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onefootoneclaw · 1 month ago

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Jan 23

i'll start w top 3 and then we can go from there? i don't wanna overwhelm you bc literally for every single one up until like "owner" i wanna know like.. - what it means for you, like how do you interpret that identity/role? - what does it mean you're looking for and also wanting to give? - how has it shown up for you in the past/how you want it to show up for you in the future?

Jan 31

I’m always going to be a work in progress, can’t wait until that’s not true to be in a relationship. But do need to make sure I’m in a space where if I’m in a relationship I won’t stop pursuing that growth even if it means not spending every second w that person

Feb 5

Not their first serious/queer relationship - I feel like there’s so much you learn about yourself from being in romantic relationships and also first-time relationships rarely last (understandably). I want those first learning stages to have already happened

Someone who’s *down*. And by that I mean specifically like, down to go on a spontaneous outing, or seize the moment and go see a band play a show or something if we’re both interested in it. there’s nothing more that I love as a “treat” than going on an unplanned fun little outing. I also love just being out and about or going to a park or whatever together.

I don’t know exactly how to put this but someone who like..can hold themselves accountable and get themselves to do the things they need to do. Especially when it’s something I’ve brought up as being important to me. But yeah, not leaving me/us in the limbo of “yeah. I’m gonna do that.” but then..never actually doing it, and also not initiating the conversation if their capacity to do that thing has changed. And I mean this for big things like: looking for a job, making friends outside of our mutual social circle.

At no point thinks of me as “perfect.” I hope this doesn’t sound conceited bc it gave me the fucking heebie jeebies both times it happened. But with both of my relationships early-on my exes said they thought I was “perfect.” And I have a complicated relationship with that word/idea anyway (read: I think it’s mostly bullshit and people can completely lose themselves pursuing it when it’s basically impossible to achieve bc it’s inherently subjective). So being called that was deeply unsettling anyway, and made me feel like I couldn’t be flawed or make mistakes. Obviously I knew that wasn’t true, and boy oh boy did I show my flaws and make mistakes lmao, but it was a really intense and unpleasant thing for me to hear, even in passing.

Recognizes the value of therapy and is willing to do that deeper exploration of like “why am I the way that I am? How did my childhood and childhood relationships impact how I relate to people now? What are my patterns?” (<- this list could go on for a *long* time so ima stop here. You get the point).

Feb 9

What am I really focused on right now My main focus rn/especially in the past year when my last relationship ended has been working on really understanding myself, what I want in life in general, what I can naturally and happily bring to a relationship, really recognizing my boundaries and practicing reinforcing them. And I’ve been doing that and overall it’s been going well I’d say like I think I know who I am and I’m more confident in that than I’ve ever been before. And I want to keep working on that and not let anything - really - pull me away from having that be a focus for me going forward (not the only one obviously, but definitely a grounding one). Also, I get that that’s 100% a me-thing I’m primarily responsible for being disciplined and focused and practiced about.

What I’m looking for So I definitely haven’t been actively looking for anything serious but I’ve also been open to it in the back of my mind like - if something happens I’m not gonna close myself off to it but I’m not going to really pursue something either. I’ve always known that if something did start happening I’d have to communicate in ways that are way more proactive and honest and vulnerable than I have before - and I’ve been putting in the work to do that and know that I’ll continue doing that because regardless it’s always important to practice advocating for myself. Having really in depth discussions about things related to values and long-term-life-goals is super prominent and important now in a way it wasn’t before, and I’d wanna have those discussions before doing anything official. I definitely want to do a slow burn, but also sometimes I worry if I can do that yet. I want to be really deliberate, really thoughtful.

What I’m worried I’m gonna do *TL;DR, repeating old patterns I’ve been working so hard to stop*, especially moving too fast, people-pleasing, and being co-dependent. I think the fact that I’m aware of this shows progress, but I do worry that I could slip into these old habits unintentionally.

- Getting intense fast especially in terms of like “we are now in a relationship” is something I want to not do again - just doesn’t align with what I want anymore. - Also trying really hard to not do that thing where I get attached or whatever really fast and then end up feeling trapped/like I’m trapping you. Also don’t entirely know what to do instead because like..I’m not interested in talking to anyone else? And I don’t want to stop talking to you so..puzzling that one. - I’ve definitely noticed in the past that I kind of..paused the above self-growth work when I was in my past relationships. And I am like..low key terrified that I will fall back into doing this.

BUT ALSO I need to give myself trust that I can recognize when this is happening, and also that the person I would be with would help me see this and course correct if/when it comes up. Tbh to your question about am I usually anxiously attached the answer is definitely “no” with non-romantic relationships but w romantic ones I’m not sure. Also - just this overarching worry of like - am I ready to explore something more serious? How will I know when I am?

Deep breath, reality check I wrote myself this note the other day: “I’m always going to be a work in progress and figuring things out, can’t wait until that’s not true to be open to something serious or else I’ll never feel ready. But do need to make sure I’m in a space where I won’t stop pursuing that growth, and also having difficult conversations.” So yay! I’m definitely being self-aware and not blindly stumbling around or running into things which is good. This also does bring up the question for me of okay, by my own metrics what do I have to have “figured out” in order to feel confident in my ability to be ready for something serious.

Chicken or egg but like..with all this So, a big question that’s come up for me is like, right obviously some of these questions about “will I have changed how I hope I have when I next get into something serious” won’t/can’t be answered until I’m in it yknow? Like, doing hypotheticals in my head will only get me so far. Which raises the question of will I realize I’m ready and then be able to enter into the more serious thing, or will the more serious thing start and then I’ll realize I’m ready?

I warned you I overthink..lmaoooo. However, all this being said the takeaway is p straightforward. Really, more than anything I wanna keep talking to you. Keep getting to know you and seeing how we vibe and feeling more generally relaxed because we both know where we stand and what to expect from ourselves/each other.

__ Other random shit I’m worried about (and mostly borrowing trouble about too like..most of this would not even factor in for a hot minute but since I already told you I thought about how we’d decorate an apartment at least some of these will not surprise you):

1. My family is fairly bougie and very white (they are the poster children for Democrats who love the New York Times) 2. I have a very fun dose of deep-seated-fear-of-abandonment (I don’t super wanna get into it right now but..just know it’s there) 3. What if I end up realize I’m not ready for anything serious? How would I say that (historically I SUCK at doing this. YAY.) - you already answered this however it is..on the list as a worry lmao 4. If we don’t see each other in the next few days when? HOW? 5. My neighbors dog barks :/ would that affect your sleep (yes. This is a serious concern I have thought about a LOT lmaoooo) 6. Am. i. Moving. Way. Too. Fast. (Like..even just in how in depth these worries are lmao)

Feb 28

Family Religion Kayaking Kids/parenting (how were you parented, what would you change) * Money - spending, saving * Thoughts on cheating * Marriage Poly? - ask if she’s curious about it orrrrr Politics Dinosaurs/earth flat drinking/smoking/drug habits

* do you retreat or seek comfort when angry/sad/depressed/anxious * How handle feelings of shame? * what’s your relationship like with your exes

- what’s your credit score - do you wanna live in NJ forever - what types of vacations do you like to take - do you have any weird hobbies - would you ever consider buying a tesla - triangle shirtwaist factory fire: thoughts? - what do you think will happen to Taiwan - what recent celebrity death made you sad and why - what impending celebrity death will make you cry

If things get to the point where it’s untenable to be in TX, good reason to move (independent of her)

If I stay in TX and we keep talking, can spend extended time together (e.g. test waters by staying w her working remotely)

Past relationships before frontal lobe developed. More guarded, holding myself back.

- Self-boundaries around communication - Don’t change schedule for her, will always we able to catch up later - Monitor frequency of talking on the phone (are we constantly talking, or is it more we’ll call each other at the end of the day). - Pay attention to how we travel

Can you know who I can be and still want to be with me - Mmh stayed when I should have left -

April 12

Dill pickle pie

Catfish cupcake

Eggplant eclairs

Do you have any kids w you today

Arrived - talked about movies. Wicked, Moana 2 Waited extra 15 mins for uber so would arrive at 12, ate apple core Dropped bags, sushi. Walked to park Walked to coffee shop, raining. Heard people talking about sports Back to air bnb, relaxed. Nap in big bedroom Ordered pizza Instacart order arrived Moved to smaller bedroom

Went to bagel spot for breakfast Chihuly sculptures Museum of history and industry Couch - props first time Leftover pizza Singing together Fucked me to sleep, then my turn :)

Arepas w tuna for breakfast!! Hung out, cuddled Soju Slap test

Pike place market - nice fruit guy gave us plum samples, fish and fake monk fish, Chinese bao, pastel de nata - SO good, Japanese cute store w cats, spinning top, found out famous singer died in DR night club roof collapse, ring holder/necklace, bookstore, chicken fortune, funny restroom sign, freaky cat musicians, Sea Cut knives Tattoo - don’t stop believing to roar. Dog in bag Back - scratch test. Will burn - I know. Eye contact Dinner - Aerlume. yay loved the shirt! :) black cod/halibut. Carrot cake w pistachio ice cream, espresso martinis. Swapped bites, liked that I gave her part of the whole dish. Let me finish her plate Polaroids Rolling O, best ever. Chatted, lost count, my turn

Packing Arepas w turkey Couldn’t check bag early enough, gave her knife

Warmed hands Gave me lip balm Listened to music and sang

April 12

Okay so here’s my big thoughts, and we can take them one at a time because I know they’re a lot. Worried/nervous about this conversation bc I know if there’s something on here that we’re not aligned w it will probably have a significant impact on how we’ve been interacting so far. But better to have it out in the open and discuss it and give you a chance to make an informed decision than just keep it to myself and then flail around and do something stupid bc my brain narrative overrode being vulnerable and asking questions.

Deep breath. Don’t need to do anything quick or rash. Bc never done a slow burn before I think I’m kind of freaking out lmao

Doesn’t hurt to take time, does hurt to rush. All or nothing. - Don’t skip steps of process

See how I feel after I get the answers.

Some of the things I’m worried about are more internal, others are more practical compatibility things. Be mindful of what I bring up/how. Don’t want to accidentally burden

Worried/sad that I haven’t grown past these idk paranoid thoughts as much? But at least I’m aware of them and acknowledging them and want to chat about them? Yay

This are real and legit concerns but also I need to be mindful of how much I’m letting them consume me and make decisions based on them. Because feeling uncertain and vulnerable about this been trying to use them as reasons to run rather than hunker down and look at them and talk through them together.

For context, I think it’d be good to revisit what I mentioned earlier about my having deep-seated fear of abandonment. It’s something I am working on, and also still need to work on. What I’ve figured out so far is that bc I was an only child to a single mom for a big part of my childhood, she was literally my whole family so whenever she was out of town for work or whatever I’d get really upset. I subconsciously worry about people leaving and whenever a group splits up it also gives me some anxiety. Like when I went to the museum w my friends I looked up and they had continued on to a different room and I had to calm myself down and tell myself even though they weren’t immediately there w me (and hadn’t communicated w me) doesn’t mean that they were gone or had left me. How this shows up socially is interesting bc Im outgoing and I like to meet people and make friends, and I generally feel secure in those relationships. However, when it comes to romantic relationships my first instinct is to dip the second I feel like something incompatible arises. like, leave before they can vibes.

I’m in constant alert for changes that indicate you’re not as into it (dumb I know, but tumblr thing).

Get into a relationship Long distance relationship Long distance dating Stop talking to each other if incompatible Keep dating but nothing official

Worried won’t like my family/friends. They’re really white and most have light eyes - Don’t jump the gun about this

Very calm around her, quieter, feel comfortable sitting in silence - different/new. Been obsessing about if this an indicator of compatibility or incompatibility. Brain feels quiet, not worrying

Worried I can’t be weird around her - me thing

Non-monogamy revisit. What she described - is this just one way or both?

Long term - really don’t want to indefinite LDR long term (> 1 year). Don’t want to move/know consequences of moving for a person/relationship.

Am I overthinking/feel like I don’t deserve it. Definitely feel compatible in a lot of big ways but not that “burn” I have in the past

Still very much internally in the figuring out if I’m ready for something serious.

“Consulting” w friends about this bc I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did last time. Think I am still very conscious/worried about being in a long term relationship and then it not working out but also I need to not borrow trouble and focus on what I control

April 22

https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/morabo-sofa-with-chaise-gunnared-dark-gray-wood-s39575884/#content

May 8

Amanda’s gonna clap

June 24

not as chatty)How much do you wanna be “in the loop” mid spiral? Probably not and then I just tell you after right?

Felt a little strained/distant this week. That happens

Felt insecure about her relative hold and controlled response to her emotions vs. me feeling at their whim. Need to know boundaries of what/how much to share bc don’t want it to become burdensome but will want to share and let you know how it’s going

The fact we don’t have a label is somewhat affecting me too bc idk where the boundary is on an ask like this - specifically an emotionally vulnerable one. As a partner would feel more sure about making the ask bc I know my role in that interaction, but as this idk bc I feel like if I put you in an emotionally vulnerable spot is it still my place to help you through it or no? Is that reserved. Idk..

- We both have different things that we have a hard time asking for but do it anyway bc we know the other person cares about us and we’ll do what we can - Also the timeline/fact I’m about to not be as able to talk for two weeks very soon is STRESSING me out - If I’m feeling unloveable or really stressed tends to show in me feeling unworthy of being in a relationship first

Partly bc my friends rarely come to me w their stuff?

Don’t be w someone who will do for me what I should be doing for myself Outsource “gentleness” and love for myself in those moments Don’t seek external validation for something that I should be getting via self fulfillment

*moments when I’ve felt most reassured are often when I haven’t asked for it When you use the microfiber cloth I gave you When you tell me you feel lucky When you share something random w me When you’ve checked out something I recommend and lmk what you think When you tell me something small with a lot of detail (like about your frozen yogurt)

- Take you up on your “we can overthink together” offer

June 25

Mmh I had only known love as fireworks Bright and loud and overwhelming Bright glow upon my face that quickly fades with a sizzle and snap In an instant All consuming then all gone The evening is over before the moon fully rises

I approach the warm light of your campfire Cautious at first at what I have found what is this? This warm calming thing That lets me sit next to it as close as I want The flames entrancing, the heat soothing Is this what it is? To feel love that burns slow The gradual heat sinking into my unsure bones Knowing it will be there through the night It’s coals keep me warm through the morning

June 27

Being silly Being naked Meeting family Worried I’m going to gross her out - eating food off the floor, showering after 3 days

Don’t want to “depend” on her to do these things I should/want to do

- I will get left/there won’t be communication ahead of time where I have an actual say - Silent treatment during argument - Can’t express anger or frustration - Get scared when routine of communication gets messed up - Right chest, fuzzy head, nonverbal

July 12

You’re a woman with a vision - and I’m a willing participant.

Signature Date

July 13

Wicked chimi Book - Morgan Flea market Elizabeth ___ - grey’s anatomy documentary Play pool Turkey provalone sandwich Uno Full metal alchemist Fredy Orange + puffy cheetoes Look at kitchen fails Leg and foot massage Grilled cheese Toad in the hole Polaroid pics Legos

Bus 190

Bbq crispy sandwich, peach smoothie

Lick ice cream APL Drive in movie Este Canje

#Spotify

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onefootoneclaw · 1 month ago

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onefootoneclaw · 1 month ago

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Apples - fuji Oranges Watermelon Decaf green tea Ginger Cheese - cheddar, gruyere, parm Red peppers cucumber Avocado Lime Onion Garlic broccoli Zucchini Sourdough bread

Soup Carrots Celery Squash Cauliflower Coffee greca Oat milk Tortillas - corn Water Beer Wine

Make bed Shop Move car

Blah

July 16 Pizza

Stop playing w me

Eargsm

The menu/soup

July 18 The Morgan 5 burger

"The voice of everyone in the table behind us is annoying me lmaooo" Alice bday dinner

July 19 Held hair up on the bus

Ben and jerrys Walk around upper west side

Split turkey sandwich Uno - you didn’t say uno right

Look in mirror Riding - you have strap Thirsty? Strong / putting you where I want you

July 20 Soup round 2

July 21 Subway takes

July 22 Going to deli Want to take me to port authority Sure get deli first Went back to eat Do you wanna kiss it out Couch Left for real

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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little bummed bc this confirms this is a me-thing and not a relationship-specific thing

handled it much ebtter this time tho!! no text bombing. something to be proud of.

def need to do this work regardless, don't get an "easy way' out

found it a little concerning that i needed this external push to do it but eh whatever life.

behaviors we may dislike were essential for keeping connection in early years - silent treatment. felt like i couldn't be messy/angry.

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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FUUUUUCK

deep breath, familiar w these feelings. remember it's not about you, it's her saying what she needs and she feels comfortable enough w you to tell you that

giving her space is an act of service

a little concerned/sad that they're still coming up but hey! this is part of the process! move through it!

get book, play guitar, hang w friends

feeling rejected, sad, startled, overwhelmed

don't need to logic my way through it yet, just feel it for now

know we care enough about each other to ask/give what we need

hard bc feels like we've both been operating at <70%, hard when both cups feels emptier than normal. who provides the balance?

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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scared to be in love again bc i know it involves pain at some point? masochist - only want to experience pain i can control?

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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i actually do enjoy the process of self-work and the little epiphanies and insights and tools i learn along the way

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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have been working so far on last 1.5 years on communicating, being better about boundaries, and more up front and open about wants and expectations. yay!

now need to do the big other part of this which is the internal work - haven't wanted to do this bc feeling of "i should be punished by someone and if it won't be external then i will do it" is guarding the door to other emotional things. been too scared of trying to make my internal a source of epace bc i know there's a lot of hurt and pain i will need to process first before i get there

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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How to ask for reassurance in those moments in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m asking you to “prove” anything, especially if we’re in the middle of/going to have a big talk (e.g. about marriage) and you’re feeling tired but also I could use a quick check in “hey we’re all cool. I’m just tired/not as chatty/not feeling like sending a pic”

What to do when i need reassurance vía continuous conversation and you’re tired

And I know the last time you didn’t send a pic it had nothing to do w me so I don’t wanna point it out or anything in case that makes it worse but AGH

How much do you wanna be “in the loop” mid spiral? Probably not and then I just tell you after right?

Tell me if you’re having a low energy day/week?

Felt a little strained/distant this week. That happens

Scared of driving you away when I get like this so I clam up instead

Should talk about the patterns I notice

Asking for too much to ask for reassurance on a change?

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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Best thing for me was to hurt someone I love Kind of hate myself for it and feel like I should be “punished” for it but haven’t been/don’t know what would feel “sufficient”

The idea of getting married doesn’t excite me - it makes me feel anxious because it’s a big failing that I’ve already had. I can’t separate the idea of getting married from my past experience with it yet. I know you know this, and that you’re down to wait for me to come to an understanding of that journey.

My urge to run when I think things aren’t going well can be really overwhelming. I get so sensitive to any change in pattern (didn’t say good morning, didn’t send a pic, didn’t say goodnight in the normal way) and I’m doing my best to keep my head above water in those moments and not let the thoughts all me under. I think because we’ve made such a strong foundation they don’t have the grip they typically do and I’ve gone through the past two days relatively okay - also it looks like the internal work I’ve been doing has paid off too - yay. But, this is something that I struggle and I imagine will continue to struggle with. It’s my biggest self-destructive tendency, and I’ve told you this before. To be clear, you haven’t given me any reason to doubt, and I want to keep working through this, but it is something you should know I struggle with deeply, and sometimes could use reassurance around - though not as a solution. In the past I sought reassurance as a solution and that absolutely didn’t work. You’re very important to me and I care about you a lot, and also if this isn’t what you were looking for I understand and I’ll lay down this offer gently for you to consider. I’m messier in almost every way and I think the fact that you haven’t gotten to see that as much makes me anxious - and I don’t think it’s something I can really do anything about because part of it is just my walls coming down from being together in person for long enough.

I can be impulsive - though I think you already know this, it kind of goes hand in hand with being impatient. I thought about flying to see you so many times tonight. People say finding someone you can sit in comfortable silence with is important and I’ve found that with you and to be honest I don’t entirely know what to do with it yet. It feels so different - it feels so calm. I’m worried about some of my old patterns about being fine if we’re together or actively talking, but when I’m alone my brain spirals, are repeating themselves. But again, at least I’m aware of them now and don’t unintentionally accept them as truth at face value. The idea of being in a kind of limbo space while I figure out how I feel about marriage isn’t ideal - and I worry it means I won’t be able to fully relax.

How much do you wanna be “in the loop” mid spiral? Probably not and then I just tell you after right?

Disappointed or failed someone I care about Last time proposed bc I knew she wanted it, we’d been together for 5/6 years at that point and I wanted to make her happy Hadn’t really thought about what marriage meant to me, figured we’d get married but basically continue on as we had Obviously, all of this did not work out and we had some conversations too late

Big part of this I realize in hindsight is bc I didn’t trust her w certain things that I brushed off but that turns out were super important. Always told myself that once I saw her “do” certain things then everything would be aligned and enough was aligned in the meantime and I loved her so it was fine. These things never happened, our lives got too intertwined so even when they did I discounted them bc they were happening “through” me - biggest ones were have her own friends, have and hold a job

Scared of being back in this spot where someone I care about is waiting to see how I feel about this huge thing.

Have mild idk..we’ll have negative emotional response to being in this space

Care about y oh a lot, don’t want to let you down. Just at the start of whatever this is. Don’t know how I’ll relax going forward feeling like this is hanging over us.

Frustrating bc I do and don’t have control over this.

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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reading WAY too into our texts right now. punctuation, emoji use, etc. does not mean anything has changed, just means i'm feeling v sensitive.

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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hate the idea of "waiting" to see where i feel about marriage - that happened once and look where that ended up. but also this is different, the circumstances are different. don't want to let down/disappoint. also definitely worried i'll say the "wrong" thing which will lead to this ending unnecessary just bc i'm kind of jumpy and stressed and nervous right now. we were also *so* close to being official and this feels like a step back which is GAH. AGH. whatever. BUT BUT! also! i'm handling it much better, not completely dumping it on her to help me sort through. YAY! go back and forth between which pool to jump into. don't need to jump into either, remember to take small steps where i can. wondering if this is a me thing or a compatibility thing or what. definitely showing signs of that silly playfulness that i need. so far everything that i've worried about has been a lot less "bad" so keeping that in mind when having worries about meeting the people in each other's lives. uGH. i hate uncertainty. i hate not being close together. i feel CRAZY right now and i'm trying to not do anything rash with those feelings. hate to feel like i've disappointed or failed someone i care about and i would be inherently doing that if i figure out at the end of this that marriage isn't for me. but also in the end being honest is the most important things - she needs honesty from me to make an informed decision for herself.

also like. i think worried about always feeling a pressure during the limbo space and not being able to truly relax as long as i know this potential knowledge is hanging over us. something to talk about if we decide to make it official because i don't want the genuineness of it to get corrupted.

pros

Has long term friends Genuine, caring, honest, trustworthy, funny, empathetic, reliable, compassionate, resilient/adaptable Strong/assertive/direct in a kind gentle way Not constantly indecisive, esp about little things

Not self deprecating in a draining way Not mentally exhausting Doesn’t feel gross eg spit, snot, etc, either direction Reassures me after I feel bad for letting them down Doesn’t care about peeing in the shower/flossing in the car/picking up worms Feels similarly about AI and algorithms and smart devices Clarifies after a miscommunication - says when they think I’ve misunderstood something and clarifies from there Can clearly and compassionately set and reinforce boundaries Not averse to therapy - recognizes its value Frugal w everyday things, loves a deal No addiction/substance abuse issues Similar eating habits Does/maintains independent activities and interests Socially aware Playfully mean Emotionally intuitive and inquisitive Job Vaccinated Believes in dinosaurs Has follow through/accountable to the things they say they’ll do Makes it a safe place for me to practice the things I’m working on Has a good wholistic sense of self - who they are. What they like, what they want Not her first queer relationship Does not try to placate eg patriarchy/racism Witty banter Appreciates food and cooking Can speak to how their childhood/childhood relationships impacted who/how they are now Lets me be protective/chivalrous in a way to show I respect and care about them. Spontaneous treats/outings Accountable/responsible - won’t have to reassure them through their mistakes Defends me/lets me protect her Possessive in a good way Wants to dance together when we’re out Financial and social independence Long term financial outlook - retire? Saving? Debt? Buy a home? Where live (city, country, suburb)? Credit score? At no point thinks of me as “perfect” Clear communicator - answers all of my tangents Open to not getting married/have kids Self aware - esp around race and privilege Quality time and touch. Acts of service and gifts Open to clubbing hookups? Outdoorsy Can feel 100% honest sharing my thoughts/feelings about what they’ve said/done - this is a ME thing

TBD:

Can be silly, weird, and goofy w them Doesn’t get easily grossed out Excited to introduce to friends/family

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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Cant let fear of eventual loss override finding joy and happiness in the present. Didn’t let fear get in the way of honesty I know I will eventually lose the people I love, it’s an ache I’ve carried with me acutely. Eventual impending loss should not impede me from living how I want, loving how I want. Was scared wasn’t goofy or silly enough for me, just needed to be patient. Showing that she is on her own time. Also we’ve spent a total of like 10 days in person together.

Been looking for reasons bc I’m scared to lose you for something outside of my control.

Scared of being back in this spot where someone I care about is waiting to see how I feel about this huge thing.

Have mild idk..we’ll have negative emotional response to being in this space

Care about y oh a lot, don’t want to let you down. Just at the start of whatever this is. Don’t know how I’ll relax going forward feeling like this is hanging over us.

Frustrating bc I do and don’t have control over this.

Anything about the way I shared what I was thinking that you’d want me to do differently? Ever felt like you had to “defend” yourself?

Thank you for sharing what you did about your thought process around why you’re feeling calm now

How doing now overall?

Sometimes refuting it is enough, other times I need an alternative explanation

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onefootoneclaw · 2 months ago

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La greca ✅ Drawer liners✅ Vanilla extract✅ Cinnamon sticks✅ Sharp cheddar ✅ La llave ✅ Anti bacterial soap ✅ Filtered water - Oat milk - Seltzer - Gum - Light brown sugar - Presidente/corona - Lindt - Snacks for Uchi - veggie tray??? - Turkey - Limes - Apples - out of the fridge - Clementines - out of the fridge - Pineapple - Grapes - Ground meat - Swiffer stuff - Compost bags **wrapping paper and card Flavored sparkling water - fridge. Spindrifts or waterloo. Peach, watermelon, blackberry, strawberry, tropical fruit like pineapple, guava, passion fruit ✅

1 pound of large shrimp (raw, peeled & deveined, tail off) -

1 yellow onion

Garlic

Celery

1 yellow bell pepper

2 medium carrots

cilantro

15-20oz Butternut squash (auyama if possible) -

Oregano leaves -

Cumin✅

Paprika✅

Basmati rice ✅

Don’t like berries in general for a snack. Allergic to kiwis

Car seats ✅ Fridge/freezer ✅ Dust - kitchen hood vent ✅ Clean toothbrush mug ✅ Cut nails ✅ Dust shoe thing ✅

Wednesday: Laundry ✅ Compost bowl, clean ✅ Take out recycling ✅ Sharpen knives ✅

Thursday: Grocery shop ✅ Swiffer and sweep ✅

Friday: TJ Maxx - returns and wrapping paper/card✅ JC Penny - date night shirt ✅ Car gas✅ Wrap present ✅ Wipe down sink, counters, and mirror✅ Car trash✅ Shower✅ Shower drain✅ Clean placemats ✅

Saturday Check shirt ✅ Take out trash - check freezer and bedroom ✅ Take out compost ✅ Car wash ✅

May 24

Zilker Pinthouse - wrong turns lol

May 25

Mueller farmers market Amanda HEB Uchi

May 26

Cooked - asopao de camarones Ordered drunken noodles Cheese roll “Breathe”

May 27

morning romp

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onefootoneclaw · 4 months ago

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my biggest flags

if i perceive a change in interest i will 1. read it as disinterest 2. pull away first as a self-preservation tactic - YAY abandonment issues!

very hard for me to bring up said perceived change in interest - YAY conflict avoidance issues!

sometimes if i sense above things i will act in ways that i think will make me seem undesirable in hopes you pull away first and i don't have to do it - fucked up, huh?

good at acting like everything is fine so when i bring something up it seems "out of the blue"

kind of try to avoid this by doing #3 which..isn't great

loyal, honest, protective. if my attachment is based on a sense of loyalty and not something else what does that mean

sometimes enter a ping pong stage in my brain of like "oh i really like this person all those other thoughts are just anxiety or something" and "oh idk if i like this person i should pull back so they don't feel like i'm leading them on or whatever"

am worried i can't be properly weird like i need to be when i'm comfortable. i gotta be with someone i can pick up words around. i gotta.

also feel like so far i've been on my "best behavior" in our interactions and how i've presented myself. what about when i go three days without showering. or leave random wrappers around. uGH. this is another challenge w distance, don't see each other in our "natural" environments much

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onefootoneclaw · 4 months ago

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ughhhh why do i always fucking do this where i can feel myself simultaneously pulling away and leaning in. why why why. is it an attachment thing? or impatience? should i be looking for that instant emotional AHHHH moment or is it fleeting and not worth it. scared of my gut still - i think. also i'm not fucking cut out for long distance anything i don't think it's too much pressure on my brain. i'm thinking about this so fucking much just dump it here bro. how comfortable i am with the silence depends a lot on my other external factors - especially when we're talking on video. when it's in person i really liked it. definitely don't feel ready for a relationship, relationship yet. ughhh how much of this is a physical attraction thing more so than anything else? the vibes are there but sometimes it feels like "work" to get them to come out. also know that a lot of this isn't as prominent in person which is why i want to see her again. also don't feel ready yet to go into something that would be for the rest of my life which is what i'd ideally want my next relationship to be. why do i do this thing where i'll be having thoughts about ending something and simultaneously be like "yay let's make plans! let me get you a gift!" i doubt this is particularly unique, i think a lot of times we hold on/look for ways to not let go that's human, right?

Getting intense fast especially in terms of like “we are now in a relationship” is something I want to not do again - just doesn’t align with what I want anymore.

Also trying really hard to not do that thing where I get attached or whatever really fast and then end up feeling trapped/like I’m trapping you. Also don’t entirely know what to do instead because like..I’m not interested in talking to anyone else? And I don’t want to stop talking to you so..puzzling that one.

I’ve definitely noticed in the past that I kind of..paused the above self-growth work when I was in my past relationships. And I am like..low key terrified that I will fall back into doing this.

^worried i'm doing some combination of these things. but also - just TALK TO HER, see what she thinks/wants. completely honest, only thinking about me

not ready for serious relationship rn

curious what she meant by "deeper connection" like towards what end? i'd assumed relationship but maybe i shouldn't have

worried too serious for me - but very real possibility silliness may take longer to show and/or i gotta fucking learn spanish

i've been feeling slightly stressed during our calls, not sure why. probably because of above

don't have "end game" vibes from this rn which is one of the reasons i'm pulling back but also historically i've fucking rushed and look where that got me. godddd.

when i've talked to my friends about her i've included caveats, important to note this. but also i think i'm just...like nervous about myself and my ability to read this because of how it went w my last relationship

feel confident about my ability to recognize when to pull back, don't feel as confident about when to recognize when to lean in

definitely having similar thoughts i did at some points w last relationship of like..get out

but then didn't talk about/through those thoughts

if goal is to not repeat old patterns should have this conversation and then see what she says. but also don't make decisions based on that, more so she can make informed decisions for herself

also maybe i just needed to get all of this out and then i'll feel fine?? AGH

like one thing i added to my list is excited to introduce to friends/family. mostly feel nervous about this. but also is this because of other things

we're very aligned in most big picture things

sometimes nervous that i'm mirroring the judgemental piece, need to be cautious of this

sometimes feel like the banter is strained? but other times it's great UGH IDK

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