEvember is a 30-day movie marathon in which Matt Moskal watches 30 bad movies to escape the ennui of late-Autumn. Movies are either reviewed as written blog posts or in audio podcast form. Films will also be discussed on Bonus Hour on UMFM 101.5 FM Thursdays at 11:00 p.m. CST.

Director: Larry Charles (Borat, Seinfeld)

IMDb Synopsis:  After a personal visit by God himself, the eccentric construction worker Gary Faulkner takes the decision to embark on an adventure in the badlands of Pakistan to bring Al-Qaeda's leader Osama Bin Laden to justice.

Written by: Rajiv Joseph & Scott Rothman

In my heart, I believe that Nicolas Cage is a good actor. Nicolas Cage is on my phone case. Nicolas Cage is in movies you’ve had vividly described to you by friends. There is no mistaking Nicolas Cage for any other.

Army of One, directed by veteran comedy string-puller Larry Charles, is not a good Nicolas Cage movie. Mostly because it feels like it’s trying so hard to be a movie about an unhinged Nicolas Cage performance. In fact, this film may be better consumed by a friend dramatically retelling the plot.

One of the reasons the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man was so astonishingly puzzling and inadvertently silly was the tone. In an attempt to make a horror film, here was this brash and misguided hurricane of emotion throwing fits in nearly every scene. It was as if a man dressed as Spock suddenly started dropping renaissance fair attendees with the Vulcan nerve pinch. 

Army of Me tips its hand right away. And then it keeps asking you if it has good cards. We’re introduced to Gary Faulkner (Cage) with a superfluous phoned-in voice-over, clearly aping Ron Howard’s performance in Arrested Development. As we’re introduced to Faulkner, he is soaring through the Pakistani skies on an American flag hang glider in an Evel Knievel jumpsuit wielding a katana blade with his boombox blasting beneath him. 

The screen shot felt completely necessary. Because describing this opening is as mentally daunting as it is imagining. But rest assured, reader, this movie is based on a true story. Gary Faulkner is a real person and the events of this film (mostly) actually happened. And there is no short supply of footage of the “Rocky Mountain Rambo” to which one could review, compile and form an objective opinion around. And it would be a far more entertaining film than Army of One. Which begs the question: if the subject matter is alive and not shy around cameras, why not make a documentary? Surely Charles, who previously sat in the director’s chair for mockumentary Borat, could have joined Faulkner on a leg of his journey and let the subject just be himself. Instead, we get Nicolas Cage doing an impression of Gary Faulkner acting like Gary Faulkner is secretly Nicolas Cage.

The first forty five minutes of the film take place in Colorado, where Gary works as a handyman who likes to visit hardware stores and spew nationalistic vitriol about non-American toilets. His presence feels like The Big Lebowski’s The Dude had his mind jacked by his veteran friend Walter Sobchak. Gary’s drinking buddies (Paul Scheer and Will Sasso) seem to tolerate his antics, possibly for the enjoyment of watching the rest of the world interact with him. This raises an issue in the casting. Paul Scheer is the host of the excellent bad movie podcast, How Did This Get Made?, who have reviewed a number of Nicolas Cage’s movies. In the show’s mini-episodes, Paul will question if the movie his panel has just reviewed would be better if it starred Nicolas Cage. So his presence in this movie is a long, exaggerated wink to the camera. And since this film feels like 90-minutes of “this friggin’ clown, huh?” moments, it adds another layer of (hopefully unintentional) self-awareness to the proceedings.

The first half of Army of One moves much slower as any time we’re introduced to a new character, they are treated to the synopsis of this film. While watching the news in a bar, Faulkner brags about how he could take out Osama Bin Laden. Then, after we learn that Gary is on dialysis, he is visited by God (Russell Brand), who also treats him to the synopsis of this film. Police officers, airline employees, doctors, etc. all get a close-up of their mugging when Gary rattles off his explanation for his eccentric behaviour. Most of the dialogue is redundant. If you open Showgirls in a media player and randomly select a scene, you’re typically within five minutes of nudity. The same applies for Army of One, but instead of Jessie Spano’s areola, it’s another impassioned speech about getting Bin Laden.

Early in the story, Gary reconnects with his old crush, Marci Mitchell (Wendi McLendon-Covey), who he claims to have masturbated to during his youth. He treats her to the synopsis of this film and she politely supports him in a non-patronizing manor. Their relationship results in one of the few endearing qualities to Army Of One.

Gary’s relationship with Marci’s daughter, Lizzie (Chenoa Morison), gives us a glimpse at what could have been a much better movie. Lizzie is described as having “challenges”, she requires a wheelchair and does not speak. So, Gary pretends to have a psychic connection with her. He and his drinking buddies rebuild her ramp. And when his crusade yields disappointing results, he brings her tchotchkes and souvenirs from his travels. Another argument for a Gary Faulkner documentary could be made just to flesh out the dimensions of his character. Besides Lizzie and Marci, few cast members are given the screen time or opportunity to do much other than react to Faulkner/Cage’s presence. Because Cage’s performance is so exaggerated, it’s difficult to really get a grip on who anybody else around him is and why they endure his eccentricities. Everyone is tertiary to the degree that they are basically props and set pieces for our protagonist to socially trip over. Talking head segments could have told this story in a much more efficient and endearing way. 

After attempting to boat, hang glide and board a plane with a katana blade he purchased from a home shopping channel, Gary finally makes to the second half of the film. To our dismay, it is set in Pakistan, where Gary believes Osama Bin Laden is hiding. The story circles the drain as Faulkner stumbles around smoking hash with his sword under his arm. Two federal agents (Denis O’Hare and Rainn Wilson) provide clumsy exposition between clearly ad-libbed one-liners. Stories begin to circulate about a mysterious American samurai who is hunting Bin Laden. The lack of dialysis causes Faulkner to become paranoid and he hallucinates meetings with God and sword-fighting Bin Laden before he is apprehended and shipped home. 

At this point, we learn that Gary’s story has gone viral and he winds up being booked on shows like The Late Show with David Letterman, The View and Fox & Friends. There is actual footage of these appearances linked in that last sentence. If you feel like taking a hard pass on this film, these clips should suffice. Some of them are equally as mean-spirited as the Army of One. But at least there isn’t a played-for-laughs imitation of Faulkner pratfalling around the set. 

There is a 51-minute documentary by somebody named Paul Johnson about Gary Faulkner. The artwork on its DVD case indicates it may get a future NOPEvember viewing. A cursory glance at the YouTube comments to most footage of Faulkner is a real sad peek into 2017 America. People will either praise him as some kind of patriotic folk hero or a delusional nutcase. Eccentric and controversial as he is, Faulkner’s story could have been a salvageable narrative in the right hands. It didn’t have to be a meandering and humourless farce with an infamous over-actor chewing the scenery. Maybe this is how he wanted his story told? Maybe Faulkner felt most compelled to let this retelling become his legacy? Maybe Gary Faulkner is far too preoccupied with his self-imposed quest to worry about these details?

The bottom line is, Army of One is not the comedy it claimed to be. It did not handle its subject matter in a compelling way. There were few-to-little laughs. There weren’t really any performances that didn’t seem like candid reactions to Cage’s presence. And the whole thing just felt like an exploitative way to create a red state Don Quixote. NOPE!

Rating: One misguided katana swing out of five. (1/5)