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Narcissistic Personality Disorder

When a friend of mine mentioned the symptoms of this disorder, I knew it related to me, but I was not ready to face it. 

I started doing research on NPD today because...why? Oh yes, when I was scrolling down Facebok, one video popped up. It was by someone (Dr. Brown?) who has produced research on vulnerability. In it, she discussed how guilt and shame differed. The word “shame” attracted my attention. I looked up the difference and found that shame was related to how other people perceive oneself. I read on and found a link to a page detailing NPD. 

People with NPD center their consciousness around themselves and their almost sole interest lies in receiving affirmation from others. Thus, they often see others merely as instruments to feed their self-esteem, and can show manipulative behavior to control others.

People with NPD tend to believe themselves to be special and can only be understood by people of special quality or institution. By associating with these “special” people, their self-esteem is fed. They have a great difficulty accepting criticisms from others, and tend to avoid making efforts because they cannot stand being pointed out their weakness.

I believe NPD is manifested in many of my behavior and psyche. Inferiority is much more than a key concept to understand my life than I thought, based on this theory.

When I was in primary school, some peers bullied me. Why? Now I believe it was because I did not have an interest in others. I was only interested in myself, my ability to be affirmed, and my self to be affirmed. I had a difficult time developing a genuine interest in other people. Only later, probably in college, is when I learned what it meant to be interested in other people. The first person I can think of Haenah, but what I recall about her is that she kept telling me I am interesting, and I found her interesting because I was found interesting to her.

In middle school, tough time continued. I still did not have an intest in others. I just so cared about how other kids saw me, especially how other girls saw me. Almost all behavioral code was configurated for this aim: for example, I would try to buy belts that are similar to other cool boys, to hang out with them to get into their peer group, and to have conversations with a girl I liked. I was only nodding and affirming what she was saying and providing useful information according to her needs as opposed to expressing my emotions or telling them what I am because I was only looking for her liking me back and nothing else. 

My attempt to gain her affection failed, while being a ping pong club leader. I totally saw my teammates as nothing but an instrument for team victory. I contantly pressured them to practice in the evenings and on weekends, and always told them they should be better at some skills. I did not respect their own wills. But I always wanted them to think I am amazing at everything, from academics, ping pong and leadership. Yet truthfully, I was not so strong for ping pong. Although I beat some, I wasn’t as amazing as I wished they believed. However, I perheps tried to make myself look away from this fact and only kept the nice-sounding legand of “I can do everything.” In fact, at the Kinki tournament following my individual match defeat, I refused to go to Kinki to support Daichi, who was a better player in my club. All I cared was receiving affirmation from others and ping pong was an instrument for that, so going to Daichi’s match for support would show that I am a loser, and I am not as special as him. I was so jealous of him because he was popular among girls, really good with peers. I wanted to gain a crazy amount of affirmation to maybe win over this jealousy, but I was not able to do that. In fact, I did not make as much effort as I could, for a reason I do not know.

In high school, I always thought I was a special kid and did not want to associate myself with classmates unless they are super smart or strong ping pong players. Cute girls were of course exceptions. What was common among the people I associated with was their affirmation for me. Smart kids would always see me as a rival and I was able to feel like I was beating the special kids, which would make me feel special. I was studying for Kyoto Univ. because I wanted to feel special (or higher). 

At that time my academic identity, or an academic source of my affirmation for self-esteem was English. I studied English super hard becaues I was able to gain self-esteem boost b/c of the affirmation. Then comes the opportunity to study abroad in Australia. I somehow got in (seriously, somehow. I had no particular background but just a passion to really go to australia for free), and met these special people that feed my self-esteem. I was nothing but because of the “study-abroad-high”, I was praised by some local asian kids and I was so happy. I started associating myself with them, along with the super smart Kenta, who later goes to Yale. 

After my return to Japan, these ISS people relaced my smart kids/ping pong athleats. These “special cool kids” have taken over my mind in that I always wanted to be someone, someone that can gain affirmation from them. Thus, I started thinking about studying abroad in Australia.

Although I gave up on this aim, I then found a cool intellectual ALT as a gataway to the ISS “special” kids. I practiced English and sort of looking down on other friends, or anyone, who don’t speak good English, because they aren’t the “special, cool” kids. I only looked for the affirmation from the special kids because that is how my self-esteem is constructed. My self-esteem is a glass with a scar that is constantly losing its wine, and the refill must always be the newly branded, exquisite wine. 

I continued to study for Kyoto univ., and my motivation continued thanks to the presense of peers who always affirmed me by asking me questions. I loved feeling smarter than them every time they asked me these questions. This might be why I like teaching.

Aiko sent me an email (my special friend), which I always open with excitement, which eventually takes me to USHSD program. I applied because I wanted to get closer to the ISS special kids, gain more English skills and find amazing special people I can associate myself with to boost my self-esteem. I did.

I met these super nice kids that are eager to affirm me for my English fluency. They liked me for who I am, because obvisouly I was showing respect to them because they are the “special” kids to me. Behind it is a sense of inferiority that discourages myself from showing who I am. But Hayes definitely helped me open up a little, but I don’t believe I was vulnerable and opened up my inconfidence (well, I was unaware of the lack of confidece at that time). Needless to say, I disrespected the adult shaprons and other Japanese kids for their inferior skills to speak English. I took no criticism from the adults seriouslly, rejcting them as stupid, not smart, “not speciall”=thus not worth listening, people.

Anyhow, next, these USHSD American kids were added to my list of special kids, and I learn about Wesleyan and the possibility of studying at US college. I then associated myself with an ALT more closely because of his background in US diploma. I went to him everyday. I quit ping pong club before this because ping pong ceased to be a “cool” source of my affirmation. I studied really hard because I really really wanted to be closer to the special kids, so that I can be affirmed more. 

I got into wesleyan. I was thrilled but I did not really listen to people who had views that are opposed or unknown to mine. I was simply not interested. I was merely interested in myself mattering. I was only interested in gaining affirmation from others for me, thus I avoided sensitive discussions and tried to show how unique I am on campus. That is perhaps why I wanted to practice ki, practice spiritual writing, everything else. I just wanted to associate myself with the special kids.

“Higher” was what I definitely liked, although the measure is very elementary because it is unidirectional. Smarter was always key until high school, but more spiritual and smart have become my key. However, the most important criteria that I used to evaluate people was how much they endorse my opinion and who I am. Yusaku, for example, often provided me with critical comments on my thoughts, which I believe were intellectually helpful but I refused to accept or even listen to him. I often evaded discussions with him because of my fear of losing self-esteem to the criticism. 

Now I feel that the reason I did not commit to CSS was that I was afraid of losing my self-esteem boost. First I was looking at people like Han-Hsien and Ka Ya as “special” kids, and was trying to associate myself with them, but I gave it up because I was so afraid of all the criticisms and feel so weak in the classrooms. But at the same time, I was also aware that I did not want to always read and write; I wanted to work with peers on extracurricular activities and hang out with them. After all, I did not care too much about really rigorous academic discussions. I didn’t love them because it is so tiring yet did not feel so rewarding. 

After dropping CSS, I was at a loss. I took a philosophy class but I did not commit too much because it wasn’t the “cool, special” thing anymore. I tried to do nuclear program thingy but didn’t do it too much because I wasn’t able to believe in the cause too much. It wasn’t as special as I wished.

I then felt at a loss. I kept hanging out with Kotaro, who was my new special cool kid. He was critical of CSS and academia, while buildling his own philosophy and an interest in Japan, which had a potential for making myself unique in the environment. I kept this bond with him and eventually joined his tutorial course, for which I didn’t really contribute to.

My girlfriend chronicle doesn’t seem to be related to my NPD. Maybe, because I went for a young Japanese girl whose experience and knowledge of US campus life I can win over easily and I have a high possibility of gaining affirmation from her for my mixture of Japaneseness and US life anecdotes, plus having a status of being a senior and have lots of friends. 

I then, reconnected with Takeuchi-sensei, and he was probably pretty special because he understood me, he affirmed my self-esteem because he know what I was associating myself with. His words of compliments were so effective that I was drawn to him. It was definitely helpful to work with him as I was able to build publication portfolio.

I graduated, and went back to Japan because 1) I didn’t believe I was able to gain much affirmation from US society and 2) I wanted to do something about problems facing Japan. I also missed being in a home country, too. 

My whole life has been an temporary seeking of self-esteem feed. 

I am so glad I realized this, because I have definitely harrassed some people I have met along my journey: Jimmy, Marianna, Zoe, Sarasa, Grad students, high school friends, some teachers in high school, my previous boss...

Can I live without seeking for affirmation and association with special people? 

If I can, what are some things I would genuinely want to do?

Were the strong sensations I felt on my visists to schools and children’s institutuions unreal? What were they, why was I intrigued? Why was I fascinated? Why? 

Measurement of specialness was:

Primary school: grades

Middle school: grades and ping pong

early High school: grades& ping pong 

 late High school: ISS, USHSD kids and ALT

college: freeman, CSS, having a girlfriend status, being a thinker of Japan

After: Having a Wesleyan degree. 

When I am writing in English, inner voice tells me, “why the heck are you living in Japan, where your English skills aren’t put in use?”

[oneness913-blog]

1) It was a success making myself get out of house with a laptop and go to a cafe in that I was able to do something, which sparked motivation for going to a social event on meetup.com!

2) Today’s ohanami night walk was gave me a feeling that is kind of familiar with less disgust. It reminded me of an old experience hooking up with a girl I did not really love lol in that after holding some conversations with other participants I felt that I did not care about them and they did not care about me but we all cared about interactions only. Everyone was engaged and not engaged at the same time, thinking that this will end soon. This prospect of the other people just passing makes people so polite, non-confrontational and indifferent.  Many of the people were quite friendly but seemed to firmly carry a sense of muzhoness, that meeting with people at this event will be a “one-night friendship,” that fills the void of their hearts. Some locals seemed to join with a practical cause for language improvement, but foreigners seemed either just travelers trying to meet locals with travel-high, or lonely dwellers that desperately need socializing for survival. I felt this strongly when a guy asked me for LINE ID after a couple of minutes’ conversations, with the most seriousness in tone.

A Japanese white collar man sort of approached me and talked to me in English. He appeared to not notice I was a Japanese but he might have known it, who knows. He kept walking side by side with me and I was not sure what he wanted to I walked silently. He sort of started talking about how his Scottish English teacher had a strong accent and learned to tell people’s homes by their accents in English. It was an awful social awkwardness, that he could have asked me questions straight up to show he wants to hold a conversation, but he maybe did not care, or he just did not know what to do to fulfill his goal? Maybe he did not have a goal. He maybe felt awful about himself because he signed up for this event for practical purpose but did not use courage much and was speaking with an much more promising (probably he felt so) young, Japanese man in Japanese. He sounded like he does not know what he is doing with his life, honestly. 

--> One conclusion drawn from this is that existential question matters, and asking the philosophical question of why matters, at least to me, because I do not want to live life like what he appears to do. It might be too easy to judge him by that little interaction, though. At least I want to really care about what I do and do not want to emphasize the fact that I am working rather than the content that I am working on!!

--> another implication for this experience is the shared loneliness in this country and probably in many other places across the globe. People are so, so, so, lonely and desperately wanting to connect. However, it is so difficult for them to do so for various reasons.

--> Social awkwardness is also another pervasive thing that I saw there. This might be why hook-up and going for sex with alcohol is an easy way to fill otherwise empty, awkward weekend nights.

Vast loneliness and boredom --> Something must be done.

[oneness913-blog]

Japanese schools abroad might be an exciting option, along with JICA volunteer. I would totally enjoy teaching at elementary or junior high school while learning the local language, culture and issues. With 2-3 year contracts, I would be able to hop around the world working in different countries and thinking about what sort of things I would like to do besides teaching.

[oneness913-blog]

Thinking about the meaning or purpose of myself led me to an article on the Being question posed by Heidegger.

心理主義化社会のニヒリズム 

The only way I have found so far of sustaining my life rather happily is to forget this question, or the very reality that I exist and keep asking the question of what for.

Now I think about it, does it make a difference to revise the question and ask, “what is the purpose of humanity”? In answering this question, I could either presuppose that human individuals have identical purposes to exist. Or, I could assume that human individuals share a common purpose and each individual owns their respective roles to achieve that common end.

In (1), human individuals all have certain, specific purposes, or that the do not have purposes.

In (2), Humanity has a shared purpose and I have freedom to choose my role in it, or my role in achieving the shared goal is predetermined by destiny.

To answer these questions, another question, inspired by I, Robot, a science fiction film, might be useful in figuring out how to approach these questions.

The robot Sunny felt it had nothing to do after achieving a purpose it was built for. What if I identify a purpose of life and achieve it?

1) If I have a purpose to fulfill in the future and achieve, what would I do afterwards?

--> This question approaches being Question from the same angle as my initial question. Thus, I would like to turn to 2.

2) If I have already fulfilled a purpose in life, what would I do?

--> This might be a useful question to ask myself because currently I am not able to identify firmly my life’s purpose. It might be the case that I am post-life-purpose-fulfillment period of life, in which case this question is the question I deserve.

If this assumption was true, it matters to identify the purpose I have already achieved in the past. This will help me think about what to do afterwards, although there is currently no firm purpose. A purpose of the past might have been: spiritual ascension?

(a) spiritual ascension

  Before going to USHSD, I had a commitment to ascend. I gather a lot of ideas from spiritual writings online and decided that I wanted to transcend from this earthly world and get to the next level of spirituality, where love, instinct and wisdom flourish. I was working towards this goal by daily meditation, vegetarianism and communication with angels. I was also looking for a career that would help me help humans connect better with earth and nature. At that point, my professional and academic interest were in line with my spiritual, and hence, life’s purposes.

 During the USHSD program, I still upheld my aspiration for spiritual ascension. It was still in 2011, waiting for the December of 2012. I remember trying to study for entrance exam and finding program-related work cumbersome. Probably right after meeting U.S. team, I forgot about the college entrance exam. I was probably still aiming for a spiritual growth as I remember talking about how I started practicing vegetarianism. I speculate that one of the big reasons that I decided to go to the US for college was the acceptance of vegetarianism. Kids seemed also quite articulate of ideals. I was probably attracted to their culture where people put ideals on the front.

I felt so liberated and happy, being recognized for who I was. Every night, I remember thanking the universe for giving me the opportunity to appreciate life with all these inspiring interactions. It felt like I found the much-needed circle for growth, as defined by Collins. I then desired the continuity of the intensity of inspirations and discussions that would develop myself and take me to a higher place. This hope that going to college in the US was so strong that I did not reflect much on what life meant and just went for it.

What follows, for obvious reasons, was a sequence of difficult moments determining my undergraduate major. In college, what I enjoyed was making friends, getting to know them and myself, reading and talking about fictions, going to academic lectures, and simply hanging out with friends.

thinking about my place?

[oneness913-blog]

“Look back upon your life and ask: What up to now have you truly loved, what has raised your soul, what ruled it and at the same time made you happy? Line up these objects of reverence before you, and see how they form a ladder on which you have so far climbed up toward your true self.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

Having a serious conversation about selves with someone I trust

Expressing my ideals in English and being heard

Hiking in Sedona

Traveling in Mexico, hanging out with a lot of girls

Talking about books with like-minded, intellectual friends

Intensely talking with teenagers

Intellectual Aha moments of all sorts. Reading great fictions.

Watching scifi movies

Camping with kids

Speaking Spanish

Meditation

Traveling and thinking

Getting touched by love that people have for each other.

Some of the potential things that people enjoy

-writing

-reading news

[oneness913-blog]

value not evinced by other individuals?

-artistic endeavor?

-consumption of artistic value

-

[oneness913-blog]

Since I ran out of possibilities for boredom, I went back to an instantaneous meditation. Meditation sharpens my instinct in that it gives my internal words power to trust their own judgments. I knew I wanted to reflect through writing, but meditation helped me trust this pre-decision that comes and goes in my mind.

It feels better to write than not write now because it reminds myself that I can write. Being able to write shows I have thoughts, and thoughts cannot be considered thoughts, even by myself, without turning on communicative mode.

Cleaning my room was a kind gesture to myself because now I feel like I own this space, with the sense of knowing what is here and there despite that is not true; I do not know the contents of most of the books in this room. Why don’t I read them? Because I am lazy, probably. But if you do not learn about the world you live in...what else is there to do?

Well, I do not have too much motivation now. I constantly look for a quick stimuli that provoke Adrenalin release (possibly this is wrong).

I feel a little disconnected from the world. I don’t feel like I will enjoy this coming year because I will not meet too many exciting people. At least at the school I learn at I don’t feel I am going to. This feels quite depressing and needs to change, I think. It was a good move to sign up for two meetups next week. Even if I will not be able to change people I meet at school, I can help myself discover other friendships outside. Stick to it.

Is like pursuit of happiness? If so I might be doing it wrong. How would I live in a way that maximizes my happiness? Is it through reading and writing reflectively? Or is it through focusing on discussions?

Some of the things I tried:

Reading and writing alone --> Will not result in maximal happiness 

discussions alone --> will result in feeling nihilistic because it won’t help people be happy

Traveling --> Mexico was fun, China was okay. It still feels shallow and I feel like I am looking for something more than just traveling. Traveling gives me opportunities to see different social structure, language, people, etc, but I will only be someone who visits and gets welcome (or unwelcome) and leave.

Programming --> kind of interesting. It felt like I was building stuff. But It fell through at some point. I could try it again maybe?

Hiking --> Sedona was great, Katano was alright. Maybe I can try again?

Table Tennis--> definitely fun and I would like to continue.

Piano --> I do it once two days and it’s difficult to get better at, but it feels nice when I play music. I wish I could do it with someone though.

Things I have not tried but might be interested in trying out:

novel-writing: definitely cool and I might enjoy it because I like writing these days. Why don’t I try?

book club: Okay start reading and see if I like it to talk about it with Yuka.

Studying seriously: set a goal and be a master of a subject? Maybe? I like reflecting things and revealing things. I do not like superficial conclusions and discussions. What are some of the subjects I would totally enjoy? Anthropology, sociology or philosophy?

Start a business: I actually realized I really enjoy making money. But for what?

[oneness913-blog]

Hmm phonetics?

After some procrastination, I finally started working on my phonetics paper. Just trying to get it done quickly, I was reading through some articles found on the internet, which compared Mandarin and English phonetically. I was actually quite drawn to it for its explanatory power-- t sound is actually different as I have always felt speaking with Mandarin speakers in English and Japanese.

This pleasant feeling led me to revisit the possibility that I might actually natural sciences that have explanatory power for natural phenomena. Psychology might be actually very fun if I find ways to explain certain reality through theories. I should probably be asking a lot more questions in reality and try to answer them by learning theories and try to develop one when there is none with sufficient explanatory power.

[oneness913-blog]

On Kazuo Ishiguro’s class on TV

“I write novels to share emotions with people as we go through the world”

I was so drawn to his lecture and took notes of many of the topics he discussed. For him, writing a fiction was initially a way to preserve his private, imagined Japan. However, he was at the same time exploring emotions that are universal.

He is interested in how we deal with memories, as individuals and societies, and how we face ourselves. To him, what the character thinks might happen or have happened is more important than what might actually have happened. Listening to him changed the way I view fiction writing-- originally I deemed it as much less deep activity whose surface-level details are of utmost importance but this reflective activity serves the author’s means to explore truth that are not factual but imaginary, and it is the true-true that instinct tells it is true.

2-3 sentences that trouble and stimulate the writer into imagining a world that can take place in any setting of time and place, yet is conducive to a great metaphor--one that is set throughout the novel that the reader might realize its existence during post-reading reflection, thinking “the reason I was drawn to this book was because this is a metaphor of one of the most universal and central concerns of me.

I am not sure if I would enjoy writing every single day, but I would love to try writing one, finally. Try to do new years resolution tomorrow, finally!

[oneness913-blog]

Buraku-session 1/15

“Looking down on them” “Don’t use these students in the area as means to your skill-building, but go with the determination to change the way you live” These are two words uttered from the former teacher’s mouth.

My mind was confused on how to respond to this argument. Well, I guess it is true that people should not be treated only as a means to an end, as Kant said. At the same time, does being a teacher, as a profession, necessitate a certain way of living? I also did not like how she imposed her own argument as if it is an universal truth...but to be more reflective, she wasn’t really putting forward an argument but an impression. There was no evidenced argument that comebacks some of the arguments or determinations we expressed in our speeches. It was just a feeling, probably. And that is what makes politics of education so difficult. Experience has power and these emotionally charged experiential stories are set up to be so convincing in the field of education. I don’t like it. I would want people to talk about evidence.

I guess if hidden curriculum theory offers evidence to support her “teacher as a way of life” argument-impression, I should look into it. But without evidence, I neither have to believe nor care what she says.

[oneness913-blog]

gloomy morning

Monday morning after coming back from a very happy, restorative weekend in Tokyo hits me with a wave that deprives motivation. I was so happy to hang out with her this weekend. In retrospect, I constantly felt her care for me. My heart was warm thanks to her care, and appreciation of who I am, enabling myself to be myself. Not much else was important even though I met with other wes friends. What is this gloomy feeling?

Later this day...

Playing ping pong, I forgot myself and concerns. I focused on trying to win this guy. I felt confident after winning. I felt great about my self when the teacher complimented my skills. Very simple fact about myself is that I really like ping pong, and I really like winning. It feels great to win.

In the morning, I should probably do something really fun that I forget myself. So that I can start a day with the sense of hope.

[oneness913-blog]

‘It’s just a bit different but don’t know how” is an important key in self-reflection because it reveals part of you on which you have not reflected yet, says a friend. Almost every time I talk about pursuing career in education with an emphasis on work in Japan and restorative justice, I sense this aforemnetione feeling. Now that I look at it, it seemed to manifest itself as a fear. It is a fear that assumes boredom. When I think about future, I seem to be having difficulty imagining myself being creative in this field.... is this just a lack of confidence or interest? If I am really interested in the field of education, why can I not imagine myself being an innovative thinker and creator? Does this mean that I can imagine myself being creative, innovative and revolutionary in other fields? I feel that a thourough attempt to answer this last question will help me understand the sense of predicted boredom.

History: I do not necessarily imagine myself becoming an innovative thinker in the field of history. I have not even tried to study much in the field, and I only rely on her compliments for my confidence to do well.

Technology: I can sort of imagine myself being creative and innovative. But I have not really learned much about it and do not know.

Political science: I do not imagine being creative or innovative in the field. I have took courses and did not feel like I could create knowledge. And to become a scholar you need to push the boundary of intellectual boundary.

Intellectual history: I can sort of imagine being creative and enjoying learning, but at the same time I am afraid of losing momentum to continue reading and writing all the time. When I was at wes I as sick of reading and writing, and wanted to hang out with people.

It looks like I do not really imagine myself being creative in any field I might be interested in. Is this an issue of confidence or motivation?

So what do I enjoy doing?

[oneness913-blog]

‘It’s just a bit different but don’t know how” is an important key in self-reflection because it reveals part of you on which you have not reflected yet, says a friend. Almost every time I talk about pursuing career in education with an emphasis on work in Japan and restorative justice, I sense this aforemnetione feeling. Now that I look at it, it seemed to manifest itself as a fear. It is a fear that assumes boredom. When I think about future, I seem to be having difficulty imagining myself being creative in this field.... is this just a lack of confidence or interest? If I am really interested in the field of education, why can I not imagine myself being an innovative thinker and creator? Does this mean that I can imagine myself being creative, innovative and revolutionary in other fields? I feel that a thourough attempt to answer this last question will help me understand the sense of predicted boredom. History: Technology: Political science class

[oneness913-blog]

Going back to the original topic for reflection...

Part of my new year’s resolution was to write reflections. One of the pivotal topics to reflect on is to see what makes me feel that I matter to myself.

Is it an enjoyment? Playing piano at night has been an surprisingly rewarding experience. I can forget worries and concerns and face beauty of this world. Music is so beautiful, although I thought it was just an psychological experience of vibration of the air. It might be more than that with my ability to give meaning to those sounds. Enjoying that beauty made me feel like I was something? Or I think I forgot myself. Forgetting myself might mean forgetting my position in society... Is that one way that I make myself count?

[oneness913-blog]

On playing piano...

01/08/2018

Today a thought that has lingered on me for a long while finally materialized: playing piano! The first time I played it was probably when I was a little boy, for somehow there is a still functional keyboard in the house. The second time I seriously tried to practice piano was in my senior year, when an infatuation was turning me into a naive show-off and tried to learn a song or two from James from probably a week. Then here comes the third opportunity. The urge to give piano a third shot came from the combination of Sarasa’s suggestion that my end-of-year reflection (and my thinking habit in general) needs more room for leisure and Kotaro’s kind word that I take people’s suggestions seriously and turn them into reality. In retrospect, the summer camp proved the yet inexplicable power to affect and facilitate social and emotional reality. The fact that I feel a little on top of shit made me reckless enough to not do work tonight and play piano for 2.5 hours.

Interesting was that in the process of trying to reproduce each melody, I analyzed the sequences of musical notes, and doing so changed the way I perceived these sounds. It felt like I dug deeper into the structures of these notes. Their new faces emerged, and feelings (probably joy + complex feelings) followed. Sarasa told me she hears music differently after trying out drums. I would like to continue to uncover this peculiar phenomenon. What is music, anyway?

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New Year Resolution 2018

Thesis:

-Write everyday to reflect

-Learn Spanish

-Try bouldering and piano

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What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

  Writing a grant, managing budget, crowdfunding, giving a serious (normative) gift to Sarasa (last year she was perplexed with a pair of glass sandal), Starting a master’s degree, making a pledge to become a teacher in Japan, Being a camp leader, BBQ on the beach with Sarasa, Volunteering, Spending a full week with the same kids, Paying for tuition, Getting on a train just to get a fresh air, Buying a monthly train pass, Watching the entire episodes of Doctor Who within two weeks. Hanging out with James’ sister. Keeping track of daily expenses (barely). Trying to recruit undergrads to form a squad to make an impact in child welfare. Going to a friend’s funeral.

New places I visited: Totsukawa village in Nara, Chikusa in Hyogo, Child Care home, reformatory, more than 30 different schools, Noto (Ishikawa pref).

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

   My resolution for 2017 was, probably, to write reflections often, and that is exactly one thing I wish I had done more. All anxious feelings for the future is circular in nature and reflecting more through writing would have helped avoid it. I will totally make more new year’s resolutions, and will try harder to keep it. It’s about time to consciously structure life!

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

-More music in life (didn’t know how music could uplift my feeling!)!

- courage and confidence to actually do things that are wanted by me.

-time to sit down and write

-daily planning of how to spend time

-more chats with friends from wes

-going to rando local meetup events

What date(s) from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   -Sep 25 to Oct 1: A week of internship at a local elementary school made me absolutely fall in love with hanging out with 6th graders, and this led me to get elementary school teaching license.

  -Sep 15: Former Cross st. neighbor Matt Burgunder visited Osaka and we talked about deep shit over sake. This day was the day I heard I got a grant. Matt and I opened up and became closer, and that was awesome, fun thing.

  -Nov 10 Xian visited Osaka, and we ate a bunch of foodies and talked lots. I was very, very happy to be able to reconnect with Xian again, a while after graduation. We discovered that Pizza-okonomiyaki was the best thing to eat in Osaka.

   What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   -coordinating a US-Japan youth exchange program to tackle cyberbullying. The challenges included communication with a variety of people and institutions, managing budget, facilitating high school students’ discussions while simultaneous interpreting.

What was the best thing you bought?

  -a beautiful (?) pair of piercing for Sarasa. I feel like a boyfriend now. hahaha. And a work table from IKEA. It was Sarasa’s suggestion (or order) and was totally, absolutely worth the money. I can watch Doctor Who so much more comfortably.

Where did most of your money go?

   drinking and eating out with friends, coffee at cafes, traveling with Sarasa.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

    Traveling to Kanazawa with Sarasa, giving her a (real) present for Christmas/Three year anniversary. This reflection has made me realize I am much more of a romantic (?) or a family guy than I thought. LOL

What song(s) will always remind you of 2016?

       Honestly, no song is attached to 2016.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer?

I am slightly, but very meaningfully, richer. at least money wise, thanks to some of the project incomes. Sarasa says my tummy is becoming like a young child’s and I must hit the gym, and I have registered for a membership but have been lazier than ever. I should reflect on this later. Speaking of happiness, I am definitely happier because I are a little more sure of what I want for my career (teaching). Around this time last year I was debating whether I should fly away and disappear into rural cities in Mexico. Now I am serious thinking about finding a teaching-related career there. Sarasa is going to graduate and come back to Japan soon and that is making me feel so much more hopeful for the future. I probably got a little more used to long-distance. I have never recommended it to anyone though.

Having met a lot of young people and remembering each kid as a whole set of personality and face makes me feel like I exist in this world. The idea of educating to change the world is nothing compared to three or four real persons speaking to you in your head whenever you try to recall. Working with them has boosted my self-efficacy as well.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Exercise!!!! I should have done more bouldering. I get shy going to gyms in general for an unknown reason but I’ll break out of the shell. Reading more books with some directions of learning would have made this year much richer in general. Both fiction and nonfiction. And going to bed early. I am definitely aging and feel exhausted after doing nothing until late at night.

On a side note, I wish I had double checked schedules before booking flights.

Plus, I wish I had studied Spanish. Maybe I’ll make that my New Year’s resolution.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

   Thinking (or talking to myself) without writing down. I wasted a lot of time lamenting the sad reality and status quo of people or norms I encountered on a daily basis, obviously in vain.

    If I write down thoughts and stay objective about them, I would have developed real plans to improve whatever I didn’t like, or at least be convinced and move on to newer topics of thinking. That’ll be my new year’s resolution

  Browsing through social media as if some posts will answer my questions. Now I know it won’t.

Did you fall in love in 2016? 

I feel like I know Jenna Coleman personally after watching Doctor Who straight up.

How many one-night stands?

     hmmmmm actually, zero.

What was your favorite TV program?

   To reiterate, Doctor Who is the best thing that happened. It is holding my mental sanity. Nigeruwahajidaga Yakunitatsu was helpful in seriously considering life in marriage.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Once Erin Chase told me hate is toxic. Since then whenever I am inclined to hate someone I try indifference instead. I grew indifferent to my relationship with a person this year.

What was/were the best book(s) you read?

   Kasai No Hito [people of family court]. It is a series of comic books that feature a family court judge who restores youth who committed crimes and resolves conflicts of married couples trying to divorce through using metaphors of plants. In the justice system where legal solutions are primary means to “resolve” issues, he is an inspiring counselor-judge who is always watering plants, hiking, and not doing much reading and end up saving lives of those who come to the family court. His words are oddly wise and that was my favorite part.

What were your greatest musical discoveries?

  I can’t think of anything.

What did you want and get?

   I wanted to find a topic of research or interest that is very grabbing. I didn’t find it. Instead, I learned a lot of small facts about child welfare, youth psychology, education systems, etc. And my relationship with Sarasa has become more stable.

What was your favorite film of this year?

Moonlight. I usually watch tons of scifi films, but this film led me to reinforce my interest in welfare. It was viewing black communities as just communities, not black communities. In other words, it invited me into the community and experience it.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    I was facilitating elementary school kids’ discussions on how they are going to teach smartphone rules to even younger children in Kobe. I think they celebrated my birthday, and I was so happy. I turned 25, still unbelievable. 

What did you do for the New Year, Valentine’s, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, and any other holidays?

   New Year: I reluctantly and thus very slowly studied for an entrance exam to master’s program.

   Valentine’s: I forgot its existence, which exploded Sarasa and she almost broke up with me. So as a token of apology, I sent her a bottled wine with a photo of us in it. To make sure I forgot about it, I printed the date as February 15. LOL

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

  making new local friends to share intellectual and reflective discussions, or doing these things with friends scattered around the world. Now I know this is the most important thing to my life.

  What kept you sane? 

  Monthly hangouts with a friend from Wes. Every month, someone came to visit me. Yvonne, Xian, Matt, Sarasa, thank you! And my family’s constant support is always underrated. Caught up with my personal petty anxiety, reading New York Times and other critical articles on the devastating reality of the world, from changing political climate to humanitarian crises, woke me up and put me right. This was big. Also almost daily skype with Sarasa is the basis of my sanity.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

  Jenna Coleman. It was my first time ever googling a celebrity’s name.

Who did you miss?

  Sarasa and all my friends with whom I share deep shit. I miss prof. Miller too. hahaha

Who was the best new person you met?

Sarah, who is helping out the US-Japan youth exchange program. She is always on top of shit and is truly excited to see the kids grow. Definition of trust.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

   Sensation fades. Act before thinking, and you will feel joy.

What were your inner conflicts you could not resolve in 2017?

  It is the same conflict that I have been facing all years since college. Do I want to pursue teaching-related work or literature/history related work. But! Writing this made me realize I held a false belief that by getting a teaching experience in Japan I will lose chances to extensively read, write and discuss philosophy, intellectual history and literature in career. Whenever I get bored from finishing tasks related to teaching path, I feel awfully misplaced and am taken over by the nostalgia of intellectual conversations with friends at Wes.

  However, one thing that is clear is that I can continue reading and writing on history and intellectual history through working as a teacher. Let’s not forget that.

  Plus, is nostalgia a proof that I would enjoy going back to academia? What does it mean to read and write and discuss academically?

  Another  conflict I have always had is to live in Japan or in other countries... This has too many factors and everything depends, so I should get over this conflict and be always specific when thinking about locations of residency. And I want to use English, rather than Japanese, for my critical inquiry.

2018 2019               

-get licenses

-intl. exchange program experience

-psych research

-explore topics to inquire about (sociology? contemporary history?)

2020 --> 2022

-teach at elementary/reformatory

-Find what to do next

-Try to produce knowledge (research in psych? soci?)

2023 (age 31)

-PhD in Europe or US

or

-NGO in Mexico --> UNICEF and development career?

2026 (age 34)

-get a teaching position at a university (might not be possible though, with the rise of online education opportunities)

and -Found an organization that does something fun

or

-work for intl. organization while conducting research

2030 (age 40)

-??? cannot even imagine.

What did you like about the projects your worked on? What aspects of those projects do you wish to continue? What other projects do you wish you’d done more of?

1. AK Youth Exchange Project

I liked being paid for the work that helps solve problems that could lead some youth to suicide. It was fun to be the only culturally fluent person to facilitate discussions. Particularly, kids on my side are excited, and I enjoyed being able to be part of the team that can give them this opportunity to them. It feels great to be able to contribute to a local village initiative (Chikusa) that has educational resources that can enrich the lives that touch them. Using my skills to uplift kids with lower self esteem also made me feel good. Writing grant and answering many questions from the grant-giving organization was energy consuming, I think I was able to learn valuable lessons of what to say to whom so that I can invite them into my own world.   I did not like that I had to be swung from left to right by a couple of people who exert age-based authority. I also hate that I do not have a say to certain parts of the project because I am a student. I do not necessarily seek for the highest leadership position, at least I wish I was part of all conversations. I hated being treated as a person who does not have the deciding power. Particularly, the process of paying for my income was not sufficiently explained, and it is still delayed. Those in authority of protecting human rights in Japan are neglecting one of the most important duties. This drives me crazy, I get furious every time I give a thought to this. I will always exchange contracts when there is a salary involved. People really do not care. And be a person who cares. All of the delays could have been avoided if we all met regularly. The problem is that these people say they commit to this without having the necessary time or will to do so. I can’t stand having to be the only listener when I am the youngest. Hate it so much.I would like to continue working on giving chances for youth to think and speak freely about problems and participate in the ecosystem of politics. I guess this is sort of fighting ageism.I hope to do more of intellectualizing this practice-- maybe write a piece to analyze the ecology of this project? Why not! This may lead to a practice report to be published somewhere, talk to Prof. Bauman about it?I was very happy to meet some of the new team members. I would like to continue meeting those who have interests in making the world a better place for disadvantaged youth. It felt nice to connect to a scholar over many rounds of online conferences. I also love traveling, which is so important to my life. I would like to devise more projects that have travel components!! 

2. Getting a teaching license in elementary, junior high and high schooI liked that I had something that would give me a paycheck in a couple of years. One class on human rights was quite an informative and inspiring one in that it taught me precursors who were working for disadvantaged youth and family in rural Japan. That is one reason I can be proud of being a Japanese person.Most of the classes were terrible in that many scholars speak of their ill-informed self-indulgent lectures. Besides understanding the sad reality of malfunctioning academia in Japan, I learned nothing.I wish to continue learning the history of human rights-oriented teachers in the past, and present, globally. That is something that pushes me to work hard to work for disadvantaged people in general. My struggle, in the new lens I just through of, is my tendency to connect with those in the past, rather than those in the present. Or is that what I hope is the case to be the heroin of tragedy?I also have to admit that some classes from Seisa were quite informative in terms of history of education in Japan, as well as what the gov’t has done in shaping the direction of curriculum, effective teaching methods of science and math. That’s not nothing, probably useful skills, but I’m not sure if I can say I fully enjoyed it.

3. Seminars to children and parents 

I definitely enjoyed traveling on train! Train rides make me feel like I am important and so does wearing suits. Pay was very good and I am thankful for that. Conversations with school principals have been somewhat fun, although they aren’t really intellectual. Many of them seem to be swung by newspaper headlines instead of deeply analyzing the reality...  I also enjoyed speaking to an audience of parents and children. The content was developed by Takeuchi-sensei and speaking his content makes me feel like I am doing something good to society, but the thought that it is not mine lingers on. I guess I am learning how to speak, behave and stuff, just instruments. I don’t expect too much from this besides these learning and pay.  I did not like that it was not my original work and that the conversations aren’t so abstract. There isn’t many critical arguments, just questions for the audience. I wish there was more of an discussion that I could provoke in the audience, but to be honest most of the arguments are just plain normative thoughts. I want radical thoughts that change the way I view reality. I want change. I guess boredom overclouds me here.I would like to continue making money from these, but would like to dramatically change slides. At least for children, I want to engage more with them to check the possibility of radical and critical thinking.

4. Flattering Prof. Takeuchi’s students 

  I admit I find it rewarding to engage in conversations with them through critical assessment of the organization. I just complain how authoritarian and dogmatic the organization is in the form of constructive criticism, and I am not sure if some of the sophomores felt my negativity. Talking with sophomores is sometimes fun but I wish we had more of critical discussions on anything. Many students try to say things that please Takeuchi-sensei and I hate that. I would like to be more critical and original in any speech I make and I believe that is how I contribute in general.

I do not desire going to their spring camp and be part of their leadership because I don’t really see myself creating a youth organization where members are uncritical. I also want to discuss intellectual, more challenging things with people who have vocabulary. 

I would like to continue going to smartphone summits occasionally to hear the changing relationships between emerging technology and lives of young people. Besides that, I think I am done and now is the time to move on to my passion, using the communication skills I acquired from these programs.

5. “offline” summer camp

I definitely enjoyed investing my time and energy in working with some of the youth who are struggling with parental over-managing, lack of social skills, lack of communication with parents, etc. When it came down to was their social life problems. It was very inspiring to see that kids who lacked skills to engage with others in effective ways came to be able to do that in 5 days, through extensive chats, play, discussions and simply living together in nature. Structured counseling-like programs also helped them face their problems and claimed the courage to get over.

I enjoyed seeing how kids’ behavior changed, and their emotional energy, not fully expressed, was very pleasant to feel. The camp master’s lessons on “life” felt quite meaningful to be part of, like killing fish taking life and continue the circle of life. What is the point of life?

I was so happy to be able to connect to a girl that at first I didn’t feel would connect to very deeply. She seemed so shy, didn’t talk much, and didn’t show facial expressions. But she cried when I gave her a farewell letter. It taught me that being able to express is a skill that not everyone has the privilege to have. But so what? How much do I care about it? Maybe it was fun but I guess this is sort of like my hobby?

I did not like how youth services people had to call college facilitators over to a kid who was actually intentionally left alone because he was tired of socializing only to show their boss that kids are being cared for. I would argue that an intellectual, confident move would have been to explain fully to their boss that these college facilitators are strategic about engaging with kids, and ask them to articulate their strategies later. I know people aren’t perfect, but it made me angry and Prof should have confronted it. I wish there was more of a critical discussions, rather than top-down advising from camp leaders and adults to youth, honestly. I want more democratic organizational structures with high, and diverse abilities.

“You told me I should be kind to myself. But you should also be more kind to yourself.” -In a letter from a student.

She might have identified the darkness that clouds my path ahead, that I do not know how to satisfy myself. It is true. I do not know what makes me happy honestly. What makes me happy? Writing like this soothes me and makes me feel like I matter to myself. How can I make myself matter to myself?? That is the question this student taught me to think about.

Not sure if summer camps would be my thing, but I would like to continue engaging very deeply with others. Because by doing so, she tried to wonder about my nature and offered such an insightful letter to me. This is a very, very important question to myself. Care for self, and think about what to do that can make me care for myself.

Well but still the song-singing felt so touching and it restored my faith in some of the basic values of being in company with others, having nice friendships.

6. Facilitation for youth programs

  There were some moments I felt quite fulfilling when I was able to help kids be vulnerable and open up. It was also rewarding to compliment them and they seemed really happy and became confident in what they do.

  And the topics included addiction to cyberbullying and usokoku and those are serious concerns for youth. I felt that by being part of the programs that help youth and adults understand the status quo of cyber life, I mattered to the world. That is a great feeling. However, I wish I would be able to feel more Adrenalin pumping though. In other words, although I felt I mattered to the world, I did not matter to myself. To my self, I wasn’t great enough; should my assessment scale be changed or my actions changed?

I would like to continue participating in these programs to better understand both changing and unchanging truth about human lives. but what is actually it that would make me feel like I matter to myself?

7. Volunteer at Kodomohiroba

  This is one of the biggest reasons I feel I would enjoy becoming a school teacher. Every time, I stepped closer to opening up the students who are totally at a loss; parents have brought them to Japan with their reasons and put in school systems that do not have the sufficient support system. But some students seemed so happy talking with me who tries to connect with them through variety of means. It’s like the kids were waiting for me to touch their lives. Maybe they were waiting FOR me to touch their lives so that I can feel like I matter to myself. At the end of each volunteer, I always feel fulfilled, having done great things. Why? It’s not an academic discussion, but I just really enjoy that informal mingling with kids who have different backgrounds and see them open up to me. It’s kind of like me traveling to other countries and meeting with young locals (esp. Mexico) and connecting with them.

I will absolutely continue to volunteer at this organization and find what makes me feel that I matter to myself. Or just simply joy? Is a simply joy enough?

I also enjoyed working with people of various ages and occupations. It is an environment where I can stay faithful in people’s care for civil duty and philanthropy.

I did not like how understanding of students isn’t systematically shared. Maybe I would step up and suggest creating a database of students’ needs, study skills and backgrounds. A

8. Volunteer at elementary schools

It was as joyful as to forget my feeling of being misplaced. I liked my social skills developed a bond with many children. When it comes to building ties, the teachers weren’t an exception. Being able to connect with people as human beings is a rewarding experience. I was particularly happy that children found me interesting, and I found them interesting. With this mutual act of finding each other simply interesting, I cannot help but be nostalgic of the unforgettable sensation and the feeling of my existence mattering to myself through reflective conversations with friends. Maybe I like to be reflective and understand something deep in human thoughts? This leads me to think of reformatory education as one of my potential career paths again. 

I also enjoyed thinking about the role of music in children’s development. From music classes to sports day activities, music seemed to play a large role in facilitating the construction of ties among children. 

There isn’t much I did not like about this project, I think. I would like to continue visiting the elementary school and analyze in what way I want to work with people.

9. Working with UNICEF

I liked that I am working with an intl. organization. That’s cool because it is a symbol of globalization and celebration of cultural diversity. I enjoyed having conversations with some of the smarter people too. Working with UNICEF helped me contextualize seemingly trivial voices of youth I hear hear and there in the changing dialogues of human rights protection.

If possible I would like to keep learning about what is going on around the world. I would love to intern at either in Japan office, NY office or in Mexico to better understand what international organizations can and cannot do, and see how much I like being part of them.

What other projects do you wish you’d done more of?

-I wish I had done more reflective writing and talking. This is to identify project ideas that ring my bell. I am looking for ways to use my life so that I feel I matter to myself.

(Be concrete)

-reading history books for pleasure

-Investment

-read more in psychology, criminology, developmental psych, etc, especially reformatory education-related stuff

-Launch statistical analyses projects

-

New world of career in 2018?

-internship at ...

--> reformatory? can I work with youth on reflection?

-volunteer at...

-try to meet with ...