onesadmutt

[onesadmutt]

just sittin' and thinkin'

[onesadmutt]

for old times sake is actually such a heartbreaking and beautiful sentiment. let’s do it for the love that used to be here!! it is reason enough!!

[onesadmutt]

what a beautiful feeling it is to finally get over someone and realize that it was your adoration of them that made them so special. without that, they’re quite basic. just proof that the magic lives in you, not them.

[onesadmutt]

I don't hate you. youre so precious, like the geode I found and gave to my coworker. it was beautiful, and got dropped. it broke, but the inside was beautiful and all the pieces were held so gently, like they were something to be cherished and protected. treasured forever.

[onesadmutt]

I dont think you're ugly but you think you're ugly and because you think you're ugly you are gonna hurt somebody

[onesadmutt]

[onesadmutt]

Martin Krammer.

[onesadmutt]

i must not take it personal. taking it personal is the mind killer. taking it personal is the little death that brings total oblivion. i will face taking it personal. i will permit it to pass over and through me. and when it has gone past i will turn the inner eye to see its path. when the taking it personal has gone there will be nothing. only i will remain

[onesadmutt]

[through tears] yeah i remain whimsical

[onesadmutt]

Having your main anxiety response be Avoidance is crazy cause you'll think you're chillin and then one day you're like waitttt I've been paralyzed with fear this whole time. Damn

[onesadmutt]

i don’t think people understand how much of life is grief. not just people dying, but losing the version of yourself you thought you’d become. grieving the city you had to leave. the friends you lost not in argument, but in silence. the summer that will never come back. the feeling that maybe you peaked at 12 when you were reading books under the covers and believing in forever

[onesadmutt]

(trying to give relationship advice) from a narrative perspective i think both of you dying together would be the most emotionally satisfying resolution but i’m guessing that’s not what you want to hear

[onesadmutt]

u think i can claim temporary insanity??? im not actually in love w u i think i was temporarily insane and also think maybe we grew apart and shouldnt try to cling onto something dead???? its sad yeah but. we both got lives irl now! thats awesome! we met and were depressed teenagers stuck online for socialization and now we arent!!! thats awesome!!!! but I dont think I need to know about your life so much. like, tell me abt the trip! tell me something cool u saw or heard! dont tell me you arrived. I dont need updates like that, we aren't *that* close. and i dont know if i want to be that close with you. I have no idea what came over me the past few weeks. I think it might have been some regret and a lot of shame and also some realizations that made me think about our relationship from many different ways. we are totally different people. we live completely different lives. I do have so much love for you, I always will, but it was not romantic love. it was the type of love where you never feel worthy and you always have to prove yourself because the object of your affections is always out of reach. kinda like when ur a kid and ur parents aren't real nice to you but you want them to be so you think there's something wrong w u and u try and change the things about yourself that dont fit the narrative you've constructed for yourself. thru no fault of ur own, you were always SO COOL. unrealistic levels of cool that I made up in my head. you were everything I wanted to be, at one point in time. you were SO cool and I could never be that cool, I dont even know why you let me in ur server bc why would someone so cool allow themselves to talk to me?? and I never really grew out of that i think. and maybe part of me six years ago was in love with you, but again, not in a relationship way. in a way that was always going to be unobtainable. I could never see myself in a relationship with you honestly because youre not real in my life. I wanted you to be, I spent nights fantasizing about hanging out w you and brax and ellie irl. but thats because I thought I could only have friends online. I didnt realize that what i was doing was having friends irl. my coworkers love me. the bar workers love me. I have friends I hang out with and they love me. I call a friend at night and listen to her play Minecraft for three hours and fall asleep on call with her. I say this and she calls me a sleepy boy. im not in love with her. those words echo throughout me, the fear of being perceived replaced with the shock of being known and accepted and loved. when I was your friend I was so afraid. not of you, just in general. I think the last cling onto you w this im in love w u bullshit was me trying so fiercely one last time to keep myself exactly where I was before. afraid. yearning for change but being too afraid to make any moves. I am happy that ur doing dating, trying more things. I dont know if youre doing them for the right reasons. I dont know if youre being healthy. I dont know if youre beating a dead horse and trying to feel alive. but I know that im tired of hanging out with corpses. the world is full of life to live. I think ill enjoy it instead of worry myself to death.

[onesadmutt]

Before getting wine drunk you MUST consider if you have a man you can feel up. If not, you must seriously consider if you are ready to be wine drunk without having a man to feel up and do not overestimate your mental fortitude

[onesadmutt]

How it feels to be the only unemployed person in a discord server

[onesadmutt]

i guess. how come no one want me? how come everything thats endearing in her isn't in me?? why was i never an option?? not to be incel-y. idk. questions i dont actually want to know the answer to.

[onesadmutt]