pandannon

[pandannon]

Repotted my aloe and he’s doing much better now.

[pandannon]

Big emotions for my soft little heart.

Everything is ok. I am ok. Things are going well.

I just can’t seem to catch a break.

Right now I am fighting with the universe for every scrap of happiness I’m getting. And the second I let me guard down, all that happiness gets snatched right back up from me.

[pandannon]

Yeah nope that’s enough. I’ve had enough.

God I’m such a weak and terrible person. I wish I was better at all this. I just need to deal with it and get the fuck over myself.

This too shall pass.

[pandannon]

Feeling quite down at the moment.

My cousin is visiting, which should be a good thing, but he is wholly unimpressed with everything that I am showing him. It’s just brining up feelings of inadequacy and regret. I have some knots in my chest thinking about my family and trips that are supposed to be a ‘once in a lifetime’ sorta deal and disappointment and guilt.

I’m also a bit angry? Angry that so many things are happening here this week that I can’t do because my cousin is here and my research is finally starting (two weeks late). Angry because my support system (which was already tenuous) is faltering. Angry because the food I ordered ended up at the wrong table and they kept complaining that they weren’t getting their order (they just kept getting free food). Angry that I’m not fucking good enough.

I feel like I’ve been having a rolling, chronic anxiety attack for going on three days now.

I can’t relax, I can’t focus. And I cry in the bathroom and under the covers because I barely have any alone time.

I should be able to cope with this but I can’t. And I hate myself, nothing new. Oh god do I hate myself.

Sometimes the love from my parents is the only thing keeping me from walking down a path I can’t return from.

This too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass please please please let it pass

[pandannon]

I would like to think that I am a hard working a determined person. But with a lack of clear directions or steps to achieve a goal, I’m truly floundering.

I know taking time to rest is equally as important as powering through, but I feel like I’m grasping at straws here, running in circles. I can’t turn my panic response off.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

[pandannon]

Yesterday was rough. Really suffering from feelings of isolation and abandonment. Everything turned out ok in the end (by pure chance), but it left my nerves in tatters. And now I kinda just feel numb. Like all my thoughts are just slipping through my head. Ugh. Idk.

[pandannon]

Well, that explains a lot…

I found out last night that I have been obliviously third-wheeling my friend and (what I was under the impression was) a mutual acquaintance for the past month.

I thought they were really close friends. I know that sounds dumb and yes I am quite oblivious, but when we first met this guy my friend texted me terrified because she thought he might be romantically interested in her. And when they sorted out that it was just platonic, she felt better. And I was in the loop for this whole process. Or so I thought I guess.

I totally appreciate that their feelings for each other developed over time. But it just hit me out of left field when she said they’ve been dating for a month.

I’m happy for her, I am, but I also feel a lot of mixed emotions.

When I still thought we were all friends, it was clear that he gave her preferential treatment. Which now I know why. But in the moment I couldn’t help but feel left out. And recontextualizing everything should make me feel better, right? I’m used to third-wheeling couples so I get why now I wasn’t given much thought. But now I just feel further away from her.

I should make it clear, I am not owed any information about her dating life. She could have never told me or told me right from the start and that would have been 100% fine. It’s just the way that she told me, or maybe the way that I am processing all of this. It just makes me feel pretty bad about myself.

Like was I ever really wanted in the situations where I tagged along under the impression that we were all equals? I was all up for supporting him and his endeavors, but now that she’s making herself a walking advertisement for her boyfriend’s craft, I feel uncomfortable with the weight of her pushing it on me.

I know she didn’t mean to, she’s in the puppy love phase and wants to share her newfound happiness with her friends, but she made me feel dumb and undesirable.

She listed all the times that it was obvious they were dating, and the proof was right in front of my eyes. She said that he told her about other people who were paying her a lot of attention, while I was sitting right next to her. And look, I’ll be the first to say how much more attractive (physically and personality wise) she is than me, but it’s just tough to have it spelled out in the open for all to see.

And I told her that this wouldn’t change anything about our friendship, nor how we see her. So I’m not gonna let it change anything. Although now I feel so much has changed.

And the worst thing is, she’s holding this secret over our other friends. Since I was so (neutrally) shocked by the news, and she found great amusent in my reaction, she wants to set up a similar situation to break the news to our other friends. But our other friends know her boyfriend even less, and I fear that they will be (negatively) shocked about it and made into a spectacle.

So I have no one to talk to this about. The person who I want to talk to the most is on the other side of the globe, and I don’t want to go to her with my grievance since it’s been so long since we caught up.



[pandannon]

I’m so over and done with this little part of my life. I want to move on so badly.

Two more days.

[pandannon]

I’m actually not doing too well. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel empty. I know that I feel like this every once in a while, but it’s so much harder now that you are not around. I can’t tell you how much I’m struggling. One because it’s not your fault and you are not responsible for my moods or how I’m feeling. And two because I don’t want to impede on your time away. I hope you are having a good time because I sure as hell am not. But at least if I can imagine you doing well it makes the hurt more manageable.

It’s not your fault. I’m sorry.

[pandannon]

There are words that I can’t even say here. Because I’m too afraid of putting the bad sad vibes out into the world. But isn’t that the whole point of this? To just put it out there so it gets out of my head.

Ugggghhhhh so fricken sad. Im sorry, I don’t want to be but I am.

[pandannon]

I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do about it.

[pandannon]

This post genuinely altered the trajectory of my life and how i make a lot of my decisions and i think about it so much

[pandannon]

In my little box.

I want to leave but tomorrow’s the day so gotta put in the work.

Feeling alone but being bothered by the wrong people : (

[pandannon]

Feeling lonely today.

Also kinda sad and listless.

I want this exam to be over but I know once it is I’ll be even more alone.

[pandannon]

Got myself to go outside for a mental health walk today. Had a nice little bout of anxiety before leaving the flat, but like the good girl I am I got over it and put in the miles.

Saw a swan bully a goose, and then the goose bully some crows. Also saw a pheasant and a crane I think. But most importantly, I saw some ducks 🦆🦆🦆

[pandannon]

I just saw a video of somebody making broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl from scratch for their significant other. And I must be at that point in my cycle again because oh my gosh, if someone was to cook that for me, I would fall in love instantly. And I totally know that I could cook stuff like that for myself but it’s just such a chore when I have to feed myself. 

[pandannon]

Ok.

I’m gonna fucking cook. Then I’m gonna have my silly little counseling meeting that is basically just me lying for 45 minutes. And then I’m gonna clean and do laundry.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go to campus with a packed lunch and fucking study my ass off.

Let’s fucking go.