otterclogs

[otterclogs]

I know life is too short for holding grudges, but you hurt me with shallow friendship. I feel like you loved me at an arms length and didn’t reach out unless you needed something. I tried to ask for your support for months and got empty promises in return. it’s not like me to not forgive someone or give them a second chance, but I’m not going to break on this. you hurt me, over and over, and claim that this is my fault? I was finally honest about how I felt and you decided my opinions didn’t matter.

I cared and you decided I wasn’t worth it.

[otterclogs]

we look out the same windows.

we can’t see each other, but we do see the world,

moving, shifting, breaking, mending

I can’t see you, but I want you to know

I hope our world mends with us.

[otterclogs]

when you smell lilac, think of me

I’ll think of you when i smell pine and clean air

[otterclogs]

I have an underlying requirement to wear long tshirts and hoodies when I wear tight leggings. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want guys to stare at me or if it’s the dormant catholic guilt.

[otterclogs]

I forgot that I keep busy because if I’m not thinking about the stuff I have to do I have too much room in my brain for sad thoughts, so I’d rather stay busy and anxious than empty and sad.

[otterclogs]

I don’t let people care about me because if they do it’s either fake or they leave or they always prefer someone else, so I just don’t want to be vulnerable and get hurt okay

[otterclogs]

just realized that one of the reasons I have a grandma sleep schedule and go to bed early is bc if I stay up too late I get real sad

that’s a fun realization

[otterclogs]

my friends came over for a bit and were tipsy

and I was in my pajamas and ready for bed

and they said hi and then left to go do something

and I just have such outrageous fomo

because I know they’d let me come along if I asked, but I just didn’t ask because im anxious

[otterclogs]

my sister sent me a video of her in a dress and describing it and she said “I know you wouldn’t like this because it’s velvet” and im like 🥺🥺

she listens

and she sent me a video about palindromes because I love palindromes and 🥺🥺

she listens

[otterclogs]

My Journal Entry Today:

April 1st, 2024

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the day I almost took my own life.

I have made it three years.

I have done so much.

I have learned so much.

I am so, so happy I am alive.

Yes, life is difficult. But it is also so beautiful.

I graduated high school. I met amazing friends. I spent time with my amazing family. I wrote four chapbooks. I felt accepted and appreciated by my coworkers. I realized my own potential and how far I’ve come on trumpet. I read so many books and so many stories and watched so many movies and videos and listened to so many podcasts and so much music. I found passions I love and people I care about. I laughed and cried and screamed and hugged and lost and held and breathed and lived.

I’ve lived.

[otterclogs]

me: I hate grammar. I hate adverbs.

my sister: shoot them.

[otterclogs]

one of my trumpets called me “madame section leader” today

he also said I looked pretty today and I was like ☺️

[otterclogs]

so the guy I like likes one of my best friends and she likes him back and I refuse to cry over a guy but my chest hurts real bad and oof I need a sleeve of thin mints and a few days to get over this one

[otterclogs]

I curled up in the blankets he laid on, the pillows he touched, and breathed deeply, hoping it would smell like him.

I’m hopeless.

[otterclogs]

there are two hugs I enjoy, and I need both to survive:

1. I put my arms around their neck and they hold me tight around the waist and we eradicate the space between us

2. I put my arms around their middle and they wrap their arms around my shoulders and I finally feel grounded and comforted for the first time in a while

God I need a hug.

[otterclogs]

they usually end up playing battleship

why does three siblings have to play a two person game,

and leave one out every. single. time.

[otterclogs]

middle child syndrome is real.

no presents at family christmas.

older sister got a bottle of wine.

younger brother got a game and snacks.

nothing.