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[pandaminnium]

We had our first date today 5 years ago. February 26, 2018. We found out we lived in the same area after matching on tinder a couple weeks ago, and decided to meet up nearby for dinner. We decided on a Vietnamese restaurant called Em Viet Noodles. It was on a Monday night right after I got off work around 6pm. I had got there first. Walked a little too fast. Texted you I was here first and you said you were walking over. Waited outside the restaurant looking left and right to see where you would come from. A bit nervous because this is first date in a while, first time meeting you. You seemed very nice based on the conversations we had. When I saw a guy who looked like the guy in the tinder profile walk toward me, I quickly looked back down on my phone and pretended to not see you until you got closer. When you were close enough, I looked up, reciprocated the smile you gave me. We hugged and said “hi, nice to meet you” to each other. I was a bit jittery, didn’t expect to hug so soon. You were so friendly. Stepped into the restaurant and we got seated in the middle of the floor. Both our first times here at this restaurant. We got our noodles and ate it over conversation of getting to know each other. I thought the noodles were mediocre. Nothing like regular viet noodles I had before. I focused on you instead.

You were just like your pictures. You were cute. Very broad and muscular upper body. But you had a clear voice. Not so much on the husky, manly side. But it was almost musical to listen to you speak. You had such long lashes that were curled up. I was confused about that. Were they curled on purpose? Are they natural? Can they be natural like that? And then I focused on your voice and tone again. Almost sassy when you spoke at times. Are you gay? But I washed that thought immediately. I can’t remember the chatter we had. But I remember we took turns talking about our past job experiences and a bit of our history. You told me how I remind you of your old self. I can hear how you had believed in me. You gave me tips on dating since I was pretty new at it. You said how to always go on dates that has an outcome favorable to you. Go on dates to a place or restaurant you wanted to go to. So even if the date sucked, at least you got something out of it. You have an example of how if the date is going south, just say you have something else planned an hour later. For sure way to get out of a sticky situation fast. I was amazed with your tips.

After we finished the food, I used the restroom. Checked myself in the mirror made sure I still looked presentable to you. Came back out and we called for bill. As I reach for my wallet you waved your hand at me and said first time was on you. I felt a bit bad and still offered to go half but you insisted. I thanked you

Before leaving the restaurant, there was a witty sticker on the wall near the exit. “Send Noods”. I snapped a picture. As we walked out, we were walking at a slow pace. Not sure where this was going I thought maybe this is the end of the date? But as we were walking and talking, you said if I wanted to see your dog Miso who we talked about prior and I was low key obsessed about. Without even giving it a thought, I automatically responded yes. And then we were on our way to your place. I started to panic a bit. Did I really just say yes to going to a guy’s place just like that?? At 8pm?? With someone I only just met?? I just took a breath and went along. Let’s see where this goes. The streets were dimly lit. Or maybe my eyesight sucks. I turned to you and asked if this was a good date or a bad one. And you smiled back and said “if it were bad, I wouldn’t be inviting you over.” That made me smile also and feel excited to see what happens next.

We walked to 18th Ave and Cropsey Ave and we walked into this corner house property. You lived in the basement floor of that house. Your entrance was from the back of the house. As soon as we stepped in, you call for Miso but she didn’t come out to greet us. You flick on all your lights and head to your room to find Miso. I take off my shoes slowly and lagged behind you. I observed your house a bit. Linear path. Living room first. Spacious with hardly any furniture. Then kitchen was small. Then your bedroom. Looks like you tidied up. Bed was made. Big Tv.

Then, 1 year old Shiba Inu, Miso. She saw me and went straight under the couch. She’s afraid of strangers. You tried to get her out. You put her dog treats in my hand so I can lure her out. It half worked. She ate the treats but dove for cover immediately. You called her out and put her on your bed where you sat down and told me to come sit also. But I refused, as I didn’t want to sit on your bed in my outside clothes. I kneeled on the floor and leaned over your bed and we played with Miso. Why did I thought I caught you taking a peep at my butt. It was fine tho, I had worn my best jeans. We make more small, non memorable chatter.

You mentioned how we should watch a movie and turn on your PS4 and start browsing. You ask what I want to watch and I said anything is fine. You asked me about horror films. I froze for a few seconds. I didn’t want to admit I was terrified of horror films but I had to. But you said I should try it. You decided on It. Asked if I wanted to sit on the bed to watch the movie more comfier. But I still didn’t want to dirty your bed sheets. So you laid down, patted the sofa next to your bed and told me to sit. You put one of your pillows behind me and asked if I was comfy. I nod. You gave me another pillow to hold onto as we started the movie. During the movie, I was intrigued. Still jumped at the scary scenes and hid my eyes a bit. You put your hand on my back and I leaned in slightly into you when I got scared. You held me when I got scared. I felt like you wanted to make a move on me but you were being so polite and just kept your hand on my back the entire time.

After the movie finished, I was a bit spooked. Kept peering into your hallway and thinking about the film. I think I may have used your bathroom. You offered to drive me home since it was midnight now. I was a bit surprised. I thought oh wow you have a car, nice. I said it’s not too far so I can walk but you insisted since it was dark. I asked how late you normally stay up. And you said you can stay up late but normally sleep at 10-11pm. I apologized for staying so late but you said how it’s fine because you wanted to watch the movie with me. I said bye to Miso and we left. Took me out back and we got into your blue Honda civic. I gave you my address and it was so close. It was but a short 5 min ride home. When we got back to my place, we exchanged byes and how it was really fun. We hugged. I don’t remember if we kissed each other on the cheeks goodbye. I think we did. I remember getting home and just really thinking how nice this date was. One of my best dates to this very day. I’ll never forget it.

It’s strange how I still remember two many details about our first date. It makes me happy still thinking about it. It really was one of my most memorable dates I ever had. I remember how we wouldn’t see each other for almost a month after that. We talked for a couple weeks but communication was choppy after that. But every year when my Snapchat gives me a reminder of that “Send Noods” photo I took, I can’t help but smile and think of that date. I do miss you still. But I am healing and doing a lot better now. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. I’m still bitter about you at times. But I can handle things better. And I’ll continue to do better.

[pandaminnium]

“I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me?”

— Unknown

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[pandaminnium]

“I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with what I didn’t deserve.”

— Unknown

[pandaminnium]

[pandaminnium]

Talking to you was supposed to be more than enough. All I asked was you be honest with me and respect my feelings. You knew how I felt long ago. Yet you dare to say you don’t want to lead me on? When right from the start you were. You couldn’t even be honest with me. The one thing about you that made me still believe in you. Your honesty. And you lied to me.

You had a hundred different ways to end whatever situation we still had going on. Yet you chose the approach that broke my already broken heart into a million pieces. Proves you no longer care about me. Or did you not care from the start? Because how could you. How could you proceed to hurt me like that with no remorse.

I feel so dumb. Falling for you like I did. You seem to be a nice and honest gentleman at first. You only date to benefit your own needs. Because you can’t stand being alone. You kept me around because you liked my constant support. But when I try to express my feelings and needs, if it was inconvenient for you, you’ll just flip it on me. You couldn’t truly love me all this time. It was all an act of yours.

And when I finally questioned you and had to find out on my own, you just decide to call it quits and blame it on me being annoying and prying. When in actuality you’re just mad you got caught for lying. You tried to discard me because you didn’t need me anymore since you had other people to replace me. How could you just replace me like that. If I mattered, you wouldn’t have done any of this.

You’re the lowest. Your true colors came out. And I don’t know who you are anymore. It hurts like hell right now, this fresh wound of betrayal that you left. But I will over come this. I feel sorry for you. For not knowing true love. For not knowing how to love. I feel sorry for whoever comes along for you next because they’ll have to deal with your act. But I’m confident the next person will be smarter than me and see right through you the moment you display the first red flag that I had ignored.

You’ll never find someone who will pursue you as hard as I did, who cared and loved you as much as I did. I was good to you. And you just look right past all my good traits expecting more. No one will satisfy you. No one else will try as hard as I did to try and satisfy you. So farewell to you. A man who I thought I knew. My heart aches for the honest and kind man I thought you once to be; for all the memories that I thought was full of true emotions. You’re not worth any of my time and feelings anymore. I deserve better. I will be better and find better. And you’ll be sorry. You’ll come to regret it one day. You may not feel all the pain I feel now. But one day you will come to know pain. You’re cruel. And cruel will find you too. Goodbye.

[pandaminnium]

Why do you even bother trying to look for another relationship if you know you won’t commit to them in the long run.

How could you just move on so easily from me, the me whoa done nothing wrong to you. How could you just easily try to look for someone else. And for what? To give them what you couldn’t give me? How dare you.

[pandaminnium]

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[pandaminnium]

“The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.”

— Robert Tew

[pandaminnium]

Penguin got itself a little treat for evaporating those negative thoughts on the spot. 🍧

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Webtoon  

[pandaminnium]

[pandaminnium]

[pandaminnium]