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News fucking flash from 4 years in the future. He’s gone, and you’re with a dude who treats you like how you’ve always wanted to be treated. I JUST read through all of my “entries”, and oh my god I’m so whiny. With good reason, I never had a proper outlet. Also, to quote “idk why I’m still with him” it’s because he was a narcissist, and had you under his strings. There was much more going on behind what I wrote, such as things I do not feel comfortable typing. Ive matured significantly, and I’ve even gotten my life together. Tomorrow’s my first therapy appointment in 2 years and some change, so this is why I read through all of these. So I can give my therapist and accurate reading of how things were. Anyways, I’m out. I don’t know if I’ll post again here. I’m so much happier with life, life is beautiful.
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If I crash, know that it was either on purpose, or that I was too distracted thinking about how my boyfriend has been cheating on me during the two years of our relationship
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Maybe I should tell my friend this, just to get it out of my chest. But what purpose would that serve? Like "hey sorry I'm short-handed when you talk about your two crushes, I'm just jealous bc I want my bf to look at me as you do to them"
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I'm jealous of my friend's new crush, not for the reason you think. I want my bf to fawn over me like my friend does to his (two) crushes. I want to to oggled at and praised with every fiber he has. I want to feel wanted, and I want to feel like I mean something to him.
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I really need friends. Him planning holiday events that he doesn't invite me to? Haha, that hurts my guy. Half of them are just regular fun events I get to miss out on, I don't bother with asking anymore. Feels bad, feel like dying. I hope I get a good friend who treats me like a bf would to a gf. I miss having to not be the one that initiates physical contact, any type. I can't even begin on my essay due to how fucking depressed he makes me.
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Well, I got 30 minutes to get dressed and put on some eyeliner, then I'm out :/ I hope I get to make some friends, if I survive the drive
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I hope I get ran over, or run off the road. No one has said that they're happy for me, smiled, or even acknowledged that I've finally started college. No one. What's the point in trying to be recognized, trying to be noticed through my efforts if no one sees them in the end. I'm still gonna go to my first day, but I'm totally okay with crashing and dying on impact. This world isn't meant for me, I know that. So I'm just gonna have to take myself to the next and see if that's a good fit.
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You know what?
I think I'm just going to cry myself to sleep. That solves everything ahah
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I've recently learned that if someone screams at me out of the blue, I immediately start crying.
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How much would it be if I admitted myself into a ward? Thousands? Just so I can not kill myself? Oh yes dear, we care about you we really do. Happen to have 5,000 on you? :)
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No one is innocent. Not you. Not me. Not your neighbor. Not even the person you love is innocent. They all cheat. Lie. Thieve. They steal hearts, souls, and spirit's of their crestfallen prey. I'm a victim. I'm a victim and they do not feel sorry for the atrocities they have done. The molestation that man kind have brought down to the youngs.
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In 5 minutes I can have the rope. In 5 minutes I can tie the knot. In 5 minutes I can write my note. In 5 minutes I can be gone to the world. Gone to my friends. Gone to my family. Gone to my cats back at the ranch. Gone to my art. Gone to my bed. Gone to the pain. Gone. Gone to the world. Maybe this is goodbye.
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I could hang myself in my closet, the bar is sturdy enough to support my weight. Just need some rope, but my natural, human instincts are pulling me away from finally ending it. All of the trauma, screaming, crying in closets, torment, cigarette ashes, and hospital beds could be all gone. All of my endless thoughts of emptiness could be filled with the purest form of euphoria. No more god-complexes, no more of the stench of leach's sweat, no more sounds, no more fighting, no more trust issues, no more doubt, no more financial worries. No more. I could drive there to purchase the rope. God it's just so easy. It's RIGHT there. No one believed me when I recently told them of my suicidal thoughts. No one. Absolutely no one batted an eye or showed a glimmer of care when I, for the last time, opened up my vulnerable carcass to them. Is this goodbye?
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Does is it really matter if I die? I have no children, no life savings, and no memorable accomplishments. I would be just a speck of sand on the shore, being pushed around the bullying waves of pure depression. I'm insignificant, just as the waves are telling me. Inland. Outland. Inland. Outland.
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Why am I the only one who cares about everyone? And that I actively show it? Why can't everyone be loyal in their relationship? Honest? True? Loving? Why. Why do I have to suffer. Why does this pain continue? He won't care if I kill myself, after all, he said he wouldn't care if I cut. By word. Why am I still with this fucking person? He's no man.
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