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paalm-trees · 3 years

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Perfectly Capable

Julieta cannot sleep in Agustín's embrace, as she's far too consumed by guilt.

slight tw for vomiting and feeling so in pain that you can't walk and stuff.

Ao3 Link

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

.o0o.

Julieta felt like a terrible mother.

Luisa was hurt, she had broken a promise to Mirabel, Isa was more than likely upset too, and here Julieta was cuddling with her husband and not wanting to see them. She ought to have been ashamed of herself. She was supposed to be working– she was supposed to be holding everything together.

…She hadn’t told him, but she had heard Bruno’s pleas at her bedside, though she didn’t comment on it.

Her family needed her. They needed her smile, her calm nature, her healing, her gift she couldn’t just lay around being sick and useless.

As if reading her mind, Agustín’s arms tightened around her and he brought her closer to him. His slow and soft breathing was soothing, and Julieta yearned to sleep once more, but the tight pains in her abdomen made that unlikely.

Julieta yearned for her cooking.

She yearned to feel okay again so that she could make everyone else feel okay again. She wanted nothing more than to walk out of this room, give her girls a big hug, apologize for scaring them and telling them that she was okay and it was just a rough morning. All she wanted was–

“Agustín? Are you up? I brought your- Julieta!” Pepa nearly dropped the tray she was carrying. Quickly, she set it on Julieta’s bedside table and kneeled before her.

Julieta wished she had at least thought to pretend she was sleeping.

“Ay, Pepa– the sun,” Agustín mumbled and covered his eyes. At least one of them got some sleep.

“Sorry, sorry, I just- are you okay? How are you feeling?” Pepa asked, placing a hand on Julieta’s forehead before quickly removing it and trying to hide her cringe at the temperature.

“I’m fine, Pepa .I was just resting a bit,” Julieta half-lied.

“Here- have some tea. I made it for myself and Agustín, but you need it much more,” Pepa held a teacup for her. Mustering all her strength, Julieta sat herself up and took it, taking a small sip.

Not particularly strong, and a bit cold but it was still slightly soothing.

“Thank you, Pepa. I would’ve told you but she wanted more time to rest,” Agustín spoke for her.

Pepa’s sunlight dimmed. “Oh, w-well that’s alright, you’re so sick, you should take all the time in private you need,” She smiled softly, but all Julieta could see was the pain behind her eyes.

“Pepa, I-”

“No, no, I should go. I’m sure Camilo is probably missing his afternoon snack, I’ll leave you be,” Pepa gave the couple a quick smile before quickly exiting the room, leaving Julieta feeling even worse than she had before. She set the teacup down.

“Did you get any rest, amor?” Agustín asked, kissing her cheek. She lied with a nod.

“Are you ready for me to tell the girls?” He asked.

Julieta looked down.

“Maybe later…” She said, guilt creating a knot in her throat.

“That’s alright my love, take as long as you need,” He said softly. The guilt tightened in her throat.

“I… I think I want you to get Mamá,” Julieta said. “I think I want to see her.”

Her beloved nodded.

“I think… I’ll talk to her alone…” She added, quieter.

He nodded once more.

“Of course. I’m sure Félix needs a break with Mirabel and Camilo anyway– and if not, I’m sure Casita could use some music right now,” He smiled softly.

Oh, how Julieta would love to hear his music right now…

“I’ll go get her,” He said, quickly getting out of bed and giving her a quick kiss.

“Get well, amor,” he added, before leaving the room.

Ah, alone at last.

...Julieta cursed herself at that thought.

Agustín was her everything, she should be grateful he was willing to take care of her like this. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. How could she think a thing like that???

It was then Julieta was aware of just how hot she was. She removed the blankets around her, which caused a painful chill to crawl up her back, but it still felt better than remaining under. She then slowly put her feet back on the ground, ignoring flashing pains up her spine, feeling the cool tile meet her skin.

Laying on the ground would be so nice… so comfortable… so cool…

She wanted to stand, but she had no such strength. The more she tried the more her head began to ache and her stomach began to twist and turn. She looked over towards her private kitchen and yearned for a glass of water. Pepa’s tea was…nice, but water would be much more relief…

Julieta gripped her bedpost, regretting having not asked Agustín for help. Slowly, she forced herself to move along her bed to the opposite side, to which she then grabbed that bedpost and– ignoring every voice and pain in her body, forced herself to stand, her knees practically buckling under the weight.

“ Be strong, Julieta, your girls need you to be,” She thought to herself. The ill woman tried to step, but instead collapsed onto the cool tile below.

Twice in one day, what a joy…

Still, the tile did feel nice… no, no, she needed the water, not to… fall asleep.

“ Focus, Julieta .” she scolded herself in her mind. Slowly, she began to drag herself towards her sink, her head aching and swirling all along the way. When she reached the cabinets with a soft thud, she quickly reached for a bowl and vomited, entirely too dizzy from it all.

Now she really wanted water…

She lifted her arms and began to pull herself up, but once again she was far too weak, and she all but fell back down again.

Vomiting was bad– vomiting was very, very bad. It was part of the more deadly and dangerous sides of the complications– It meant she was dying– Was she dying? She was so much weaker than she had ever been– this is what she got for not being prepared. Was it? Did she deserve this? When was this pain going to end? How long was Mamá taking? Was she going to die here– like this? Curled up by the kitchen in her room, holding her sides and alone? The thoughts made her vomit once more, and once she was done she curled into a ball on the cool floor and began to cry.

She was a horrible mother and a horrible wife. She had been glad to be alone, and now she wanted nothing more than to have them all back. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want any of this.

“Julieta? Where– Dios mio mi niña– are you okay?” Alma quickly entered, practically running to Julieta’s side.

Julieta had no words for her mother. She wanted to be strong– she wanted to hold back tears, to assure her mother she was fine, but she couldn’t. Every inch of her body hurt.

“Querida, do you need some water?” Alma asked, stroking her soft, damp curls. Julieta nodded. Alma slowly stood and got her one, slowly returning to the floor and handed it to her.

Julieta couldn’t take it– how could she? She just made her aging mother stand and sit twice for what? To soothe her perfectly capable 39-year-old daughter? She was behaving like a child. After all, it was her fault she got herself in this situation- she ought to just–

“Julieta, drink or I will make you,” Alma ordered, helping her sit up. Julieta took a drink as fast as she could, barely able to hold back her sobs. Once she began, she couldn’t stop, and before she knew it she finished the entire glass. While it didn’t solve all of her problems, it did feel a little nice…

“How did this happen, querida? You are so much smarter than this,” Alma stroked her face with her thumb softly. Julieta leaned into this.

“ Child, ” her mind hissed at her.

“I-i wanted water,” She said hoarsely.

“And you couldn’t have waited?” Alma raised an eyebrow. “Julieta, you deal with sick people every day. You know they shouldn’t be moving around and that they should wait for help.”

“But I am the help, Mamá. I can’t be… you know…” Julieta’s brain fog prevented proper wording. Alma slowly stood once more.

“Can you stand?” she asked. Julieta shook her head, wiping her face of tears. “I’ll get Agustín, he’ll help you back into bed–”

“No!” Julieta shouted before thinking.

“ You’re a horrible wife.”

“Why not?” Alma questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“I-i… the tile is so much cooler, Mamá… let me lay here…” She said, laying on the floor once more.

“That’s no place to lay, you’ll get even sicker,” Alma shook her head.

“ You’re a horrible healer.”

“Then get Pepa,” She said aloud. “I… Agustín will just drop me.”

“ You’re a horrible, horrible person.”

“Very well… here,” Alma gestured for her to give her the cup. Julieta obeyed and Alma filled it with more water. “I will be right back. Don’t move.”

And she swiftly left.

Julieta at once began to sob again, holding her aching sides as her body jerked from the motions.

She was a horrible, horrible person. To her husband, to her daughters, to her mother, to her sister, and to herself.

She was an idiot too, allowing this to happen. Ignoring that mosquito bite, what was she thinking??? That she was Julieta Madrigal and she would just tough this out? Ha– she was no better than a toddler now because of her carelessness. Scratch that– even Mirabel and Camilo were more capable than she: she was no better than an infant.

It wasn’t long before her mother returned with her sister, and Julieta did her best to stifle her sobs as they walked over.

“Julieta, how did you get into this mess? You could’ve just asked- was the tea bad?” Pepa asked, winding starting to pick up around the anxious woman.

“Pepa, please just pick her up,” Alma sighed. Pepa shut her mouth with sad eyes as she scooped up her sister and brought her back to her bed.

“Pepa, I-i’m so sorry,” Julieta whispered, hot tears falling down her face. “Your tea was wonderful, I-”

“No, no, Julieta, don’t be like that; I’m taking care of you now. It’s not about me,” The guilt behind Pepa’s eyes increased tenfold as she gave her a regretful smile as she set her back down. Alma came and set Julieta’s still full glass of water on her nightstand, as well as a clean bowl.

“How are you feeling now?” Alma asked.

“In pain,” The sick sister muttered softly. “It… it really hurts, Mamá.”

“Mi dulce hija,” Alma gave her a small kiss on the forehead. “You are so strong. You will make it through, I promise.”

“You can’t promise that, Mamá. I know you can’t ,” Julieta thought, but kept very much to herself.

Pepa sat on the foot of her bed. “Do you need me to get you anything? Some food or towels?”

“Yes, get her a damp towel, she needs to wipe her face,” Alma spoke for Julieta and Pepa quickly went. She then sat in the chair next to the bed and held Julieta’s hand giving it a good squeeze.

“You are strong, Julieta, but you need to rest now, understood? You cannot help the village or your children if you are dead,” She said, her dark eyes looking far past Julieta. She could only nod slowly in response.

“Here you go, Mamá,” Pepa handed her a wet towel. The matriarch took it, and quickly began to wipe the dirt and gross liquids off her face until it was all gone. Despite not solving everything wrong inside her head, it did feel rather nice.

After that, Alma reached within her dress pockets and pulled out two small books and handed them to Julieta. “I asked Félix to get me some books on the library to find out what was wrong, I wanted to know your thoughts–”

“It’s Yellow Fever, Mamá,” Julieta said, not even glancing at them. Pepa visibly tensed.

“Now Julieta, we don’t know that,” Alma denied.

“Mamá, please. I have books of my own. I know what I and the other townsfolk have and it’s… really really bad,” she muttered the last half.

“It cannot be, it doesn’t work that fast. You would’ve had to have been sick for a week, and you definitely ate something of yours between then… right?” Pepa protested.

“Of course, Pepa. I just- I don’t know… maybe the magic is–”

“The magic is strong, Julieta. As are you.” Alma snapped and stood. “It is not Yellow Fever and you will make a full recovery and go back to work in no time.”

Neither sister said a word.

“You… will be fine. You just need some rest.” Alma dug in further. “Now… if you’ll excuse me,” she said, and left without making eye contact with either daughter as she left.

The breeze within the room grew a lot chillier, and snow began to fall above Pepa’s head. Julieta glanced at her sister, not knowing what to do. It appeared she didn’t either, and both remained silent for a long while.

“Mamá… she’s just… stressed. She won’t–”

“How could she not? It’s Papá’s anniversary soon,” Pepa bit her lip.

Right… their birthday was coming up.

The 4th of anniversary of Papá’s sacrifice and the creation of the Encanto.

And now Julieta might die too.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry Juli, it’s not your fault,” Pepa rushed to her side as tears began to fall down her sister’s face.

“Pepa, I-i-i don’t want to die,” She choked, feeling her stomach doing flips as every ache in her body flared up.

“And you won’t Juli, I promise,” Pepa climbed onto the opposite side of her and hugged her sister from the side.

“But you can’t Pepa! You don’t know! Nobody could possibly know, save Bruno but even he is too scared!” Julieta hated being lied to.

“I know, Juli! But what am I supposed to say! I’m scared too!” Pepa shouted back, thunder cracking.

“I don’t know, Pepa! I-I’m just… I’m not supposed to be in this situation and the fact that I am is all my fault!” Julieta sniffled. “I-i was the one who was too tired to bake extras when I fully knew I should’ve! I-i’m the fool who thinks she can tough her way through anything and look where it’s gotten me!”

“Julieta… it is not your fault…” The thunder immediately ceased.

Julieta couldn’t say a word, as tears overwhelmed her. When Pepa opened her arms, the elder sister quickly fell into her lap and started sobbing against her yellow dress as the snow melted into rain.

She then cried and cried and vomited a little into the bowl and cried more with her sister, until she felt she had truly exhausted everything she had within her, leaving nothing but the dull aches in her mind and body and a sick feeling in the air. At least the rain was a little soothing…

“I’m sorry I can’t comfort you as well as you and Félix do for me… I really wish I knew what to say…” Pepa said, wiping her own eyes.

“It’s okay… your rain is soothing enough Pepi,” Julieta croaked softly. Pepa reached over and grabbed the still full glass of water and handed it to her sister, who sat up slowly to take it.

“Thank you,” She said. “That means a lot.”

Julieta forced a little smile.

Another moment of silence.

“I… I think we should tell the kids I'm okay… and that I’m ready to see them, especially my girls…” Julieta said.

“I think you might need to nap and eat first,” Pepa said, getting up and taking the bowl away to wash the vomit out.

Julieta shook her head and fought a chill. “I’m not hungry.”

“You have to eat if you want the strength to deal with the children. They’ve been practically bouncing off the walls with anxiety for you, they just don’t know it,” Pepa remarked.

Julieta leaned back into her pillows. “You’re probably right… After dinner then?”

“I’ll tell them before, so they’ll eat. I doubt Dolores and Isabella have eaten since breakfast, and Luisa didn’t even eat that,” Pepa said mostly to herself.

“Oh that’s horrible!” Julieta gasped.

“Ah! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you further!” Pepa caught her mistake, beginning to pull on her braid. “I promise I’ll get her to eat something– it’s just she ran off into town and said she wasn’t hungry– Agustín went after her and such, it’s just–”

“Stressful… I know,” Julieta took a deep breath. Pepa patted her sister’s shoulder.

“Should I go?” Pepa asked.

“You can stay if you want… I’ll be sleeping though,” she said, lowering herself into a more comfortable position. Pepa gave her another quick hug before getting off the bed and standing behind the chair next to the bed.

“I’ll sit here and read something while you rest, just to be sure you’re okay… and if you’re up to it, I’m sure I can even carry you to the piano later and you and Agustín can sing something,” Pepa winked and left the room.

Julieta chuckled and gave a little wave as she went.

Hey, that was pretty genuine! That was good at least.

Julieta sighed as she closed her eyes.

This was… as new as it was terrifying, but she’d be okay… right? No matter what she had her family’s full support and love… no matter how confused it can be at times. They were going to face this unknown together.

They were the Madrigals, and they were stronger together.

…so Julieta gave a quick, silent prayer that she wouldn’t die. Not now, anyway.

She needed to see her daughters.

#im crying #literally so good

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paalm-trees · 3 years

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Ukraine, 26th Feb, 2022

A friend of mine told me yesterday that he didn’t realise how much Ukraine meant to him until now. I posted yesterday about the time we spent there, and we’re all getting super pre-occupied about the invasion. As I said in that post, I can’t get our waitress out of my head. I can sort of remember what she looked like now. She had an undercut. I think maybe her hair might have been blue? But - I will never know if she lives through this, and it’s driving me very slightly mad.

So naturally, my husband spent all day yesterday obsessively researching everything he could about it with the help of his journalist friends, as a way to help me process it.

This post is me putting it all in order, as a way to try and process my own emotional response as much as anything else (I freely admit there is an element of self-indulgence here). Please don’t take me as the spokesperson for Ukraine right now, nor as a solid reliable news source. But, I haven’t seen this stuff except in bits and pieces on Tumblr, so here we go.

(This is also not about why the invasion has happened. This post is solely about what has happened, and how the invasion is going.)

So, Putin and the rest of the world believed that this invasion would take 1-4 days. The plan was to push through fast, take Kyiv, and force Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the Ukrainian President, to surrender. Given Russia’s military might, it really looked likely.

Here is the conclusion of all that’s happened so far:

Ukraine is absolutely nailing this??? Actually???

They managed to defend every single city overnight, including Kyiv. They started rolling out and using these WW2-style anti-tank thingies that look a bit like angry gabbions, look, here’s a picture of one being delivered:

A bunch of spare iron girders turned into a hefty octopus of Russian misery, basically.

But it’s not just tanks they’re taking down, oh no. Ukraine successfully shot down a transport plane 20km from Kyiv. That is, I shit you not, the single biggest hit to the Russian military since the Second Chechen War. Volunteers from Lithuania, Poland, Latvia, Estonia, Azerbaijan and Israel are all entering Ukraine to help fight and bolster the anti-Russian forces, which is probably illustrative of how Eurovision voting is going to run for the next decade. Most countries have banned Russian planes from their air space. To help stop the Russian advance, Ukraine has made and installed new road signs, like this one:

I can only say a handful of sentences in Ukrainian, Tumblrs, but as I understand it, from top to bottom, it says:

“Fuck off”

“Fuck off again”

“Fuck off Russia”

Meanwhile, it turns out the Russian military might we feared is… possibly not quite as advertised?

They’re underfunded and badly trained. Ukraine captured 200 soldiers in one go, and most of them were confused 19 year olds with no training. The equipment is shite. The tanks keep running out of fuel. Russian soldiers keep abandoning their tanks and handing them over to the Ukrainian army. Putin’s plan was to take Kyiv fast and move on, and he didn’t have a plan B - hence these kids, playing soldier. Here is an image of a Russian tank receiving roadside assistance from Russia’s finest, an old Lada.

No one expected Zelenskyy to survive the night; but he did. America offered him asylum in the White House.

But he said no.

Zelenskyy remains in Kyiv, with his people.

And Putin, in his desperation to be adored, has turned Zelenskyy into a global icon and hero.

Here is something you may not know about Volodymyr Zelenskyy - he used to be a standup comedian. Was he any good? No idea - but what he IS good at is producing funny short videos he can put on Twitter and that, which are absolutely fantastic for Ukrainian morale. And morale is vital in an invasion like this, and Ukraine are smashing it out of the park there.

They are utilising the internet to its fullest extent. In addition to Zelenskyy’s videos, they’ve made sure that the final words of the Ukrainian defenders of Snake Island are known and now echoed around the world: “Russian warship, go fuck yourselves.” A video has gone viral of Ukrainians mocking a group of Russian soldiers whose tank had broken down and who didn’t know the way to Kyiv anyway, presumably because of all the new road signs. They have created a website that lists every single Russian death they can identify, partly so Russian mothers can have closure (thus also painting themselves as the defenders of decency and humanity), and partly for the enormous morale boost of the world knowing, categorically, that they’ve already killed 3700 Russian soldiers (over 100 of which were from that transport plane.) Not one word has leaked of Ukrainian casualties. I’m sure they’re devastating, but for morale purposes, they’re being kept quiet until the dust settles. Ukrainians have started setting up fake Tindr profiles to catfish Russian soldiers for intel, and they’re all 19 and lost, so it’s working. Plus, they’re using Grindr to actually track where the soldiers are, because it turns out Putin was not entirely correct about there being no gays in Russia.

So, Russia wants to cut their internet access. Can the Ukrainian Minister for Digital Transformation, Mykhailo Fedorov, shame a billionaire into providing aid?

This is crucial, remember. Atrocities happen best in the dark, and the world is watching - because of the internet. Morale is vital to maintain. Can they convince Elon Musk to help?

Yep.

Ukraine now has the fastest internet service in the world. The fastest, most stable internet service in human history, in fact. Russia cannot now disable it. The world watches.

Which is just as well, because then Anonymous decided to get involved, and have leaked the website database of the Russian Ministry of Defence. Lol. Also this happens:

And then the Russian propaganda channels started broadcasting the truth of what is happening in Ukraine. Double lol.

So what is the political response?

Well, in addition to closing airspace to Russian planes, loads of countries are sending weapons to Ukraine. Those that can’t are offering asylum. They’re also offering asylum to any Russian soldiers who surrender or defect, which is startlingly good tactics, and there are rumours of around 5000 Russian soldiers who have done just that. Germany, of course, has long had a block on lethal weapons transfer; but Germany recognise this shit for what it is. They’ve lifted the block, thus allowing the Netherlands to send weapons. Efforts are now underway to fast-track Ukraine into the EU. I presume they will consider the lack of pint glasses with crowns on to be a worthwhile price to pay.

So what about Russia’s supporters?

Belarusian leader Alexander Lukashenka helped Russia with this invasion. Now, this has happened:

Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya was actually elected president, but some wild nonsense kept her out of power. She’s now running a government in exile. I have literally no idea what this means or will mean! But my god. She has a spine of steel, and this is not a good time to be happening for Putin.

And it’s really, really not, because then intel on a meeting of Putin and assembled Oligarchs LEAKS (hello Anonymous, probably). The highlights:

This war is costing Russia $15bn a day

He expected it to take ONE TO FOUR DAYS TO WIN

It’s been two days and he is losing very badly, currently

They will run out of rockets by day 4, maybe sooner

After that they will be down to rifles and ammo

It will take 3-4 months to make more significant weapons, except they need raw materials, and the countries that can provide them… have cut supply lines

If the war lasts 10 days, Russia will have completely run out of money and weapons

It’s only day 2, and Russian soldiers are knocking the doors of random Ukrainian homes begging for food and water because they’ve already run out

So, out of desperation, Putin turns to his greatest, closest and most trusted ally for help: Kazakhstan.

And Kazakhstan

SAYS NO

And then Ukraine shoots down a second Russian plane.

Anyway, I’m going to finish off with a final point. Morale is vital in this situation, so here is the message from the Ukrainian government at the minute, to everyone watching around the world:

Be VERY SUSPICIOUS of any negative news about Ukraine. Russia uses misinformation and propaganda. They will want to damage Ukrainian morale.

Use your social media to spread news of Ukrainian victories.

Don’t give oxygen to negative stories. Especially since they might not be true.

That’s genuinely something we can do to help. Every victory of Ukraine, blast it far and wide. So on that note, I’ll leave you with this: