onwhatcaptain - Tumblr blog

[onwhatcaptain]

Are you or have you been in other fandoms? I can't believe ISDN is your second fanfic; it's so good. Have you written for other fandoms? Also, I love your drawings!

Oh, this is so, so sweet of you to say, thank you so much!

Star Trek is my first fandom I've created for and right now, it's my only one. I was on tumblr about a decade ago as a teenager and I was watching a lot of the popular shows at the time, but I was on the periphery of it all and too shy to participate. I had a blog where I drew purposefully bad paint-style memes for laughs, and that was popular, but I had never written fic or even opened AO3 until this past year! I was missing out on so much and I am so glad that I found my way back to Star Trek and finally found the courage to create.

ISDN is actually my first child fic though it's ongoing! A little bit after beginning publishing chapters I had a sudden burst of inspiration to write and post my second fic! :) I hope to keep making many more works, both writing and art, so I won't be going anywhere any time soon! I'm already working on some new things which I hope to have ready soon. I'm also participating in T'hy'la Bang as an artist this year, which I am excited about since this will be my first fandom event.

Thank you again for sending this really sweet ask. It made me smile during quite a tough week. <3

[onwhatcaptain]

Look, I'm gonna be so real with you all. You have GOT to stop making these "most influential yaoi polls" as if they have any meaning. Kirk/Spock wins.

They won before the poll was made, and usually before the person making the poll was born. They won by default. K/S is and always will be the most influential and everyone knows it, which is why people keep making these polls to try and convince themselves that destiel or hannigram or whatever are more relevant, when they were built on the foundations of K/S and don't hold a candle to the impact and endurance of the mother of all slash.

The people voting for anything but K/S are delusional or are answering an entirely different question, which is what their fav gay ship of the moment is. No incessant number of Twitter polls will make your beloved ship more influential than Kirk/Spock, and you know it. Cut your losses. Go home. You lost decades ago, before Twitter or tumblr or you (probably) or I existed.

[onwhatcaptain]

According to Spock, everyone's purgatories are constructed by their own selves. In This Side of Paradise, it's made very clear that Spock's purgatory is his expression/suppression of emotion of any kind. It's not just sadness or rage or uncomfortable emotions he has to control. It's the good ones, the beautiful ones, and the precious ones, too.

In that same episode, Spock permits himself happiness for the first time and by the end, turns away from it, and from love, in favor of his duty. It was a very specific choice of words that Spock tells Leila. I love you, he says. And then he follows up: I can love you.

He's not just feeling emotion, he's permitting himself it. Years later, Spock thinks that kolinahr is his way out of purgatory.

But Spock’s admission in TMP, telling Kirk (who is not even there and cannot hear him! An illogical farewell for a person about to COMPLETE kolinahr) that he'll think of him for the last time, almost implies Kirk is a guilty pleasure for him. That something, some kind of emotion has always slipped through the cracks of the purgatory Spock has built for himself.

After all, that's the final time he thinks of Kirk, according to Spock, who is supposedly on the precipice of finally ridding himself of his purgatory, in literal seconds. That has a major implication: How many hundreds of times in the years they spent apart has he permitted himself to think about Kirk?

And to come full circle, Spock learns that the answer to his purgatory is not kolinahr. It's a very simple feeling, one he mentioned to Leila many years ago.

self-made purgatories

last time i will permit myself to think of you

[onwhatcaptain]

me saying 'the implications......' and then never expanding on that is something that can be so personal

[onwhatcaptain]

do you ever think about the way in which Edith Keeler's line about Spock always being at his side extends beyond life itself?

You? At his side, as if you've always been there and always will.

I often wonder if, for Spock, that line was more of a reminder of what he couldn't have than what he could. At his side: always out of duty and obligation--but also unspoken love. Always wanting more, knowing both of them want more than this, but that all Spock can do is stand by his side in silence. A dream he never got to fulfill, because he was at his side, and this made being together impossible, made it seem so easy to put it off, to think "one day we'll speak of this." A contradiction.

and I wonder if after he was gone, Spock knew that his only other chance to be by his side again would be when he, too, was gone? That they would be at each other's side again eventually, because always doesn't have an end? I think about it all the time.

the implications of spock saying “a dream that we never got to fulfil”…,.,,,,, i’m going to have to assume he meant just being on the ship together and not being together/married for my own mental health

[onwhatcaptain]

I choose to believe that NOMAD thinks it's more powerful and capable than it actually is. I always had the sense that NOMAD TRIED to wipe her mind but more or less failed, because otherwise that plot point would be absolutely ridiculous.

So I'm of the stance that Uhura's mind was "wiped" temporarily, but that it was not a permanent condition and that as she re-learned, they found she rapidly recovered her knowledge and memories which were only suppressed rather than completely destroyed.

It always bugged me in “The Changeling” that Nomad apparently wipes Uhura’s mind and they just “re-educate” her like nothing happened. I choose to believe that rather than total amnesia, Nomad somehow erased all of her skills/abilities. So she still has her memories, but can’t functionally do anything with them or make sense of them until she relearns the basics, i.e. language.

That’s still a super messed up thing to go through! For me, though, the idea that Uhura would have to essentially start over as a new person otherwise is utterly tragic. And if that were the case, it would be EVEN MORE ridiculous that it wasn’t ever addressed again (though, what else is new? Tarsus IV, anyone?).

[onwhatcaptain]

it's such a bummer that losing control of your emotions only makes the entire situation worse in really embarrassing personal ways. losing control of my emotions should give me pyrokinesis.

[onwhatcaptain]

hello I am doing such a bad job at sharing occasional chapter previews from my k/s novel consistently so here's one from last week

“I beg your pardon, Doctor?” “At Spock’s wedding,” he says. “You weren’t there. Matter of fact, you weren’t there for decades. So what if my mind, my grief is loud? Maybe yours should be louder. I was there for him and as a matter of fact, it smarts like hell and I’ll be damned if I apologize for that.” “You speak of things you do not understand, Doctor,” Sarek says with considerable acid. “I suggest you hold your tongue.” And now he’s in too deep to back out. He’s embarrassing himself and he doesn’t care. “Do I? Is that condescension because I’m the species you couldn’t stand your son being half?”

If you want to know why McCoy is arguing with Sarek, my fic "I Shall Do Neither" is here at AO3. <3

I Shall Do Neither (102548 words) by onwhatcaptain Chapters: 18/26 Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock Characters: James T. Kirk, Spock (Star Trek), Leonard "Bones" McCoy Additional Tags: Romance, Angst, Heavy Angst, Loss of Control, Psychological Trauma, Mutual Pining, Five Year Mission (Star Trek), Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Post-Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Pon Farr, Pon Farr Aftermath (Star Trek), Unresolved Sexual Tension, Friendship, Grief, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, Unreliable Narrator, Vulcan Biology, Tarsus IV (Star Trek), Vulcan Mind Melds, Non-Linear Narrative, Storytelling Through Vignettes, Missing Scenes Between Episodes, Plot, Cover Art, Canon Divergence, Digital Art, Illustrations, In spite of the description Kirk features heavily in this novel Summary: In the wake of the kal-if-fee on Vulcan, Kirk is dead. When T’Pau tells Spock to live long and prosper, he knows he shall do neither. This is a story about men who love each other, and the lengths they will go to for one another. - Foolish, he thinks. I have been a fool. How he had wanted so desperately to prove his Vulcan side. How all his life it had felt like a performance, and yet, to be finally subject to the most Vulcan thing of all destroyed him. The stripping of logic. All sense torn from him. His carefully constructed barriers had collapsed like a flimsy house of cards. To be granted his wish this way was a type of mockery. How he had wanted to be fully Vulcan. To prove that the blood which runs through his veins was not so human. How wanting had been better than having. - This story is told in two parts across 25 chapters, and will be updated on Sundays.

[onwhatcaptain]

People have always, and will always write and make art about sex.

This has been a phenomenon since humans have existed, and it always will be. There's really no need to seek anyone to "blame," - as hyperbolic as the language used may have been intended, nobody writing about sex is doing anything wrong.

You also have it backwards. Whether or not it's something one cares about (and it's not my cup of tea, either, but I wouldn't call it wild or imply someone is out of their mind for writing it)- the "alpha/omega" people were, at least, in part, influenced by Star Trek, and not the other way around (see legacy section under Amok Time's Wikipedia page)

Now, to address the obsession with pon farr you are concerned about--you said in your edit to the first post:

"i understand nsfw spirk art but there’s a little (lot) more than porn to their relationship and i dislike the ppl who ONLY make sexual stuff (emphasis on ONLY) :(("

It's a bit of an oversimplification to suggest that anyone is only recognizing the potential eroticism of their relationship. I have never seen anyone exclusively portray the K/S relationship as purely sexual, ever, but even if that was all they cared about, it shouldn't bother others. Kirk/Spock, and in particular pon farr, which is essentially a blueprint for all M/M slash today, is about suggesting the exact opposite of what you say here.

Usually, explorations of slash (whether in art or writing) are about challenging gender and sexual norms, especially concerning the male identity. In most of the sensual or NSFW K/S art I've seen, the focus lands squarely on the emotional quality of their relationship and intimacy than anything else.

And the fascination with pon farr is not just because it's especially hot (although for most people in K/S fan spaces, it is!)--there are many reasons for this and it would take me a few hundred pages to expound upon it all, but for many, it's about vulnerability, and being given permission to openly express feelings. K and S are both limited by how much they can openly express their emotions (through their jobs, through their self-imposed rules of how they ought to be seen as men of their species or as leaders, etc.)--pon farr is often used as a vehicle for demonstrating the possibilities of desire, love, and need when emotional restraint is no longer possible.

Some of the most erotic portrayals of their relationship in have done the most to acknowledge the true depth and complexity of their relationship. But nobody requires any justification for making or enjoying NSFW K/S art, regardless.

what is it with spirk shippers and their obsession with pon farr?? like feel free to draw ur cute little spirk couple moments but i don’t need to see Spock going absolutely nuts for Jim because it’s mating season. some of y’all need horny jail for the horrendous things I’ve seen…

[onwhatcaptain]

Your latest chapter was so sad!!!!!!!! I love how you write, the arguing between mccoy and sarek was very in character

Hello, thank you so much!!! It was so fun (even if devastating) to write an extended interaction between them, and such an interesting contrast between McCoy's emotionalism and Sarek's stiff and often judgmental application of logic.

Sending you virtual hugs for all the sadness, hang in there!!!!

[onwhatcaptain]

@flippyspoon I really like these tags and I want to expand on them!

The wider implications of Spock doing such a thing are extremely interesting to me. And I also do like to think of it as an enormous overstep that would have consequences, rather than something Kirk wants him to do. We think of Kirk and Spock as soulmates (and they are)—but this doesn't make their relationship without conflict, or difficulty.

Spock is very used to suppressing and sublimating difficult emotions. For him, not having to feel his emotions is easier than dealing with them head-on, to the point where an ethical overstep might actually be preferable for him to confront.

In the fic I'm currently publishing, I wrote that it wasn't the first time Spock had done something like this without Kirk's awareness. (Saying so actually even made some reader on AO3 get mad about it, but I think that's a story for another day.) A lot of us think that Spock has a strict moral code, therefore he does not make mistakes or err in human ways. While the former is true, the latter is not. If Spock's moral code includes helping his closest friend (which it absolutely does), then he would believe that he had done the right thing for Kirk.

Many have also argued that he is not erasing the memory, but the pain, or dulling it. The simplest, most straightforward way to interpret the scene is that he's erasing the memory, so I'm sticking with that. It's canon that Spock thinks erasing the memory is an act of love—

MCCOY: [...] You see, I feel sorrier for you than I do for him because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures, the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know simply because the word love isn't written into your book. Goodnight, Spock. SPOCK: Goodnight, Doctor. MCCOY: I do wish he could forget her. (McCoy leaves. Spock goes over to Kirk and initiates a mind meld) SPOCK: Forget.

And I would argue this is an act of love. It absolutely is. But it's also Spock thinking he knows what's better for Jim. And maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But he doesn't actually give Kirk a choice, and that's where the overstep is. We see that in Star Trek V, Kirk considers his pain a really essential part of who he is, and wouldn’t want that changed:

KIRK: You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They're things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain.

Anyways, this is getting long, but the implications of such an overstep are worth exploring and I love to see fanon tackle those difficult moments in their relationship. In my own work I used it to talk about Spock's martyr-like tendencies, his self-directed hatred, his need to protect others from feeling pain, all while holding onto it himself:

But I think there are so many interesting ways to explore the deeper consequences of this for their relationship, because, for Spock at this stage in his life, it would be logical to believe that mistakes and difficult emotions, if they could be undone, should.

spock erasing kirk's memory in 3x19 while he's asleep has so much implications. Is this the first time he's done so? If not, then how many other memories of kirk has he erased because kirk expressed wanting to forget? Is kirk the only person he erases the memories of?

[onwhatcaptain]

I made this spirk-specific reaction photo of guy crying at table for everyone because I felt we didn't have enough pictures to express the absolute anguish these two cause us.

Please feel free to use it anywhere if it speaks to you! The original it was based on is below.

[onwhatcaptain]

It's been ages since I posted a snippet from my K/S novel, so I'm back with one from Chapter 15!

“Well, I haven’t even asked you anything yet, Doctor.” He snorts. “And for your sake, you probably shouldn’t.” They make a small expression of sympathy that he’s getting far too used to seeing and they walk in silence for a few moments. “I understand you’re going through a lot right now, but I have a responsibility to at least try and ask you questions, Doctor.” “And why’s that?” “Because this story deserves to be reported fairly and accurately, and your perspective on the matter is missing. I think you might have some valuable insight and I just want to understand. To shed light on the matter.” “And what exactly needs my input?” “Doctor McCoy,” they ask, “were Commander Spock and Captain Kirk merely colleagues and friends? Or was there something more?” McCoy stops in his tracks without turning to face them, nearly tripping on the gravel lining the path. “What?”

If you are curious, my fic "I Shall Do Neither" is here at AO3.

I Shall Do Neither (87406 words) by onwhatcaptain Chapters: 16/26 Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock Characters: James T. Kirk, Spock (Star Trek), Leonard "Bones" McCoy Additional Tags: Romance, Angst, Heavy Angst, Loss of Control, Psychological Trauma, Mutual Pining, Five Year Mission (Star Trek), Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Post-Episode: s02e05 Amok Time, Pon Farr, Pon Farr Aftermath (Star Trek), Unresolved Sexual Tension, Friendship, Grief, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sexual Tension, Sexual Content, Unreliable Narrator, Vulcan Biology, Tarsus IV (Star Trek), Vulcan Mind Melds, Non-Linear Narrative, Storytelling Through Vignettes, Missing Scenes Between Episodes, Plot, Cover Art, Canon Divergence, Digital Art, Illustrations, In spite of the description Kirk features heavily in this novel Summary: In the wake of the kal-if-fee on Vulcan, Kirk is dead. When T’Pau tells Spock to live long and prosper, he knows he shall do neither. This is a story about men who love each other, and the lengths they will go to for one another. - Foolish, he thinks. I have been a fool. How he had wanted so desperately to prove his Vulcan side. How all his life it had felt like a performance, and yet, to be finally subject to the most Vulcan thing of all destroyed him. The stripping of logic. All sense torn from him. His carefully constructed barriers had collapsed like a flimsy house of cards. To be granted his wish this way was a type of mockery. How he had wanted to be fully Vulcan. To prove that the blood which runs through his veins was not so human. How wanting had been better than having. - This story is told in two parts across 25 chapters, and will be updated on Sundays.

[onwhatcaptain]

I shall do neither is becoming my fav fic of all time 😭 you’re an amazing writer and I see how much effort you put into your work. You manage to pick exactly the right words and highlight the moments in the show that I always thought needed expanded on. It’s exactly what I’ve been looking for since finishing tos.

Wow, thank you so much, it's very kind of you to say that! Hearing this means more to me than you can know. There were so many moments in TOS I always wanted to know more about, moments where I had questions or wished we could see into the inner lives of these characters. It's been a genuine privilege to share my interpretations of these with everyone, and hearing this makes all the hours, days, and weeks spent totally worth it. I hope you continue to enjoy the fic. <3

[onwhatcaptain]

Can you recommend me some of your favorite spirk fics? I'm obsessed with yours

Hello, wonderful and fabulous person. First of all, I am so sorry that I just got to this! Second, reveal yourself so that I may smooch you. I have to admit that I am very guilty of finding not much time for reading, myself. Being so new to fannish spaces, I jumped right in with creating for hours on end every week, and almost never have time for reading as much as I'd like to and so much of the reading I have done is in physical zine format!

So if it's alright with you, I'll recommend you a mix of authors moreso than fics:

You can't go wrong with any of the works by @gunstreet (Here at AO3). Her storytelling is impeccable, and her propensity for writing their banter and wit is a delight. She has a great sense of who these characters are, down to their very souls. Check out The Promised Land and Let Forever Be.

Jenna Sinclair, who is one of the incredible people who defined K/S fanon, has written several novels. Her phrasing is masterful and it's no wonder she defined so much of how we think about K/S today. The first novel in the series is Sharing the Sunlight.

For something on the smuttier side, Amanda Warrington is delightful. AnnaKnitsSpock has some lovely works as well. If you like your sensuality punctuated with a delightful, campy strangeness about it, CampySpaceSlime is the one for you.

That, and I love zines. I love to flip through them, but so many of the stories in there are only in the zines themselves. But the good news is a ton of them have been archived here at AO3 and there are so many hidden gems waiting to be found. I'm a tragedy enjoyer as you might have noticed, and the angst in some of the older works really hits the spot. :)

I do hope I was at least some help to you, anon! Enjoy, and I do hope you find the fic of your dreams.

[onwhatcaptain]

It's crazy that this popped up on my dash! I just wanted to share because it's very, very relevant here. Although I've been a fan of TOS for years, I only joined fan spaces recently and I was surprised that nobody had ever explored the implications of that before, so I wrote a novel about it titled after that exact line, I Shall Do Neither.

Not enough people talking about how in amok time after Spock thought he killed Kirk he implied he was gonna kill himself ("live long and prosper" "I shall do neither") like. Hey Spock what was that. And it never comes up again

[onwhatcaptain]

Okay, this is hilarious, but I always thought it was McCoy's idea because he was already mid-prank, if you think about it:

jim: bones? what just happened, how am I alive?

mccoy: I played a prank on all of vulcan

jim: ...you did what

mccoy: everyone on vulcan thinks you're dead because I pranked them. it's probably going to be awkward when they find out, but that's a you problem. anywho, want to see spock lose his marbles when he realizes you're alive?

jim: do I EVER.

mccoy: it's funny because spock will be on the verge of a mental breakdown over what he's done

jim: hey bones what if we prank spock

mccoy: ... what

jim: yeah like you don't tell him i'm alive and then i 😜😝🤪

mccoy: jim, i don't think-

jim: it's funny because he thinks he killed me

mccoy: jim you have a concussion

jim: hey bones what if we prank spock i have such a good idea