onclaryshogwarts - Tumblr blog

[onclaryshogwarts]

“If you’re happy, who honestly cares?”

- Hufflepuff

[onclaryshogwarts]

“Sometimes you just gotta chill and vibe alone.”

-Ravenclaw

[onclaryshogwarts]

Slytherin: I don’t get mad easily... I get annoyed easily. MAJOR difference

[onclaryshogwarts]

Animal Control: What the hell were you thinking?!

Gryffindor: Releasing birds at a wedding is romantic

Animal Control: You released ostriches

[onclaryshogwarts]

Slytherin: Do you moan or cuss?

Hufflepuff: Depends on how good the food is but usually both

[onclaryshogwarts]

Slytherin: Idk how people can look at a newborn and say it looks like their parents

Slytherin: Like sis, it looks like a piece of ham

[onclaryshogwarts]

Ravenclaw: If you’re changing your life around, you say 180. Not 360!

Gryffindor: “I did a complete 360” means “I’m back on my bullshit”

[onclaryshogwarts]

Hufflepuff: Why does cooking take like six hours, and eating like three seconds, and washing dishes like seven days and seven nights?

[onclaryshogwarts]

Slytherin: I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money... I’m sorry... But I’ve moved on

[onclaryshogwarts]

Slytherin: absolute myth that us young folk are the ruder generation

Slytherin: I just offered a prehistoric dinosaur my seat and she replied “I have legs you know”

Slytherin: haha you won’t in a minute you old bat

[onclaryshogwarts]

Someone: the worst part about cigarettes is the smell on your fingers

Ravenclaw: Idk, I think lung cancer might be worse

[onclaryshogwarts]

Cop: I pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

Gryffindor: dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge read it out loud

Cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

Judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

[onclaryshogwarts]

Hufflepuff: *googling* What do leg bleeding raccoon bite

Google: elevate and apply pressure

Hufflepuff: *lifting the raccoon* apologize or else

[onclaryshogwarts]

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Slytherin: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where monsters can get it

Therapist: *whispering* jesus, wow

[onclaryshogwarts]

Ravenclaw: *reading aloud* Blue Whales can eat half a million calories in a single mouthful.

Ravenclaw: Me too, you ain’t special

[onclaryshogwarts]

“Does anyone else smile at dogs that walk past them or am I just a weirdo?”

-Hufflepuff

[onclaryshogwarts]

Ravenclaw: *in a chat* I can’t

Ravenclaw: *in an email* I cannot

Ravenclaw: *in an essay of 3k words* I am unable to can