ophelia-isla

[ophelia-isla]

My childhood home 

By Ophelia Islao  

Most people would say that their childhood home was their house they grew up in. But not me. I grew up with a bed that had wheels and machines that were connected to me and that would sometimes be deep in the middle of the night scaring me, with a nurse coming in to check on me every 2 hours. I grew up having lung issues. I was in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time.  

My dad panicked one night I could not breathe. With no hesitation he was in sweatpants and a black T-shirt, threw his shoes in the truck and took me in his arms, put me on the front seat of his green ford truck and drove to the children's hospital of El Paso. On dad arms, a man saw my dad carrying me into the ER and grabbed me from him. Take me in quick. Later another nurse came in, she looked young wearing a royal blue scrub, black sweater with a very high ponytail. I can tell she was panicking; she was very worried. She tried to put an iv on me but couldn't find my vein. She panics even more moving the needle in arm around in circles, hurting me a little. But was so used the process was not the first time me being here. I looked at her and with the little breath I had I told her “Try the vein on my hand”. She looked like she wanted to cry, and she got it. Then they place these white stickers with wire all over my chest area. And place a clear mask over my mouth and nose. “Big deep breathe honey” the girl from earlier tells me. She looked more calm relief that I was not dying.  They were able to control my breathing.  

The Dr. comes into the ER and my mom rushes in behind him. She was wearing a black suit with a neon pink shirt, probably coming from the dinner she had with her friends. They wheeled me into a very big room, the room had two bunk beds. I was going to have a shared room but due to my condition I couldn’t be around another sick kids.  I was just in my dad's arms as they changed my Bratz Pj into a hospital gown. I hated how they fit me always big, and blue nor white was not my favorite color. The dark blue wheelchairs were so big that probably two of me would fit and still have space, and a girl with beautiful long blond hair wheeled me towards the end of the hall. My dad was there standing with a man wearing light blue scrubs, they open the door it was an all-white room and in the middle was this big tube machine with a bed in it. They laid me there. “Hold still”, he tells me “I need a good picture of you.” I did as he says so. In goes to the bed I was laying into the big tube. It fell very tight in there and I was trying not to panic but I started to breathe heavily, then the machine started to spin all round me 5 seconds was in there when and I wanted to move so badly. I yelled “papa get me out por favor.” the mix of the panic and having my lung issue, I started to having short of breath. The male nurse calls the nurse who had taken to the room. She put an oxygen mask on me. She wheeled me down the empty hall back to my room.  A few days after they moved me rooms. 

I spent days in a room that had stickers of flowers on the walls trying to distract you from the fact that you are sick. Although I didn't have my usual toys and coloring books, spent the next 7 days watching tv. The tv in my room had Disney channel. Channel 66. Back at home we didn't have luxury to have a tv’s in each room, only one tv in the living room with the news channel always on.  The tv was perfectly place in front of my bed. 

 A knock was at the door, it was my mom's friends bringing toys and coloring books. I didn’t realize how close we were to Christmas until my mom’s friend’s gift bag was a Santa Claus putting gifts under the tree. With a purple ballon that said, “best wishes.” 3 days later came around. I was still in the hospital and Christmas was 2 days away. I got sad because my mom loved Christmas and if I did get better in time, she was going to miss Christmas with my other two siblings. They were underage so they could not go into the hospital room. At the end of my room there was a window, I would sometimes go near and stare outside. I saw the snow fall very slowly hitting the ground and kids playing outside with their family and friends, throwing the snow at each other, running away from each other.  I couldn't do that at least not another 2 more week for my lung to get strong. It wasn’t so bad at the end because Santa came to see me at the hospital along with some police officers that gave me some gifts. Although it was fun, I wanted to go home. My iv was on the right side of my hand. As always been a crazy sleeper I would move a lot. I didn't know moved so much for even the needle of my iv to get pulled out as I slept. I woke up with a puddle of water on me. My mom noticed and called the nurse. She told me “Going to hold off on putting another one needle in your hand” My dr. comes in as if he was an angel coming in. He told us “You are free to go home but stay off the cold weather and no heavy exercise at school. You still need your rest, but you can get that from home.” My mom was over the moon after a week and half I was finally going home. 

 I wish I could say that was the only time I was in the hospital, but I was there 6 times in 4 years.  After turning 12 I was good and never had to go back for this issue. But being in that environment made me realize I did not want to be Dr or nurse; I was so over being in hospital. Even though i was not in hospital much I was still going to the Dr for checkups where they had me in a room full of stickers with Disney princesses and Disney characters that became also one of my homes. Dr. Canales office and Children's hospital of El paso were my childhood homes.  

[ophelia-isla]

Ghost  

Your ghost haunts me. 

Every time I pass by downtown  

Every time I see the Paseo del Norte hotel, where you took me to the 1700 steakhouse.  

Every time I go by the playground across from my house where we share our first kiss under the streetlight. 

Every time my phone rings  

Your ghost haunts me. 

The silent that echoes in my room  

The silence coming from your end of the phone is so loud 

Why had you stopped? 

Perhaps I wasn’t pretty enough? 

Perhaps I wasn't smart enough? 

Perhaps my voice was too loud? 

Perhaps it was me wanting to hear your voice one more time? 

Perhaps someone else took you to cloud 9? 

Perhaps you got annoyed at the fact that I wanted a proper goodbye? 

Your ghost haunts me  

My heart aches like I knew you over years.  

My heart aches like I lost the love of my life. 

My heart aches when I see your name. 

My heart aches like if you had died.  

Grieving over my loss of you.  

How can a person be alive in the world but dead in my story? 

I can't help but wonder “what if”. 

I wonder every time when the sun goes down, 

And every time it comes back up. 

The “what if” you left me with, haunting me.  

Maybe your silence was the closure I needed from you. 

Your ghost is haunting me 

By Ophelia Islao