oldsoulobjective

[oldsoulobjective]

A Think Piece: What role do you play?

The concept of of your own individuality is a constantly evolving idea. Every person has their own story and perspective that has shaped the way they view the world, whether that be cynical, or optimistic. These views effect how we operate through life, experiences, and conflict. I'm a student, and while taking a class called Intercultural and Cross Cultural Conflict, we analyze the concept of self and how they correlates to conflict. While further trying to understand these ideologies and theories, I've realized it can be more than just conflict with others that can become misinterpreted because of peoples individual origins. Additionally, I've found that we often misunderstand ourselves, for the same exact reason. Questioning, and contemplating decisions a past, or future, self made or has yet to make.

Often, peoples concept of self has been influenced by the their families decisions or experiences they've had growing up. For example, growing up I had a lot of friends whose parents were first generation and had immigrated her from another country. This made this more eager to choose career fields that would primarily financially benefit them. Who knows whether they have truly ever felt conflicted about this, my point is a lot of the internal conflict I face comes from the fact the person I'm evolving into, doesn't necessarily align with the expectations I grew up being required to uphold. Referring back to what I've learned in my class, a concept we broke down is role interpretation. What role do people play in their own life? Is it a role they actually want to play?

People are multifaceted beings, I've often found the role I expect myself to play is what everyone else expects me to play. The role people play influences the way we communicate with them, the role your friend plays in your life versus the role your parents, or other authority figures, may play in your life differs greatly. So lately, the question I've been asking myself, is what role do I want to play? Actor often get to become whatever character they need for whatever script they're given, but what script has already been written for us that we can begin to change.

Establishing self hood is one of the most quintessential parts of life. With this think piece, I simply am encouraging others and myself to develop their own self hood outside of the role that's been given to them. Personally, humans play so many roles, we play doctors, students, the therapist friend, teacher. But, what I'm focused on right now is who are you outside of the role you play?

Whatever the answer, use this as a reminder to remain authentic to whoever that is. The internal conflict that is created between who you are on the inside, and who we feel like we have to be in our daily life, is simply a role. A role that is constantly changing and evolving, and doesn't always stay the same, don't let it define you. Let the things you do define you, only if you're proud to do them.

[oldsoulobjective]

A Think Piece on Love

Love? I've recently begun to read All About Love by Bell Hooks, and it's got me thinking not just about love, but what it's supposed to be. At my young, yet old, age of 20, I've begun to question everything I've previously learned. When I first came to college I thought I had found some convulsed version of love. But that's because that was all I knew, this perverted masculine version of love. A plot in a movie, the first glance from a stranger, or that seemingly perfect couple on Instagram. That's not love, but, growing up with a single mom ,and an absentee father, didn't exactly tell me what love was actually supposed to look like, all I had was fantasy.

Now the real problem with that fantasy, wasn't the existence of it but it's perspective. I had watched my mother my whole childhood, date men who she could care for, yet never seemed to care for her, at least in the ways she needed. She would take pride in the fact she could become exactly what they needed, until she realized she didn't want to. Mirroring my mother, I'd come to find that love for me becomes something I have to earn not that I'm given. So to explain, my recent experience with love, romantic love at least, it's quite simple. I became addicted to trying to prove myself, worthy of a place in someone else's life, which is unfair to not only them, but especially me. To make a long story short, because that's not really what this is about, I loved someone more than they ever even thought about me. Now in society, love is such a strong, and heavy, word it no longer carries the same positive connotation it used to, and I think it's because heartbreak in the 21st century it's hard to truly know what love is, but boy did I think I had it figured out. As to be assumed, it didn't work out, for many reasons, the biggest one being he simply just didn't like me. But, in my own ethnocentric way, it took me so long to fathom why that was.

If I loved, and intensently desired this person so much, why didn't it work out? I know, I'm crazy, but there was this voice in the back of me head, telling me this was my one and only shot at true love, and if I couldn't make him love me, no one ever would, or I wouldn't ever want anyone to be in love again. It was the manifestation of the endless extentil pressure I put on myself, that I couldn't even live up to. The pain of love felt meaningless, and once this voice had become silent, I'd realized that love can't be controlled, more importantly something that can't be rushed. I've always been a quick person, rather impulsive or unmoving, and I found myself impulsively choosing to try and force someone to show up for me.

I found myself having a conflict with two different people, none of them being the person of my interest. Instead, there was one person inside of my telling me to fight to let go, and another telling me something would give. However, the person who was fighting to let go, the person writing this now, and the same person who's decided to look in the mirror. Unbottling all these emotions I had for fear of upsetting other people, or being honest with myself, dismissed a lot of emotions that would've helped me process this, and take myself out of that cycle. Most of all though, I've dismissed a lot of people who I thought were going to break my heart again.

I'm learning to let that go though, this idea what I think love should be, and instead trying to fulfill, and understand, whatever love means to me. I don't have it totally figured out yet, in any capacity. Love for me is unknown, unexplored, but I there's an urge to dive into the vastness of love, to experience all it's quirks and kinks, and work every single one of them out. The impossible, truly, the perfection and longing I feel are only kinks I need to workout within myself, and I've come to discover, I'm the only person I want to save me. I'm challenging the narrative I've given love, and that it has to be picture perfect. I'm rather interested in diving into an ocean of raw and honest truth of love that baptises, and saves me. I'm more interested in the realistic outlook on love that offers me honesty, and not the fantasy that's stuck in my head, however hard that may be to face.