onemillionbuttholes

[onemillionbuttholes]

id like to remember from 3/25

before the his cigarettes and mom threat

after my inadvertent ghosting and cruelty

Him: I wish we could have decided together. I thought we'd die slowly and would mutually agree to break up, but you threw in the towel sooner than I thought you would. 

Me: But you thought we were gonna break up eventually??

H: yeah, but I had longer left in me. I wasn't ready yet.

M: I'm sorry, for hurting you like that. But you don't deserve my half assed energy. Once I knew we weren't working, and I felt it was over, it would have felt like lying to continue. I couldn't do that to you. You don't deserve that. 

H: You're right. Thank you for doing the hard part, I wouldn't have been able to. So thank you. You're stronger than I am.

romanticized from memory

[onemillionbuttholes]

he's coping but

honestly what the fuck

the camera. he installed a security camera inside his room. that the filled with all his belongings. so, you want to cohabitat so badly for 3 months, yet you removed your books from my bookshelf? my candles from your bar cart? you want t olive with a pile of shit in the corner for 3 months? this is how he's coping and i dont understand. he took the bedframe and sheets, left my bare mattress and pillows.... you left the coffee but took your espresso cups... you took the casserole dishes?? you're not cooking large dishes for the next 3 months? he really needed a physical separation from everything it seems. which again, fine if thats how you're coping, but wtf, youre only leaving in 3 months?? do hurt people hurt people? i guess who really lied your way through our little talk because you're not hiding your pain as well as you think you are

if we last 3 months in this haunted apt together. this beautiful, bright and warm apt that feels sad and shadowed.

im mad but i'm practicing gratitude. im sad but i'm practicing acceptance. i'm nervous but i'm so significantly less than the past 3 months.

mom: your partner should be your peace.

i could give a fuck about looks and career, hobbies or habits. i want peace and love. can't it just be that simple?

[onemillionbuttholes]

to you (part 1 (part 2 will be to me))

i'm having a hard time getting over the things you've said. the things we've talked about.

I know you were mad, and i know you've tried to take things back that you've said. but its just not the first, or second, or third time you lash out when angry, when upset, when sad.

this, is the easiest it will ever be for us. and this, is already too much for me. marriage, morgages, and children will only complicate every single thing. we have to have a mutual respect and compassionate communication, and we don't.

i can name a thousand things that we do well. its the comfort i always come back to, because i think that's where we've really needed each other and shown up for each other.

the comfort is amazing, this is what is so hard. because you're my guy, you're my day to day. but it's the long term that's gotten fuzzy. it's not as clear as it used to be, and it was never fully clear at all for me. i've always been unsure, unable to give you an all in. and since xmas, it's gotten worse.

but mutual respect. compassion.

i cannot judge you for how you act when you're triggered, but once you start calling me names, it becomes my problem.

its the calling me selfish, and calling me embarrassing, and that you hate how i've changed. i can't get over those. you said those in angry moments only to shrug them off that you did'nt even mean them. i don't want to be with someone who calls names just to hurt me. you cant even fucking stand by what you thought was so embarrassing, you just apologize once i tell you it actually hurt my feelings.

that's normal for you! and when we started dating, i said you can never fight with me how you fight with your family. and i see you trying, i see you struggling to contain yourself sometimes. i don't want it to be this fucking hard. i don't want to be worried to tell you things i want to do bc i don't always know what your reactions gonna be.

but i'm not a selfish person. i love how i've changed. and that's a shitty thing to be embarrassed of your girlfriend. you don't tell me that shit, you tell that to your friends when i'm not around. but you told me that to try and stop me, like your opinion of me is mine to control.

i've said it before, i think we bring out the worst in each other. i think you bring out the worst in me. i am fucking rude to you sometimes, and i don't do that with anyone else. that's unacceptable.

i don't know where we're going now. we're not getting engaged this year bc we're so up and down. but it's been up and down.

you've said i'm too liberal, too left. i'm not sure what you even meant by that, you probably meant progressive? i'm not even convinced anymore we have the same core values.

unwillingness to work on your anger in a way that will FOR SURE impact our kids and our future. i'm literally going to therapy to avoid becoming my dad, and he didnt do half the shit yours did.

I can't get over what the man i love said to me, about me, at me. you hurt me so badly i couldn't get myself back together properly. ive been crying for 3 months and im realizing now ive been grieving. since that last fight, i know i couldn't live with that. I knew i would never forget that. i don't want to build a life with someone who can get that upset over something as simple as a week vacation.

i keep crying bc i fucking love you. i love you! and this isn't working. if we were younger maybe we'd get more time, but we're too old to be playing around. i know what i want and i'm not getting it here.

you deserve someone that's not half in half out. its not me

certainty is subjective, felt by the beholder. what i want is cold, hard proof. action is confirmation, patterns can be tracked.

[onemillionbuttholes]

damn, jennifer

breakthrough in therapy alert

this has become a relationship of comfort, not one where I can grow.

this hits so deep, so well. This is fitting everything ive been feeling. this may be the "reason" ive been looking for. because we're so good when we're just hanging. watchin tv, joking around (when his jokes actually land) going out to eat. dates have been tough before but usually if we stick with topical, every day stuff like work and family, its all good. because that's where we're good; superficially; like on the dermis. and that's exactly why i get triggered on dates! because I want to discuss. with all my friends and family; literally everyone else in my life who is close to me, we discuss. we question and ask and answer and pursue and rephrase and hypothesize about it all! ive never had that dynamic with him, which i think in theory is okay (though, mb not what i need, but pin for later) but this explains why i've been feeling half empty on dates, on vacation, on large quantities of time spent together. i am not being fulfilled by him because my needs to grow and learn are not being met. and that doesn't make him a bad person!!!! like, he is still the man i love, the man that brings so much much comfort. it just makes him not the one to spend my life with.

this has become a relationship of comfort. this makes so much fucking sense. from both of our excruciatingly difficult jobs (one on one care to clients with intensive needs) to our hours of extra curriculars (me; social time, him; gym), when we do get time together at home we just need to relax. we don't have the combined energy to explore or chat or do anything except cuddle and eat; our literal fav activities to do together!!!! how did i not see this. note to future self; if the activities you get along best for are downtime; that's indicative that you need self care. a life partner is not just someone to physically sleep with.

the whole wanting to marry your best friend is maybe an unrealistic goal, but what can my goal be then? i want my life partner to want to grow. to change and learn and have the desire to better themselves and the world around them. not to say theyre acting on all of it all the time, but to have that internal desire of goodness and change. to resist change is to ignore the present, the past and the future.

hes still a good person. in searching for a reason, a why to explain how ive been feeling the past (gulp) 4 years, this is the only thing that has had me sitting comfortably. this is resonating more than anything else ive ever come up with. yes, he's been mean, but that wouldn't explain how im feeling. yes, he can be immature, can't read a room well, smokes too much yada yada yada. all true, all bother me, but again, NONE of this explains that little missing piece in my chest that aches when we're cooking dinner. that aches when we're on a walk. that aches when we're on a date. but this, right now, feels like it fits. he doesn't want to grow or change, and he's told me this much. and he doesn't want that for me. he wants to go out and have fun and explore, but he wants to come home in the evening and continue as per baseline. he's not curious about the world, he's not interested in what else lies in the daily beauty of life. he's not curious. and thats okay!!!! but it's just not what i want in a life partner.

I know its the middle of winter and im working a lot of overnights, and my overthinking has been on overdrive, so i understand why. Funny, half of my overthinking is because im trying to figure out the why of it all. I have a bad habit of intellectualizing the emotions I feel, to neatly file them into categories that logically make sense. But i've been trying to figure out why i feel this certain way for so long now, im starting to think it doesnt matter why. It just matters that it is. I feel this way, full stop

[onemillionbuttholes]

one million buttholes

and you know. no one really asked for this, I myself am not sure this is something i even want to be doing or maintaining. just like, stream of thoughts. I never really got into journaling in a capacity that could be helpful or meaningful, despite actually having the want to do so. and is that a pen to paper thing? is it a pen to hand thing, in the physical sense (if its not a bic .7 easy glide, don't even try it near me) or just a continuity thing of holding myself accountable. maybe all 3. irrelevant now, though. we're trying this.

since reading more books, and writing more with izzy, i've been playing around with the idea of writing more. more so train of though, journaling, but only because that seems more natural, easier to begin with what's already going on in your head. but im also playing w the idea of creative fiction. after the flood when I was helping my mom clean and save stuff from her basement, i stumbled across a lot of my old high school stories and papers. frankly, i did very well. Reminded me of the imaginative way i used to think about things (still think about things?) ive been mulling around the idea in my mind that i'm a romantic, creative person. sounds so cringe, actually vain to write that down. but if I force myself to listen to what great minds have been saying; that cringe is freedom, that cringe is the opposite to happiness, I can allow myself to sit with these grandiose thoughts. I can ask myself if i was that girl who was creative, more romantic and artsy; what would i be doing? would i be creating more? well, probably, easily. and actually, that aligns with the goals i already have for myself anyways. spend less time doom scrolling (rant about social media will be later, surely) and more time stimulating my hands and mind. to quote julia, and whoever said it first i guess; an idle mind is the devils playground. doom scrolling is the easiest solution, but too fucking addictive. and horrible for you in every way; I'm going to compare it to nicotine. (not opiods, everyone loooves to use opiods to example addiction. but they're expensive and very hard to buy pure, and considering the fentanyl crisis; i wouldn't exactly consider them "easy." so; doom scrolling: nicotine. feels great in the moment, you do way more than you mean to when you pick it up, and feel like shit the moment you stop, and for a few hours afterwards, up until you start to miss it. cycle repeats. yes, i am trying to stop vaping! thanks

anyways, back on track. someone once said 'do not destroy the part of you that's cringe, destroy the part that cringes.' that sentence quite frankly changed my life. accepting the cringe things about yourself is to accept things that make you happy despite overwhelming noise that you should feel shame or otherwise different. i would even argue 75% of that noise comes from your own self judgement! not that I should be talking about fandom at work, but you get what i mean. we are the ones holding ourselves ack from true, ecstatic happiness and freedom. i'm in a world right now (2025, canada, educated, financially stable) that uniquely i can do and be whatever i want. and i choose to feel shame about things that make me happy??? girlfriend actually wtf. that is shameful, to not take opportunities others would kill to have.

tdlr; i think i'm going to start writing. i want to start writing. im thinking maybe a rant like this a day, a week? just to get the energy out, stimulate the juices. depends how much i like typing on my phone within the tumblr app or else this is really never going to happen on work days. meh, never say never. and regarding the onemillionbuttholes; it's a url i saved actually 13 years ago, when i was really active on tumblr in high school and thought it was the funniest shit like, ever, and it would be my claim to tumblr fame. i tried this morning to make a new blog for writing purposes, but every url i tried out (nooneasked, actuallynooneasked, uselessrambling) was 1) already taken and 2) im realizing now, super self deprecating! huh. funny that. so, i already had this butthole blog, untouched since 2011. why not use what we already have? if its not broke don't fix it.