pajtypes

[pajtypes]

:(

the sadness is finally here. come, i welcome you with open arms.

[pajtypes]

wanted

hi.

i have friends. most of them i talk to when i'm feeling blue. but i don't have that someone i can share my little bursts of happiness, my little victories.

see you soon, love.

[pajtypes]

missing

hi

i feel incomplete. i don't who to tell but yes, i feel so incomplete. even after all that, i still feel incomplete. i hope this will pass soon. hopefully.

i don't have anyone right now but myself. haven't written anything in the past few days. i'm okay. i know i'm okay. but sometimes, i just feel incomplete.

thanks for tuning in.

[pajtypes]

good morning

i woke up early today. finally. after a week or two of waking up between 7 AM - 9 AM, i'm now going back to my "better" routine.

oh, and i have a physical diary too. one where i can write my own thoughts and ideas. what i feel during that time. what my plan for the day is. i won't stop doing this but i would like to focus on that physical diary. my handwriting is fucking undistinguishable except by me. i think that's what you get when you get used to just typing everything out and the only writing that you get is when you need to sign on something.

i would like to share some of my ideas with someone. on a more intimate level. i don't have that someone. i have friends, yes, but we can't really go that intimate.

this 2022, i hope to find someone i can share love with. see you soon, love.

[pajtypes]

blank

i feel empty for the past couple of days until now. siguro dahil hindi na ako nakakagising ng 5am at hindi na rin nakakapagworkout. but i feel empty. hindi ko alam gagawin ko. i feel lost although i know i'm not. there's just something inside na parang kulang. or mali. or hindi ko alam pero parang may dapat akong gawin or merong dapat na nasa akin pero wala.

i've been watching porn again although i hate it. i'm praying na hindi na ulit. it does not make any sense. it does not even feel good. but i do it kasi wala akong magawa.

gusto kong bumalik sa trading. i'm trying to save up for it pero mukhang matagal pa ako makakapagtrade ng live account. tapos hindi pa sure kung paano. hindi ko alam. sa mga ganitong bagay, feeling ko nawawala ako. i have plans, yes. but i always want my plans to be aligned with what the Lord planned for me.

ano nga bang plano para sakin? meron ba or wala? pakiramdam ko, meron. alam ko, meron. buhay pa ako e. kung mamamatay ako, edi wala na. pero kasi, buhay pa ako. meron pa akong dapat gawin. hindi ko lang alam kung ano.

gusto ko na matapos yung tao para makabalik na ako sa routine ko na maaga gising. i had the discipline and i threw it away or kept it in a box for now kasi holiday but i hope i can get back.

i really want to talk to Bene. mostly about this. but i don't want to bother her so i write it here na lang. i feel like i've bother her more than enough. so yea. probably, next year na lang ulit. i want to sleep earlier tonight and wake up early tomorrow. those late night sleeps during CI didn't really helped me much.

i had my time with CI. now, i don't think i should. but if i'm gonna get involved again, i want to speak to the young people. tell them things that a 26 year old guy knows. i hope i can make a difference.

i want to write a song. the song Tides really move me. it's like So Will I. or maybe, i want to record my own version of these songs as a start. gusto kong i-record yung progress ko for 2022. not for sharing. but just to look back. i know i can live a better life. i know i can have a healthier body. i know i can smile and love more.

i'm glad i can still smile even if i'm a bit down. it's just the end of the year, not the end of the world. not the end of my life, tho i don't really know when will I end.

i don't really feel like greeting everyone a happy new year but i hope that the world will have a better year compared to the last two. i hope we can have all the best things that 2020 and 2021 denied us. i hope we can share smiles again. i hope we still have this hope that someday, a cough will just be a cough. a flu will just be a flu. and kids can go play outside again.

i desire to be a better man in 2022 onwards. i desire to smile and love more. i desire to do more things that i don't typically do. i desire to make a change. i desire to inspire people. i desire to learn more. i desire to help more. i desire to serve more. i desire live as best as i could.

[pajtypes]

day one: Simbang Gabi

Mga Taga-Roma 15:12-13 RTPV05

Idinagdag pa ni Isaias, “May isisilang sa angkan ni Jesse, upang ito'y maghari sa mga Hentil; siya ang kanilang magiging pag-asa.” Puspusin nawa kayo ng Diyos na siyang bukal ng pag-asa, at nawa ay pagkalooban niya kayo ng kagalakan at kapayapaan sa pamamagitan ng inyong pananampalataya, upang mag-umapaw ang inyong pag-asa sa pamamagitan ng kapangyarihan ng Espiritu Santo.

Part One: What you have

Pinagpala tayo dahil kilala ay may relasyon tayo sa Diyos at dahil dito, tayo ay palaging pinupuspos ng pagpapala, kagalakan, kapayapaan, at pag-asa.

Throughout the pandemic, a lot of people have given up. Maraming nagka-Covid, maraming pumanaw, maraming naka-survive, pero marami ring araw-araw pa ring nahihirapan. Wala silang Covid pero nahihirapan sila sa sitwasyon na nararanasan natin. We had to wear face masks and face shields to protect ourselves. We have to bathe our bodies with alcohol. We have to sanitize our place and keep it disinfected para lang hindi magka-Covid. None of us were used to doing this on the daily. None of us know when this will end but I hope we still think that this will end one day. Even if we don't know. At least we have this hope that everything will get back to the way it used to. Wherein you can see someone's smile, not just their eyes, but their whole face. I really miss showing off my dimples in public.

Part Two: What You Can Give

For as long as I was a kid, I always look forward to Christmas every year and think of how much money will my Ninongs and Ninangs give me. How many new things I'll acquire. How much food and drinks will I be able to consume. Mostly material things. When I start earning my own money, I start to think of the new things that I can buy. Things that will help "improve" my overall being. Things that I can brag about with my friends.

But as I grow old and mature, I realized that it's not how much you as a person can get. But it's actually how much you can give. Yes, you can still give material things like money, toys, appliances, mugs, towels, but I hope that we don't forget to share some important intangible things as well such as time, love, care, prayers. The things that we'll mostly remember about each other. The things that actually lasts.

I have listed three things that I would like to share not just this Christmas, but on the daily. With the people that I come across.

Number 1: Smile

Dimples brag. Hahaha. But on a serious note, a smile is actually contagious. I'm looking forward to the day where masks will just be optional. Wherein you can go out not thinking if you have a mask with you or not. Not worrying about the virus. Not thinking about the pandemic anymore.

Number 2: Kindness

This, I think, is the 2nd Christmas that we'll have in this hard times. For some, it will just be the same, just with masks on but for most, this Christmas will no longer be the same as they have lost their loved ones in times of crisis. We all had a fair share of difficulties. For someone like me, it's not as hard as some of the difficulties that my friends suffered.

I hope we can all be a little bit kinder to ourselves and towards each other. None of us know what each of us is going through, maliban sa sarili natin.

Number 3: Hope

Going back to the verse, I hope we can also share the hope that has been given to us by the Lord our God. Honestly, I think most of us really needs hope. We all need to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel that we all are in. Many have already given up but I hope that all of us here can see the pandemic ending.

I hope we can start a spark that will spread the hope to the people around us.

Lastly, I would just like to share an experience.

Ever since nagstart yung lockdown, WFH na kami sa company. After a year, my mom and my sisters got back to getting physically sa workplace nila. And then, my sisters tested positive for Covid-19.

By this time, nakalipat na ako ng room sa rooftop namin. I was there staying alone. But every time I went to bed, I always think that one day, my mom will test positive too. And that what really makes me scared. All of my family, positive sa covid maliban sakin. It's gonna be hard, walang rooms na available for sure for three people.

So there, I had a panic attack. I can't breath. I can't feel my heart beating. I am so lucky that my mom was so composed that night. She never panicked. I told her about my fears and worries sa hospital. We were able to get back home and sleep peacefully.

So before I end, I would just like to say that no matter how scared you are, always make sure that you have faith. A faith a little bigger than your fears.

[pajtypes]

update

Hi!

So I haven't written anything here since yesterday and I almost forgot to add something for today as well but all is okay naman.

I've been making tiny progress everyday which hopefully can amount to something big in the future.

As of now, I'm still doing what I can do to improve my health physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and most of all, spiritually.

I want to be a better man. I want to be used again for the Lord's mission.

Good bye!

[pajtypes]

breakthroughs

Okay, so I'm 94 kgs na as of today. 94.9 to be exact but still a progress. A really good progress as I was able to break the 95 kgs barrier.

Man, that feels so good. I want to cry but more importantly, I want to thank the Lord for His continuous guidance.

I'm more prayerful recently. I'm happy that I'm really finding my way back. My prayers are more real, morning and night. It just really feels good.

I sing worship songs from time to time and they usually make me cry. Seeing how I am always saved by the Lord is just so imaginable. Considering that I am not really one of the best servants out there.

I know there's still more for me here so I have to really prepare for it. I had a vision of not just speaking but also writing my own book. I really hope my next mission will be revealed soon.

Good bye!

[pajtypes]

burp

Hello, I'm okay.

Today, I learned about desires and discipline. Like habits, it will be better if I know what my desires really are so I'll learn what discipline is. I desire to be fit. Used to dream about it but now, I really want to be fit. I'm happy with my small progress and not try to not do things that will waste all the progress that I've made.

I'm still deciding if I'll jump rope later this afternoon. I thought, I was working out too much that's why I experienced arrhythmia but I still want to try.

I'm feeling a lot of things but I am okay overall. I'm able to move more than I ever did before, on a day to day basis. I'm more mindful of what I do, my time, and what I eat.

I desire to stick to what I'm doing and do it better.

[pajtypes]

spread

I didn't actually plan to write this one down but I thought I'd learn it better if I actually write, or in this case, type it down.

I have been realizing a lot of better things to do and here they are:

Movement - for movement, I'll be spreading it throughout my day rather than just doing one helluva workout in the morning or afternoon. By doing this, I can mimic a much active lifestlye. What I did today was to constantly remind myself that I have to stand up and move for 5 minutes. This usually involves squats, leg raises, push ups, and calf raises. You know, just to really get moving.

Meals - for meals, I realized na hindi naman dapat laging mabusog every time na kumakain ako. Minsan, yung malamanan lang yung tiyan, okay na. Sabi nga ni Charles Boyle, "Now, I only eat for sustenance."

Eto na lang muna for now as these are the top two things that I'm really focusing on. If I can and have the opportunity, I want to do a daily walking session. Kahit for 30 minutes lang.

Bye!

[pajtypes]

early bird

Hello!

I had to wake up super early today at around 3 in the morning since I am required to report to work by 4am. Gladly, I am able to do so without experiencing a hard time getting up.

I'm grateful that the Lord gave me a clear presence of mind as I almost went back to sleep again. I would have not made it if not for Him.

For today, I am going to stand up and do some activities every hour to make sure that I stay active. Squats, leg raises, calf raises, pushups, and stairs for now while I also keep my eating habits in check.

I'm grateful for my mom and for my mindset and that I am able to do these things will hopefully keep my blood pressure in check.

Bye!

[pajtypes]

tuesdays

Hello,

So I have been reading Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. It talks about death and life and I'm yet to finish this book.

At this point of my life, I'm really thinking what should I do? What my purpose is in this world. I keep on asking God but I still don't have an answer. All I know is that, for now, I would like to speak to people. To share them my story or my thoughts, but I really want this to be aligned with what God wants me to do.

I really hope I can get my answer as soon as I can. I'm still working on my workouts and diet. I don't think I can eat meals for now. I think I should be sticking more on snacks? I don't really get as hungry as I used to so I might as well take advantage of it.

I'm grateful for my mom and my family. For Mitch, for Morrie. And I know that I want to live a better life, a life worth living.

Good bye.

[pajtypes]

nu phone, hu dis?

Hey!

I got a new phone! Samsung Galaxy A22 4G. I gave my old phone to my sister kasi she needs it for her NFT thingy daw sa phone.

Anyways, today is laba day. I did try to work out earlier and I felt the arrhythmia again. It really feels like na-oover ako sa workout? I'm planning to be more active throughout the day kesa umaga lang. I hope this will help me with my high blood pressure.

I also got a bp monitor and it turns out, nasa Stage 1 na ako. Manageable pa naman daw basta magswitch lang to a much active lifestyle kung ayaw pa ng medications. I really hope I can change my lifestyle and stick to it.

I'm grateful still for my mom, who is always there, supporting me kahit na dapat ako na yung nagssupport sa family. I guess I'll listen to her more because mommas know best.

I'll be meeting Bene tomorrow for the first time. I want to hug her as she has been great friend to me. I want cuddles but hugs lang muna for now.

Bye!

[pajtypes]

fishies

Hello!

Namalengke kami ni mother kanina sa Kadiwa for the first time again since nagCovid19. It's okay. Maraming tao pero hindi siksikan. You can see that most of them are still trying to live.

Na-realize ko na mahirap ang buhay sa palengke, especially kung ang tinitinda mo ay perishable goods like fruits, veggies, fish, meat, poulty, basta lahat ng nabubulok. Meron kang deadline para mabenta mo. Merong deadline kung saan considered fresh pa at medyo mataas pa yung prices mo, merong ding deadline kung saan forced na si seller na ibaba yung prices nya kasi hindi na ganun kaganda yung quality nung mga goods nya.

I've always thought that there are people who were meant to be in those places. Meron talagang destined maging taong palengke, pulis, nurse, doctor, at iba-iba pang mga service works para gumabay satin kapag may kailangan tayo. Hindi lahat magiging successful sa buhay. Merong mga taong doon talaga inilagay.

Hindi ko pa alam kung saan talaga ako ilalagay pero gusto kong mahanap na yung lugar ko dito sa mundo para masimulan ko nang gawin yung mga bagay na dapat kong gawin.

Grateful ako sa momma ko pa rin. Bumili sya ng pompano para sakin. Ang mahal non. 167 pesos para sa isang pirasong isda. 167 pesos na minsan, meal na ng isang buong pamilya.

Naisip ko ngayon na hindi talaga balanse ang mundo. Kelangan natin ng Avatar para magbigay ng balanse sa lahat. Lagi kong naiisip na kung paghahatian lang natin ang yaman ng ating mundo, edi sana walang nagugutom. Kahit yun lang, yung walang magugutom at mauuhaw, okay na simula na siguro yon.

Bakit ba kasi nagkaroon ng goal na dapat yumaman ang isang tao. Na dapat malaki yung sweldo nya. Na dapat malaki yung bahay, higit sa isang sasakyan. Kung iyong ang basihan ng tagumpay, tila ba ayoko na magtagumpay.

Paanong ang isang taong kagaya ako, paano ako magtatagumpay na hindi akma sa tagumpay na sinasabi ng mundo?

Paalam.

[pajtypes]

hdl, ldl, lada lada...

Hi!

Galing akong hospital again today to have the Holster removed. It went well. Saglit lang. Got to read a bit of The Alchemist, which is turning out to be a real and recommended read.

I got my lab test results today as well and unsurprisingly, mataas yung cholesterol ko in general pati na rin yung LDL ko, while mababa naman yung HDL, which is completely wrong.

So, I've been researching ways on how to lower my LDL while increasing my HDL in general to help my overall cholesterol go down and it looks like, I'm switching to oatmeal in general.

For now, I'm researching kung anong type ba ng oatmeal yung "best" for me since maraming types or kinds yung oatmeal. After "conducting" a bit of research, it turns out na any kind will do, since they're still whole grain, or at least, still give fibers better than any alternatives.

I want to say that today, I'm grateful for the The Alchemist as it gives me a lot of insights on how I should live my life while not forgetting to listen to myself and pursue my Personal Legend. I hope I still have or win back my omens.

Bye!

[pajtypes]

Hitl... Holter

Hello!

So galing akong hospital today para magpa-2D Echo, ECG, palagay ng Holter, at blood test.

All went well. I feel like Iron Man today. I have to monitor my activites tho and lodge it sa diary. Clar is too nice of a nurse and sana magkaron na sya ng kasama para di na sya ma-stress.

Short lang ulit for today. I feel like, short lang to pag happy ako and long pag sad. I'm still and always grateful for my mom, my heart, my work, and my life, but today, I want to highlight these things that I'm truly grateful for:

Jarelle from Camella

Clar from Asia Medic

Nelli from RBank

As they helped me alleviate my worries and stress. Lastly, the Lord, for using these people to help me meet my needs.

Bye!

[pajtypes]

sleep

Hello!

I got more than 8 hours of sleep last night! Feels so good. Got to water and mist most of the plants and also, I stared to measure my rice intake. I'm looking forward to making better decision - big or small - in order to make my life better.

I'm always grateful for:

my mom

my heart

my work

my mind

and my friends

The housing loan is still on the works but I hope we can finalize it soon with Jarelle's awesome help.

I'll keep this one short for today. Here's a song that you can listen to.