paghihina - Tumblr blog

paghihina · 2 years

Text

july 5th 2022 6:17am 2 years and 4 months into the pandemic and i have no life?

as of writing this, i just stayed up another morning and will be expecting myself to sleep the whole day off once again

currently summer. i go back to school next month. in a new school in an ultra cool university! but rn i really have nothing to do but literally lie around

very lucky to not even worry about anything else rn apart from the dread of workload that this ultra cool university will give me but idk i really do feel i dont have a life apart from school rn

dont get me wrong i have best friends and acquaintances, i just dont talk to them a lot or even hang out with them despite our free time because of a multitude of reasons. we havent even spent time as a complete quintet for 2 years now. we only had that one prom night—which was very fun dont get me wrong though it was underwhelming for my little ambitious movie making brain— but one of us wasnt there. she even pops up in my dreams every once in a while and its great i still remember her face. our friend group just doesnt converse a lot online because it's just the way it is. we don't always have the energy to message and reply to one another and we have a mutual understanding of that. though i wish it was a bit diffferent.

in another universe, we would make use of our summer by playing in the local timezone and make memories and collect memorabilia, but that's just not the case.

to go back to the main point, i basically do nothing here. i did apply to mcdo last week (?) in hopes of a one-month summer job to fuel my spending bursts though i havent gotten anything back.

i tap through my friends' friends' insta stories and just see everyone doing something. theyre getting licenses, theyre hanging out with their friends, joining contests, doing stuff they like, celebrating birthdays, even partying, all of that stuff.

not that i have anything of interest. actually that's one of the things that upsets me the most. i lack passion haha. i don't have a good hobby that gives me a drive or eagerness to improve in. i feel like a speck more than ever.

a heavy speck at that. along with this little "i've officially wasted two years of my life" thing i have going on, i've gained weight. from 90lbs to 120lbs this summer. i know, still quite thin but to put that on a barely 5'2 teenager, it's got impact.

though, can you blame me? ive barely been able to go out of my family's condo unit and who am i to reject the food just staring daggers at my direction whilst they sit in the closed pantry.

my self-image has gone a different path as well. don't know how in-depth i'll get on here but let's see.

first, my arms. it's now as wide as... something. can't think of anything to compare to it rn but certainly not the twig i want it to be so badly (meant lightly though kinda not? not sure). hate wearing sleeveless tops and anything that would wrap around it snugly, adds onto the weird feeling it gives to my armpits because of the arm holes.

secondly, my face. a good circle with flabs on the bottom. i look like the fucking moon emoji. ruins my day right when i see it in the mirror outside of my door. that added to the constant ridiculing my parents do as a hobby. it's like they want me to hate myself? of course it's all for jokes. but cmon.

ill keep the last item short but lastly, my tummy. just envision it as one of a fucking tito who drinks religiously.

—

it's just very funny—to me, at least—that i've grown into someone lame. not that i dream of becoming the stereotypical cool kid who parties like it's a 9-5 job but it's just not the way younger me wanted things to go i guess. i just hoped to be someone happy in something they do and is enjoying life in whatever way it may be. just not the case rn.

—

a song i like at the moment:

swaying with #the one as this plays while we watch the sun go down yeahhhhhhhhhh

#july #2022 #Spotify

0 notes