ophiocorvidceps

[ophiocorvidceps]

You know what’s stupid, and idiotic, and embarrassing

I was sexually abused as a kid. It’s not something I’m comfortable talking about, or thinking about, and I had a long-ass time of dealing with the re-traumatization by going haywire and trying to fuck over my life bc I didn’t know how else to handle it. I still don’t know how to handle it, so I just don’t talk about it now, and pretend it didn’t happen.

But because of this discomfort, and fear, around other people that I have, I latch onto fictional characters. Not in a way that I want to, in a way that’s embarrassing because all this love and affection and camaraderie and comfort I want I can’t show to people, but I can show to a fictional thing. I can have this relationship, in my mind, that is fulfilling in all the ways that I’m unable to experience in a real life situation, because this fictional character will not corner me. This fictional character will not pin me to a wall. This fictional character will not threaten me, that if I don’t do what they say, they will hurt me. This fictional character will not hold me down, and do what they want with me. Unless I will that into existence, I have the exact kind of relationship I want without any semblance of fear that the free will that real people have will kick in and cause them to hurt me.

So that kind’ve makes sense, in my mind. And I know it’s unhealthy to project so much onto fictional characters - they’re fictional, after all, and there are bound to be hundreds, thousands of people all attracted to the same character at any given moment. And, for the most part, I’m okay with that.

And, at the end of the day, I want to be always okay with that.

I’ve never been proud of how much it hurts me to “share” characters. It’s not something I want for myself. It’s not something I want other people to have to experience. i don’t want people to have to walk on eggshells around me because they’re scared of disrupting my weird reliance on a not-at-all-real bond with some character that they might, too, like.

But it’s the only way I’ve coped with my csa up until now, and it’s the only way I know how to cope. I don’t know how to go about trusting people. When people you DID trust are the ones that hurt you in the first place, you don’t know where to place that trust. And who’s to say that that trust will never change? There’s nothing set in stone that means that people will always act in a manner you suspect. There’s nothing that says that someone is, 100% entirely guaranteed to never hurt you.

So it hurts when I see certain fictional characters, that I’ve spent so long projecting these traumas and fears and anguish onto, who I’ve built this emotional reliance upon, be depicted in ways that differ from my own mental image. It physically hurts me, to the point of frequently throwing up, when I see depictions of some characters like that. Which is why I don’t refer to my favs as my CCs - a fav is someone I like, a CC is someone I am emotionally reliant upon.

And I know it’s stupid. And I know it’s irrational. And I know it’s embarrassing.

I just wish that people would understand instead of telling me to grow up, get a spine, asking what’s wrong with me, etc. etc. And I wish I could share my love with people who feel the same way. 

[ophiocorvidceps]

while my depression/anxiety has been getting better my ocd... not really

i feel stagnant and i want out

im just itching to uphaul everything and rebirth myself and run away from everything i know and while ive started slowly moving out ive been holding off bc apparently its hurt people in the past and i dont want to hurt people but both a. the assumption that anyone would give a shit? sounds fake and b. ive actually started spending time with people so this might just be a natural response towards my discomfort around being known

idk

i wanna yeet myself into the sun not bc im depressed but bc i’m itching to be someone else already

maybe its time to shave off all my hair i need to be. impulsive

[ophiocorvidceps]

like idk everyones entitled to a bit of whinging, a bit of bitching, a bit of upset, but to consistently just be a petty brat like.. at some point you have to look at yourself, and your age, and grow up

[ophiocorvidceps]

you ever dislike someone so much that you dont want them to have anything that makes them happy

like “you are not a good person. you are not a kind person.  you are a rude, snarky, selfish brat of a child and you don’t deserve this.”

[ophiocorvidceps]

protip: paint ur nails ur boyfriends fav colour to immediately increase adoration output by 1200%

[ophiocorvidceps]

[ophiocorvidceps]

its always hard when you realize someone doesn’t love you anywhere near as much as they say they do

[ophiocorvidceps]

here instead of main because i KNOW someone will take it the wrong way but i wanna vent

im even tired of going on 4chan bc while i always though tthe “4chan culture” of being as racist and awful as you could be was awful, the whole “X SAID TRANS RIGHTS” spam in every topic is also annoying and neither contribute to conversation and ALSO the people spamming that in vins streams is 99% the reason why i never watch him live. bc even though i agree with the sentiment i think trans rights are incredibly important! i am Sick and tired of every conversation having to come down to lgbt rights, racism, sexism, etc. etc. and it CLEARLY makes peoople uncomfortable. it CLEARLY makes vinny uncomfortable to have to handle political discussion thrown at him out of the left field because he’s just some 30 year old lad who watns to play video games and talk about beetlejuice honking his cock. i think throwing any sort of political comments at him or his stream (regardless of if i agree with them or not) is a dick move

being reminded every day that there are people out there that want to hurt me based off my age, my sex, my identity, my orientation? terrifying! uncomfortable! sometimes i just want to lay in bed and stare at the roof and think about the cure i dont wanna think about that shit!!

anyway i wanna browse 4chan in peace without seeing people turn a thread on “which brand of baked beans is your favourite” into an argument about lgbt rights again and again and again and thats a BIG reason why i’m so fuckin tired of reddit

i dont know how the climate has changed in america As A Dumb Australian but i can tell that the internet spaces i’ve inhabited have changed DRASTICALLY since the 2016 election; both sides are getting further apart from the centre, and louder and more OTT than before

i wouldnt even remotely call myself a centrist either, and i think taking a “both sides have their ups and downs :)” stance is kind’ve a pussy move, i would strongly consider myself a democratic socialist, or a ~*left-leaning libertarian*~ (as dumb as people call me for that!) but like some of the people on these sites are nuts. someone legitimately stated that adolf hitler was a better person than donald trump. adolf fucking hitler. and this is like ??? this is libertarianism?? this is “the left”?? i dont wanna be part of that!! they’re both awful people but its not a contest... but then theres people on the other side who Proudly spout racist comments about how “america is for the WHITE MAN and the WHITE MAN only!!! go back to your own home!! we’re just keepin our land pure...” and think that THATS okay either?? good lord

i just hate this political climate so much i’m so exhausted i just want to love everyone and be loved i want everyone to feel safe and comfortable in this world i want everyone to have equal rights but also: a bitch needs to take a break from the internet. a bitch needs to close out of everything, lay in the back yard and smell some goddamn flowers and forget about this war raging on online

[ophiocorvidceps]

on the bright side my cat just hopped up next to me on my bed, curled in a little ball touching me, and rolled upside down and started snoring

cant do anything dumb when this little moron loves me so much

edit: also my simself is marrying the highly attractive agender mage so im gonna have to see that through and also adopt with them bc wow i’m in love with them

[ophiocorvidceps]

on another note i really just wanna take dads gun and blow my brain out but i dont wanna upset my friends/family

been the only thing keeping me here for years but that threads gotta run out eventually, and maybe (hopefully) when it runs out again i wont have something else to latch onto like a new season of bojack, which is what usually keeps me around

dunno if watching videos of people dying helps or not but at least it gets me to look at what they’ll see a bit more realistically

[ophiocorvidceps]

i wish i was one of those procrastinators that at least did stuff that made me happy like: gardening, cooking, getting up to date with the shows i want to watch...

but instead im the awful, awful kind of procrastinator who skips out on class because they’re depressed and stressed/scared and spends literally two hours solid just staring at the ceiling thinking about morgyn and romani bc real life sucks too hard 

[ophiocorvidceps]

wonder how many people are gonna screenshot this blog and laugh about it with their friends

[ophiocorvidceps]

does everyone go through life constantly being reminded that the only reason they have any friends at all, the only reason anyone even talks to them, is bc youre annoying and its fun to tease you. fun to make you think they care because its funnier that way when you find out they dont care at all. 

its real funny to get someone to care about you so deeply and then just throw them to the curb every chance you get because they’re annoying and pathetic isnt it

[ophiocorvidceps]

i am soooooo fucking sick of chasing after people and getting absolutely nothing lol im out! im done!! “why do u drop people” bc of shit like this bro!!!

[ophiocorvidceps]

[ophiocorvidceps]

me: *worries that I’m Evil and Manipulative and tries very hard every day to be a good person*

me: oh my god

me: I’m manipulating people into thinking I’m good

[ophiocorvidceps]

hope the people im not friends with any more are havin a good day these meds are fire ive never felt so relaxed

its hard to think about just how scared you usually are of everything, how paranoid, how everything feels like youre going to hurt you, how you open up way too fast and spend your time beating yourself up mentally bc of regret and disgust at yourself and your own self-loathing comes out in avoidance behaviours, how the way people looking you in the eyes reminds you of trauma but ur too scared to admit that so u just shut down

hard to think about all that, realize youve spent your entire life dealing with this in any way you can, and then finding something new and realizing. wow it really doesnt have to be like this

i think ill always be scared i think ill always be uncomfortable of people and closed off and skittish bc trauma doesn’t just Go with a magic pill but it’s nice to be able to love again instead of live in perpetual fear