ourotteradventures - Tumblr blog

[ourotteradventures]

July 2023 to February 2024

It amazes me how fast time is flying, and I realize it more when I come to make posts and do updates about our lives. I know that they say time flies when you're having fun and to a degree I understood that - but for the first time in my life, even during the shitty parts, I find that it is going back exponentially faster than it has before.

We'll start in August 2023 and work our way to the present... I started the academy in July and boy oh boy - did I think I was in purgatory. The military has put me on some pretty shit details and assignments but the worst thing that can happen is time drags on. I am one of those people that I can do anything super shitty for long periods of time to expedite and end the suffering as soon as possible. Which is a great trait...until you are forced to play the waiting game and cannot expedite the process at all.

We had welcomed a new kitten into our little family as well because you kept begging for another cat. Thus, Hades was born. I went to the shelter to find an all black kitten that they said was there, and as I walked in someone had walked out with her. You told me to just check the area and see what other cats were there (I should have known that was the ruse). I walked down the first aisle and this tiny gray kitten rammed his face into the fence, 6-7 months old and named Sushi. I pulled his tag and said that I would spend time with him in the room. We checked out a few of the other all black cats that were there, but they were either too old to be around our current cat or they were meant for a solo home. As soon as we got into the room I sat on the floor and he came right up to play and get some love. You went to the front and well...the rest is history.

Next, my son came back from his dads and we had our first real integration into parenting with him and us and all of the in between. It was a very rough transition period and I felt like I was going to lose everything all at once with how it was going. In time, it has evened out and is significantly improved. I hope one day you see that he does look up to you and just wants to be involved. Sometimes I wish that he was just our kid and that I didn't have to worry about the other individual. Sometimes I wish that I could just smooth everything over and call it then and there. Other times I see it as a growing and learning opportunity for everyone involved, including myself. One day, it'll all be in the past and I'll wished I had savored it more. I already have experienced that and I knew it would happen and that still didn't lessen the blow.

We got you a knew job and you started your own field training. It is insane to think about the sheer ground for growth that we have covered in less than a year for both of ourselves. I'm so proud to say that we are doing this together and that we're setting our future selves up for comfort and success in retirement. Plus, we bought you a new car! You're very first car and loan on your own! That's exciting (and daunting, fuck taxes) :]

After a long six months I finally finished the academy. With all of the drama, sickness, pain, and recovery that I had to endure you guys got to pin my badge. Everyone except for my dad and some of his family canceled on me. That was what I expected from people and I knew better than to get my hopes up, but I had hoped that this time would be where I was proven wrong. I wasn't. It solidified my next steps and what I was going to do moving forward with cutting people out of my life for good and not wasting the time or energy to send a text/call. The days of trying to make people understand how they hurt me are over. They knew what they did when they were doing it and they can stand on that business - I'll stand on mine.

Now we're into the field training phase for me and you've just finished yours. First grade is coming to a close here soon and then we'll take our first real vacation that we have planned. It's also the first vacation I have taken in 12 years and I think that I have earned this. I will get to meet some of your family and I will get to see where you grew up. This is huge for me, but it's even bigger for you.

When we first started dating you were huge on the "not letting pieces of your life mix". I know that you want to keep things separate and unblended which is fine. Anything that is done is something I wish for you to do in your own time when you feel comfortable. We'll get to roadtrip and spend time seeing different states that I haven't been to before. I'm close to halfway of seeing the United States in total and this is going to be amazing. I'm daydreaming and planning it little by little when I'm feeling down.

To top it all off, you've mentioned or your mom has mentioned marriage. Which, does scare me a bit (not because of you) just because of the sheer amount of paperwork that comes with it. I also don't ever want to feel like I am trapping you into something you don't want. I want to watch you pursue your goals and dreams and cheer you on like you've done for me. Some of it will be harder for you and some portions will be harder for me, but I am determined to work it out for the both of us.

There is something special about you and I can't exactly put my finger on it, but I do love it. There is this feeling; like driving in the late summer/early fall, in the early morning with the sunrise, windows down, a light breeze, and listeining to classic country on backroads. That's one of the ways that I would describe how you make me feel. The way that you find a new song that you fall in love with and just keep listening to trying to chase the initial feeling it brought you...but I never lost that first feeling of hearing the song. You're an absolute treasure and I know that there are certain things that you want to change and improve for me. I adore that and it's admirible, but I made it a point in this relationship that I would not fall in love with potential (or ever again). I make it a point to not let my insecurities or past trauma creep in and ruin what I have and create a cognitive bias wormhole. I want to grow old with you and have a house in the middle of nowhere and homestead.

Who knew that wanting to bake homemade sourdough bread was the gateway to going off the grid?... I feel like that should be a study. Every day that I wake up and I don't want to do life or keep pushing I think about you and how you've made everything so wonderful - even the bad parts where you had no control in it. I'm so glad that I got to meet you and that this relationship has become what it is. I'm also stoked to see what it becomes in the next decade. When I meet your family we'll have been together for almost 2 years. We'll have known each other for 2 years.

You are singlehandly taking on such a huge task with me and I don't mean that in a pick-me type energy light. When I am having a medical episode one of the first things that I think of is you to bring comfort and solice to me in that moment. I also think about how this is going to impact your life and going forward, if it gets worse, what I will do to ease that burden on you. I didn't ever see any of this happening, but I most certainly did not see me having what appears to be partial seizures from severe head trauma and memory loss on the bingo card. That is terrifying in so many ways and I am terrified for you and my son. I'm terrified for anyone who is personally invested in me and my wellbeing for how this will go. It can induce a panic attack and a spiral, but the thing that stops that from happening is how softly you've said "We'll figure this out. We'll make this work. We're in this together." and you just stumbled into this.... that's so crazy for me and I think it is one of the first times of my life that I've been this raw with anyone for such an extended and indepth part of serious matters - and I've never had this kind of support. It makes me so happy that I cry from time to time. I finally feel loved and safe. It took a lot of struggling and suffering with the wrong people, but I found you.

[ourotteradventures]

Your Birthday and Life Updates

I have been wanting to make a post for a while, but with our move across states and all the other things that fell out (my car being totaled :,( rip) I didn’t have the energy. Thankfully, things have slowed down a little bit before this academy starts. Actually, let’s just start from the last time that I updated our blog. 

January/February time frame our work situation began to get a little messy. I was tired of certain people at the company taking advantage of my kindness and skills. As well as my time, that was being taken from my little one and it wasn’t even for good people or a good cause. Our mutual friendships blossomed in some ways and detached in others. For that, I’m sorry that it happened how it did because I never wanted that to be the end result. It was super fun though to go out with Austin and Kiara and Nicole to just have a good time without work being involved. March we returned to finish the rounds of testing for this new career. It was fun and we got to do some trails, but we also got rear ended (in the same damn car...bro what is the deal?!) and the meth head fled. We took a picture with my bumper to laugh it off as we went back home. I think that is one of my favorite things about you and our relationship. I don’t have to consume myself with dread and misery (I know, I know, but you’re “emo” *shush*) unnecessarily (see how I closed that out?). No matter how shitty the situation is, you find a way to make me smile and we take it on together. It’s the first time in my life that I haven’t been so uptight in a relationship.

April was an eternity as we prepared for our last month before the move. It was the anticipation stress that was killing us (me...it was mostly me). The tensions kept rising and I told Jason he could basically suck my dick - which he didn’t take well in the team area. Too bad bitch boy. Then Jason wanted to go to war in Signal, which is honestly so weird. What a weird platform and principle (being wrong) to die on bro? Like are you good? May was a whole year within the first week of the month. My official last day was the second. I got a giant nail in my tire with a washer on it (that’s convenient isn’t it?) and had to get a new set of tires.... to then get t-boned with my little one in the backseat...just trying to get Dingy his damn patch. Then he had a fever of 105.6 and I had to take him to urgent care, and of course they cancelled my health insurance early. My dad was in my uncle’s plane when it crashed. Honest to god, it was a country song and if we had a dog babe....it would have died. I cried at my munchkin’s Kindergarten graduation and everyone wanted to bring that up. Then came the move, the dreaded move and the insurmountable (so it seemed) move/road trip. The Uhaul reservation kept changing because they didn’t have a 20 footer available. Then the one we got had a check engine light on it so we had to go to a different location. When you started it that check engine light came on....then they forgot the dolly. Then my mom delayed our start time because she wanted her “last night of freedom”. Finally, once we touched down at the apartment... the fucking UHaul’s battery died mysteriously. It started to hail while my new car was in the open parking for us to download the garage and the maintenance dude pulled in when I was trying to get it to cover. You got to meet Minns though! I’m so glad you both liked each other and you had a good time listening to his stories - that dude is honestly the biggest life saver I have out here (aside from you now).

And now? June! Your birth month. The month that I usually pay no mind to and don’t really enjoy as I’m not the biggest summer fan (at least out in the desert, but here it is nice!) You started your new position while you build for your future. I’m doing the admin stuff to prep for the academy and we got a new kitten!! He’s such a snuggle bug and Athena ended up loving him. Hades has grown into the home and our family. So I decided that I was going to make you your favorite meal and get some of your favorite snacks. It turned out pretty ok! Honestly, I wish that there was more magical wording and pretty phrasing to  wrap everything up but my brain is only letting me use like 50-60% capacity. This? This is the best that we are getting currently. Let’s get to the photos already!

[ourotteradventures]

Garden of the Gods / March 2023

I applied for a department back in Colorado, and have been expressing my longing to get back to Colorado. You said that you’d want to move with me when we’d only been together for about 4 months. I was shocked. You were willing to uproot your life and move states.

I said that I wanted you to visit first and see how you liked it. We stayed in Denver/Lakewood area. It was quite the experience with the hit and run. I showed you Castle Rock - my favorite and best kept secret town. You bought camel jerky at the mall and we had some delicious food in downtown. The next night we had my favorite restaurant of all time in the downtown district; Vista Vino.

Then I showed you Garden of the Gods in the Springs, we did a small trail - the snow crashed our party a bit, but major things happened. We took photos together, with faces. You requested to follow me on social media and I followed you back. The privacy veil is thinning the more time goes on. I’m sure it has to do with the fact we’re leaving this hell hole and moving to start a new life together, but all in all it made me very happy.

I want to remember these days forever.

[ourotteradventures]

There is a strong chance I’d go with a solid black wedding dress. I know there are traditions and things to follow, but they [black dresses] are just stunning. With a black diamond style tiara and blood red floral arrangements with some white mixed in. Emerald green would also be a beautiful accent. Rich and bold colors that play off of the black and white look. I want to look like a dark queen from the underworld. That’s my whole aesthetic basically. Why change it?

[ourotteradventures]

Hammond Castle Museum; Massachusetts

In the beginning you told me that you never wanted to get married and we agreed on no additional kids. A few weeks later you started making jokes about what ring I’d like. Now, you’ve said that you see a marriage in the future and when I said we’d have a real wedding you told me it’d be whatever I like.

Sarcastically I started looking up venues and ideas - now here I am creating a wedding vision board at 5 am on a Monday while you sleep next to me with my son snuggling me. I showed you this as a venue idea and you loved the architecture and scenery.

It’s wild how things develop and have changed in these 4 months of our relationship.

[ourotteradventures]

October 27-28, 2022: My wanderlust took ahold of me and said that I needed to get out of town for a few days to regain sanity. In the midst of a messy divorce, custody battle, having to move out of my living situation to escape abuse, and medical issues left untreated from deployment….you still chose to embrace the chaos and help plan a little impromptu run-away.

It was only a month before this that you helped me move my furniture at the last second because a different teammate bailed on me in the 11th hour. Then, I discovered that my soon to be ex-husband stole hardware and cords so I couldn’t mount the TV or get it working. Offering to buy me a Dutch Bros coffee and lending a kind ear to listen to my frustrations, with barely knowing me. You tolerated Walmart with my son and I, helped load the car and later that week helped assemble it. Afterwards, I invited you over to watch a movie or show with me and offered to feed you to say thank you. Something told me though that I wanted way more than just that.

The rest? Was history. I can’t stand physical touch, but I felt comfort in yours. It became a safe place and something I craved. You listened to everything I had to say. Cuddled me when I was in a rut and played music that expressed heartfelt love. When I was sick or in pain you did everything to make me feel better. Including the time I had to go to the Urgent Care/Emergency Room. Every single thing that I hoped and dreamed for with my ex and all of the things he told me I’d never have because they were unreal expectations; you met and exceeded all of them without hesitation. Unconditionally.

This blog is going to be dedicated to documenting any and all memories, wishes, and plans that I have with you. I’ll share the playlist I’ve created and this blog when it’s time. Also with how easily I’m forgetting everything I want to make sure it’s somewhere so that, god forbid, one day if I can’t remember at all I can reread it and glance at the memory.