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Christ what a year.

US is turning into Nazi Germany. UK Prime Minister is turning in Chamberlain. Media is still making money off all of it and promoting the right and doesn't care.

Michelle Trachtenberg died age 39, god why? Gene Hackman died in suspicious circumstances along with his wife and dog, how does this even happen? Who's next?

A friend's marriage has collapsed and he tried to kill himself over it. Another friend is unable to live his life due to long covid. Another friend is in hospital with viral encephalitis, his disabled partner is stuck waiting to know how bad this is, he was already in hospital previously but they discharged him because they just didn't notice, fucking hell.

My wife's birthday today, I can't bring myself to tell her about either of these things, it's not fair. It's not fair on her, it's not fair on them, it's not fair on anyone.

Kid still won't stop talking.

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A bad day for me, but worse for my wife.

My bad day began with an argument with my doctor's receptionist, who was frankly deliberately obstructive after their hold system lied to me. I was told there was no need to be rude when I let some of my frustration show. Well, there was no need to lie to me either, but here we are.

But then, the school called and the day began a downhill scream. The school have been pretty over reactive before, sending him home ill over little, so we did not expect him to actually be ill. But my wife left to go and help clean him from a stomach bug, and a short while later I received a call from the school asking me to go to them.

Another stomach bug. Great.

But it was not the bug that got to my wife, but the kids reaction, because he cannot focus, cannot listen, and can only react with giggles to any attempt to try and help him. So he giggled in her face while she screamed at him to stop. A low point, certainly, but one I have been at myself before.

A friend seemed surprised we were not entirely tolerant of him all of the time. Well, everyone has their limits...

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The noise is getting to me, it won't stop, he keeps wailing and wailing and it is draining my life away.

Every night when he wakes up too early, he wails. Every morning when I wake up with him, he wails. When his mum looks after him, he wails. It doesn't end.

'He'll grow out of it' they assure me. They have assured me of this for every fucking problem he's ever had. He still has most of them, but hey, it got me to fuck off out of the fucking doctors office so I guess ONE of us got what they wanted. Just wasn't me.

I broke a jar in anger because of that wailing, not deliberately but puting it down too hard, because I'm stressed all the time I hear it. Even music doesn't entirely drown it out.

And when I ask him to stop, he says "no".

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A better day today, a new routine, a friend with a purpose instead of an obsession, things are looking up a little. Time for some smooth jazz.

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Sun is low and bright this morning. There's a long seafront near here, quite lovely in parts, I wish I could be there walking. Maybe some other time.

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I woke up tired.

I woke up tired because I had a busy day yesterday, in the office, socialising, gaming in the evening, socialising, it happens.

I also woke up tired because at 3:00am, the kid woke up and was ready to start the day. I woke up tired because he'd lost the TV remote and decided to have a tantrum about it instead of finding it. Found it, gave it to him, back to bed. Didn't help.

I woke up tired and the first thing I had to do was put him in the shower to clean him. He doesn't say 'good morning', he greets me with what mess he has made. Good to know I suppose.

I'm tired now and the constant noise is making it worse. He asks me questions and I can't find the will to answer. I want to, but I can't. It isn't fair, on him, on me, on anyone.

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My time off is addictive. I sometimes get days where I can go somewhere alone and be by myself, to eat what I want at the pace I want, to buy things I want, to walk where I want, to be wholly my lonesome self for a few hours.

And it just makes me want it more. It recharges me, but the recharge makes me feel what this all could be if I could have it all the time. Be solitary, be unhindered, unbound, unattached, all the time.

I am not saying I want to be entirely alone in the world, just that I feel, sometimes, the enticing idea of being able to choose solitude when I want it, when I need it. A day to just... be. A time to just... exist.

Time alone is my addiction. When I get a taste, I want more, to gorge myself on it almost. I know in my mind I couldn't live that way all the itme, but in my heart, I could almost wish to try.

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If you asked me if I am sorry I had my son, if you asked me if I regret becoming a parent, my answer is I don't know.

They tell me children are our future but I don't know if I believe them. They tell me we should love our children and I will ask how do we do that. They don't tell us how to cope in the darkest moments, all they do is tell us to get through it.

Get through it to what? To when? To another darkest moment, to another time when he shouts in my face, another time when he gleefully makes another mess for me to clean up without a hint of caring, to another time when we go backwards again and again and never make any progress. I just want things to improve.

'He is getting easier' my wife tells me. Yes, glacially, over time, millimetre by millimetre, we grind our way to a human that doesn't shit itself and doesn't wail and scream and doesn't want constant attention with endless questions.

It's not enough. I will die before we reach the end of this journey if this carries on.

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Truth time

I am worn out, I am so tired, I have no more reserves to tap.

It's not a physical tiredness, it's a mental tiredness, and my son is the cause. He fights me, constantly, over little things, things that should be easy to solve, he will not let them go, and I am so tired of it.

I am rapidly reaching the point where all I want to do is retreat from him, to pretend he's not there, to live my life without him, because he's just so draining, so tiring, endlessly sapping the life from me. Everything I want to do, to accomplish, to create, I have to do in the minutes and hours where he isn't around, and that drains me so much and I hate it and I can't cope with it. I am so tired.

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Here to vent, drink, and listen to synthwave. Here's tonights synthwave: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDFqzVy2nI0