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optimisticcrab-blog · 4 years

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Journal Entry #1

Wednesday, April 15th, 2020

Time: 10:15 p.m.

location: home

That feeling is creeping up again. That feeling of dread and loneliness. I’ve been trying so hard to stay away from that part of my brain of which I’ve been trying to improve on. I am so susceptible to overthinking, low self esteem, and compromised self worth. Maybe it’s just the crazy circumstances the world has fallen into or maybe its my mental health dragging me down into the cold abyss once again. I haven’t taken any medication or even gone to a therapist for the better part of 3 years and it’s really starting to take a tole on me again.

For a while, had attached my self worth to my ability to make other people happy, being there for other people, and what other people have thought of me (family, friends, lovers, potentials).

Once I started school, my self confidence started to build. But toxic scenarios kept popping up, scenarios where i had to hold my tongue, scenario where my literal life was put in danger. I blame myself a lot though. I can’t complain that I’m surrounded by clowns when I’m the one knowingly walking into a circus.

I’m proud to say that I removed myself from that toxic relationship...but what really worries me is even after being out of that situation for 4 and a half months...I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. The dichotomy of which i call my fucking life.

I hate being alone.

but I’m terrified of being vulnerable again...I’m so fucking scared.

I feel selfish when I want attention, I feel like a burden, like a distraction. I always ask how people are and always checking up on the people I love and care about.. and I love doing that.. but is it selfish to expect it back? I think it is..

I found myself seeking validation from random strangers i would meet online. I felt powerful, i felt like i was on top of the world when a handsome man would tell me im beautiful. It was a rush, It’s a high.

A few months of that high, it wasn't doing anything for me anymore... I crave affection. Like genuine true connection affection. I check for notifications on my phone that i damn well know didnt ring.. I’m being so toxic to myself. I don’t know how to pull myself out. No, scratch that.. I do. I really do. It’s “to focus on myself and let love come to me” and “dont need to focus on relationships” blah blah blah...

I know. I KNOW.

It’s just.. I feel the people I care about drift away. and i know its just in my head.

welp. xoxo

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