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Recently things have been going well. Like really, really well. There’s a post that has gone around for years now where someone mentions how they really didn’t expect to live past 25 and now that they’re there, they really have no idea what they’re doing. And I’m feeling that a lot recently and have been having a lot of thoughts around what success continues to look like moving forward and what makes me feel proud and fulfilled. I am incredibly goal oriented, and in my eating disorder that was obviously highly problematic, but it’s also been hugely beneficial in my recovery. Over the past 5 years, I have been able to build a life for myself that I really never imagined possible. I went from being in the hospital, no real desire to be alive, on food stamps, without a place to live, and working odd jobs to simply survive - to being mentally well, developing and mending relationships, to just recently being promoted into a senior level role, living very comfortably, and no longer living in the same level of fear that all of a sudden I could once again wind up with nothing and living on the streets of the city.

This is the place that I always aspired to get to. I never actually thought it was possible. I always thought I would be fighting or struggling to survive. But somehow, now, I am here. And I don’t know where to go or what to do from here. This is where my goals and dreams had ended. What I do know is that from here, I want to be able to now give even a fraction of the love and support I’ve received from others who helped me survive and put that back out into the world. I’m just not sure how to do that yet. I’m 27 years old - there’s a lot of life left to live. I am so grateful and proud of where I’ve come to. I just have no idea where to go from here and quarantine has been giving me way too much space to existentially crisis about this lol.

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Screaming y’all because I get my first dose of the COVID vaccine on Thursday! What an remarkable way to ring out 2020

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Honestly, one of my favorite things to do has always been lying on the bottom of a pool. It’s always felt safe and peaceful. We had a pool growing up, and it was always my favorite escape. Late summer nights were my favorite. I’d jump in on a dark, starry night and just lay on the bottom of the pool, staring back out at the stars. For real, some of my favorite memories...

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Have owned my car for just over one month - and just picked up my plates on Thursday - and today, I walk outside to move it (72hr parking rule), and saw that someone had done a hit and run. The damage isn’t terrible, but it’s not great and ugh whyyyy. 

I literally went outside to move my car as a BREAK from work since I knew I was going to be working until at least 8pm tonight...and then I saw that and just about lost my shit. Now, I still have work to do, and now I also have a cracked up car to top it off.

If everything could stop happening all the time, that would be great.

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I also broke up with my girlfriend because she wasn't taking the pandemic seriously - she worked in a place where most people thought this was a hoax, and no one enforced masks. She also lived with a roommate who worked in the same environment. I set the boundary that we couldn't see each other in person, and she couldn't respect that and couldn't understand why I thought it was a big deal. She told me she thought the risk was worth it - I told her I'm not willing to gamble with mine and other's lives.

As much as it was the right decision, I'm sad (but also honestly mad). It's hard just living by myself and living in my little four walls. With the short days and grey Seattle winter upon us (Though these past few days have been beautiful), I definitely feel myself falling into some depression. I'm doing everything I can to keep my head above water, but just like so many others are experiencing, it's hard.

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My coworker decided to fly to Hawaii over the weekend to work remotely from there for the next month and if he so much as suggests I move the time of any of my meetings to accommodate him, I'm going to be so mad. Honestly, I'm already mad that he thought that flying and traveling for personal pleasure during peak covid transmission was an acceptable thing to do. I'm so tired and angry at people not taking this seriously.

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Heartbroken to have had to say goodbye. Here are some of the good memories of Pumpkin - the cat who adopted us <3 

I will never know what made him choose us all those years ago, but I am endlessly grateful that he did. 

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2020 in review: january, february, march, march, march, march, march, april, mayjunejulyaugustseptemberoctober, november 1, november 2, november 3, november 3 part 2, november 3 part 3, november 3 part 

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As I get older I’m starting to let go of the guilty urge to build permanent habits. Like, a while ago I decided I would start jumping rope every day. I did it for like three weeks and felt good about it. Then I got bored, because of course I did, because I’m a human person. So now I do a bit of kickboxing because that’s what I like now. The other week I cut all sugar from my diet, just for a week, to challenge myself. Now I’m back to eating sweets but I don’t crave them as much.

Growth is about stretching, trying new things, and setting small, realistic goals for yourself, not picking a “good habit” you’ve decided you will be doing always and forever from now on. That’s not discipline. That’s pointless self-torture and unhealthy resistance to change.

What’s good for you today will not necessarily be what’s good for you tomorrow.

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COVID retail therapy of the week: A new car ahhhh

I’m so excited to convert the back into a camper/platform bed for all sorts of fun adventures - it’s going to be so freeing to have the option to do things especially now during the pandemic, but also even after things ease up a bit.

I’ve lived in Seattle for 5 years without a car, and my life has completely adapted to living without one and just getting by via my bike or public transportation or ride share or friends. That’s obviously changed during the pandemic, but even outside of that, I am so excited to see how it will open up other parts of my life in ways I don’t even know yet, just because I’ve gone so long without one. 

(It also heavily challenges my trauma response that “I’m just going to lose everything and live under a bridge at some point so I shouldn’t spend money on anything ever to prepare for that inevitability” so my therapist is a big fan haha)

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H still has to go into the office every day and I am really upset with how her place of work is handling the pandemic (and how employees there treat it). I am so nervous of getting sick given my heightened risk factors and it has come up multiple times now that we are soon going to just have to stop seeing each other in person because of how many people she interacts with throughout the day (many of whom refuse to wear masks). She’s been getting really frustrated about my push to distance more during this time, and I’ve been feeling guilty for my decisions, but also feel like I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to prioritize my own health. It’s just been hard...everything continues to be hard.

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Living in the PNW right now is like “is this dry cough COVID of wildfires?” And the answer to both is to stay inside.

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I keep watching the fire maps for the Holiday Farm fire and it is literally right across the river now from RainRock. All the clients and staff there are safe and were evacuated well before now - that is if course the most important. 

It is just so sad to watch all of the devastation and immense loss up and down the west coast. 

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“Has it ever struck you that life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quick you hardly catch it going?”

— Tennessee Williams, from The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore (New Directions, 1964)

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Just spent the weekend out camping with H - we spent the days hiking and the evenings by the fire and cuddling in a sleeping bag out in an open field watching the meteor shower. It was nothing short of absolute magic. My heart is so full.

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Just feeling very grateful for my body’s ability to carry me to magical places