olexiak

[olexiak]

I don’t think I can have a partner who’s occasionally emotionally disengaged and unavailable to me. unless something actually happens to warrant it. like even once a month feels like it would really suck. just complete detachment, no cuddling or cute reminders. what if I’m having a rough time? can she even be there for me or am I just on my own?

is that a me problem? I’m not sure

[olexiak]

vaping comes with the want to lose control. no pressure to you baby but I do think you want to feel like you’re in control over the next few weeks

[olexiak]

I feel like I’m the only one who sits up late, intently journaling and googling my thoughts about our relationship. trying to fix it

[olexiak]

I would like a partner to help me try and help me feel better when I’m upset. is that unfair? I genuinely don’t know

[olexiak]

it’s basically a toss up of having someone who supports me unconditionally and un-judgmentally but also doesn’t communicate the same way as me and doesn’t understand my emotions.

[olexiak]

I had a very explicit dream that K thought it was okay to fuck in the middle of a hallway at some institution like university. she initiated this and was just fingering me from behind. I remember it felt quite good but I couldn’t get over how many people were looking and how illegal that probably was. she had an attitude like “this is fine, people do it all the time” lol

[olexiak]

I had a dream I was going to break up with K. it was because i found this other girl to be attractive but I didn’t even have a crush on her or anything. it felt like I needed to break up with and then start pursuing this other woman immediately, like the next day.

everything felt so icky and bad. I didn’t go through with it obviously

[olexiak]

I want you to want to know me

[olexiak]

I’m not sure I can be in a relationship with someone who consistently withdraws. I need someone who would reach out

[olexiak]

August 18, my new and improved life without nic

[olexiak]

the get naked and go drink just knocked me on my ass. why am I drunk at 6:30 after two drinks in my cup

[olexiak]

I feel like I’m on the verge of having a panic attack or I might even be having one right now cuz I wanted to vape so bad??? and now I’m doing it. this feels like a powerful full-circle moment and it feels like the last time I will touch nicotine for a very long time. I don’t want to be this person chasing that stupid 10 second high. it’s not worth it. I’ll tell you right now. I don’t really believe in rock bottom but this feels like it. it will be easy to step away and quit compared to what you’ve been through in the past. because this feels really really bad and I don’t want to keep doing it.

[olexiak]

when you decide to stop eating junk/processed food and then your coworker offers you your favourite cupcakes for his birthday 😭

[olexiak]

the Mormon children are out in the quad dancing to crazy frog. summer is finally here 💜

[olexiak]

I am so in love. K is trying really hard and it’s been meeting me in all the right places. I love that girl

[olexiak]

okay. I had a difficult talk with K, I really emphasized how bad I was struggling and made it pretty clear that I thought about breaking up and it s not anyone’s fault but we might just be too different. she seems to have really taken it to heart and these past few days have been totally different. she has been so sweet, communicative and amazing. she even facetimed me on lunch at work the other day. which is not necessary but it shows how much she’s trying. we’ll have to see how well it lasts and what our new normal could be, but right now it’s pretty great. we had nice sex this morning and my girl has been so happy and sweet. damn do I love her. it doesn’t change the fact that she’s not great at talking about our problems. she didn’t tell me much of what she was thinking when we had our talk, but she’s obviously taken it to heart and processed in her own way. this MIGHT still work out. i’m trying to be optimistic and also grateful

[olexiak]

she just called to say good morning and she loves me very much and might come visit. after 24 hours of nothing. see that’s how her brain works. nothing is wrong. I really don’t blame her, that’s just how she works. maybe something is wrong with my brain. idk