oppossumposse

[oppossumposse]

does a backflip over your post and shoots at it with dual pistols in midair before continuing to scroll

[oppossumposse]

I mean you've threatened to kill me a bunch of times. You once told me you were gonna drown me in a river like a kangaroo.

[warm laugh of fond reminiscence] I did do that

[oppossumposse]

In a toxic yaoi relationship with my sentient weapon

­

[oppossumposse]

[oppossumposse]

[plants a sword in the ground in front of you after destroying your village] i like the look of hate in your eyes. take this and grow into a fine quarry for my hunt

[oppossumposse]

hi im the busty energy weapons operator. they dont jiggle at all because theres no recoil and everyone hates me for it.

[oppossumposse]

every time you call a bestiary a monster manual I feed another owlbear into one of those chicken mulching machines

[oppossumposse]

Even Weird Al has had that™ experience with Tony Hawk

[oppossumposse]

[oppossumposse]

jack of all trades, master also of all those trades. no prablem 👌

[oppossumposse]

[oppossumposse]

fighting the problematic stereotype of 'only the bad guys are weird sex perverts' by making the good-hearted protagonist an even weirder sex pervert

[oppossumposse]

kyaaaa I'm late to vampire school *runs out while holding a dude by the neck in my mouth*

[oppossumposse]

hey man idk what you did but the orc king is asking for you..

so did he look like more angry or sexually areoused…

[oppossumposse]

dude omg i did NOT “come back wrong” you just remember me as imperfect and now i’m a divinely elevated version of myself with no capacity for wrongdoing. i’m still me dude i’m literally the same basically *all electronics within three feet of me explode* sorry i mean i meant to do that

[oppossumposse]

well yeah i have a pet hydra and it only has one head. i'm not going to cut its head off just to make it look cooler, you asshole. that's seriously unethical. and i'm not letting you cut its head off either. if you really want a hydra with multiple heads, you should go for a rescue- but if you want your pet to look cooler at the cost of its physical health, maybe you shouldn't get any kind of pet at all. no, the hydra's not for guarding my evil tower, it's my pet. have you ever heard of a pet? like a puppy or a kitty? you think i can't defend my evil tower by my self?

[oppossumposse]

Blood test results are back. 0’s across the board, dry as a bone under the hood, they’re not sure what they’ve got in those vials but it recoils from light and lunges towards living tissue, which is all normal for girls these days.