paintwithtears

[paintwithtears]

and if one day u forgot him, u can read this again.

Maybe this is too out of my league. But in reality, it’s already happened. This is too funny to write about. Like, everythings happens suddenly. Even now, I still can’t believe it. I write a journal for someone (actually it’s not for vals day purpose, but at the end that’s my early vals day gift from me). I wrote that in my practical exam, so at first I didn’t take it too seriously. But the next week, I started to write it.

The title also I didn’t think too seriously because I thought I would write a journal to someone I didn’t know well only as a joke. But when I took it seriously I was shocked too. In two or almost three days, I can finish the journal. Not just me who wrote with a full laugh, my friend also laughed at my work too. Because we both didn’t expect that the journal was already finished. So, the title is “Analysis of the effect of listening to Ijaz Humayun playlists on mental health and improvement of mood swing of an individual.”. Sounds a bad title, but it’s okay. I love the title like I love Humayun’s playlist.

The journal is about researching some facts in one individual who listens to his playlist. There’s two playlists I always repeat whenever and wherever I am. Either I study, sleep, or eat. I also choose his playlist as my friend to go to my course. Imagine you have someone that’s always on your side and follows you everywhere you go. That’s how Humayun’s playlist works for me.

I love every song he added to his playlist. It makes me stop overthinking too much when the ‘thinking’ does not need it. I love every song he picks and when I hear the song, I can feel living a life again. Some songs make me forget about the pain, the sadness, the confusion, and the pressure I have. Even in the past I have had someone who has a good music taste too, but at this time, it’s different. I found a new perspective from Humayun. Like, I can feel something new will happen to us (amen).

On February 12, my friend told him and sent the journal to him. My name in the journal was being an anonymous writer so it made him guess after reading that. From the screenshot that my friend gave to me, my heart beat too fast when I saw the word “WAHH” from him. Like, okay, I know you were shocked, but not to shock me back. And when he said his hands were shaking, I’m more than shaking too, Humayun. Then he said I was cool because I was able to appreciate his playlist and make him want to know me. I was more than shocked because I’m scared I’m far from his expectations.

When I texted my friend to forward my reply to him, she added her question that has the same thought as mine. “How’s your feelings after getting this, Ijaz?” and he replies “Happiest. I’m happy to know there’s someone who likes my music taste.”. At first, I didn’t know how to respond, but when I think again, this is the best reply to my effort. So, when he said I’m more cool when I hear the same rock song, I just can smile wider and flustered.

I know he’s such a smart boy, and it was proven when he realized the playlist I made for him. He told my friend that my playlist was made from some songs I like from his playlist and some others I added because I like the song and I want him to hear that. And after that, he told my friend to give his new playlist. I already know from his new playlist that he was listening to Daniel Caesar recently. I also add a note “You can add songs too if you want, so I can hear the same song you’ve heard.”. And you know? HE REALLY DOES THAT. HE ADD SOME SONGS AT 1.27 AM? LIKE… NO ONE, LITERALLY NO ONE, BUT IJAZ HUMAYUN ADD NEW SONG TO MY PLAYLIST AT 1.27 AM??? But ‘my playlist’ now it’s already ‘our playlist’ since he decided to join me and add songs he likes.

I think he knows how to make me more blushing. So, when he sent his voice note to the room chat, I just can’t believe that Humayun really doesn’t like to text a long message. At least I can see his long text when he said big thanks to me. And suddenly I love to hear Humayun’s voice. It’s… calming (out of nowhere) and his voice makes me feel at peace. If loving him (too fast) was not a crime, I want to love him more properly, as long as his replies still like what I expect. Because with him, I feel like I fell in love again for the first time. I also feel like I’m more appreciated and respected at this time. It makes me want to get to know him better.

Humayun looks like a good guy who loves his family. He’s also a good basketball player who makes his team as his second family. Even tho I’m not seeing a ‘life’ at his game, but I can see the feelings of ‘freedom’ from his game. I also can see that he would be a good boyfriend to his girlfriend. It was proven by a little voice note he sent, when I offended him with the question “I guess you’re heartbroken yaa?” as the playlist’s description, he answered “The songs I added are only cause I like, not because I’m pouring out my heart”. It makes me laugh so hard and realize he was a person who will not give his girlfriend to overthink too much, even tho he will overthink too much sih.

The conclusion is, I should get to know him. Too fast is bad, too slow is also bad. But now, I think I will focus on my exam first, and next, I will try to get to know him much better. And at this time, I think I want to have someone better to come into my life. Humayun looks like have everything I’ve been searching for and I want to fight for.

‘Di Akhir Perang’ by Nadin Amizah was a song that represented him so well. I could cry when the song was played. Just a comfort song that makes me feel like I’m in the right place, even tho I just predicted (not knowing the really exact place I’ve been searching for was Humayun or not). But I wish… the last wish… is Humayun at the finish line for this long journey so I can say “I’m winning.”

I pray for it. Kita usahakan, the last ‘fall in love’ series at this mid-end senior high school era.

Written on February 14th, 2024.

With ‘To The Greatest Rockstar, H!’ in my headphones.

[paintwithtears]

🏠🤍

[paintwithtears]

too quiet, gloomy, and (some text missing)—my heartbroken, qiel.

(qiel in my first analog + foto yang aku sendiri gak tau kapan dan kenapa aku foto ini)

kayaknya diriku yang di agustus 2023 itu nggak akan pernah tau kalau orang pertama yang ngucapin ‘happy sweet seventeen’ secara langsung, bakalan jadi orang yang paling ditunggu-tunggu kehadirannya di setiap harinya. jangankan tau kalo bakalan bisa lebih deket (?) kayak sekarang, diriku yang dulu kayaknya juga nggak akan pernah tau kalau eksistensi cowok narsis bin ajaib ini bisa bikin dirinya salting nggak jelas cuman karena disapa dengan suaranya yang keras. malah kayaknya satu indonesia bisa aja denger suaranya yang besar itu tiap manggil namaku.

terus lama kelamaan aku sadar sesuatu. aku sadar kalo aku suka ketika qiel liat ke arahku. aku suka ketika dia sadar aku ada di sekitarnya. aku suka setiap kali dia panggil namaku. aku suka ketika kita tiba-tiba saling liat-liatan tanpa konteks. aku suka ketika aku lambai-lambain tanganku dia bakalan bales dengan sama excitednya. aku suka ketika dia kayal ngeledekin aku walau aku kadang bingung ini konteks dia ngeledekin aku gimana yaa….

and i almost love everything he did to me. the way he acted like bocah tengil kematian yang nyebelin banget. yang ini orang tuh jamet banget bejirlah, tapi DIA GANTENG??? dia tengil tapi DIA ATRAKTIF?? ya walau beda arti atraktif sama nafarin. tapi qiel selalu bisa bikin aku kangen sama dia setiap saat karena aku suka kalo ada orang sadar akan keberadaan aku, dan qiel adalah satu satunya orang yang sadar aku kayak gitu. (maaf ya ngetik aneh) ya tp begitu.

terus aku suka setiap dia baik sama aku. TRUS TUH kita JARANG KETEMU PAPASAN LAGI??? dia di kelas mulu bejirlaaahhhh t_____t jadi jarang ketemu. terus kalo ketemu aku bakalan yang kayak QIELELELELELELEEE. yah gak diragukan lagi pelet cowok huruf R. wshshsh. tapi aku suka dia baik aja. maksudnya. he being nice to me, and i like that his being nice 👍🏻 nggak kayak yang itu tuh. trus apa ya. oh. HE TREATED ME SO WELL KERENN AKU MERASA SANGAT DIHARGAI DAN DISAYAAANGGGGG 🥺🥺💗💗 tiap dia manggil namaku tuh kayak wsushsuhwushwu nama panggilan yang jauh dari nama asliku, tapi aku yang punya harapan untuk disayang sama orang tuh beneran ke manifestasi dengan nama itu. beneran berasa disayang!!!

terus tuh temenku pada bilang kayak OH KM MAH NAKSIRNYA QIEL!! tapi aku yang ENGGAK BEJIRRR. aku cuman baik ajaaaa. baik, karena dia baik. dan aku demen ngeledekin dia karena aku tau dia bakalan nanggepin aku!!! dan mungkin kedepannya akan selalu ngeledikin kayak gitu hahahahah. ya walau kadang ada sih secercah rasa ingin untuk teriak kayak HALOO QIELL DON’T YOU WANNA DO TAKE A CHANCE WITH MEEE?? I’LL BE YOUR SAFETY NET LOH QIEL??? hahahhahaha 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

[paintwithtears]

nafarin loves his personal space, and i love nafarin’s personal space.

i thought i will love andrew for a loooooong time that i’ll never know how and when i stopped that mix pathetic feelings. but the good news is i love someone new. yang awalnya aku pikir aku kayak ya gak bisa deh lepas dari si andrew nyebelin ini but the fact is im already to fall in love again.

setelah dipikir pikir setelah perhelatan panjang ternyata aku emang udah pernah terdistraksi dengan kehadirannya yang sebenernya aku nggak sadar banget dan menurutku niagara tuh awal dari segalanya. awal dari mana aku tau dia siapa. dan lebih nggak disangkanya lagi tuh aku naksir seseorang yang selama ini sering temen-temenku omongin. ini lucu sih karena emang seharusnya kita tuh belajar untuk lebih peka sama yang ada disekitar.

namanya nafarin. cowok yang kayaknya nggak akan aku pernah tau lebih dalam karena sifatnya yang terlalu privasi. aku bahkan nggak di acc di instagramnya, tapi ketika tau alasannya dibalik itu aku jadi makin paham dia dan gimana cara aku untuk hormatin apa yang nggak perlu aku terobos habis kayak caraku mencintai seseorang waktu dulu.

nafarin punya banyak hal beda dan beberapa hal beda itu kebetulannya terekspos. nafarin suka dengerin lagu lewat earphone hitamnya. dia suka bengong di depan balkon kelasnya. aku nggak penasaran dia lagi mikirin apa, tapi dia justru keliatan atraktif walau cuman diem bengong gitu aja. nafarin suka main basket. aku bisa lihat betapa dia jatuh cinta sama bola basket dan gimana cara dia bersuara lewat permainan basketnya. nafarin looks so alive when he hold his basketball.

nafarin punya kebiasaan keren yaitu dateng pagi di jam 06.10-06.20an. kalo aku telat dikit aja atau kepagian dikit aja aku bisa aja nggak ketemu pemandangan mas-mas jaket hitam bawa motor sambil ada earphone hitam di telinganya wkwkwk.

nafarin suka matcha. beberapa kali dia repost soal matcha waktu aku pinjem ponsel temenku untuk stalk dia. nafarin juga suka kucing. dia sering repost postingan kucing-kucing gemes. and nafarin loves spiderman especially peter parker thingy. dia sering banget repost tentang spiderman.

and with me telling you about what nafarin likes the most... it explains everything why i think i’ve fallen in love with him. aku suka nafarin yang suka main basket. aku suka liat nafarin bengong sambil dengerin lagu di earphone hitamnya itu. aku suka nafarin repost hal-hal lucu kayak konten warung cina, spiderman thingy, kucing tidur, dan beberapa hal random lainnya. intinya, aku suka nafarin.

meski itu artinya masih tetep membingungkan karena aku nggak begitu kenal nafarin luar dalam, tapi aku maunya aku kenal dia dari mulutnya bukan dari orang lain. aku tau seberapa kuat nafarin jaga privasinya dan aku nggak mau lewatin batas yang dia punya dengan cara aku kepo lewat temen-temennya. aku nggak mau kasih makan rasa penasaran yang selalu ada di dalam diriku.

i love nafarin, and thats that.

nafarin loves his personal space, and i love nafarin’s personal space without trying so hard to find out what’s inside him.

[paintwithtears]

untuk cintakasihku dan tahun ke-19 untuknya

mungkin untuk orang awam yang cuman sekali lihat aja, bakalan anggep jeongwoo kayak bulan. sedikit dingin dan sunyi. tapi menurutku jeongwoo itu kayak matahari. a guy with cheerful personality that lights up your day. (kalo hariku lagi buruk aku buru-buru liat video jeongwoo yang lucu-lucu, yang gemes-gemes biar bisa balikin moodku). terus katanya jeongwoo itu mirip banget sama serigala. dan yaapp!! his eyes are like wolf eyes, tatapannya tajem tapi kamu bakalan nyaman kalo liat matanya terus-terusan. menurutku, mata jeongwoo tuh bikin dia spesial dan atraktif banget. (aku paling suka liat matanya jeongwoo!!)

but at the same time, menurutku jeongwoo juga mirip beruang. he’s the typical guy who always gets the urge to hug people dengan sepenuh hati, a bear hug. a bear, woobear. kalo liat jeongwoo, bawaannya aku selalu seneng. emang sih cowok yang satu ini kalau update cuman sebulan sekali, tapi tuh rasa senengnya bisa penuh sebulan dari tanggal satu sampai tanggal tigapuluh. kalo ada video konten jeongwoo yang gemesin, aku jadi ikut gemes sama dia. kalo aku liat jeongwoo lagi ketawa, aku juga jadi ikutan ketawa.

dimataku jeongwoo emang kadang nggak begitu terang-terangan tentang apa yang dia suka dan nggak suka. dia juga suka merendah pas ada orang yang muji dia. kadang sifat dia yang kayak gini yang bikin aku susah tau apa yang jeongwoo rasa karena selain bahagianya, jeongwoo kayak nggak mau banyak nunjukkin itu. padahal kalo dia mau nunjukin apa yang dia rasa tuh nggak masalah banget. kadang aku sering mikir gimana caranya kasih tau jeongwoo kalau dia tuh disayang banget sama banyak orang.

tapi balik lagi, mungkin aku nggak akan pernah kenal jeongwoo lebih dari wajah di layar, tapi aku cukup seneng udah bisa merasa seolah aku ngerasain apa yang jeongwoo rasain. walau kadang di waktu yang bersamaan juga, aku bisa sedih. karena kalau senengnya jeongwoo aja bisa bikin aku seneng, berarti sedihnya juga bisa bikin aku sedih.

that’s why above all things, above the selfish urges in my head i’m too shameful about to put to words. tapi intinya aku selalu doa supaya jeongwoo seneng terus, sehat terus. kalo aku, di setiap ulang tahunku, biasanya aku selalu nangis dulu. jadi kalau jeongwoo nangis di hari ini pun nggak apa-apa. dia boleh nangis di perayaan-perayaan di mana doa-doa baik buatnya sedang diudarakan. kemudian diantara lilin-lilin yang nantinya akan jeongwoo tiup panjang bareng-bareng sama orang-orang yang sayang sama dia, semoga terkabul harap dan doa baikku dan semua orang untuknya. semoga semuanya tersampaikan meski aku nggak pernah bener-bener tau doaku tentang jeongwoo itu spesifiknya gimana.

walau nggak banyak nunjukin tapi aku bisa liat kalau jeongwoo tuh diem-diem ambisius banget. dia pinter banget. i can see myself in him. the way he amazed me with his achievements, yang dulu-dulu dan yang sekarang. he inspires me a lot of things—and he saved my life when i wanted to end it.

semoga sehat dan seneng terus ya, jeongwoo?? sumpah apasih ini aku nulis ngasal bgt wkwkwk. padahal aku tau jeongwoo nggak akan baca ini juga sih tapi untuk yang ini aku tulis buat diriku sendiri, gambaran rasa sayang dan cintaku buat jeongwoo. tapi aku tau juga kalo ada orang lain baca ini, mungkin mereka ngerasain hal yang sama. sama-sama sadar akan rasa sayangnya yang semakin sayang sama jeongwoo gini bikin jadi kayak orang gila karena saking sayangnya.

semoga semua energi positif yang kamu kirim tanpa sadar ke diriku sampe aku ngerasa sesayang ini sama kamu, juga bisa balik lagi ke kamu ya, je? semoga semua manifestasi baik dan rasa sayang dari orang-orang tersampaikan ke kamu.

mungkin yang satu ini kedengeran agak hiperbola, tapi beneran deh. you didn’t actually do anything, but i wanted to say thanks. thanks for always letting me breathe easy, je. thanks for letting me rest, even when the world doesn’t. aku gak tau bakalan sayang terus sama kamu sampe kapan, tapi semoga bahagia ini terus selamanya, ya?

aku sayang kamu, je

happy 19th to my number 1.

[paintwithtears]

asoka di empat belas sembilan

bunga asoka artinya tanpa duka atau juga bebas dari kesedihan. aku nggak sengaja pilih karena awalnya ini kado buat azizi yang pada akhirnya jadi kado buat kamu. aku nggak pernah bisa liat kamu sedeket itu. aku nggak mau kamu nunduk karena suaraku kekecilan tapi aku cuman mau kamu liat balik mataku. maaf kalau kesannya jadi mau eye contact sama kamu. maaf kalo tadi aku nggak berani buat manggil kamu duluan. maaf kalo keliatannya aku selalu berani, nyebelin, dan terlalu ngeyel buat naksir sama kamu.

makasih udah mau terima bunga lego yang aku rakit persis pas aku les, di tempat kamu juga pernah les. dari tadi malem aku udah ngerasa sedih banget. tapi aku seneng banget hari ini walau abis ini hampa lagi. semua effort yang aku lakuin udah selesai (seharusnya, sewajib-wajibnya). ayo kita balik saling nggak kenal. saling nggak ngeliat satu sama lain. pengecualian kalo kamu udah putus dari pacarmu yang kamu sayang itu. aku selalu ada di sekitar kamu. aku nggak akan pernah berpaling. kamu selalu jadi pemeran utamanya, andrew. aku bisa pastiin itu.

duniaku jadi punya banyak cerita setelah ketemu dan kenal sama kamu. makasih karena semesta kasih kamu ketemu sama aku. semoga kita bahagia sebahagia-bahagianya.

dan dari bunga asoka, aku juga mau lepas dari kesedihan yang selama ini aku alami selama aku jatuh cinta sama kamu, andrew.

aku selesai.

aku mengakhiri ini semua.

selamat dan sukses selalu ya, andrew.

[paintwithtears]

the fact is: i’ll never be able to end this feeling of adoring you

jadi, apa kabar andrew? bagaimana hidup menyertai kamu akhir-akhir ini? gimana rasa seneng sedih kecewa takut dan segala rasa apapun yang kamu alami belakangan ini? dan—gimana rasanya jadi orang yang namanya selalu diucapkan dalam doa seseorang?

andrew, kamu harus tau kalo aku udah coba segala cara dan banyak cara untuk lupain kamu, untuk ikhlasin kamu. bahkan aku udah coba untuk naksir orang lain yang bukan kamu. aku juga udah buang banyak waktuku untuk beberapa kegiatan biar aku bisa lupain perasaan aku ke kamu sejenak atau bahkan selamanya. tapi nihil. sosok kamu di kepalaku nggak pernah mau diajak keluar. bahkan ketika aku berusaha susah payah buat usir kamu dari sana nyatanya kamu malah kayaknya betah untuk duduk manis disana.

padahal kenyataan di depan mataku lebih jelas dari pada perasaan yang aku punya buat kamu tapi kenapa kenyataan itu nggak berefek apa-apa di aku ya? kenapa aku kayaknya masih bersikeras buat bertahan kagum sama kamu, naksir sama kamu, cinta sama kamu, sekuat ini, sebesar ini, sekeras ini?

harusnya aku udah bosen nulis ini semua, harusnya juga aku udah bosen bicarain kamu sama temen-temenku, harusnya aku udah bosen sama semua tentang kamu. i gave almost everything i could to love you, andrew. but sometimes it’s happy and painful at the same time. i still love you even though i don’t really want to say it again. but loving you it still heartache i breathe.

it’s true, if someone said you did nothing to me. tapi rasanya kalo aku masih terus terusan untuk sayang sama kamu, aku jadi sakit sendiri, andrew. aku juga nggak paham gimana keluar dari fase ini. hidupku sekarang emang lebih baik dari terakhir kali aku nangisin kamu. but when i looked back, and you were there, i knew i could never get you out of my head completely. aku bakalan terus gagal, ndru.

bahkan semakin hari aku semakin sadar kalau sebenernya aku nggak pernah mau lupain kamu, aku nggak pernah mau perasaan ini ilang begitu aja. yang dengan bodohnya aku biarin aku balik lagi ke fase yang aku sendiri bingung ini tuh sebenernya fase apa? mauku tuh apa?

awalnya aku kira setelah aku udah nggak sembunyi karena papasan sama kamu, nggak ngalihin pandangan pas ada kamu di deket aku, nggak menghindar karena aku udah liat kamu dari kejauhan, aku udah ngerasa aku udah bisa lupain perasaan ini tapi ternyata enggak. justru aku berani liat kamu terang-terangan lewat mataku yang kadang suka burem ini.

kamu selalu jadi bintangnya, andrew. kamu pemeran utamanya. selalu. selalu begitu dimataku. jadi gimana bisa aku lupain kamu ketika dari seluruh dunia dan alam semesta, yang aku mau cuman kamu? bahkan aku mulai mikir gimana kalau aku nggak sama kamu? gimana kalau nanti semuanya berakhir sia-sia kalau nggak sama kamu? gimana rasa sakit hatiku kalau dunia berakhir aku nggak sama kamu?

pada akhirnya aku balik lagi di titik hampa yang pernah aku buat. dimana aku nggak bisa coba lembaran baru sama yang lain selain sama kamu. dimana aku nggak bisa ngejar kamu. dimana aku jadi satu-satunya yang paling tau aku perlu ada di posisi mana untuk bertahan cinta sama kamu walau di setiap tarikan napas yang aku lakuin akan terus sakit.

because i believe. i believe… that if i stayed longer, maybe you’ll choose me when you finally look over here. when you finally look at me. i know. i know. this sounds pathetic. tapi itu kemungkinan yang aku pikirin—yang mungkin nggak semua orang tau ini. karena aku yakin pasti ada sesuatu diantara pertemuan kita, nggak mungkin sesia-sia ini. tapi kalau emang ternyata cuman sesia-sia ini pun pasti ada alasannya.

andrew, untuk yang kesekian kalinya. aku bakalan bilang kalau aku bakalan disini. lagi, lagi, dan lagi. do what you want, dru—as long as you stay in my radar. like one taylor swift’s song said: and I'm still a believer, but I don't know why. i've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try. i'm still on that trapeze. i'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me. mirrorball's song for me, never felt so real before i know you, andrew.

marked in September, written with denial in August, your bee.

[paintwithtears]

i didn’t say my last goodbye yet.

typed right on the way to Jakarta from Solo, Thursday 13 July 2023.

At that time I once said, maybe I would be sad if I didn’t continue my studies in Jakarta because Jakarta was already attached to my memory. I really love Jakarta because it’s my hometown. I love Jakarta because almost all of my life has lived there. In Jakarta I know a lot of cool people who want to be my friends. This is a bit ridiculous. But yes, I love Jakarta. At least i do it because that’s my lovely city.

But there’s a lot of different things in Solo. Jakarta is already familiar to me, while Solo is still foreign. Even so foreign to me who just came here again after five years. If you’re in Jakarta, it’s always busy from morning to afternoon to evening. While Solo is the opposite. But in Solo it’s also crowded, but it doesn’t matter if you want to walk slowly for a while. You can look right and left a little, you can walk slowly, you can take a breath too. Unlike in Jakarta, those who join need to hurry so they don't get left behind by the others.

Regarding urban planning, I like dim solo lights. Keep it bright but the impression is warm. There are many crossroads that I think are exciting because they are not too narrow, different from Jakarta. It tends to be narrow and many drivers don’t obey the rules. The plan was for me to walk a lot in Solo, but again I was pressed for time for something else.

The first and second days I helped a lot with things to move from grandma’s house. The third day I just had time to walk. There’s not much to go. Only had time to go to the Surakarta Kasunanan Palace, Kauman Batik Village, Gede Market, Klewer Market. But I also passed Manahan, Sriwedari (too bad I didn’t get to watch wayang orang), and also Pura Mangkunegaran!!

I can’t say the third day is special or not. Only at that time, because I was wearing glasses, I finally could see my cousin clearly. OK, he’s the same age as me. I should call him ‘Mas’ because he is a few months older than me. I need to admit he’s into the typical guy that I usually have a crush on. And what’s even more plot twist, he has a special style that makes him very similar to Doyoung (my wrecker bias in Treasure). And when I told Meu, SHE AGREED THAT MY COUPLE LOOKS LIKE DOBBY HAHAHAHAHAH.

His name is Ednik. His first name has a baptismal name that I dare not mention here. The little picture in the living room looks exactly like little Dobby. He’s totally my type. I want to meet but I’m afraid to go first. And suddenly there are friends. Which I can’t be smart enough to get to know him myself. Maybe I’m just better than this, I haven’t tried, it really seems to stick with life.

Tonight will be the last night I see him. Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll see him again. Could it be another month, another ten months, or a year? Ten years?? But the funny thing is, when I got home I didn’t dare to look at him for the last time. Even though he came out of the house to say goodbye, Im still didn’t dare look at him.

Maybe that’s also what makes me feel bad from last night. Felt something odd this morning. Felt really sad before getting into the station. And cried (really) right when the train started to leave Solo Balapan Station. I’m still sad even now typing this on the train with my super laptop.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t decide to get to know him the right way, or maybe it’s because I don’t dare to look at his face (as well as his eyes), or maybe because I didn’t say my last goodbye yet.

[paintwithtears]

why people start smoking

before this, it was just a playlist title and a narration of sadness that was accidentally read. but after that, this sentence actually became something that really resonated with me.

waktu itu aku mikir, “what does cigarette taste like? why people start smoking? what’s good about cigarettes? what makes someone addicted to cigarettes?”

tapi aku sampe sekarang pun masih nggak tau apa jawabannya. yang aku tau aku jatuh cinta di awal tahun 2023 sama seseorang yang aku nggak pernah tau kalo aku bakalan jatuh cinta sama dia. iya. jatuh cinta juga, sakit hati juga. sakit yang sakitnya dibuat sendiri. dan jatuh cinta yang dibuat sendiri.

lewat drama kecil yang sekolahku buat, aku jadi tau eksistensinya. lewat dia yang selalu mau tampil, aku jadi semakin sadar kalau entitasnya lumayan berdampak walau getarannya kecil dan nggak berasa apa-apa. tapi dari sesuatu yang nggak pernah aku pikirin sebelumnya, aku bisa tau lebih dekat dan dikenal balik lewat puisi yang udah lama nggak aku sentuh. yang awalnya dari situ aku buat puisi patah hati sekadar untuk acara, justru malah sebagiannya tertanam di kisah ini.

aku nggak pernah mau jatuh cinta lagi. makanya aku nggak mau inget banyak orang dan berakhir aku akan jatuh cinta pada salah satunya. aku nggak suka menghapal banyak nama dan wajah, tapi terlambat karena di getaran selanjutnya aku malah mudah untuk mencari kehadirannya.

and i hate the fact that i’ll always be able to easily find him even in a crowd.

harusnya dari awal aku tanam ke otakku kalau aku nggak perlu adanya orang baru yang nggak akan nuangin pelajaran apa-apa di kehidupanku. tapi cowok ini nyebelin. aku nggak tau gimana caranya dia maksa masuk lewat mataku dan perlahan turun ke hatiku. bahkan aku nggak ngerti kenapa aku bisa sejatuh ini sama dia.

dia udah punya pacar. sejak awal aku udah tau itu. tapi sekalinya aku jatuh cinta, aku benar-benar meletakkan hatiku di tangannya dan buta disaat yang bersamaan. such a stupid person ya?

aku bahkan gak tau ini udah keberapa kalinya aku nulis tentang dia, aku juga gak tau udah tangis keberapa dan sakit hati keberapa kali juga. semakin dalam aku jatuh cinta, semakin sakit juga hatiku tapi bagian terburuk dan bodohnya adalah aku masih melakukannya berulang-ulang kali. aku paham, semakin kuat kita ngejar seseorang, akan semakin jauh juga orang itu dari kita. jadi aku berhenti, tapi anehnya aku nggak pernah memilih untuk beranjak pergi. karena aku tau dilanjut atau enggak, nggak akan merubah apa-apa. jadi aku memilih untuk diam dan berharap kalau suatu saat kamu bakalan liat ke arah dimana aku diam bertahan.

jadi, ketika temanku mengirimkan foto kamu sama pacarmu di event sekolahku (foto yang isinya adalah jawaban atas segala pertanyaanku tentang kamu), aku cuman diam nggak tau mau respon apa. you look so happy. a smile as bright as the sun. and i hate it. i hate and love your smile at the same time. aku benci bukan karena yang disamping kamu bukan aku, aku cuman benci karena rasa kecewa yang aku buat sendiri. sebenernya aku ini jatuh cinta sama apa? jatuh cinta sama siapa? kamu? beneran kamu? atau kamu yang aku ciptain dari imajinasi aku?

rasanya hampa. rasanya dua tahun aku survive dari rasa mati yang membelenggu aku ini balik lagi. aku nggak pernah tau kalo keputusan aku buat jatuh cinta sama kamu bakalan sefatal ini. aku masih sakit ternyata. dan orang sakit, nggak akan pernah deserve cinta dan sayang dari siapapun. and i’m glad, she’s got you. walau sekarang kamu dimata aku jadi nggak sekeren itu lagi, tapi mungkin suatu hari nanti kamu bakalan tau betapa menganggumkannya kamu dulu di mata aku. lewat tulisan-tulisan ini. aku harap kamu dicintai secara cukup. aku harap kamu nggak dicintai sejauh aku cinta sama kamu. aku harap kamu nggak disayang sebesar rasa sayang aku sama kamu.

dan aku paham. aku udah mulai bosen sama semuanya. aku bosen sama tulisan-tulisanku karena bukan kamu lagi yang jadi objek tulisnya. aku bosen sama puisiku karena aku nggak punya lagi inspirasi untuk kata-kata terpendam tentang kamu yang nggak bisa aku ucap dan cuman ketahan di lidah. makin lama aku juga makin bosen sama lagu yang setiap diputer selalu mengingatkan aku sama kamu. aku beneran udah bosen sama segalanya yang ujung ujungnya ada kamu disana.

karena kalau dipikir-pikir lagi. dibeberapa kesempatan baik dan buruk yang aku lakuin, selalu karena kamu di dalamnya. alasan aku untuk coba puisi lagi, alasan aku ningkatin nilai matematika, alasan aku mau untuk kenalan sama orang-orang baru, alasan aku membuka diri, alasan aku ikut kepanitian, alasan aku berangkat telat dari biasanya, alasan aku pulang lebih sore dari biasanya, alasan kenapa spotify aku jadi cuman muter lagu dari album nicole, alasan aku mau nulis lagi, dan alasan aku untuk nyentuh rokok. semuanya tentang kamu. semuanya karena kamu.

even though i know you didn’t do anything…

it’s just me and your figure in my imagination. imagination where we can be together, where you become my boyfriend, where we spend a lot of time together. it’s just a fantasy, and i lived long in that fantasy of mine.

such a pathetic girl who has hopeless romantic.

and thats why people start smoking. setelah ini aku akan belajar untuk nggak berharap lagi sama manusia. aku juga mau belajar untuk nggak mudah jatuh cinta lagi. aku mau aku nggak akan lihat kamu dengan tatapan memuja yang dulu lagi. aku mau berhentiin semuanya tentang kamu.

and if cigarettes and unhealthy living arrangements are ways that can help me slowly forget you, then that’s okay. i finally understand why people start smoking. maybe my reason is one of them.

i hope this is the last final, the final chapter. i don’t want to look at you anymore. i want to live as i lived before without knowing you. and if this is a really bad heartbreak, i hope you’ll be the last person to do it to me.

last, really for the last time, goodbye, Andrew.

[paintwithtears]

i’ll always be in your corner

(an in-depth case study)

again and again. yep. I know I shouldn’t compare you to others. even to someone who looks way better than you. but in fact, if there is someone who is better than you but nothing can replace the excessive feelings that I have for you, they are not better than you.

the conclusion is… you’re always the best among the best.

honestly, I don’t know where to start writing. everything about you this june is too mixed up, but somehow I love to enjoy it. there are many tears and happy me in this june because of you, Andrew. maybe because June is your birth month, or maybe because June is the month I like after my birth month (August), or maybe because June is summer. when some feelings start to blossom a lot this summer.

Andrew, I don’t know why I have this feeling that you always know when I want to talk to you. but it makes me feel too confident because i think you know all my moves. but before that, I still never thought that at that time you were suddenly in the computer lab room exactly like the little scenario I made in my head. it was the first time I was surprised and happy at the same time. although not entirely the same, but it was enough to cheer me up, who really wanted to see you that day.

next day, now i know why you were late, my guess is because you overslept. it’s always a mystery why you are late. BUT YOU ARE SO WEIRD. SCHOOL BELLS TIME AT 6.30 AND YOU GO AT 6.17???? I guess you could drop in grades for showing up late for school. but it’s always funny when we pass each other. you who just came out of the residence—which always speed in front of my father’s motorcycle. sometimes I think that one day I can sit on the red motorbike that you keep speeding on if you bring it. kapan ya???

and then, second day of revenyne. you’re not in any documentation. AND I THINK THIS IS A VERY WEIRD COINCIDENCE BECAUSE I DON’T ENTER AT THAT DAY TOO??? AND MY FRIENDS ALSO DON’T SEE YOU, MAKES ME MORE SURE IF THERE IS NO ME, THERE IS NO YOU?? nope. just kidding.

and on the same day when yafa played the piano, we met again in front of your residence. and I don’t understand why you chose the turn back direction. maybe because something is missing. then suddenly in the middle of the road I cried. I don’t know because the song I heard was sad or maybe I was just sad because I saw you that morning.

but my tears got heavier when you arrived at school exactly at the same time as me. and I cried even more when you started to enter the school area. I don’t understand why some of you are always sad for me. even though I know the answer, sometimes I choose to remain silent and be in a denial phase.

I don’t know how many times this has been, but I know for you I’ll stay.

and the day when cecil stopped you for me to take a picture with you. honestly from the bottom of my heart i have never liked your hospitality to me in front of other people because you value the people around you. I believe more in your character who never wants to respond to me because you respect your girlfriend’s feelings. but in some ways, i love it when you open up with me. more than when I chat with you via direct message.

everything about you, I always like the most deh, Dru.

although I don’t like some photos (because my face is bad on that pict), but I love to have photos where you are smiling next to me. I remember a few days ago you said on your instagram that you find it hard to smile when in photos. so this photo is a pride for me. there are many meanings because so far I have—and will always survive to love you, Andrew.

(I swear I will be embarrassed if one day you will read this.)

and the next day. (secretly I wish that my little scenarios and some of my manifestations of you that I wish could continue to happen). I imagine what it would be like if you came that day—which is a very, very quiet day. not many students go to school. then I thought it was impossible. but when I take a photo with my classmates, YOU'RE HERE! YOU COME!! I can’t hide my pleasure. and for the first time, I greet you. at school. yap. it was the first time I greeted you of my own volition. like... after more than six months of having a crush on you just dare to say hello to you?? isn’t that very strange????

aneh banget soalnya abis itu aku salting sendiri. MANA PAS MAU PULANG TEMEN KAMU SI FARIS MANGGIL NAMA KAMU. Andrew-andrew, tiga kali apa ya. AKU GAK SENGAJA NENGOK CUY. GAK TAU MASA TIBA TIBA AKU MERASA KEPANGGIL. posisinya kamu ada di deket podium, faris di basket depan ips satu tapi dia nengok ke aku anjirrrrr. PARAH BANGET.

terus pas jumat aku mau nangis. (for real). AKU GAK KETEMU KAMU SOALNYA AKU KESIANGAN??? kamu tumben kepagian… sumpah aku awalnya mau dm kamu aja tapi aku gak yakin dan TAKUT GANGGUUUU. sumpah sampe aku ngurungin niat dm kamu karena sibuk niagara.

BUT GUESS WHAT?? EVEN YOU ARE THE ONE WHO COME AT THE OPENING OF NIAGARA. it’s funny how you lead the prayer... too funny that I can’t stop laughing.

aku nggak tau kenyataannya gimana, tapi menurutku kamu selalu tau when I want to talk with you. entah gerak-gerikku yang terlalu kebaca jelas. tapi aku juga bingung kenapa kamu hari sabtu kemarin selalu ada di sekitar pos satpam. aku nggak tau dan aku yakin emang ini perasaanku aja. but you hang in there for so long. even when you choose to go the other way, a few minutes later you are again in front of me. it gave me confidence on several occasions. so after that I convinced myself to go out and talk with you.

I don’t know if it was an impulsive thought or because I wanted to talk to you. but i’m happy. this reminds me when astulan, where I also wanted to talk to you. because I’m sure in this crowd you won’t go anywhere if I’m suddenly beside you and talked with you.

aku selalu seneng ketika selesai ngobrol sama kamu. karena ngobrol sama kamu selalu jadi kesempatan yang paling aku tunggu-tunggu. jadi aku selalu mau manifestasi kamu mau ngobrol banyak sama aku. aku bukan pembicara yang baik, tapi kalo sama kamu aku bakalan berusaha apapun yang aku bisa, Andrew.

so my hope for the future. hopefully we can get closer in an unexpected way, just like how we accidentally met at the beginning of the year.

last but not least, like I always say, you can do whatever you want, whatever you like, Ndu. I will always wait for you to see me, I will wait for you until it's all over, and I will always be behind you. I’ll always be in your corner. so when you feel you need me, or when you finally choose me after you have more time, I’m always there to welcome you.

[paintwithtears]

im so grateful to know you.

I apologize because today’s post was written for someone else who is not you [A]. because this morning I cried for you—it’s really morning where the day has just begun, nothing special in this day because all day long, you are around me. (your booth class next to mine). you also don’t do much that really amazes me. I feel bad, sorry.

and here I am. tell about your friend who surprised me so much today.

yup. Yafa Izyan.

I guess I’m not the only one who never thought he could play such a cool instrument, like…. WOW A PIANO???? really surprising me loh, Yaf. and I never thought that you would played “surat cinta untuk starla” by virgoun.

when you started playing the intro, I could already guess the song you were playing. and not long after that, i started to cry. don’t ask the reason why I’m crying, BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW TOO???????? maybe because I remember something. or because this song is also a song that is quite memorable for me. there is a sacred story behind this song, so when you play it makes me suddenly cry.

but the funny thing is, before you get into the chorus I’m already crying. my tears are heavy. beat my tears this morning.

you look so fucking good on there. (ok. no compare. you are sooooo gorgeous today). I can’t dodge. on the one hand I know I’m crying because you play the piano up there. and you... huh I don’t know how to compliment you anymore? you look so real, yet so unreal.

I’m grateful because it’s you. you were there.

Yafa Izyan. not anyone else.

I can’t just thank God enough.

I’m also happy when golden hour is played. you sing at backstage, with great depth. which is golden hour is my favorite song too. I’m glad if you like the same song. but on several occasions, you and I do have the same tastes in choosing songs juga sih.

today I got another side of you. cool. I’m happy. I���m sooooooo happy because it’s about you!! 1-0 between you and Andrew hahahaha!!

nice to see you today, Yaf. since i can’t tell you how amazing you are, so i write my compliments here. you really really amazed me with your performance. you’re the best, lil boyy!!

[paintwithtears]

break my heart. break it a thousand times if you like. it was only ever yours to break anyway. i'll love you until my very last breath. every beat of my heart is yours. i don't want to die without you knowing that.

[paintwithtears]

at 23.49

akhir ini jakarta terasa berbeda. kalau ia memiliki wajah, suram bercampur muram adalah rupa auranya. hitam kelabu adalah mata sayunya. pipa asam arang adalah hidungnya. garis rapat adalah senyumnya.

akhir ini jakarta beringsang. tajam siang hari bahkan mampu menusuk ubun-ubun. jalan raya berasap abu, sinar merah kendaraan berbaris, dan angin yang lewat sekelebat mungkin akan berbeda kalau ada kamu di sekitarku.

tapi ini adicita yang salah. kalibata raya, parkiran gedung biru, rel kereta penghubung stasiun, atau mungkin tempat-tempat yang tak disengaja lainnya hanya akan jadi ruang serejang. mereka tak akan dapat menuntut lebih karena hak bukanlah yang dipunyai.

jadi, isak yang beranak sungai semalam penuh pun bukan karena kesalahan tuan yang tidak tahu menahu bagaimana puan menangisi entitasnya. seharusnya tuan bisa lebih tegas. unjuk tersurat kalau apa yang puan lakukan itu salah. bukan menyirat apa yang puan gelisahi.

jakarta di mata puan pun akan terus menyeramkan. skenario dikepala akan tetap berada di tempatnya. sebab meski berhajad banyak, puan tetap tahu batas.

perihal menikmati jakarta dengan tuan di sisinya akan tetap jadi khayal. entah akan sampai kapan, tapi puan selalu berdoa dan mereka-reka bagaimana khayalnya jadi nyata.

satu pesan puan untuk tuan; jangan dahulu beri petunjuk dari gelisah yang sedang puan nikmati. biar masa beri saat untuk perasaan yang perlahan memudar, biar laranya mereda dengan sendirinya, biar puan melenyapkan entitasnya seperti sediakala.

[paintwithtears]

the fact is, we were just the wrong person, wrong feelings, at the wrong time.

[paintwithtears]

I don’t know since when, lately I often remember your name.

Yafa.

Yafa Izyan.

[paintwithtears]

for a boy who turns 16 today

Finally, today is your day. I hope that today, you feel the fullest happiness you have felt in previous years. Semoga hari ini nggak ada sedih yang menyertai kamu, karena khusus hari ini, kamu berhak dapat rasa bahagia dari satu semesta.

Congratulations, you have survived until your 16th year on earth!! The Gemini boy who can never be predicted. Thank you and sorry because until now I think I still have a crush on you?? But I never really thought to stop liking you tho. Hahaha... Sorry...

Kalo aku, di setiap ulang tahunku, aku selalu nangis. Jadi kalau kamu nangis pun di hari ini, nggak apa-apa. Kamu boleh nangis di perayaan-perayaan di mana doa-doa baik sedang diudarakan. Lalu diantara lilin-lilin yang kamu tiup panjang nanti, semoga terkabul harap dan doa baikku selalu untukmu. Semoga tersampaikan meski aku nggak pernah bilang doaku tentangmu apa, tapi satu hal yang pastinya akan selalu sama di setiap tanganku yang mengadah.

I wish you a long life if necessary until the end of your life with someone you choose to grow old with you (which I secretly wish it was me). I hope that in this teenage phase you will be better than your version which is always the best in my eyes.

Semoga energi-energi lucu bocil gemas yang kamu tunjukin dan tanpa sadar kekirim ke diriku sampai aku ngerasa sesayang ini sama kamu juga bisa balik ke kamu. Semoga semua manifestasi baik dari rasa sayang aku dan orang-orang lain tersampaikan juga dengan baik dan langsung masuk ke hati kamu.

Aku selalu doa yang terbaik buat kamu. Untuk semua pencapaian kamu, prestasi kamu, hari-hari kamu. Semoga kamu jadi cowok pinter terus yang bisa bikin orang lain sama amazednya kayak aku amaze kamu. Semoga kamu udah disayang sama seseorang yang sesayang itu sama kamu kayak aku (in the right way & right position as your real girl)—Dan semoga aku suatu hari bakalan disayang dengan cara yang sama kayak aku sayang banget sama kamu ya?

Aku nggak tau bakalan ngerasa sayang terus kayak gini sama kamu sampai kapan, tapi semoga rasa senang yang aku dapetin tiap kali liat kamu senyum bahagia terus selamanya dulu untuk sementara.

Aku (masih) sayang kamu, Andrew.

Happy 16th to my number #1 (irl)

[paintwithtears]

“Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, not what’s best for somebody else.”

— Unknown