outrunningthecloud

[outrunningthecloud]

Oh Crap. #artistsontumblr #pencil #lettering

[outrunningthecloud]

Please update your bookmarks.  http://outrunningthecloud.com

[outrunningthecloud]

by now, this video had gone somewhat viral. I saw it yesterday and honestly, I think I found my cancer-soulmate. After watching Emily's video, I read her entire blog from start to finish. So many of her posts, I could have written myself, like her feeling on Pinktober. It happened to me just yesterday. I went to the party store and was literally smacked in the face by a flying pink ribbon balloon. Then at the grocery store, I saw pink-ribbon bread and soup. ARGH!!! (if you really want to raise awareness and do actual good, you know you can already sponsor next year's walk, right?)

After I was done reading, I actually felt better. Things have been very gloomy. There is a lot of pressure to be happy and relieved that chemo is over. There is an expectation that things are 'back to normal'. Which they are so very much not. And finding Emily's blog made me feel like at least someone understood, even though she had absolutely no idea I exist.

So far, the other cancer warriors/patients I have met have had little in common with me. They were either older or much younger, or had very different treatment paths. Every cancer is different. Every battle is different. But I found myself a little bit in Emily's story. And seriously, her video kicks ass.

[outrunningthecloud]

And now a submission from The Smithsonian. (Love it when these great institutions get in touch with their boyfriends of their very own!)

Thought we would share our latest post with you. Is this a photo from the Civil War or an Urban Outfitters ad? 

Lt. George Custer and Fellow Union Troops Picnicking During the Civil War. May 20, 1862.

[outrunningthecloud]

These Are the Days In Between

Alternative Title: 30 minutes or it's free.

Today was my first non-chemo Monday. Except it turned out to be a lot like a chemo Monday.

8 am blood draw. *Insert 45 min for a urologist*. Still have kidney stone, nothing to be done, wait to pass it. Usual 40 min for oncologist. WBC stable, not up or down. Which means STILL no sushi. Go up to pharmacy and wait for Herceptin bag to be prepared. That infusion should be 30 min. Except for the all the waiting. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for the bag. Waiting for a chair. Waiting for a nurse. Waiting for the 30 min. Then waiting for someone to be available to flush and unhook my port. Next thing you know, it's 2:15 pm. 

I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I really am not. I am simply explaining why I am not doing cartwheels that chemo is over. Why I don't have the huge smile on my face everyone seems to want me to have. Sure, no chemo flowed through my veins today, I will not be peeing 100 times tonight and I will not spend the next 2 days living in my bathroom while my intestines revolt against Taxol. So I am VERY VERY HAPPY about that. I really am. I just can't do the Unicorn/Rainbow/Puppy Dance quite yet.

And for the record, no, I still don't know when radiation starts. I did hear that it *looks* like late October, which would have me done by early December. But I have no scan date. And without a scan date, I got nothing. Please don't ask me about the scan date. I might have to punch you. Also, please refrain from saying anything in the vein of 'You must be SO happy chemo is over!'. I might have to punch you too. I'm feeling punchy. Fair warning.

PS: bonus points for knowing what I got the title from

[outrunningthecloud]

Like 'Make-a-wish', but with wine

2 days ago, M. picked me up and we headed west, to Toronto. As a post-chemo treat, we got to go the live taping of The Social, a talk show featuring none other than my blogging idol Lainey. I've met Lainey before and she's been keeping an eye on how I'm doing, so I used this little break in treatment to get out of town, go hang out with a couple of girlfriends, have dinner with one Toronto friend, stay in a nice suite and drink a lot of wine. Young kids with cancer get to meet hockey players or go to Disney. This was MY make-a-wish!

L. drove in and came to meet us. As she posted on FB 'About to meet a stranger in a hotel room, don't tell my parents!'. We had such a good time. We laughed and talked and did our hair... ok, THEY did their hair, I just watched! 3 gals, one bathroom, and somehow, we made it work!

I got to be on TV, again. It wasn't planned, I didn't know til we got there, when Lainey said 'oh btw I'm going to shout-out to you at the top of the show'.... ummmmm ok then. Glad I put on some lipstick and spanx! 

Other memorable moments include the crazy lady in the elevator who asked us if we got Jimmy Kimmel Live in Canada because her husband was going to be on it that night. And the room-service lady who was fascinated that we were going to be on tv and tried to convince us to get deep-fried cheesecake to go with our deep-fried pickles. The poor housekeeping man who had to come at midnight to put sheets on the hide-a-bed because it didn't occur to one of us to check the couch for sheets any earlier.

And finally, something M and I learned in the 7+ hours we were in the car together on the way home, getting stuck in a highway shut-down that forced us to crawl for 3 hours and sleep in Brockville:

It does not matter which lane you are in, how many times you weave in and out. In the end, that one yellow car you started out next to in Ajax is still going to be right next to you 4 hours later.

[outrunningthecloud]

this is one of the most inspiring, heart-warming things I have ever seen.

[outrunningthecloud]

My first post-chemo day

Yesterday was the last chemo. I have some weeks til radiation starts, and I’m wondering if I’ll be able to go to work at least one, maybe two days a week during this time. Not one to waste time debating, and due to a scheduling fluke where super manager Dee was off today, I went to work for two hours today. Two whole hours. During which I blew up balloons without being able to feel my fingers, posted a tee shirt order and realized that my brain is completely chemo-fried and I don’t know how to do the most basic things anymore. Oh, and I got free soup! Because if you miss work for six months because you have cancer, the lovely Korean lady who makes Chinese wonton soup will give you free soup on your first day back!

But when my two hours were up, I was exhausted. How is it that I walked sixty kilometres but could barely stand for two hours? So I went home and sat on the couch and watched The Social. And was humbled and somewhat kicked in the ass by the inspirational story of Sindy Hooper, who completed an ironman WHILE in chemo for pancreatic cancer! http://t.co/ryDtTUTun1

I took me three tries to get the labels loaded right in the printer and she did an ironman! I’m still unsure of how quickly I can be counted on at the store. I can for sure pop-in, but I’m not sure I can be reliable. In the other hand, if she can train for a triathlon, I should be able to go wrap a few gifts!

[outrunningthecloud]

Last chemo. Very anti-climactic as it's not the end of treatment, just THIS treatment. But I'm dressed very much like my normal self, so there is that

[outrunningthecloud]

A 'Touchy' Subject

I can't feel the tips of my fingers or toes. Neuropathy is the fancy word. It comes along with Taxol. I didn't have it, until literally this week. With one friggin week to go, and suddenly, numb. At first, it was just a couple of toes, during the big walk, no big deal really. But then, it was all my toes. I was not too bothered by it. Then last week during Rosh Hashana services, I found it hard to stand, one leg felt shorter than the other, it was very very weird.

In the last couple of days, it's my fingers. I've been knitting and sewing, for my sanity. Except my hands don't answer to my brain. My fingers are doing whatever the hell they want, because I can't feel them.

The last 2 nights, we've had people over in the Sukkah (it meant so much to me, we hired someone to put it up ) and I came to realise: I cannot feel the hot plates on my fingers.... I'm pretty sure I burned my hands taking stuff out of the oven - No feeling.

they say it's reversible, that it doesn't last. I certainly hope so!

[outrunningthecloud]

Cancer and Politics

For my readers who don't live here and may not be aware, our provincial government recently proposed a Charter of Quebec Values that would, among other things, ban the wearing of religious head gears by civil servants, including police officers, judges, health care workers and teachers. This is my response, my so-called Open Letter to Madame Marois.

----------------

I am French Canadian, 'de souche', 100% pure laine. I was baptised and had my confirmation, attended French public school and private Catholic High School. But other than Midnight Mass and a few funerals, I can count on one hand the number of times I stepped in a church. My parents were not practicing Catholics, the ceremonies were more out of tradition. Though my mother did really enjoy a good Midnight Mass choir. I grew up in suburbia on the South Shore and spent my weekends and summers in the Laurentians with my father's family. My father was a computer engineer back in the early days when computers took up entire rooms, so he understood the importance of speaking English in the work place. I was bilingual from the age of 10, maybe a bit earlier. I also was encouraged to travel the world, and have visited over 25 countries, lived in both Europe and South America, studied languages and proudly speak French, English, German, Spanish, some Russian and some Hebrew.

I learned Hebrew when I converted to Judaism. I am a French Canadian Jew.

My husband is also a born and bread Quebecer, a Jewish Quebecer, 3rd and 4th generations. One of his grand-fathers was a veteran of the Canadian army, the other a successful businessman who's company was listed on the stock exchange. Together, my husband and I adopted 2 beautiful girls from China. They speak English, French and Hebrew, are being raised in the Jewish faith but celebrate Christmas with my French Canadian Family.

We are the ultimate multi-cultural poster-family.

So I feel like I am in a special position to express my opinion of the Charter of Quebec Values: it offends me. I understand the need to set rules about which extra holidays people can take, I fully support the face-uncovered to receive services. But I am 100% opposed to any limitations on the wearing of religious symbols.

As my readers know, I am currently fighting stage 3 breast cancer and being treated at the Jewish General Hospital, the very same hospital where my mother was treated when she battled the same disease. We both CHOSE to be treated there because of the excellent level of care. It had nothing to do with the fact that it was 'Jewish'.

On the very day that the Charter was announced, I happened to be in chemo. That same day, they were short 6 nurses and the waiting room was overfilled. The extraordinary volunteers that are omni-present at the JGH set up folding chairs in the hallways. Nurses came from other departments, and all the patients were treated as quickly and efficiently as possible.

On that very day, I sat next to another patient who happens to wear a hijab. We kidded about how nothing has really changed for her, whereas I have to come up with daily camouflage for my bald head. The pharmacist that prepares our chemo-potions wears a kippa and tzitzis. One of our nurses, who hails from Haiti, pins the medal of a Saint on the pocket of her scrubs. During my many, many visits at the JGH in the last 8 months, I have been treated by doctors and nurses of many different backgrounds and religions, some with visible symbols and some not.

Not once have I cared. 

What I do care about are the wait times and treatment plans. I care that I have to wait a little more than the government mandated 28 days to receive treatment because the JGH center is so popular and does not turn away patients so inevitably, there are delays.

I care that my daughters are watching the news and asking why this debate is happening. I care that they are wondering if their friend's dads who do wear kippas are going to choose to go practice somewhere else, like so many of our other friends have done. (Case in point, at my husband's recent 25th high school reunion, almost half the attendees no longer lived in Montreal).

I'm proud to be a Montrealer, but these days, I'm pretty ashamed to be a Quebecer. I can't believe that in a place that champions women's rights, gay rights and socialized medicine, we are going to take out rulers to measure people's crosses and fire competent child-care workers because they refuse to remove their hijabs. For anyone that will make the arguments that these women are under the thumb of their husbands or chose to come here and have to abide by our rules, I call bullshit. I'm a woman who chose my own religion as an adult and chose to abide by some, not all, of the traditions of that religion. I respect their choice to wear their symbol proudly. As for them choosing to come here, let me reply that the government CHOSE them, among all the applicants, knowing full well they were practicing muslims. You cannot allow someone to come here, and then change the rules they have to obide by or limit which jobs they can apply for. Of course, what of the Quebers like my husband and others, who have been here for many generations? They can't very well 'go back to where they came from'.

I beg you to stop wasting time, money and energy on this nonsense and instead, focus your efforts on actual problems, like hiring more nurses, renovating moldy schools, crumbling bridges and highways. Those problems need your attention. Not what people are wearing on their heads.

[outrunningthecloud]

People who Chemo Together Pee Together

A funny thing happens at chemo: everyone has to pee at about the same time. What happens is that the nurses sit 5 or 6  people at the same time and get them hooked up, which takes a little while. Then they do another group of 5 or 6, and so on. We all get saline on top of the chemo, so inevitably, when my bladder gets full, so do the other 5 people who started with me**

**(I say people, but I mean women. There are a few men there, but it's like 9 to 1 ratio)

[outrunningthecloud]

Ready for combat! Hoping the camo print and combat boots, with hidden vodka socks, will give me a bad-ass look to convince the docs I'm fit for chemo today.

[outrunningthecloud]

Fun Chemo Facts - 2nd edition

4 months ago, I posted a list called Fun Chemo Facts, but I've learned so much more since then, I thought I'd share with you. most of it involves bodily fluids, so you have been warned.

the sandwiches never change: it's always egg salad. Bring a sandwich

lukewarm spinach soup is possibly the cruelest thing you can serve someone who is hooked up to a pole and can't fect her own lunch

Taxol gives you 'the runs'. plan your day-after-chemo accordingly

you don't only loose the hair on your hair, you loose all of your hair. so this was the summer of no-shaving. Cancer: free brazilian included.

This also means hair you don't think about, like the ones INSIDE YOUR NOSE!!!! at first, I was just a sniffly-drippy person, but right now, I have a mega cold. and all of a sudden, buckets of liquids that are in my sinuses suddenly find themselves on my upper lip. or my lap. it's super attractive.

Once your WBC count goes down, you have to implement the no hugging/no kissing/no handshaking policy. This policy was implemented as of yesterday. I probably should wear a sign.

the law of murphy states that if you marked down on your calendar when chemo ends, you will suddenly have very low WBC and might have to delay your last treatments....

[outrunningthecloud]

So that was a big bucket of fuck

Man, that was not a good day! For the record, it only got worst, ending in a mild panic attack at bed time…. The lovely operator at 311 told J. that I should not in fact chase my sleeping pill with a Xanax, but an Ativan would have been ok. Sadly I had none, so I just had to breathe through it. The situation has now been rectified, which pretty much guarantees that I will not have another panic attack! So if you find yourself needing an Ativan, I’m your girl!

I’m trying to find my sarcasm and wit back. I don’t like mopey, complainy me. But it’s hard. It’s not just the cancer. It’s the cancer after the lung transplant, after the transplant wait, after the dying friend and the dying mother…. It’s been a long time of suck and I guess I’m just really more fed up than even *I* realized.

But things are looking up. I’m heading to Toronto next month with a bunch of my girlfriends for one night of fun and the taping of my Internet/tv crush Lainey’s new show. And I made a gown out of envelopes today for a window display at work. So today was not a big bucket of fuck. That’s already a huge improvement.

[outrunningthecloud]

The calendar of doom

**warning, this post contains a lot of self-pity, aggravation and general moodiness. please do not respond with rainbows and puppy dogs, I will kick your ass. I'm serious**

You see that calendar? It's on the fridge. Every week when I come home from chemo, we scratch out the 2/3 lines for that day. We were getting to the bottom of the page. So you know what happened today?

They gave me a new page. It's not chemo, it's the ongoing herceptin that I will get every 3 weeks for a full year. But the thing that is pissing me off today are the dates that are NOT on the calendar. There is no radiation on there. Because they can't schedule it yet. FIRST I have to actually finish chemo. THEN I need a full-body scan to make a 3D model of me and my tumor-bed. THEN they will try to squeeze me into the schedule along with the other 200 people they have no room for. At some point, I will start daily, 30-45 treatments of radiation. The start date and the number are both undetermined at this time.

I don't do will with undertermined. I need a start date. I need to book a vacation, even if it's just 3 days in NYC or a quick jaunt to Florida. I need to get out of here. I need to not be a cancer patient for a couple of days.

Most of all, I need my frigging White Blood Cells to cooperate and go back up. Because today for the first time, I was so borderline, they actually had a 3-person discussion about whether or not I could have chemo. Those 3 people did not include me. They just had the discussion in front of me. Luckily, the agreed to go ahead, because a 1-week delay would have done me in, mentally.

I had this great idea the other day. They needed a volunteer for 30 min in the morning at the public school, to help process the kids that come in late. Their parent's committee is almost non-existent and the lady was SO EXCITED that I could do it. You should have see the look on the oncologist's face when I told him what I was planning on doing 'to keep busy'..... turns out low WBC and the reception office of a public school are probably not a good match... duh. I didn't even think of that. I was so excited to find *something* to do.

So for now me and my bitterness and anger are going to hang out in the coldest room in the house to hide from the hot flashes. With knitting and whatever new show I can discover - I'm now watching Australian TV shows because I have run out of US and UK options. Soon, I'll move on to German or Russian shows. Might as well dust off the old language skills