onetwotwentytwo

[onetwotwentytwo]

somewhere we’re in our home cozied up with all our cats around us as the rain drums on our windows. should we get blaze soon? it’s been a while.

[onetwotwentytwo]

mentally i’m still in absolute sitting on the sofa waiting to hear you walk through that door and join me. I want to hold you tight and eat k-pocha with you. no chicken burger today, we had that yesterday. pull out the all dressed from the cabinet and change into something comfy. we still have the last season of you to watch.

[onetwotwentytwo]

happy mother’s day to her. i’m thinking about her today, keeping her in my prayers. she’s looking at you proudly. sometimes I talk to her about you through Allah. I tell her how proud I am of you. I’d like to think she feels the same way.

[onetwotwentytwo]

why did I reach for the carrot muffin today?

why were you on my mind the whole time I ate it?

why were you on my mind hours before seeing the muffin, and then hours afterwards?

[onetwotwentytwo]

if you could please drop the voodoo doll or just halt whatever spells ur casting to make me miss u as much as I have been this week that would be greaaaat. thanks.

[onetwotwentytwo]

I’m missing you a lot lately. I’ve been especially missing you this weekend.

did you start the last season of you yet? I haven’t, I really want to watch it with you.

[onetwotwentytwo]

Eid Mubarak K 🌙🤎💐

it’s weird not being able to text you. even weirder speaking into this void (still). I always tell myself that the last message will be the last one. i’m here talking to myself, calling out for someone who left the station a long time ago. I hate myself for it. I want to show that i’m past you, but I can’t. I don’t know what I hate more - the thought of if I’ll ever really get there or the thought of how quickly you seemingly did. I hate that i’m thinking about you right now. no Eid selfies, no breakdowns of our days, no shared scenarios of what our Eids will look like together.

regardless, I hope you’re well. I hope your family is well. I hope your fasts went well. I hope you eat good n lots. I hope you had a good coffee at some point today. I hope your make up eats as well. I hope that fragrance you spray lingers all day. I wonder what you smell like these days?

until next time,

m

[onetwotwentytwo]

happy birthday k 💐 I hope you celebrated this year exactly the way you wanted to. may this year bless you with everything that you want for yourself (plus tax)

[onetwotwentytwo]

I know today is really difficult for you. I’m by your side, even from here. you and your family are in my duaa’s today, yesterday, and always.

even though you question it, she’s looking at you in awe every time. we all are. whether you’re allowing yourself to go through the motions of what you’re feeling, or pushing them down to show face, I hope your able to find at least a moment of lightness today. ameen.

[onetwotwentytwo]

this date six years ago, my life changed forever. sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday -  other days it feels like it was a couple lifetimes ago. I still remember the feeling of the entire world stopping when you walked into the room - I’ve felt the same way every time I saw you since. 

you came into my life and became the center of it within weeks, if not days. since september 21st 2018, not a single day has gone by where I don’t think about you. 

I want to write on here more but the thought of you seeing it one day (if ever) makes me feel so small. I feel small because i’m still stuck to you. small because I can’t escape this, I can’t stop scanning for your car on every street i’m on, I can’t stop smelling your scent every where I go. every meal I have doesn’t taste the same because it’s missing your company. I wish I could start my mornings with you and end my nights with you. I think about you all the time and I can’t make it stop.

I feel angry and I think of all the reasons why this wasn’t working. I think of our last conversation on the phone and how much it hurt. I think about how lonely it felt at times, but none of that sticks. it’s always almost immediately replaced with all the ways I found home in you. i’ll write out my feelings in hopes of letting go but then the second i’m done and I lay my head down I think of what you’re doing and how you’re feeling. 

it doesn’t seem like it’ll ever change for me. it’s this for the rest of my life. september 18, 2018 was the last time it wasn’t like this. today i’m gonna be thinking about you - us - a lot more than I usually do. i’m gonna play that khruangbin album and think of all the beautiful moment we got to experience together. all the uneventful chicken burgers to gossip girl binges (rlly want to rewatch it but I can’t get myself to do it), date nights, movie nights, drives back from where ever, and everything in between. i’m holding your hand and kissing your on the forehead. i’m holding you tight in my arms and playing with your hair as you drift away. i’m telepathically calling your name, and telling you that you’re (still) my entire world. thank you for entering my life, I really wish you stayed longer.  

yours, 

m

[onetwotwentytwo]

I tell myself that I have no reason to write here anymore and immediately after I want to do nothing but write to you.

I miss you and i hate that I do. so much though. somedays I'm angry. I think back to some things and it makes me angry, sad, annoyed, disappointed.

other days I'm just sad. so many things happened that i wanna tell you about. so much that I know you would love to her. laugh over some bs high as hell.

It's pathetic that I'm just speaking into a void, even more pathetic that it makes me feel close to you. I feel stuck to you.

[onetwotwentytwo]

🥲

[onetwotwentytwo]

congratulations to lil man - or I guess not so lil man anymore.

congratulations to you as well (for this and the other thing too). the kids wouldn't be able to do this without you.

you're doing well, keep going - you're gonna get to heights you couldn't fathom iA. I'm proud of you.

[onetwotwentytwo]

in case you didn’t get a chance to see her tn.

[onetwotwentytwo]

do u confirm or deny?

[onetwotwentytwo]

2 posts in one day??? whattt damn he on my dick frrrrr 🤪🙄

lol nah, I just miss you. nothing to say. actually, too much to say, just no one to say it to.

what’s up with you? you ever think about hitting my line? I worry that you think its out of site out of mind due to my lack of reaching out as well. it’s not the case, at all. I think about you all the time. I wish for nothing more than the ability to reach out. to send you that long ass letter I posted here a month ago. I don’t know if I can stomach your no though. I’m banking on you seeing it one day, hopefully. idk. pathetic as it is, I’ll be right here. I wish you knew how much I actually am and was here for you.

🫰🏼🫰🏼🫰🏼

love u smmmmmmm

so so much

4 everrrr & then some

PS: i rlllly wanna rewatch gossip girl but I feel like I need ur permission before I can. may I? ugh, who am I kidding, I won’t be able to without you.

[onetwotwentytwo]

last night I was really sad thinking about how badly I wanted to experience the show with you, but I could feel you there, and for now, it was enough. I hope you had a good time. that part where it was raining from the three windows made me want to shout your name and run towards you.

(I know this is supposed to be serious and somber but can you imagine if I actually did that lmao that would be insane but really funny at the same time)

they played a few songs that I associate with us and I wonder if you felt the same feeling in your stomach that I did.

PS: one thing I need to still work on is my tendency to be delusional b/c a part of me is really convinced you're reading these. the rest of me knows that it's realistically not the case, but idk, maybe one day you'll stumble back on this page and see that I never got rid of the home you made in my heart. if anything, the bed is made, there is fresh linen on the shelves, and the pantry is stocked with honey butter and all dressed chips. sun chips in the back as well.

PPS: you looked absolutely stunning last night. I only caught a glimpse - it was all I could handle. you're the most beautiful woman in every room you occupy.