orphantheism

[orphantheism]

Thursday 29th May, 2025

The bridge isn't burning, but I'm walking away from it. You apologised in two words, then spent the rest of the paragraph talking about yourself. About how important it is that you have a support system, that you have your friends by your side – why are you reaching out to me then? You're friends with my best friend, I'm just an add-on. A component to the person you actually spent time and effort to get to know. It's probably because I have nothing substantial to offer you. All I'm good for is emotional support and a fun time. I can't give you anything you can't find in the mirror or in the top drawer of your bedside table.

[orphantheism]

Tuesday 27th May, 2025

I know you have a girlfriend. You became Facebook official two months after you sent me a "what are we?" message. She has my name and my body type, I just wear it better. You've been together for five years. You moved to a different city with her. Yet I've never seen another person in your bed. I've never seen you speak to anyone in your house. You ignore me every time I mention that you have a girlfriend. Her profile picture is you two together. She hasn't changed it in years. You insist that I slid into your DMs first (I probably did, but you were single back then) and that you bragged to your friends about it. I watched your face through my phone screen as you contemplated what could have been. I watch your face tonight as you tempt me to undress so you can touch yourself to my body. You're used to getting every girl you want, but you were slow with me. You never sent me a text asking to meet up or go out. You were tripping over yourself. You were flirting with me up until the day you became official. She has my name and my body, I just wouldn't give you mine. We talked for hours on the phone today, but then my best friend joined the call, and you went silent. We were just talking about work and our lives. It was innocent, but you stopped when my best friend came on. You only flirt with me these days. You made him feel like a third wheel. When we were flirting, both curled up in our beds, we joked about you jacking off, then he came back, and you put your pants back on. I know you want me. You know I want you. I have deliberately not been subtle about it. I don't want to be the other girl, I want to be your only girl. We can have sex, sure, but if you even utter her name after that...not that you've ever uttered it around me. I told you yesterday that I only stopped messaging you because you got a girlfriend, and I watched the contemplation wash over your complex completion. Why are you out every night? Why do you want to come back to the North Island so badly? Why did you talk endlessly to me about wanting to be in driving distance of Wellington, but now that my friend is asking you to move back to Wellington, you've stopped talking about it? Why do we fall so easily back into this? Why is it like nothing ever changed? Why do I feel a magnetic attraction to you that I keep trying to resist, only to find myself falling headfirst into you like I dont even have a choice? Because I don't. You're the man of my dreams, not just my fantasies, but am I just a wet dream to you? You make me feel so fucking good. I want you in the way I want to breathe. I don't have a choice, and if I did, it wouldn't be this. I cant avoid you. I've tried since I was 13, I cant avoid you. We keep falling back into this rhythm. I don't know if it's healthy and I don't think I care if it's healthy or not. I want to die with you. I want to keep your eyes in my life until mine close. I've always been a romantic, and maybe thats the greatest sin of them all. Pray for me, don't pray for me, either way I want you on your knees for me.

[orphantheism]

Sunday 25th May, 2025

Why does accepting that I'm a trans man feel like taking a hammer to a statue of Aphrodite? I'm a hot girl, I'm a pretty girl, I'm a beautiful girl, but I'm...I'm not a girl.

[orphantheism]

Saturday 24th May, 2025

Why did it sister have to pick one of my depression seasons to get married? I should be so happy for her, but I haven't slept since noon yesterday and my eyes are blood shot and I'm chewing my cheeks and lips like it's the only thing keeping me from crying (because it is) and her bachelorette party is two hours away. I want to be happy for her. I want so badly to be happy, period, but I don't even know if I can say I'm going through the motions anymore. My brain is fucked. I wish I could put it aside for one night, but my brain is fucked. It keeps trying to tell me that she only wants me there because I'm her sister, that I'm only a bridesmaid because I have to be. I wasn't good enough to be a maid of honour so it feels like a formality. She said one is her best friend and the other was...there. Does she even like me? I don't know what to believe or think or trust anymore. I'm choosing to ignore those thoughts until after the wedding. I'll tell you all about how that goes, I'm sure. the wedding and the sanitity hanging by a fraying rope over an alligator pit.

Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it

It was fun being out with the girlies (and Cam and Ryan.) I haven't seen Ryan since 2021 so it was refreshing to see him again and talk about his cat and his new flat and singing along to My Chemical Romance is always the quickest way to my heart. Well, singing along to Fall Out Boy is slightly faster, but that's besides the point

[orphantheism]

Wednesday 21st May, 2025

I used to love taking photos and zooming in on my eyes to see the swirls of colour, so uniquely me and such a beautiful window into my soul. Now, all I see is organic matter. I can't explain it without sounding like a walking cliche. Maybe I am just a walking cliche. it's like I can see every fibre, and I know how...organic it is, I get flashbacks to directing eyes in science class. I'm not different from that cow. I'm not different from any animal. We're all just animals. We're all made of stardust and mountains of bullshit.

I think that I used to get drunk to sublimate the sexual desires. I wanted sex. I wanted to be cool. So I would drink because that's the only thing that ever quells the anxiety and self-hatred. Everyone loves a drunk girl.

[orphantheism]

Monday 19th May, 2025

125/85, i think I'm dying

I can't get over the symbolism of my guitars being trapped behind piles of laundry. I'm far too lazy and far too heartbroken to take care of.

I'm tired of people explaining social cues to me like i don't understand them. I get it. I got it. I just don't care anymore about accommodating people who have never accommodated me. I would say I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but like I said, I simply don't care.

[orphantheism]

Sunday 18th May, 2025

I can't process a word that's being said on the television. I can hear it. The words are getting into my head straight into the meat grinder. I've been zoning out more lately. Disassociating. Whatever you want to call it. I had an asthma attack yesterday, though I'm not diagnosed with asthma. I was wheezing I couldn't breathe. I don't know if I joked about having two or if I did. I was too high out of my mind. I don't remember a thing before this moment. If I try really hard, I can see glances, passing moments stuck to the glaze over my eyes, but that's all they are and all I will ever be.

[orphantheism]

Saturday 17th May, 2025

I know you're excited about the wedding and starting a family, but it's my birthday lunch, and I can't get a word in edge wise. I want to talk to our dad. I know you fought the neglect by begging and clawing for attention, but I dealt with it by crawling inside of myself. you're talking about naming your kid Joseph because that's what our dad was going to call me - can't i have one thing to myself? you have two maids of honour, and neither of them are me, your sister, your only sister, so no, i dont really want to chase them up about your hen do. if they dont want to tell me where to go and at what time, then i won't be there. then I get home and everything is fine because I can vent to my friends about you. I make a dumb joke about needing to have an emotional support 'J name,' and my best friend says, "Guess I'll die." Like God forbid, I make a joke. God forbid i don't talk about you 24/7. God forbid i have friends who aren't you. I'm sure it's not your intention, I know its not, but fuck it I've had enough today. let me be selfish. let me talk about myself. let me be the centre of attention for 1 moment.

every issue in my life comes from trying to be quiet and complacent. usually, I write because my thoughts are too fast for my mouth to keep up with, but now even my thumbs move too slow. my thoughts are racing so hard I can't even focus on anything else. I love my sister. I just wish she wasn't so used to not having to earn my love. I just want to be considered. I just want to be considered.

[orphantheism]

Friday 16th May, 2025

I touch myself to the thought of your hand brushing my thigh. I'm so totally cooked.

[orphantheism]

Thursday 15th May, 2025

i feel so small in the shadows of these churches. the frequency of your voice is just something I can't deal with. I wish I could. you're just so loud, and my ear drums are so weak. I feel like im going to break down crying every time the beat changes. the bass drum sounds like internal bruising. I dont feel in control of my actions. I'm living life in third person. no amount of nicotine can steady my hand. I need something stronger. I'm not made to be awake during the day. I'm nocturnal. I want to crawl out of my skin and find a better home. one without as many cracks and creaks and leaks. you got sick your second week of full-time work and the government won't give you money to pay rent. you're not made for capitalism. your beautiful bones and beautiful brain weren't made for this. but you do it anyway because the capitalist grindset is all you know. what has working ever got anyone? all my idols didn't go to college or dropped out. no one ever made history working minimum wage. I'm doomed to be small text in a newspaper no one will ever read. mercy killings don't make headlines. I won't be a martyr because I'll finish the job before my adversaries get the chance. the only thing i know is that i will not be missed. these dark thoughts are a dark cloud over my head that stays with me even when my eyes are all blown out and glimmering from the toxins in my skull. homegrown, artificially inseminated, what's the difference? It's all man made in the end if you catch my drift. I speak too often in the voice of someone else. I haven't seen myself in ten years. if I passed that girl in the street, would I even recognise her? does she respond to her own name anymore? not the one her parents gave her, but that secret name she only calls herself? she's not me. I stole her vessel and peddle it for pleasure and medication, and therapists who think writing shit down takes away the pain. it doesn't, by the way, for what it's worth. I've been writing my thoughts down since I learned how to hold a pen, but nothing helps. it never feels like blood letting. the pain found a home in my rib cage when I was seven, and it hasn't left me since. my baseline is total numbness. running hands under hot water to try and feel something. the gravestones look like rows of seats at concerts you went to when you had the money to feel alive. I'm not an easy person to love, but I'm even harder to hate.

[orphantheism]

Wednesday 7th May, 2025

I haven't jacked off in two weeks. I mean, I just did, but before that. Tonight I just did it to do it but I haven't felt the urge to. The whole time...I haven't been a whore, I just had too much testosterone and now that I have an IUD im "normal"? I also got over a break up in one day. I'm sure I'm not 100% mentally healthy but fuck i feel great! and not in a concerning manic way!

[orphantheism]

I’m not asking for much. Just someone who’ll kiss me like I’m a prayer and ruin me like I’m their last sin

[orphantheism]

When did it happen? When the taste of cigarettes you never smoked become familiar? When the burning rage started to warm your heart? When the rubble ment to choke you starts to feel like home? When the voice in your head, trying to kill you, started to whisper so sweetly? Under neon lights, kneeling in blood and muck, you reach for a steel hand that's not even there.... hoping it can take you into it's loving arms. When did it happen? When your mind was no longer fully you? When he knows you better than you know yourself. And you to him. When did a voice of destruction begin to open its dead, stagnant heart to you? And when did you take it close to your own? However it happened, it has. And if your hand is unsteady, his will be sure. When his steps falter, yours push onward. A cage of souls, a palace of data, a tower of sins..... You have a city to burn.

[orphantheism]

Sunday 4th May, 2025

I kinda hoped you would've said something. That i would've opened my phone when I woke up to...something. I would've settled for you leaving me on read, anything to acknowledge that you cared enough to listen to me. I had to like one of your Facebook posts to get you to acknowledge me.

you said we don't work well together. you said you enjoy spending time with me but that you don't want to pursue a romantic connection because you never hear from me. you gave me. the flu. and bv. you didn't hear from me because I was not awake. i can't be poetic right now, I said all of the things I needed to say over a WhatsApp message, everything else is just bitterness, all I needed to say was

"At the end of the day you'll just be another name I'll use as inspiration to write another poem that wins me another national award, and I can find peace in that."

I got so caught up in the pain I forgot that I'm a bad bitch and you're a 30 year old white cishet guy packing a strong 4.5 inches who believes in alien conspiracy theories and got jealous I was talking to a guy who has a girlfriend and looks like a Christchurch gerard way.

Against the Kitchen Floor isn't actually the right song (re: insta story) I think it's actually Sober by FIDLAR emphasis on the expecting everyone to be on your schedule.

Sorry for having a life, sorry for caring about my health, sorry I have a chronic illness, thanks for the inspiration.

Can't wait for you to be a line in a song.

Can't wait for this whole city to scream how much it hates you.

[orphantheism]

Saturday 3rd May, 2025

I'm already thinking about the Instagram story post to tell my friends it didn't work out. I'm always planning my next breakdown. scheduling it into calenders and circling the date- pity party or self indulgent wake?

"Hey

Can we talk"

My brain jumps to conclusions just as quick as I jumped into you. I thought you were the one. you still might be but I don't know how to convince you to stay if you want to leave. all my friends love you. you're the only person who doesn't make me feel bottom shelf.

"I'm hanging with my friend atm but can message."

I try to distract myself but when you surround yourself with starving artists, your heart is quick to rush to sadness even when there's only love in the air. I didn't stay with you until you fell asleep because it was comfortable. my neck and my shoulder hurt so badly I wanted to rip them out of me but I stayed until you fell asleep because I love you. I stayed. I love you. I love you. I love you. words i cant say outloud, im afraid youll leave like everyone else. your heartbeat makes me feel alive. I haven't felt that in years. you were the first sunny day after a seven year rain. you woke me up from a chemical haze. uppers, downers, I don't care, the new drug is the way I fit perfectly in your arms.

"Ok

I dont think i should come to your birthday"

It's a knife in my ribcage i can't dislodge it. I'm trying but I can't. Bad things always happen leading up to, or immediately after, my birthday. four years ago my girlfriend broke up with me on my birthday. My friends all love you. I love you. I need you. You're the only person who doesn't make me feel bottom shelf. you're the only one who can get my heart to beating again. I don't need to pray, I taste salvation every time you wrap your arms around me. you make me feel safe. you make me feel safe. you make me feel safe. I can't just be friends with you. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do this. I keep my hopes so low bats infest (in) them so that no one makes me feel the way you're making me feel. you're breaking my heart.

I breathe deep. I cool down the molten lava in my amygdala. I pretend that I'm not reading into the space between every word.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, that's okay"

The only thing I've perfected is lying.

Maybe that's why you don't trust me.

It's okay

I wouldn't trust me either.

I can't do this. If I can't handle the present tense- the heartbreak, I sure as fuck can't handle the future- the crushing weight that i was right. the glowing neon sign that declares "Everyone You Love Will Leave You!!!!!" I spent four years alone because I was scared of falling, you took me to heights I've never been, and then when I had my back turned, swan dived 10,000 feet to the earth. If I was faster I would've caught you. Orpheus turned back because he loved Eurydice. What's wrong with me? I want a cigarette. I want coke. I want valium. I want to bleed. I want to gut myself. I want to slit my throat. I want to give the pain a home so that I can burn it to the fucking ground.

[orphantheism]

Saturday 3rd May, 2025

for what it's worth, I never meant what I said

for what it's worth, you're still my favourite person

for what it's worth, sometimes my thumbs type words i don't mean

I'm trying to get better but my brain makes a lot of choices my mind doesn't control. my unique brand of chemical warfare is a cruel puppet master.

I promise I'm trying. I promise I'm trying. I promise I'm trying.

I promise I love you. I promise I love you. I promise i love you.

[orphantheism]

Friday 2nd May, 2025

he gave me bv and bronchitis. the next day I got my iud inserted. now I'm on my period and I have this overwhelming crippling sould crushing feeling that you don't actually like me as much as you like mainlining dopamine. yesterday, quarantined in my room I sent you Snapchat videos and you responded to them like we were having a face-to-face conversation. it was good until I started passionately getting excited to talk to you about my birthday party plans, and you didn't respond to a thing I said. You talked about the storm, about how you were hanging out with them (the them that hurt me relentlessly as mentioned in entry 4/19), about how oh my god yeah we need to hang out tonight but then 12am came and I was still waiting for you. Waiting for you. Waiting for you. now tonight, we were talking back and fourth then at 10:30 you stopped replying. I asked if you were going to watch my dumb videos about Fall Out Boy and Joe Trohman and how you can borrow my humidifier because I know your cats been having skin issues. You tell me at 11pm that you're just watching an episode of that dumb LOTR show with Them but I don't get a reply until half past the next day. fuck that and fuck you. I thought i had at least one friend in this flat but I guess i don't. I hope i never get better. maybe then you'll realise what you had to lose.

we have matching profile pictures. you posted a picture of me and you right next to a photo of you and them. you're friends with everyone who's ever torn out my heart.

I hate how I can be so fucking happy and then (you make me) so fucking miserable. my heart is a hairpin trigger.

if therapy worked you would think it would have done something over the past ten years.

there's blood on my favourite white shirt.