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FEX 1

FEX 1

Okay, well here we go this week. This week, to be honest I'm not actually dreading. What I am dreading is just the long arduous process that is TBS. I've also realized that Kerrie and I are too far into things and we might as well see where things are going to go. I can see things working out for us, and I think this week will even show it more for us. Here's the thing, I don't MIND the field. What I do mind more than anything is not being able to contact her. That's what I fucking hate the most. Yes, I can do 0302 things, but I just HATE not being able to contact her, like really knowing I could be able to contact her. That is what kills me the most. Yes, I know she's independent and can handle her own but I want the ability to contact her and know I can. I don't, I CAN'T have that communication line between us severed again it fucking kills me. Yes, IOC sounds so freaking cool, the pedigree earned from it, but at the same time knowing that is waiting for me in the future haunts me if I do IOC. Yes, the badassery in calling myself an infantry officer, the knowing I can have an emergency fund already started, it's all so amazing, but fuck knowing that I have the possibility of not being able to talk to her like OCS is going to fucking tear me from the inside. Yes, I can do IOC, I know I fucking can. But do I want too? Like fuck. I think I have a higher chance of getting slotted to 29 palms as a 0302 during my professional development tour rather than a 0402 Logistics guy, but I don't know.

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Thankful

I'm so thankful that I don't have to do TBS again. When I look at the new class, it makes me think about how grateful, fucking grateful I am to not have to start where the new class is starting. You couldn't pay me any amount of money in the world to restart that shit again, hell no. The amount of time away from them, nope, not even going to happen.

When I look at the calendar, I get so freaking excited that we're pretty much a the halfway point!!! It makes me so excited to know that I'm almost done. I

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fight

I had a big argument / flight with her yesterday, to the point it really bothered me. It takes a lot for things to get to me but yesterday was different. I haven't talked to her since yesterday night, and I feel better not doing so talking to her. Thinking about being with someone like Paige or bells without the complications she brings along is starting to seem really more feasible honestly. They can be here with me and I can actually see them, be able to touch, be human for a change. Kerrie brings so much complications with a neurotic ex and his partner who has a severely autistic daughter with. I would hate to be in public with them, seen together. She says to think about the positives, but what are there really?

I can't work at a good job like Palantir, but still aim for OE so that really doesn't matter

Having kids, my own are off the table forever

Have to deal with her neurotic ex

Have to deal with her never understanding where I come from

The age difference might have her sex drive change for the worse

Positives

She ultimately loves me, but so do other people

She provides me peace and stability

Her kids love me, but don't know if they LOVE me

She is very attractive

“What is the future I’m fighting for with her?” Is it living together again in Arizona? Raising her boys like they’re your own? Building a life with boundaries, shared goals, and mutual respect?

If you can see that vision and want it—that’s your intent. If you’re only staying because “I love her” or “I don’t want to hurt her,” that’s not intent, that’s emotional obligation.

I'm staying with her because I see a future with raising Maxton and Cael as my own. Shaping their day to day lives on what and how to be a real man. I'm staying because I want to be with my best friend who I can do all of life with and just have fun. I'm staying because I see myself being able to look past her ex and his insignificance. I

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Catching Up

Wow, I haven't wrote since November 4th, that's just insane to think about really. So what's new with me. Well, I'm officially an officer now, but not army unfortunately, but fortunately at the same time. The Corps culture is something that really surprised me, like actually took me back. I think part of it was due to my pre conceived conceptions which turned out to be misconceptions. There is so much passion here and each individual shares such a unique story that I could dive into their minds for days on end. Can't really say I had the same experience in the Army. April is literally almost up and then we're on to May. The weeks are flying by here and I'm excited and fortunate of that I get to say I'm a Marine Officer. I actually lead other Marines, those badass motherfuckers. It's insane to think about really, but I fucking love it. At first when I got my commission, it didn't really hit me but it has now. I'm still thinking about wanting to do Infantry, but then part of me also thinks I want to do Air Defense because of its technicality in nature. One thing I'm worried about for Air Defense is the limited amount of slots that were presented in the Active Duty meeting, however, there was a post by the mar-admin saying they're offering bonuses for Air Defense for the reserves. This led me to speculate maybe the allotment for active duty Air Defense slots are small, but the reserves component have an increased number of slots. Maybe. I also thought that if I didn't want to do infantry anymore, I could do a lateral move to Ground Intel, which from there I just go to the intelligence school since I already did IOC. Thinking about long term, I think I might just propose to Kerrie after MOS school. That's something I want to do really. I just see a future with her and the kids, it just makes sense really to me. I want to be able to save up for an engagement ring and wedding band same time. I genuinely love all three and want to get super close to Maxton and Cael to where it's the same level of Kerrie. Being able to transfer the VA Home loan to her or even more just to give them a great life with me in the picture is something I'm excited about. I'm excited about waking up with her by my side in the mornings with us completely refreshed from the draining day of yesteryear. To literally take care of her is something I'm so excited about. To marry her, call her mine. Austin Grey and Kerrie Grey is just so fitting. To say I choose her and continue to choose her. To show Maxton and Cael this is what true love looks like, to love someone with so much passion and care and love, to be infatuated with it, to be engulfed by it. Knowing that's in store for them and I'm teaching them how to be the right man who is in touch with his feminine side yet ready to throw down and kill someone at a moment's notice is something I'm so excited about. God I love them all.

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Head is in Lala land

My head hurts, my relationship hurts. Why do I hurt? I think it's because of the intake on unisum? Maybe, I don't know. All I know is that she questioned if I truly knew her, like knew her yesterday and it broke my heart. Maybe our break doesn't have to follow the predefined rules of what a break should be, rather just keep going at the pace we talked about, which I keep forgetting for some reason. Yeah, let's just go at that, I'm afraid of her not wanting to be under my insurance, of her not wanting to marry, of her not wanting other things. But what I can focus on is the moment, she invited me over to her place once again to spend soccer time with the kids, and her home, it was a fucking blast. It felt fun, so much fucking fun. I felt included, loved. I loved it all, so much, I'm so grateful to have her and them in my life. I guess it's time to press the brakes and pull off, let's see go see the view.

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Going to Mykonos for my sister's birthday, living it up at the clubs there, taking pictures, photoshoots there for her, me, and Paige is what I think about.

Kerrie has taught me lots of things, and one of them valuing family and personal time to yourself, and not your job. That's where working remote would come in for me. I'd want to at least clear $600K eventually, but more later. Given if I make that, or be on the stepping stones to, I could move to San Francisco and start living there, going out, enjoying everything over there. Have my sister live with me eventually would be the plan. I'd want to eventually live in Menlo Park, or San Ramon, or maybe just stay in San Francisco. Live there, go out with her, stay for the friends, leave for the adventures. Literally just that. Make enough just to say, hey, let's get away and go travel to another part of the states for a couple months just because.

I have friends in Menlo Park, am able to have my sister live with me and help raise her kids, give them a great life along with my kids. I have a BMW S1000 RR, along with an Audi e-tron RS GT. Paige has a Audi RSQ8. Retirement is north of $20 Million, I'd hope and my kids both have $5 Million worth of inheritance to play with. It's far fetched, I know, but I have to work on it somehow, someway.

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Thinking as Per Usual

Can I imagine leaving Kerrie and never coming back, like at all? I can't, I think. I.....I love her. Maybe I could have someone else replace her, but they aren't Kerrie. The coparenting thing worries me, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I think about going to JP Morgan and think wtf would I be doing really? Like really...... She is the only one that I can entertain a future with and it scares me to think like that, it really does. Let's just take it day by day, but I really do have to show Mario my board, and see what he thinks. Let's knock out this Week 1 of classes and move on with the rest of my degree!!!!!

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Staying with Kerrie

Do I loved her? Yes, but I also would love to have a kid with her. I don't think anyone understands what we have it's special, it's unique. Yes, that could be said for all things but I feel like I do. I know I don't have to figure it out now, but really what are we doing? Am I really wasting her time? Is she wasting mine? I don't want to string her along, when I met her and asked her to be my girlfriend, I did see a future with her, I still kind of do, but I'm just worried about the future. I'm worried about being with her and realizing I can't have a kid. But it's like Mario said, what if I'm infertile? Then it would mean I'd be with her. We'll see, just have to take it slow.

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I'm going through with it

So here goes nothing, I'm going to go through with the marines for becoming an officer, but instead the reserves. I want to become an infantry officer, lead other Marines. I can still be with Kerrie, which is the most important thing to me. I can also still try to work for startups remotely, which will be perfect, it really will be. I'll worry about trying to find another job working for a startup remotely, but for the main time it allows me to get the the VA home loan, along with the Post 9/11 GI Bill so I could do a MBA remotely if that was the case!

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Thinking about what to tell her

So she asked me what things I would like changed about her.

Reconsider if the ex will actually be a good father figure. Basically them not being able to be that vulnerable is a clear tale sign they aren't comfortable with him. What's more, if the children later down the line resent you for it, that'll be yours to live with forever (not a me issue).

Having another kid, or maybe: I'm still not clear whether I want to have a kid or not, but it's got me wondering since she's hard set on that fact. I do want a family, that is something I am most absolutely certain about. How can I know if I actually want to have a kid? Like really really do it. fuck I don't know.

Being able to be more emotional to me when it comes to opening up things, and not just going haphazardly against me when conversations get difficult.

That's really it. She is a lovely person to be around, really is. I'm just worried about sacrificing my future, or whatever I think it is. Granted, part of me know realized that "future" is my goal-orienting secondary psychopathy kicking in, so it's not really me. That's what fucking sucks.

Part of me was running a couple of scenarios is my head with Lindsey. I was thinking, yeah, this be'd interesting, but then it hit me. I'd have to pretty much take on the responsibly of a full fledged parent if I got her pregnant. Yeah, but I don't know if I'd really want that. That's the thing really, I just realized, I'd need to decide whether I'm just fucking her, or then moving on with the Marines goal.

Okay so say I do that then, break up with her, start fucking Lindsey, then what? Okay so I move onto the Marines then, ship out soon? Well, shit, I can't really, I'm doing a masters at the moment. I'd need to figure out how I'd be able to go an military leave after TBS and AIT and then start working on my courses from then on out. Question is, do I really want to do all that fucking shit? All those fox holes, cold nights, MRE's in full kit, I don't miss it at all. For what? A few fucking accolades? While I could have a full fledged family here, why would I give that up?

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At Peace

I'm at peace with whatever happens with her, but at the same time I want to feel how I originally felt about her just a couple of weeks ago. Me holding my BPD at bay has made me realize different things about the relationship I never considered. I was living for her, and not myself. I need to live for me, but part of me is really thinking about being partnered up with someone else. I think about meeting someone my age, the whole world still in front of us. Someone who doesn't look at life as, "this is my life", versus they still have hope. Someone who maybe wants a kid with me, given the sacrifices, we have enough money, people to make it work. I have my sister watch her kid, and in turn we do the same. We both make families that won't be broken, that won't turn into something nefarious later in life. We actually get it right. It's not that we don't stick it out just because of the kids, but we actually love our partner and know we made the right decision. I will be excited taking my child to practice, knowing that they're doing something they love, something they find exciting. Giving them such a great childhood, it sounds so lovely. Having that job as a product manager, a home, a family, Carl and Clyde, what more could I want? That's it really.... I don't know if she will stay in the picture, I really don't.... but all I know is I'm going to be okay either way, because at the end of the day, I'm at peace with myself.

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It's okay to not be okay

But also, I'm so fucking happy I got into UIUC, UI U fucking C. 6.5% acceptance rate? Like, that's just fucking crazy Austin, really. Fuck yeah man I'm so proud of you for doing what you set out to do! You fucking did it. Yes, I know you want to do Product Management in Tech. Like Google, Meta, so forth. You will man, but take some time to relax, you fucking earned it. You fucking earned it. Breathe, if you don't want to go over just tell her. I'm so fucking proud of your life man, I really am. You have such an awesome job, have been accepted to one of the most prestigious universities in the world for computer science, have a bad ass car, and a beautiful girlfriend. You have such a great support system, and you're just getting started. Go get changed and smell good champ, you earned it :)

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Thinking about her

So we told each other we give us the weekend to think about things after what I read. It's weird, because I ended up thinking to myself, "What if I did break up right now?", and see where that would put me. So I rekindled old goals, just to see if I'm still all about them, and in reality, I don't even care anymore about them. Like another example, I went to the Marine Recruiter's Office and no one came to the door, I rang it two times. Part of me saw that as a sign, a sign to move on, that chapter is closed. So it left me thinking while driving back from the office to my place, "That path I thought I wanted to do, it's no longer attractive to me", at all. Fast forward to when I was hanging out with Matthew, he basically explained how me not wanting kids before her, but now wanting them to just have the same connection actually comes from a place of codependency, and not actually wanting to go through fatherhood. It was a misaligned aspect of it. I really do enjoy my time to sleep in, do what I want when I want, to just take time for myself like right now. I just have to form that secure connection with her, I really need to.

However, will I regret not having kids in the future with her? I think, thinking about it right now while a little sleep deprived, I'm so fucking happy I can just wake up tomorrow and sleep the fuck in.

God life is good right now, and hopefully this leads me to getting married to her. I would want her to be my wife, no fucking question about that. I don't have a strong desire to have a kid, a fetish yes, but to go through that whole process, I don't think so.

I really just have to focus on a couple of things:

Trusting Kerrie in what she says, actually trusting her

Being secure with her, fixing that avoidant attachment style issue

Getting rid of pregnancy fetish

Get excited for the possibility of marriage with this beautiful girl

I know people and my friends say I'm young, and shouldn't have any business doing this, but when I look at their life's it's not happy at all and is really mundane. I've done so much shit compared to them it's not even funny. Yeah, I had a shitty childhood, but it doesn't mean by judge of character for relationships is bad. Ten years of therapy will fix that for you. Beloved my ass, I'm so far ahead of everyone else and only getting further :). I got this, I really do. Part of me just questions my happiness right now, all it really is based on just being tired in this current moment

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Thinking about the intern

So the intern came in today, but for some reason I didn't know why I was feeling like I was with her. I think it really was because of the mishap I had with the dates for the concert. My love for Ker remained strong though, despite it. It had me thinking, however, is it really that strong? Well, it's early on. However, one thing is for certain, the love Ker gives me is so much more than I could probably get from that girl. Also, I didn't really like her face all that much. Kerrie's face is symmetrically perfect . Yeah, I could have her, but do I REALLY want her? Not, not at all. Yeah, the kid thing bothers me that she may not be able to have some, but I feel my love for Kerrie and the tough moments we shared together have shown us we're made for each other. Plus, she's six years younger at me, at least!!!! That's just crazy, like what the fuck, that would make me so insecure being in a relationship with her. Yes, I'd be able to get over it, but it would always be there. Plus, I'd die first and leave her alone, fuck that shit. Yeah, I really don't like her face honestly. She is a nice person, but not the one for me. Ker is for me. I really wish I was with Ker right now

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Knowing you're the Prize

You have boundaries - You meet someone and you like them. As you get to know them more, you are more and more into them. That's natural. However, "the prize" does not abandon who they are to rent space in a potential mate's butt. You can have a healthy balance in your life. Your sense of individuality and identity should not be sacrificed simply because you are in a relationship.

You are worthy and beautiful (inside and out) - You need to be confident that you are a phenomenal man and anyone would be lucky to have you. Notice there is a fine line between being confident and self-absorbed. You are not egotistical but you are aware of your value and you are committed to only entertaining potential mates that understand you too.

I think by not replying to my girlfriend immediately, it leads me to be more comfortable in my relationship, and not worry about if I'm replying to fast as coming off desperate. Also, I feel the more I have her wait, the more she wants to respond to me immediately. It's like putting myself as the "prize of the relationship", knowing I could be with anyone but am with her, making her know my worth. I'm worried, however, it might cause harm for her as she might be worried something is wrong in the relationship, as her ex partner used to not text her back (he was suicidal) when he had the kids and it made her worry a shit ton.

One thing I want to ask her is the reply text time, does that make her feel worried, flustered?

You were in the fucking army, a soldier. You went to Carnegie Mellon University for the NSF, did robotics there at the top tier computer science school in the world. You have such a loving girlfriend. I really do. She'd go out of her way to care about me.

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I'm in love

When I'm with her, it's never enough time. I never get annoyed of her. She makes me feel at peace, and that I can stop running. She makes me feel like I don't have to fight anymore, and it's so surreal. The normality with her is so breathtaking I just love her as a person so much. She's a fluorescent human being that deserves the world, and I want to be there every step of the way with her in this relationship. She's worth fighting for, and I'm going to take it slow with her (which is best for both of us), just to enjoy our time together.

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I'm hurting

Part of me thinks that she has an ulterior motive for me. Who am I compared to him? She decided to have kids with him, and I'll never be above that ever. I'll always be second to him. It hurts. I feel that if she was going to save either of us, she'd save him because of him being "the father", and forgoing me. Leaving me to my devices to drift out to the black empty void, apparent, yet so obvious.

I also feel that if I do get a higher paying position somewhere else in the future, she'll shoot that shit down. I don't want the relationship her kids have with their father (as selfish as that sounds) to get better.

I'm worried that at any moment, she'll tell me she wants to waive that flag, and enough is enough.

I feel like an outsider with her often times when she mentions the kids. I don't want to overstep any boundaries, so I stay reserved

I really hope to get better, I just don't want to fuck up.