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oliverreedmasterass · 18 days

Text

Words: 2.4k

Summary: Danny goes to great lengths to ensure that, like the rest of the band, he too can grow facial hair

Warnings: language, the occult, Burt Reynolds, mentions of blood and ghosts

Note: I watched Late Night with the Devil last night and it shows

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Danny’s Apartment - 3:12pm

Danny sat cross-legged on the floor of his Nashville apartment in total darkness, with the exception of a circle of lit candles that surrounded him in a flickering halo. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he muttered incantations under his breath, his voice lower and more serious than its usual register. The flames flared up in one simultaneous roar of energy, and then whooshed out. As the smoke rose to Danny’s nostrils, he took a deep inhale and then blinked his bronze eyes open. He gazed curiously at the figures in front of him, and then smiled.

Retrograde Coffee - 1:04pm (2 hours before)

Danny was already in a sour mood since he had been waiting over 30 minutes for his bandmates to arrive at their local cafe for an informal meeting. They were just under a month away from their next leg of the Starcatcher World Tour, and Josh had insisted they come together to make final preparations. When Danny first took a seat in the corner booth decorated with terrariums and vines, he was looking forward to discussing how they could switch up their setlist, and if Josh had brainstormed any new jumpsuit ideas. However, after nursing down 3 cold brews, he was starting to feel antsy.

Danny was on the brink of leaving when he saw Sam casually fling open the cafe door 47 minutes late, the tinny bell tinkling over his head. Danny could tell that Sam was scanning around for him, but opted to pretend like he hadn’t noticed him, instead focusing his attention on his phone screen. It took Sam a while to come to his side, but after hearing him clear his throat, Danny looked up.

“Nice of you to come,” he greeted Sam.

“Traffic was killer,” Sam explained as he took a seat in the booth opposite Danny. Sam only lived three blocks away, but Danny decided to let it slide. If he had to put money on it, Sam was probably gardening in his backyard with Rosie and had entirely forgotten about the meeting. “Jake and Josh aren’t here yet?” Sam asked, finally removing his oversized sunglasses and perching them on the crown of his head.

“Nope,” Danny said while playing with his three empty cups. Sam pretended to look surprised even though they both knew that the twins would show up whenever they wanted. Sam sighed and moved his fingers through the thick mustache that comfortably sat on his upper lip. Danny gazed at his facial hair with interest. It had become a staple part of Sam’s look over the last year or so, but Danny was still trying to get used to it. He had been around Sam’s baby face for so long that seeing that dark hair above his lip and on his chin almost felt like he had drawn it on himself as a joke.

“I’m gonna order something,” Sam excused himself. “I’ll need a pick-me-up for whatever bullshit Jake and Josh are bringing to the table today.”

And with that, Sam scooted out of the booth and trekked over to the register to pester the barista about the cafe’s non-dairy options. Danny started to mindlessly scroll through Instagram, but was cut short when Jake and Josh clamored into the cafe.

“I did not hit you when I was pulling in,” Jake was arguing loudly with his brother.

“Explain that to the bruise that’s growing on my elbow then,” Josh barked back.

Jake wiped at his face with frustration. “You can’t expect me to slam on my brakes fast enough when you come popping out of nowhere in the middle of my parking spot.”

“So you admit it! You did hit me!”

Jake shouldered Josh away from him and stormed to Danny’s booth.

“Hey,” he gruffly grumbled, throwing himself into the vinyl booth. Josh slid in next to Danny and immediately thrust his elbow in his face.

“Look at that!” Josh pointed at his bruise which was, to his credit, starting to turn purple. “This lunatic flew out of nowhere and bonked into me!”

“You’re fine,” Jake rolled his eyes.

“Right on the funny bone!” Josh continued to complain.

Sam, done annoying the barista, returned back to the table looking content. He gazed around at Danny and his brothers and then squinted at Jake. Jake looked back at him with an arched eyebrow.

“You growing something there?” Sam asked, motioning at Jake’s upper lip. Jake’s tense shoulders eased and he leaned back in his seat, letting out a soft chuckle. Danny hadn’t noticed it before, but Jake was sprouting some brown, wiry hairs on his upper lip.

“I thought I’d give it another try,” Jake admitted. “It’s bound to fully grow in one of these days.”

“Well, you’re guaranteed to have more luck than Daniel no matter what,” Sam joked.

“Hey!” Danny protested. His inability to grow decent facial hair had been a soft spot for him for a while, and Sam knew that was a joke that hurt more than it hit. His face darkened when he was met with laughter, and Josh chimed in.

“I think a single hair on your lip would be more than Danny has grown in his 25 years.”

“Come on,” Danny grumbled into his lap. He had some peach fuzz on his upper lip and chin, but no matter how many times he shaved over it, it never quite amounted to anything. It was like Danny had been cursed by some vengeful spirit, and his bandmates were taking the piss out of him over it.

“It is a shame we can’t all go out there with the same facial hair,” Jake added. “We could have built a brand around it.”

“You're ruining it for all of us, Daniel,” Sam joked.

Danny cleared his throat and motioned for the bathroom. “I gotta go.”

“Are you okay?” Josh suddenly looked concerned. Danny’s hands were balled into fists, but he hid them under the table and nodded his head.

“Peachy.”

Josh opted to say nothing more and slid out from the booth so Danny could power to the back of the cafe. Instead of heading for the men’s room, he made his way into the alleyway behind the restaurant. And then he ran to his apartment.

Danny’s Apartment - 3:13pm

“Thank you for joining me,” Danny smiled warmly at the spirits surrounding him. “I’ve found myself in a bit of a predicament and need your guidance.”

Freddie Mercury, Burt Reynolds, and Clark Gable stared back at Danny with interest.

“Speak your truth,” Freddie encouraged him. Danny took a deep breath.

“The cards I’ve been dealt in this lifetime have unfortunately left me unable to grow any facial hair.”

Burt Reynolds covered his hands over his ghost mouth in shock. Danny gave him a sad nod, like he couldn’t believe it too.

“If there is anything, literally anything, you can do to help me, please, I beg of you. Tips, encouragement, dark magic, I’ll take any of it.”

Clark Gable cleared his throat. “I always found that I could grow a mustache faster after adding vermouth to my drinks.”

Danny considered this, but wasn’t fully satisfied with the answer. There had to be a faster and more certain way to guarantee that he would get hair on his face.

“You need to get the testosterone pumping,” Burt Reynolds shared. “Lift some weights, eat raw meat, shoot something, smoke a cigar on the hour, every hour.”

Sounds like an average day in the life of Oliver Reed, Danny thought with a grimace. The facial hair meant a lot to him, but running the risk of turning into an Oliver Reed wannabe also made his skin crawl. That shit wasn’t worth it. Plus, he really didn’t like the idea of eating raw meat.

“You’re not happy with those answers, are you?” Freddie gazed at Danny. It came as a relief to Danny that he didn’t have to be the one to say it. He shrugged, and Freddie nodded with understanding. “If you were able to conjure us here today, I think you’re more than capable of doing something that will get you nearly immediate results.”

Danny leaned forward. This was what he was looking for.

“Oh brother,” Burt Reynolds groaned out. “Not Freddie going off with the witchcraft again.”

“It’s a passion of mine,” Freddie grew defensive. “It’s interesting, darling. But I understand you’re too busy chewing on Cuban cigars to care.”

“No need to get catty,” Burt Reynolds held up his hands in defense. Freddie returned his attention to Danny.

“It’s not an easy spell to pull off, but if you get it right, you’ll be thanking me a hundred times over.”

“Tell me everything,” Danny locked eyes with him.

Retrograde Coffee - 4:18pm

Jake, Josh, and Sam were all at the cafe, still waiting for Danny to return from the bathroom.

“He must be having some mad diarrhea right now,” Jake commented. Sam checked his watch and pursed his lips together.

“It’s been nearly three hours. Maybe he left.”

“Why would he do that?” Josh asked.

“Beats me,” Sam admitted. “Oh, wait,” Sam perked up. “There's the man of the hour.”

Danny came shuffling back to their booth, cradling a wooden bowl in his hands with care, so as not to spill it.

“Is that soup?” Sam looked intrigued. “I didn’t know this place did soup.”

Danny ignored his friend and took a seat beside Josh, who peeked inside the bowl. He immediately looked troubled when he saw that there was what seemed like a decent amount of blood in the bowl, mixed with some other stuff he didn’t want to get a closer look at. Jake only caught a glimpse of the red and nodded with approval.

“Tomato soup? Good stuff to ease an upset stomach after all the shitting you must have done.”

“Huh?” Danny snapped out of it for a second. Jake opened his mouth to respond, but Danny refocused and held a hand up to stop him. “I need something from all of you.”

“Pepto Bismol?” Jake guessed. Danny pulled a pair of tweezers out of his shorts pocket. Josh immediately scooted farther away from Danny with a nervous squeak, pressing himself against the wall of the cafe. Danny clicked the tweezers together and looked around at the brothers. Jake and Sam were starting to pick up on Josh’s anxiety and stared at Danny with alarm.

“This will be fast and easy, as long as you cooperate,” Danny told them. Jake gulped.

Since Josh was closest to him, even though he was trying to cram himself farther and farther into the wall, Danny leaned towards him, secured the tweezers around a long strand of hair on his chin, and tore it out.

“YEOWCH!” Josh hollered out, slapping a hand to the spot where his hair had been removed.

“Thank you,” Danny spoke as he dropped the hair into his bowl. “See?” he looked across at Jake and Sam. “Not so bad.”

“What the hell is going on?” Sam demanded.

“I’m getting what I want, and what I deserve,” Danny continued to speak in a soothing voice that chilled the rest of the table. “You said it yourself. I’m ruining things for everyone here, so I’m fixing it.”

“What are you talking about?” Jake furrowed his brow.

“Hold still,” Danny told him. Jake tried to duck out of the way, but he wasn’t fast enough for Danny, who leaned across the table, held Jake in place with a firm grip on his shoulder, and pulled one of the few hairs on his upper lip out.

“Now my mustache is gonna be super duper patchy,” Jake whined. Danny dropped his hair into the bowl and then studied Sam. Sam returned the gaze with a look of defeat and held out his hand to Danny.

“Give me the tweezers, I’ll do it myself,” he said.

With his three bandmates’ facial hair in the bowl, Danny used his index finger to swirl the mixture together.

“Deus mystace crescere me,” Danny chanted the words Freddie had taught him as he swirled everything five times clockwise, and then five times counterclockwise. He let out a low humming noise and closed his eyes, raising the bowl towards the industrial ceiling of the cafe.

“People are watching,” he could hear Jake nervously whisper.

“How could you not,” Sam said back quietly.

Danny opened his eyes and brought the bowl back down to the table. He dipped two fingers into the concoction and brought it to his lip.

“Oh, gross,” Josh commented. Jake and Sam made similar disgusted noises as they watched Danny spread the red across his upper lip and below on his chin.

“Deus mystace crescere me,” Danny repeated three more times with power. And then it happened. The mixture of blood, facial hair, and some other stuff Danny wasn’t proud of collecting sucked into his skin, starting its work beneath the surface, just like Freddie said it would.

Danny had gotten what he wanted, so he rose to his feet, gave his bandmates a small smile and a wave. “Well, see you all later.”

And with that, he left the cafe with his head held high.

“What the actual fuck was that?” Josh broke the stunned silence of the table.

Danny’s Apartment - 6:42am

Danny woke at the crack of dawn the next day and immediately knew that something was different. His hand moved up to his face and curiously felt around, stopping right below his nose. He sprung out of bed and stationed himself in front of the bathroom mirror, gaping at his reflection.

Atop his upper lip and on the tip of his chin was the most beautiful facial hair Danny had ever seen.

“Looking good, darling!” Freddie Mercury congratulated him through the mirror. “I knew you could do it!”

“I still think the witchcraft is a step out of bounds,” Burt Reynolds mumbled.

“Wait, where did the blood come from?” Clark Gable looked around in terror.

Danny ignored the spirits and rubbed his fingers across his hair, beaming wide.

#greta van fleet #gvf #daniel wagner #danny wagner #danny gvf #jake kiszka #josh kiszka #sam kiszka #gvf fic #gvf fanfic #gvf fanfiction #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet fanfic #greta van fleet fanfiction #facial hair #sorry this is a weird one #I just needed to write something to get back into the swing of things

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oliverreedmasterass · 2 months

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Words: 8k

Synopsis: Based on a hilarious personal anecdote from the incredible @writingcold about seeing something bizarre at a hotel in Green Bay, the GVF guys find themselves caught in a heap of trouble. The problem is, they can't quite work out what they did.

Warnings: language, drinking, drug use, mentions of theft, drowning, and running into traffic

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“Do you know why you’re here, son?” a graying man dressed in a loose-fitting two-piece suit with a strewn purple tie leaned close to the young man who sat across from him at the aged wooden table.

“No clue,” Jake avoided eye contact while wringing his hands together out of sight of the older man. He snuck a quick glance at the man’s golden nametag pinned to his chest. Doug. “I was just minding my business in my room and then somebody dragged me down here. Am I in trouble?”

“Depends on how much you’re willing to share with me today,” Doug stared back at Jake with his piercing blue eyes. “I’m gonna need you to tell me what you were up to last night.”

Jake’s face pinched as he tried to think back. He made a humming noise to stall, and wiped at his mouth - a nervous tick he had never been able to shake.

“My band and I were out getting drinks,” Jake remembered. “At Ned Kelly’s Pub. Someone recommended the place to us since they’re known for their sour beers. It’s something I’ve been getting into a lot more recently.”

It was a perfectly normal evening. Like, genuinely, nothing crazy was going down. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny all squeezed around a tall pub table, leaning over their pints to sip out of the top of the overfilled glasses. Jake wiped his mouth with the back of his hand to clear the foam from his upper lip and craned his neck to look over Josh’s head at the live band. They were playing a Creedence Clearwater Revival song, and it sounded good enough that Jake started to tap his foot to the beat.

“I can’t believe we’re in Green Bay,” Josh called over the music to his friends. Jake took another slurp from his glass and then nodded his head in agreement.

“We had the opportunity to go anywhere in the world, and we settled on Wisconsin.”

“I don’t regret it,” Sam shrugged. “It’s not too far from home and, hey, I’ve always wanted to get my hands on one of those Packers cheese hats.”

Jake gazed at the ridiculous cheese hat that was perched atop Sam’s head and grimaced at how stupid his younger brother looked.

“I’m becoming one with the cheese,” Sam proudly stated.

Jake flicked at Sam’s hat, knocking it just slightly off of his forehead.

“Are you really gonna keep that thing on all night, Sammy?” he asked. He had noticed Sam was earning some strange looks from the other patrons in the bar which gave him serious second-hand embarrassment. Sam let out a loud laugh at Jake’s question and forced the hat back down on his head so it was set in place.

“I know you hate it, Jake. So, yeah.”

Jake faked a scowl, but couldn’t help chuckling into his beer. He took a deep sip and let the taste of the sour beer wash over him. Their Lyft driver had totally been right when she recommended this place. It was by far the best sour beer he had ever had, which was seriously saying something.

Jake took in the bar around him while he worked on his drink. It was classy and pretty packed, which felt just right. He knew he had stepped foot in hundreds of bars like Ned Kelly’s Pub before, but that just made it feel more like home.

When he finished his drink, Jake stepped away from the table and grabbed his glass, motioning back towards the bar that was only getting more crowded. “I’m gonna get a refill. Anyone need anything?”

“Ask if they have peanuts!” Sam shouted with enthusiasm. He enjoyed throwing the peanut shells at Josh and getting them stuck in his curly floof.

“Don’t do that,” Josh firmly told Jake. “It took me two weeks to get them all out of my hair last time. Two weeks!”

Jake looked beyond Josh to Danny, who was mouthing at him to go and get the peanuts. Jake shook his head at his friends and made his way to the bar, where the bartender was finishing up another order for a group of women around his age.

“Just a second,” the bartender held up his finger to Jake, who nodded his head with a smile. While he waited, he bobbed his head along to the live band’s Allman Brothers cover.

“Hey,” a voice said next to Jake. “You look familiar.”

Jake was curious where the conversation would go, so he turned to his left and looked at one of the women who was waiting for her drink. “Do I?” he asked with a cheeky grin. While he usually didn’t like the attention, he sometimes got a kick out of people trying to place his face. The amount of times people had mistaken him for Julien Baker was extraordinary.

“Did we go to high school together?” the woman guessed. Jake had heard that one plenty of times.

“Not unless you grew up in Frankenmuth, Michigan,” Jake replied.

“Really? You don’t sound like you’re from Michigan,” the woman observed. This comment threw Jake off.

“Where would you guess I was from?”

“You’ve got, like, an echo of a British accent. It’s really interesting.”

“What can I get for you?” The bartender’s attention was finally on Jake.

“Fill ‘er up,” Jake motioned down to his glass.

With his glass filled to the brim once more, Jake made a detour over to where the band was playing so he could watch the guitar player. The guy obviously had a lot of experience under his belt, because he was hitting every note in perfect precision. Jake liked to think that he was a pretty talented guitar player, but this guy wasn’t making a single error, and it was blowing his mind.

Once they finished their song, Jake gave them an extra loud whoop in front of the stage. “Bravo!” he added.

“Hey, thanks,” the lead singer grinned at Jake. “Got any requests?”

“Play Cream and I’m never leaving this joint,” Jake beamed wide.

“You better get yourself comfortable then,” the guitarist chuckled before launching into SWLABR. Jake let out a whoop in glee, gave the band a thumbs up, and made his way back to his friends’ table.

“Hey there, social butterfly,” Josh poked fun at Jake.

“I like the vibe of this place,” Jake shrugged. “The band said they would play Cream for me.”

“So what you’re saying is it’s gonna be impossible to get you out of here, right?” Danny stared at Jake.

Jake swigged down more beer, and then nodded in Danny’s direction. “You’re gonna have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming.”

Danny shook his head at Jake with a smile between his pursed lips and Jake stuck his tongue back out at him. He jumped in surprise when he saw the woman from earlier at the side of their table.

“I figured out where I know you from,” she announced, looking proud. Jake arched an eyebrow. “You’re from that rock band!”

“Bingo,” Jake pointed at her. As fun as it was to get misrecognized, there was something gratifying in knowing that they were big enough to get spotted out in public.

“My sister is a huge fan,” the woman continued. “She saw you guys during your last tour and said that your show was literally life changing. She’d die if she knew I was talking to you right now. But, uh, I’m sure you’re used to hearing this, so I’ll keep it brief. I just wanted to bring this over to thank you for making my sister so happy.”

Jake stared at the tall pint that the woman was handing out to him in awe.

“It’s a Copper State Sun Soaked - I overheard you ordering it at the bar,” the woman continued as she slipped the glass into Jake’s hands.

“Thank you,” Jake told her, and he really meant it. The woman waved goodbye to him and made her way across the bar back to her friend group. Jake looked down at the pint in his hands, and set it next to his other glass.

“Water for the rest of the night after this, I promise,” Jake looked around at everyone. “Mark my word.”

“And that’s what I did,” Jake told the older man. “We hung around the bar for about another hour, and then we made our way back to the hotel. I went to my room and crashed almost immediately. Then, when I woke up, I was brought down here.”

“Interesting,” Doug studied Jake. The kid looked like he was being sincere, which threw Doug and his hypothesis in for a loop. He searched Jake’s face for any signs of deceit. “I sent you down here to talk to me because there was vandalism reported in the lobby last night.”

“Really?” Jake’s eyebrows raised. “What happened?”

“Let’s just say that someone tampered with something that’s really important to me and my hotel.”

Jake had no trouble looking Doug in the eyes this time around. “I can promise you, sir, I had nothing to do with it.”

Doug gazed at Jake a few beats longer, and then nodded his head. “You’re free to go.”

“Oh thank god,” Jake heaved out and then rose from his seat.

“But I want you to send in someone else from your party,” Doug continued. Jake frowned at that.

“We have to hit the road soon.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t take long.”

Jake gave a grunt, and left the room in silence. A few minutes later, his twin, Josh, entered into the hotel manager’s office, looking around at the IKEA-inspired decor.

“Love what you’ve done with the place,” Josh greeted Doug. “Fake plants are really in right now.”

“Take a seat,” Doug motioned towards the wooden chair that his brother had just been nervously sitting in. Josh slowly lowered himself into the seat and then folded his hands politely in his lap.

“Is this about the bathrobe I took from the bathroom? Because I thought it was complimentary. If it’s not, I’ll put it back.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Doug shook his head. “It’ll just get charged to your card.”

“Aw man,” Josh pouted.

“I’m trying to fit the pieces of a mystery together, and I need your help. Can you tell me what you did last night?”

Josh gave Doug a look that showed he was surprised by the question, but shrugged. “My pals and I went to this pub right by the river for their tap selection. We wanted to have a celebratory night out before we headed back home to Michigan.”

The night was already exhausting. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny all squeezed around a tall pub table, leaning over their pints to sip out of the top of the overfilled glasses. Josh winced at the taste of the sour beer and nudged the drink away from him. The rest of his friends were still hard at work, slurping down the beer with content. Josh folded his hands in front of him and thought about their weekend away from home. Their trip to Green Bay had started on a whim, inspired by a side comment from Sam about how they had never really spent any quality time in Wisconsin. Paired with Danny’s recent That 70s Show obsession, it only seemed right that they would squeeze into the Jeep Truck and hit the road west.

In their 72 hours they had enjoyed some hikes, visited a cool botanical garden, and, of course, hit up as many bars as they could. Josh wasn’t sure what he thought about Ned Kelly’s Pub. Although the massive chandelier made out of glass bottles was pretty impressive, Josh didn’t feel like it outshined the other places they had visited. However, looking around at his friends’ faces, he could tell that they were all enchanted by the bar. They were gonna be there for a while.

After trading some jokes about Sam’s goofy cheese hat that he had picked up at the National Railroad Museum gift shop earlier in the day, Josh noticed that Jake’s big glass was already empty. The guy must have enjoyed that sour beer a whole lot more than he had.

“Pace yourself, tiger,” Josh found himself telling Jake without thinking. Jake had promised that he would drive a leg of their trip back to Michigan the following day, and there was no way he was getting out of it by pulling the hungover card. He had used that one way too many times.

Josh noted that Jake genuinely looked surprised by his alcohol intake, but his shock seemed to last a millisecond since he bounced over to the bar for a refill without hesitation.

“Do you like this shit?” Josh asked Sam and Danny, pointing an unenthusiastic finger down at his sour beer. He was relieved to see Sam and Danny both shrugging.

“It’s okay, I guess,” Danny sounded indifferent.

“I don’t get what the hype is,” Sam chimed in. “This tastes like soap.” Sam then proceeded to take another long chug.

“Jake seems to like it though,” Danny commented. They all turned to watch the guitarist saunter up to the bar, slam his empty glass down on the counter, and grin at the bartender. The three watched with more interest when they noticed a woman peel away from her group of friends to talk to him. Jake seemed to be torn between getting the bartender’s attention to fill his glass and listening to the woman, but he eventually started conversing with her.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Josh wondered.

Sam snorted. “He’s probably trying to convince her he has a Grammy.”

Josh noted that Jake’s body language was unusually confident as he talked to the stranger. The woman towered over him in her heels, but he seemed at ease as they laughed over something. When he got his drink, he looked like he was coming back to them, but then quickly diverted his path to head to the live band, who was playing Midnight Rambler. Josh couldn’t help but chuckle when he saw Jake move uncomfortably close to the stage, staring at the guitarist with his eyes wide.

“He’s freaking that guy out,” Josh commented under his breath. Sam and Danny paused their side conversation about how Sam could style his cheese hat to watch Jake take slow steps closer and closer to the stage. “He looks like he’s on the brink of taking the guitar away from that guy.”

“He better not,” Danny frowned. “We’re already banned from a handful of bars because of that.”

They all exhaled in relief when the band broke into a Cream song and Jake, in complete euphoria, returned to the table. Josh watched in horror as Jake guzzled his second glass down in less than 10 seconds like it was nothing. He let out a burp, smiled happily, patted his stomach, and then jolted upright when he realized he had cleared his pint.

“How is that surprising to you?” Josh asked Jake. “You’re the one who drank it all, it’s not like it magically disappeared.”

“These are just going a lot faster than I had anticipated, I guess,” Jake looked troubled.

They made a pact after some arguing that Jake would stick to water for the night, but that quickly went down the drain when the woman approached the table, gave Jake a wink, and placed another tall pint of sour beer in front of him. Josh wanted to scream at the lady to give that beer to literally anyone else in the establishment but Jake, but his mouth remained glued shut. He watched in despair as Jake, once more, threw the entire pint back like it was a shot. Frat guys around the world would be in utter awe of what he was doing.

“Water for the rest of the night. I promise,” Jake promised, starting to slur his words. “Mark my word.”

Jake did not stick to his word.

Over the next 45 minutes, Jake managed to sneak three more pints of the Copper State Sun Soaked. Whether it be bribing someone to bring him a glass in the bathroom, sipping one under the table, or lapping up spills behind the bar, Jake’s BAC was guaranteed to be nearing staggering heights.

When Jake decided to tear off his shirt and jump on stage to play the tambourine with the poor live band that was just trying to get through a Bob Seger song, Josh threw in the towel.

“I can’t do this tonight,” Josh admitted to Danny, who looked equally tired of Jake’s antics. “I’m gonna go back to my room and watch some HGTV to unwind.”

“And I left the bar after that,” Josh concluded his story. “I’m pretty sure I heard them get back to their room around 2am last night. They were a bit loud, but they quieted down pretty fast.”

“Your brother said that he stuck to water last night after his third drink,” Doug tapped his chin.

“Well then, he’s a liar,” Josh shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you. But what does Jake’s drinking last night have to do with anything?”

“Nothing you have to worry about,” Doug shook his head. Josh looked like he wanted to protest, but Doug quickly motioned for the door. “Please send your brother, Sam, in. I want to talk to him.”

“Fine, but you better take it easy on him. He’s a sensitive guy, it doesn’t take a whole lot to spook him,” Josh warned Doug. He chuckled at Josh’s warning and, once more, pointed for the door.

“No need to worry, I’ll be nice to the little guy.”

Sam entered the room next, still wearing his cheese hat, which he had styled with a pair of black slacks, a yellow button up shirt, and yellow Adidas.

“What’s up, Doc?” Sam greeted the older gentleman as he peeled a large orange and started to slide the slices into his mouth. Doug motioned for Sam to take a seat at his desk and Sam complied after he took a pause to snap a photo of Doug’s bald head with his fancy camera. “I never thought I’d get to chat with a hotel manager one-on-one like this,” Sam continued to chatter while balancing the orange peels on top of the desk.

“Sam,” Doug cleared his throat. “I want you to take this conversation seriously.”

“Are you mad at me?” Sam theatrically called out, his eyes started to well up. Doug started to stumble on his words, panicking over the fact that the curly haired one had been right about his younger brother.

“No, of course not,” Doug assured Sam, using his sweetest tone. “I just need you to tell me about your time last night at Ned Kelly’s Pub.”

“How did you know I was at Ned Kelly’s Pub last night,” Sam squinted his eyes at Doug.

“Your brothers told me.”

“Oh, well, in that case,” Sam chuckled. He grabbed the desk lamp from Doug’s desk and flicked it on so he could hold it under his chin, creating grisly shadows on his face. “It was a cold and dark night in Green Bay, Wisconsin,” Sam started off in a dramatic tone. Doug took a seat across from him and held his head in his hands. This was going to be a long testimony.

“Since you already know that we were at Ned Kelly’s Pub, I’ll spare you the details about Daniel and I stealing a horse downtown beforehand. You don’t need to hear about that.”

“Wait,” Doug tried to interrupt Sam. “I actually do want to hear about that.”

“I was standing at this tall table with my best friend and my brothers, feeling on top of the world with my cheese hat,” Sam cut off Doug, staring into the distance.

It was a bonkers night. Sam and Daniel kept flashing each other excited grins. They had taken something in the parking lot of the bar to really lean into the That 70s Show fantasy that Daniel was trying to live out. Sam had no idea what they had sent into their systems, but it tasted like cherries and made him feel like he was floating.

He could hear what his brothers and Daniel were saying, but his head wasn’t processing any of it. He felt like he was on autopilot as he gave short answers and laughed when everyone else did. When the conversation shifted to Jake’s drinking, Sam found himself staring daggers at the bartender. He couldn’t help it, the guy looked just like Ben Affleck. In fact, the more Sam stared at him, the more certain he was that the guy really was the A-list actor. Sam had hated his portrayal of Bruce Wayne in Batman Vs. Superman; it was a travesty.

He was ready to storm up to the guy to demand who he thought he was, dating J-Lo and being the moody cigarette “it” boy and all, but Jake beat him to it. Sam watched Jake approach the bartender and let his shoulders slump in defeat. That was a fight to pick later. Plus anyways, Sam had a bigger bone to chew: there was a portal opening on the dancefloor. Sam stared at the streaking lights of blue, yellow, and orange that seemed to be flinging out of the portal in every direction and could tell that his eyes were dilating.

“Woah,” he whispered out in awe. Josh gave him a quick glance but shook his head and went back to blabbing about how Jake was weird for liking the sour beer. Sam was pretty sure he had agreed that it tasted bad, but really he didn’t mind it. His sense of taste was heightened to God-levels, so each sip made him feel like he was consuming the elixir of life.

Sam tried to send Daniel morse code messages by batting his eyelashes, but Daniel just winked back at him. He was disappointed that they hadn’t reached the point where they could telepathically communicate with each other, but he knew it was bound to happen eventually.

“How do bus drivers exit the bus and close the door when they’re the last shift?” Sam wondered aloud. Josh didn’t hear him, but Daniel did and widened his eyes, his mouth hung open.

“Dude,” Daniel mumbled in awe. Sam was too hung up on that philosophical question to notice Jake rejoining their table, cradling another pint. He only turned his attention towards his older brother when he saw Jake unhinge his jaw to suck down all of the beer in one animalistic gulp out of the corner of his eye. Sam paled at the sight and started to run through the possibilities.

Was his brother a lizard person? Was that a normal thing that people could do? Or did he and Daniel take some seriously good shit in the parking lot?

Josh started to yell something at Jake, and Sam cupped his head in his hand, focusing on breathing through his ears. He saw a woman with five arms approach Jake and slip another drink in his hand. All over again, Jake’s jaw unhinged and the drink was gone. He chewed the glass and everything.

Sam couldn’t stay silent on the issue anymore, and tried to blink in morse code to Daniel, “BATHROOM” but Daniel fluttered his eyelashes back at Sam, obviously not getting the message. Sam sighed and jutted his thumb in some general direction.

“It’s piss time for me, the piss boy,” he shouted over the music. Josh and Jake both paused from their arguing to stare at Sam, and then Sam scampered away.

He was grateful that Daniel trailed behind him and leaned into his side when they were out of sight of the twins.

“Jake is a lizard person,” Sam shared. Daniel jumped away from Sam and shook his head in disbelief.

“No way. But he doesn’t like the sunlight that much.”

“Did you see him eat that pint glass?”

“No?”

“You must have been distracted by something else.”

“I saw a guy standing in the corner of the room who claimed he was my great-great-grandfather,” Danny remembered. “Wait, what were we talking about?”

Sam tried to think back on what information he had been so desperate to share with Daniel, but came up short. “I think the bartender is Ben Affleck,” he remembered.

“That guy stunk as Batman,” Daniel clenched his fist.

By the time they made it back to their table, Josh looked beyond fed up. He went on a rant about something, but Sam was too busy trying to spot the light molecules coming off the disco ball over the dancefloor to listen. Jake wandered away a few times and, each time he came back, his face looked brighter and happier, until he was a beaming ray of light. Sam squinted to see him.

“I’m going back to my room,” Josh grumbled, tugging on Sam’s arm to get his attention. Sam made a comment that he thought might make sense, and then focused back on Jake, who had magically appeared on top of the bar and was missing his shirt.

Ben Affleck shouted something towards Sam and Daniel, and his face turned tomato red when Sam gave him a thumbs up. Sam wondered if the thumbs up gesture meant something rude in Wisconsin, and made a vow to keep his thumb to himself.

From 10:30pm to 12:30am, Sam stood in the bathroom, gaping at his reflection in the mirror. He could have sworn that his eyes were starting to droop down his cheeks the longer he stared, and the only way he could put them back in place was if he smiled as hard as he could. It was a daunting task but, after 2 committed hours, he finally decided that droopy eyes were actually kind of cool.

He exited from the bathroom and turned in fifteen full circles looking for Jake and Daniel, but they were nowhere to be seen. Sam wanted to sob at the thought of being left alone, but he quickly reasoned with himself that they trusted him on his own, and had given him a quest to make his way back to the hotel in one piece.

So Sam stepped out of the bar and dawdled around the empty Green Bay streets. At one point he shed his shoes and chucked them into the river for the fish to wear. He plodded through the desolate neighborhoods, whistling classical music to himself that his parents had played for him on Baby Einstein CDs as a child. He was everywhere and nowhere at once. It was beautiful.

He couldn’t say for certain what he had accomplished in those hours, but he vaguely recalled something to do with a helicopter, multiple slices of Kraft singles, and a raccoon who wouldn’t stop screaming.

Around 3am, Sam finally stepped foot into their hotel lobby and was struck with a jarring familiarity at the space.

“This is my home,” Sam realized in delight. “I made it home. My journey is complete.”

“And then I fell asleep until literally 20 minutes ago when Josh dragged me out of my room to come down and see you,” Sam finished his tale. Doug looked at him with a twitching eye.

“You’re telling me you were the one who hijacked the helicopter off the top of the Bellin Building and drove down near the interstate to throw cheese slices at cars?”

“Probably,” Sam shrugged. “I still don’t know where the screaming raccoon came in though.”

“Tell me this,” Doug pinched at the bridge of his nose. “Do you remember seeing anything out of the ordinary when you came into the hotel lobby?”

“I was on drugs,” Sam reminded Doug. “Everything I saw was out of the ordinary.”

“This is no use,” Doug grumbled. “Is your friend gonna be any help to me, or was he out tripping balls all night long too?”

“Daniel has a crystal clear memory, inebriated or not,” Sam proudly shared.

“Send him in then,” Doug asked. Sam shrugged, popped up from his seat, took one more photo of Doug’s bald head, and skipped out of the room.

“This is a nightmare,” Doug groaned before taking a couple aspirin.

Danny wandered into the room, looking around him in a panic. When he saw the hotel manager staring at him, he gulped and forced his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

“Can I help you?” Danny squeaked. Doug’s furrowed brow loosened when he saw how much the poor guy was trembling.

“Your friend told me that you have a pretty good memory,” Doug sounded out his words. “It would be a massive help to me and my report if I could get a detailed look into everything that happened with you and your friends last night.”

Danny looked pale, but he slowly nodded his head.

“What do you need to know?”

“Tell me what happened from the second you entered the bar, to when you made it back to your hotel room.”

“Okay,” Danny whispered.

The night was frankly a mess. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny all squeezed around a tall pub table, leaning over their pints to sip out of the top of the overfilled glasses. Danny was feeling a bit woozy from the LSD he and Sam had taken in the parking lot before entering the bar. It had been Sam’s treat: he wanted Danny to feel like a teen in the 70s as much as he could. Weed probably would have done the trick, but Danny appreciated the gesture.

It was clear that Sam was hallucinating more than Danny, because every glimpse he caught of his friend, Sam looked like he was seeing the world for the first time. Danny, on the other hand, was dealing with a gnarly headache, a rapid heartbeat, and an overall feeling of disorientation. Sure, he kept seeing a guy who kinda looked like him, but dressed in Pilgrim clothing, speaking in a hush about being his ancestor, but that was the only thing that felt out of the ordinary.

He took slow sips of the nasty sour beer that made his stomach groan in even more protest, and listened as Jake and Josh poked fun at Sam’s cheese hat. Danny wanted to stand up for Sam and tell off the twins for not respecting the cheese hat, but he felt so queasy, he didn’t want to risk what would happen when he opened his mouth.

Jake took a long sip from his beer, entirely clearing it of its contents, and Danny was relieved when Josh spoke up.

“Pace yourself, tiger,” Josh warned his brother.

“Oh, geez,” Jake murmured under his breath, staring at his glass in awe. Danny could tell that he was surprised by how fast the beer had gone down; they had hardly been standing at the table for more than five minutes. Danny knew: he could feel every second tick away.

Jake looked conflicted, but eventually opted to take his glass back to the bar for a refill. While he was gone, Josh leaned forward to check and see if Danny and Sam liked the beer at all. Danny let out a burning burp that made him flinch, and then coughed out that it wasn’t great. What really wasn’t great was how his body was reacting to the LSD.

He watched through squinted eyes as Jake chatted with a nice looking woman at the bar, and then meandered over to the live band that was playing the Allman Brothers. Once he got them to play a Cream song, he made his way back to the table, looking proud of himself.

“Hey there, social butterfly,” Josh taunted Jake.

“Fuck you,” Jake growled. "So maybe I like this place."

“So what you’re saying is it’s gonna be impossible to get you out of here, right?” Danny stared at Jake. The last thing he wanted was to be trapped in that bar while he felt like such shit.

“You’re gonna have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming,” Jake chuckled in between drinks.

“Jesus Christ,” Sam gaped at Jake.

“What?” Jake asked, confused once more. Sam, Danny, and Josh all pointed at the tall pint in Jake’s right hand. Jake held it up to his eyeline and paled. It was empty again. “How the hell did I do that?” Jake choked out.

“You drank that thing like it was a watering hole in the middle of the Sahara,” Danny observed. Jake studied his loose black button up top and took in the dark beer stains dotting his chest and collar. His face reddened in embarrassment.

“I’ll tone it down, I promise,” he said. “I know we’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Yeah, and you’re supposed to drive the second leg,” Josh nodded. “I’m not covering for your ass.”

“I’d ask Sam to drive that leg before I asked you,” Jake protested. “You stink at driving.”

“Look who’s talking, Mr. Go-95-On-The-Highway!” Josh exclaimed, waving his hands around in a fury.

“It was late at night, there was hardly anyone on the road!” Jake defended himself.

“Hey, hey,” Danny waved his arms across the table to get the twins to quit bickering. It was really starting to hurt his head. “Let’s not argue over something that isn’t even a problem yet, okay?”

Danny felt like he had gotten the situation under control, until the woman approached their table.

“I figured out where I know you from,” she smiled at Jake, looking proud. Jake arched an eyebrow. “You’re from that rock band!”

“You finally got it,” Jake laughed.

“Here, have this on me," the woman said.

Jake stared at the tall pint that the woman was handing out to him with hungry eyes.

“Oh no,” Danny could hear Josh whisper.

“It’s a Copper State Sun Soaked - I overheard you ordering it at the bar,” the woman continued as she slipped the glass into Jake’s waiting hands.

“Cheers,” Jake told her. The woman waved goodbye to him and made her way across the bar back to her friend group. Jake looked down at the pint in his hands, and then up at his band members.

“Give me that,” Josh motioned at Jake. “Before you do something stupid.”

Jake kept the glass firm in his hands, and tipped it back.

“You’re kidding me,” Danny gaped.

“He did it again,” Sam’s eyes widened.

Jake’s hands shook as he gaped at the third empty glass he had seen in under 20 minutes. “I swear,” he croaked out, “I’m not doing this on purpose.”

“It sure as hell seems like you are,” Josh countered. “You downed that whole thing while making eye contact with me. In fact, it felt really targeted.”

“Water for the rest of the night. I promise,” Jake looked around at everyone. “Mark my word.”

Danny wished they could have just gone back to the hotel at that point, but things never went that smoothly. After having a brief check in with Sam that confirmed Danny’s suspicions that Sam was having the trip of a lifetime, they returned back to their table to find Jake in a much worse state than they had left him.

“He keeps drinking this shit,” Josh grumbled to Danny, motioning at the pile of empty glasses surrounding Jake. “I can’t get him to stop.”

“Can’t stop, won’t stop,” Jake burped out.

“Can stop, should stop,” Josh countered. Jake gave Josh a loud and juicy raspberry, and then tore his shirt over his head.

“No shirt, no service!” the bartender hollered at Jake as he hopped onto the live band’s small makeshift stage and smacked a tambourine against his ass to their Bob Seger song.

“I DON’T NEED SERVICE FROM YEW WANKER!” Jake hollered at the man in between barking laughs. Josh stared at his twin in silence for a few beats, and then shook his head in disappointment.

“I’m not doing this tonight,” Josh spoke in a low grumble. “I’m gonna go back to my room and watch some HGTV to unwind.”

Danny watched him step away from their table, flip off Jake, and silently move out of the bar and down the city street. He desperately wanted to run after Josh, begging for them to leave together, but he remained glued in place. Jake was transforming into Oliver Reed, and that was something you couldn’t leave unsupervised.

“BOB SEGER IS A GENTLEMAN IF I’VE EVER KNOWN ONE!” Oliver Reed hollered from the stage. He took a pause from his incoherent shouting to bash the tambourine a couple of times over the drummer’s head.

“Security!” the guitarist called out in a panic. “Can you get this guy out of here?”

Danny hurried to the stage, climbed up onto the elevated wooden platform, and hoisted Jake over his shoulder. “HOW DARE YEW PUT YER GRIMY HANDS ON ME YEW BIG OLD BUFFOON!” Oliver Reed howled at Danny while trying to scratch him. He got in a few good swipes that slowed Danny down, but he successfully carried his friend out of the bar and was even met with applause as they left.

Once they were a block away from the bar, Danny set Jake down and forced his shirt into his hands.

“Put that back on, dude,” Danny snapped. “It’s, like, 30 degrees outside.”

“ME NIPS KNOW NOTHIN ‘BOUT WEATHER! I’M A MACHINE THAT DOESN’T FEEL COLD, YA TWAT!”

Danny stared at Jake in disbelief. Oliver Reed was being more of a menace than usual.

As if his words weren’t biting enough, Jake leaned forward, kicked Danny in the shin, and then tore in the opposite direction down the street. “I hate my life,” Danny groaned before chasing after Jake.

“RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YEW CAN, YEW CAN’T CATCH ME CUZ’ I’M THE BDE MAN!” Oliver Reed cackled over his shoulder at Danny.

Danny wasn’t happy that Jake was outrunning him by so much, but he could blame that on the LSD. It was challenging to run in a straight line when it felt like the night sky was below Danny’s feet. Talk about bad timing for the hallucinations to kick in.

“Jake! Oliver! Whoever you are!” Danny called after his friend in desperation. “Can you please stop? I’m so tired!”

“NO!” Oliver Reed’s voice echoed off in the distance.

Danny huffed and tried to pick up his pace. Jake was edging closer to the waterfront, and it was making Danny nervous. When Oliver Reed came out, he was often motivated to dive into whatever water was closest by to “seduce the mermaids.” Danny knew for a fact that Oliver Reed didn’t know how to swim (the man sank like a stone), so the stakes were higher than ever.

Thank goodness Jake stopped. Danny would have been more relieved if he hadn’t done it in the middle of six lanes of oncoming traffic.

“I PART THEE, RED SEA!” Oliver Reed held a hand up to the cars that were swerving to avoid him. Danny forced back a scream and put his head down to power towards his friend without being smushed into oblivion by an 18-wheeler. How he made it to Jake unscathed, he had no clue. “THE RED SEA! JUST LIKE YER MUM’S PANTIES LAST NIGHT!” Oliver Reed screeched at a cab that just barely missed him.

“OLIVER!” Danny yelled at the top of his lungs. He was surprised that he actually had his attention. Even though Jake had somehow acquired sunglasses and a fake beard since leaving the bar, making it hard to read his facial expressions, he could still see that Jake was listening to him attentively. “Get out of the road!” Danny continued.

Jake stared at him a bit longer, and then started to sprint away from Danny again.

“SKEEDOOSH!” Oliver Reed called over his shoulder with a barking laugh.

Danny chased Jake nearly everywhere in the city, from the downtown area to the less-populated rural areas just outside of town. It was exhausting work, and Danny kept thinking that Jake was bound to flop over, but he wouldn’t stop. Danny was starting to think that the guy really was a machine, until they made it to the front doors of their hotel.

“Best be getting me to bed,” Oliver Reed announced at the most normal volume Danny had heard all night.

“Good,” Danny gasped for breath.

Entirely unaffected by their extensive aerobics, Jake pushed the front door open and made his way into the lobby.

“Wouldn’t turn down a sip or two of the good shit,” he decided. Danny tried to stop Jake, but he was moving on a mission towards the bar area, even though it was closed. Danny nearly tripped over Jake’s feet when he came to an abrupt halt, looking up at something in awe, as if looking into the face of a deity.

“Would yew look at ‘at,” he breathed out as he took in the lifesize statue of Captain Morgan that was standing tall and proud in the middle of the hotel lobby. “The captain of the seven seas, Mr. Cap’n Morgan. I thought he was only a myth, but there he is. Wild shit.”

“Take a picture, it’ll last you longer,” Danny said, trying to move Jake along. Jake stood firm, staring at Captain Morgan with a newfound interest.

“He’s tellin’ me I’m shit,” Oliver Reed suddenly growled. “That old Oliver Fucking Reed himself is no worthy pirate. Well, I’ll show ‘im. I’ll show that bastard.”

“Jake,” Danny’s voice squeaked in shock as he watched Jake jump at the Captain Morgan statue and tear his left hand away like a rabid animal. The sword that was in the statue’s hand loudly clattered to the floor, and Jake was quick to scoop it up.

“WHO’S THE BEST PIRATE NOW, MORGAN? EH? THE BLOKE WITH ONE HAND AND NO SWORD? I DON’T THINK SO!”

“Jake!” Danny cried out once more as Jake swirled the sword around and jabbed it into the statue’s plaster chest.

“YAR!” Oliver Reed cried in triumph. “VICTORY ONCE MORE FOR THE BRITS! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! OR WHOEVER THE BLOKE IN POWER IS NOW!”

Danny had to plank to the ground with a yelp when Jake chucked Captain Morgan’s left hand as hard as he could across the lobby. They both watched it soar towards the front doors, which automatically opened for the hand and closed when it had fully passed through. Jake attempted to chop with the sword a couple of times as if he was cutting a head of lettuce, and then lit a large cigar to celebrate his victory.

Danny rose back to his feet and, while Oliver Reed was chuckling to himself about what a great swordsman he was, he lurched forward and forced the sword out of Jake’s grasp.

“BOLLOCKS!” Oliver Reed hollered in despair. “I’VE BEEN ROBBED!”

“You’ve been saved,” Danny corrected Jake, holding the sword under Jake’s chin.

“I’ll call it a draw,” Oliver Reed gulped.

“You’re gonna do what I say, okay?” Danny growled at the troublemaker. Jake nodded, wincing at the feeling of the sword up against his jugular. “We’re gonna take a nice walk up to your room, you’re gonna get in bed, and you’re gonna have the best night’s sleep of your life.”

“That sounds bloody nice,” Oliver Reed thought aloud. “Better than a sword through the heart, I reckon.”

So Danny led Jake upstairs to his room, saw that he made it under his covers, and only left when he heard soft snores coming from the bed. Then he went to the shore of Lake Michigan and chucked the sword as far as he could.

Finally feeling content with where things were at, Danny made his way to his own room and immediately passed out under the covers to sleep off the LSD.

“I’m so sorry, Sir,” Danny told Doug with sincerity. “I tried to keep my friend from messing with your statue, but you should see how fast he moves while intoxicated. He’s like a cat.”

“I should have talked to you first,” Doug gazed at Danny in interest. “That would have saved me a hell of a lot of time and a headache.”

“What are you going to do with us?” Danny looked fearful. “I can promise you all of this was a big mixup, we have nothing against Captain Morgan, his brand, or your hotel partnership.”

“Gather your friends. I want to talk to you all.”

Danny looked on the brink of soiling himself, but he left the room and shortly came back with Jake, Josh and Sam. In his time away, Sam had managed to acquire a cheese board to serve as an accessory with the rest of his outfit.

They all crowded into the cramped office and Jake shot Danny a worried glance. Danny wasn’t sure how much Jake knew or remembered, so he opted to keep his eyes glued to the floor. He hated how awful he was at lying when he was stressed; he should have done more to cover for his friend instead of recounting every part of the night in excruciating detail. Jake was bound to never talk to him again. Probably Josh too. Sam would most likely still be his friend because he thought it was funny when Jake got in trouble.

“You’ve probably pieced together why I brought you all in here today,” Doug shared with the group.

“Nope,” Sam shook his head. “I’m still stumped.”

“My Captain Morgan statue was desecrated last night, and it’s come to my attention that one of you is at fault.”

Danny continued to study the floor.

“Captain Morgan?” Jake’s voice trailed off. His face dropped. The previous night was coming back to him fast. He had not stuck to water after his three pints of beer.

“Oh no!” Josh called out. “I liked that guy! Very nice decor. Very aquatic.”

“Captain Morgan,” Doug looked at Jake. Jake stared back at him with wide eyes. “Son, you really need to tone it down with the sour beers.”

“So I’m not the one who’s in trouble?” Sam asked around. When no one responded to him, he gave the room a peace sign and strolled out the door. “Later skaters,” he called over his shoulder.

“I know,” Jake choked. “Sour beers aren’t good for me.”

“They’re just not good, period,” Josh corrected Jake.

“It’s my fault too,” Danny burst out. “I should have stopped Jake.”

“You tried your best,” Doug gave Danny a sympathetic gaze. “You weren’t the one who tore off the hand.”

“But I did dump the sword in the lake.”

“For the welfare of everyone in the vicinity. I can respect that.”

“Wait, Jake had a sword last night?” Josh looked around at everyone. “And I missed it?”

“I’m going to ask that you cover the charge to fix Captain Morgan,” Doug told Jake. “Whether it was your alter ego or not, you were caught on those security cameras doing the dirty work.”

“So you knew it was me all along?” Jake couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Then why did you make us go through all of that interrogating?”

Doug shrugged. “I mostly just wanted to try to understand why someone would destroy something as sacred as my Captain Morgan statue.”

Jake pondered this and eventually nodded, like he understood where Doug was coming from.

“But now I’m also sitting on a lot of information that the Green Bay police department would find valuable about that horse and helicopter theft that went down last night.”

“You know, it’s been so nice meeting you,” Danny nervously chuckled, pushing on Jake and Josh’s backs to steer them out of the room. “Jake will get that check sent to you as soon as you get us the invoice. Whatever the price, we’ve got it covered. Thank you so much for your hospitality, and we’ll make sure to give this place five stars on Yelp.”

Once they were out of the doorframe, Danny looked between the twins.

“Run,” he hissed. “We’re not getting caught for any more of our crimes today.”

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