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2 -

Seriously, I’m studying a double degree of computer science and commerce/business at a decent university but honestly i fucking hate it. Well i for sure despise the computer science degree at least cos i am so not made for this degree i swear people that excel at this stuff are amazing and have my utmost respect. Commerce has been pretty meh, I mean like its somewhat interesting sometimes but the business field culture is so toxic i feel like. Like at my university all the business societies and clubs and stuff are all dominated by like super hypermasculine straight boizz and girls that loveee flaunting off their muscles and money and fashion and whatever fucking hypebeast shit is happening today. 

And like as a closeted asian gay boy who is like a 3/10 on a very good day it really hurts when they so openly talk shit about the lgbt community and poke fun at any hint of behaviour that could in the SLIGHTEST BIT be related to homosexuality. Like why are these super bro guys so scared about gay stuff and why are they so fucking toxic when like it literally does not affect them at all? Like I don’t understand the hate. It’s so frustrating that all these people that i’ve seen in the societies are so.... gross, especially the people that are chosen to chair the committees / executives. its so obvious that they’re only there because they know people and surprisingly (enough!!wow) they all exhibit the same toxic homophobic behaviour which is so disgusting. And like yeah I get it, thats how it works in the real world too when it comes to this business stuff and that just really turns me off from working in that sector as well.

if anyone wants to tutor me in computer science hit me up heheheh 8) xd but nah fuck this shit im so fucking dumb.

So here I am, a dumb 18 year old gaysian boy who really hates his choices in what he chose to study at university but is also too much of a little bitch to change courses because that would be wasting money and time. 

Honestly theres so much more for me to rant about but im super tired and its super late.

such a feelsbadman when you’ve only got straight guy friends to talk to and although they’re like super good friends and supportive and everything, i can’t really talk to them about the things that really hurt me deep and anything too emotional because they cant really connect haha. owell things just turn out the way they are sadly.

[oupress-blog]

1 - uni life struggles?

Hey. This is so weird to write this lmao though probably nobody will read this anyways so we gucci tucci. Tbh i dont even know why im writing this. Maybe because I somehow came across some post talking about how talking or ranting hehehe about my problems can actually help me if im struggling. Well since I dont have anybody to really talk to in real life about deeply personal things, why not keep a lil personal diary haha. God i feel like im the protagonist in a teenage romcom movie and this is the opening *cough* to all the boys *cough*

Anyways.

Where to start.

I guess recently, I’ve been starting to feel overwhelmed by everything, though i guess its not actually only recent times. I’m so not in control of my life at all, theres so many things that I feel are just spiraling out of my control. 

I don’t know whats going on honestly because theres just so much for me to handle and I honestly feel so stressed and lost and I don’t know whats wrong. Everybody else is doing the same stuff as me I guess? Or even more, but they all look like they’re doing fine. Are they really? Theres no way I’m the only one struggling so much right? 

I absolutely despise the degree I’m currently studying at university, yet I’m too much of a coward to just drop out. I’m only about to start my second year but for me, the past year has been so harsh and unforgiving for me. When I see any of the work related to what I’m studying, I’m just overcome with like little waves of idk what, it feels like im being lightly punched in my chest constantly. I did so bad in my studies that I barely scraped through every subject in my first year and my WAM fucking sucks so bad that I’ve pretty much screwed up any opportunity of being successful and finding a good internship that would set me up for the future. Moving into the new year, I honestly feel even worse than I did last year because I did not learn a single thing last year and I honestly should not have even passed my subjects. like i almost LITERALLY know nothing about what im studying, and now im enrolling into even harder subjects like WHAT???????? am i fucking doing with my life. Do i even want to fucking work in this field in the future?? i seriously dont think i do but because i’m such a fucking stupid and vain prick I chose a degree only because of the projected wage$$$$$ even though i now realise i hate it and its so difficult. 

omg yes i know study harder then!!! yeah fuck off cunts like seriously dude just stop please. its not like i dont already know that and i havent heard that like 500000000 times but honestly when i see the work i dont know why but i just cant fucking start studyign and doing it. it feels like when i watch lectures over and over 3+ times, whatever the lecturer says just goes in one ear and out the other instantly like IDK WHAT IM DOING?? why am i so stupid?? i got a high university entrance score but now that im in uni, my brain is literally a potato. its gotten to the point that im so behind that its so fucking scary and overwhelming to even start like whats wrong with me i know im an idiot. even going to class and talking to my classmates that study the same degree is scary because they’ll be talking about stuff and ill just have to stand there like a fucking idiot nodding like hahah yeah i totally get u bro BUT I DONT COS IM FUCKING stupid omg. honestly everybody already knows that im failing uni so i dont even know what i have to lose but it still hurts you know goddam.

I know people say chase your passions and dont choose to study something just because of the money but LIKE WHAT?? am i going to do if I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT TO STUDY. like man i was just an idiotic kid that was sitting his university entrance exams to get a high score with NO IDEA of what i wanted to pursue like i was only 16?? 2 years later and I just really want to bash myself for not thinking about this question from the day i was born really. Like omg yeah i think dancing is coooool i think singing is fun i think cooking is funnn yeah but at the end of the day theres no career to be made out of those unless you’re like really talented anyways ay. 

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