pandagoreng

[pandagoreng]

Facebook memories just made me remember that when I was a teenager, I used to like writing notes about whatever it is that was in my head— mostly about relationships. I was definitely young and dumb, but my notes were somewhat valid because I was in a relationship or a situationship lol.

This made me want to start writing it again, but because I have not been in a romantic relationship for so long (haha), I am actually triggered to write about how healing comes in waves.

I was too young to define whether the relationship that I was in was toxic or not. But coming out from it, I felt a carved loneliness for the very first time. It was not my first letting go of someone, but perhaps because of my age, I was more aware and conscious about what my heart was feeling. I had to hit my own chest because hurting my physics would somewhat lessen the heartache—or so I thought.

I clammed. I cried. I shut up and shut down. I pretended I was busy, but I went to the bathroom and cried. Apparently these moments were still very vivid in my head, and that made me wonder— if I have not forgotten about it, does this mean that I have not healed, am not healing, and am bound to my past?

______________________

There was this time when I was still vulnerable and a person came around, trying to just be there. I was not ready. I kept creating lines and tried to find their most littlest mistakes, so it could convince me that this was not the right timing, and that person is not the right one. I had to create a fake sense of being in control rather than leaving it to an unforeseen open ending, because I fear abandonment.

On and on, when this person finally got tired of waiting and actually left, I would wonder— Was I not that worthy? Was it that easy to leave me out? Am I not special?

I blamed the timing when I shouldn’t have blamed anyone, really. I shouldn’t even have blamed myself, because I hadn’t known better that time.

Flings after, it was easy to shove everyone off. I was prioritizing myself, my growth, my interests. I was surrounded with friends, I didn’t have the time to fall in then loneliness pit. I didn’t realize that the wall I built is now sky-high.

Years passed by, everyone close to me had moved on to a new life stage. Instead of jealousy, I’m only feeling strong and independent. I literally treat myself like a queen, and I’d accept no less than what I deserve. But this time, loneliness creeped in and stayed a little more while before I push it off again.

Believing I am now standing invincibly on my feet, I said “Okay, let’s try again. Let’s see where this goes. No matter what they did to me, I’d still feel good about myself anyway.”

Boom! Jinxed.

I felt worthless. Again.

The cycle repeats: they came - I created lines - I pushed them away - they left - I felt worthless. Why am I still feeling this way? I made sure that I had 100% confidence in myself when trying it out. Why do I sink still?

Being more honest now, I finally talked it out with some of my closest friends and they reminded me that healing is not linear— it comes in waves. Ah, right. Why am I so hard on myself?

Some days I’d feel invincible, my self-love soars— but someday I may fear abandonment, I might cry over defining my self-worth based on how much they are willing to love me.

But hey, after every cycle, it takes me a shorter time to get back up. Once I realize it’s time to get out from my head’s loop, I swim to the surface and I’m fine again. I always go back loving myself. This is my kind of ‘healing comes in waves’.

No matter what kind of healing you need to go through right now, even with those battle scars, you don’t need to be ashamed of anything. Do remember to go back loving yourself and treating yourself right, because no one can love you more than you do, ya? :)

#healing

[pandagoreng]

Empat belas tahun.

Betul, sepi kadang menoreh hati.

Tapi sampai saat ini, kamu tetap yakin bahwa sendiri lebih baik daripada memendung sedih.

Sempat kamu tergelitik, apa ini saat yang dinanti?

Tapi lelah kembali berulang.

Lagi-lagi, tidak terasa berarti— diri ini, dan gemetar hati yang terhenti.

Tapi sekarang kamu sadar, cinta tak hanya sebuah sekedar. Percayalah, kan ada pujangga yang mencinta seperti apa yang kau cita. Berdua bersama, erat genggam jalan bersama.

Sabar ya, hitung lagi berapa matahari yang terbenam. Hebatnya kita ada di titik ini. Jangan putus asa, ya?

Besok, bulan depan, tahun depan, dan berikutnya lagi

Meski mungkin kita masih sendiri

Aku harap kita tetap saling mencintai.

Duapuluhlimanovemberduapuluhtiga.

[pandagoreng]

I will be surprised of how good you’re treating me, and how much it feels right.

I deserve to be loved the way I love, and I don’t even need to fight for it.

I will :)

[pandagoreng]

Kapan tiba,

tahukah ku mendamba?

[pandagoreng]

Let’s fall in love with the person— not with the idea of falling in love.

And remember to be with someone who is excited to love you.

I didn’t understand what it meant before, now I do.

[pandagoreng]

I was just saying it last time, wasn’t I?

Today I found this 🤣

[pandagoreng]

I think now I kinda get what being ready means:

When I stop spitting about what I want, but how I want that person to feel instead.

When I stop saying “I want to chill alone still,” and start saying “I want that person to feel loved and wanted.”

[pandagoreng]

She had it rough— but does not mean she’ll stop.

[pandagoreng]

Jika cinta hanya dipendam,

dapatkah suatu saat ia redam?

[pandagoreng]

It’s scary,

to think that I can be so vulnerable when you’re here.

[pandagoreng]

I am not settling for less. I can, and I will, get the kind of loving and relationship that I am hoping for— getting an amount of love as much as what I give.

Appear soon :)

[pandagoreng]

Lately I’ve been wishing for your presence.

Wouldn’t it be nice to to lay down and talk?

[pandagoreng]

Suatu saat kamu akan tahu,

banyaknya rintik hujan setara dengan rinduku yang tak tersampaikan.

[pandagoreng]

I don’t understand how a person can keep hurting you, even in your dreams.

[pandagoreng]

That feeling when you want to unwind things but you don’t even understand what’s tangled.

[pandagoreng]

Selamat satu dekade. Untukmu, dan untukku.

Terima kasih karena sampai saat ini, kita masih saling mencintai— tanpa pernah merasa sendiri.

Getir, sepi, rindu, dan damba.. sempat kembali kita coba. Tapi ternyata tetap bukan dia. Sang pujangga belum tiba.

Apapun terjadi, ingat satu hal ini:

Bahwa kamu, hebat sudah bisa sampai di sini— berdiri dengan lantang dan pasti. Pabila ke depan nanti ada dia di sisi, jangan hilang jati diri yang kamu bangun menerjang segala peri. Buang dinding egomu, namun bukan harga diri dan nilai yang kamu junjung tinggi.

Aku yakin tahun depan, dan berikutnya, dan selamanya, kita akan terus saling mencintai.

Dari aku, yang mengasihi sosokmu saat ini.

[pandagoreng]

When I stop talking to you for a while, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I hate you.

It is the time I make peace with myself.