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[open-diary9]

Tuesday, 13th of December 2022

LOOPED

It’s not the end? I don’t know. My ex-partner suddenly unblocked me, liked a video of my dog Juko (where he was obviously being deadly cute) and… added two pictures, which were taken by me in far places where we were during summer holidays. Both said accordingly ‘i miss you’ and ‘truly’, while the account description says ‘i wish you were here’. If not those 2 specific pictures, I could never tell if it relates to me or not, but since those pictures are so specific… and what should I do now? I was really convinced it was over and my partner moved on and I’m really shocked the partner did not. Have I moved on already? On simple questions like this I’m sure you’ll be able to answer once you know me, but since this is the 2nd day and the 2nd post I’ll have to answer, so you get the idea. No and I’ll probably never move on. Despite the toxicity of that relationship, many moments on the edge, lack of communication and many other flaws, I’ve never loved a person that much (the only creature that could compete is Juko) and I’ve never had so many special moments with anyone in particular.

What do I do now? My partner told me that there’s no future with me and it doesn’t hurt that much since I don’t see the future with them as well, but I’ve always done my best to convince myself and everyone around that far away into a future there IS something. If my partner really misses me then why wouldn’t I be messaged about it directly? Thinks I’d be bothered? Feels silly to change their mind after everything that happened? Those and other similar questions make me doubt if it’s really relating to me, but it is pretty obvious right?

As you can tell I’ve never been good at social contacts. They are just so confusing and absorbing! I’m that person that is last to know that someone tries to flirt or pick up. I need confrontation to learn that.

Should I message then? I’m totally clueless and yes, I know I’m overthinking it. I’m overthinking everything. That’s another fact about me. I'll probably message, I guess. 

What I’m more than sure of is that I will never stop loving them and never forget about them and I’ll never love someone as I loved them, which causes pretty adequate doubts concerning the legitimacy of a relationship I might get involved into in the future. How am I supposed to fall for someone new if I’ll be looking through the prism of my ex, knowing how much I loved them and stressing out feelings that have to match the past feelings? Right, it’s impossible to do it fair towards the next potential partner. I’d be ineptly lying to myself. Besides, I’m at a stage of life where I don’t really make new friends, therefore my chances for meeting someone worth falling for are drastically low. No, online dating is not for me. 

Yeah I’ve sent a message. Suddenly picture’s description from ‘i miss you’ changed to ‘i miss you, *location name*’. Great! I’ve made a fool out of myself, a desperate naive fool. I really had a great day thinking we might get together, but since that happened I’m feeling worse than I used to before whole this situation, more suicidal.

INVITATION

Two  days ago I’ve received an invitation to a Scout party celebrating Christmas Eve from the same people that had treated me poorly in the past. I’ve instantly contacted my friend who was mistreated too and they said they will attend, which shocked me to say the least since they were always way more assertive than anyone there. I don’t know if I’ll go. If I do it means to put on a mask once again. I don’t know why did they send it, there’s no reasonable explanation. Maybe beside one: they aren’t doing that great and they need to use someone’s experience and knowledge, but don’t worry I won’t let them, no matter if I’ll go or not. Fuck them. I don’t think I’ve got anything else to do so I might just go and see how they struggle, maybe make some fun out of them (in my mind obviously or with the friend I’ve mentioned above).

[open-diary9]

Monday, 12th of December 2022

BIRTHDAYs

Today it’s my birthday everyone! Yeah, great… but what does that mean? It means all of a sudden people who didn’t care if I’m alive remind themselves about my existence and put on a mask just to send some wishes either by a message or a call. I’m not a great fan of that, it’s just so fake, but maybe fake is what they like? I’ve really considered just turning my phone off for a couple of days whenever it’s my birthday so I wouldn’t be pressured or forced to face that bullshit. Why do they contact me on this iMpoRTAnT dAy if they were ghosts for the rest of 364(/365; depending on year) days? I think I prefer kind of people who forgot about me long time ago and don’t contact me even on special occasions like my birthday. They seem just more… consequent in what they’re doing.

GIFTs

Another thing - gifts. How do people manage to stay alive for so long whilst lacking self-consciousness? Why do they buy a gift without knowing what would I prefer? So much wasted cash by blindly buying stuff without knowing my needs, my taste. And once again I have to pretend it’s a great gift, I am so thankful and happy to get what I wanted! Thankfully enough my mum actually asked me this year what would I want. Just one person. Rest of gifts… waste I guess. Got some snacks I don’t like and I don’t eat (diet duh), clothes I won’t put on single time and other. Thankfully my aunt decided to smuggle some cash along with those horrible gift ideas. 

Some of you might think I should be more grateful than that, but I just don’t like to waste resources and those bad gifts are obviously rich in potential when it comes to being wasteful. 

CONFUSING QUESTION

Anyway, right after wishes my friend asked me how was I. This is one of the most confusing questions for me. What am I supposed to answer with? I’m so tired of putting on a brave face and pretending (and lying at the same time) I am all good, but at the same time do those people deserve my honesty? Do they deserve me uncovering my vulnerability? And while I’m thorn, not knowing what to respond with, the person asking awaits the answer at the very same time. Both options are bad, but I guess telling the truth the person that didn’t care for so long wouldn’t make a difference. The person that doesn’t care, won’t start caring only because I’m honest. Surely the answer to my lament would be something like ‘I’m sorry to hear this. I hope everything gets better for you!’, which obviously wouldn’t change anything. The only least horrible option is to remain with a mask on. One day I’ll leave this all behind. I’ll move somewhere where no one knows me, change my number, socials, maybe even name so they won’t be able to track me down. Just disappear so those fake people won’t bother me. 

I answered. I think I’m getting hang of it: 

‘All fine’ - mask put on

‘Christmas soon, so I’ll rest a bit’ - quick, situational distraction to lead away asker’s attention

‘Are you all good as well?’ - question forcing chat partner to drop topic concerning my well-being and focus on reply

It’s so easy to manipulate people and lie to them, but if it really is then why is it so exhausting?

GIFTs

Another thing - gifts. How do people manage to stay alive for so long whilst lacking self-consciousness? Why do they buy a gift without knowing what would I prefer? So much wasted cash by blindly buying stuff without knowing my needs, my taste. And once again I have to pretend it’s a great gift, I am so thankful and happy to get what I wanted! Thankfully enough my mum actually asked me this year what would I want. Just one person. Rest of gifts… waste I guess. Got some snacks I don’t like and I don’t eat (diet duh), clothes I won’t put on single time and other. Thankfully my aunt decided to smuggle some cash along with those horrible gift ideas. 

Some of you might think I should be more grateful than that, but I just don’t like to waste resources and those bad gifts are obviously rich in potential when it comes to being wasteful.