pandatryst

[pandatryst]

The Demon (part four)

The next morning was announced not by my alarm but by the annoyance of the sun shining in through my curtains. I cursed the failure of my curtains in their vain attempts to hide me from the evil light of the day star. I felt like I had spent all night drinking, it was like the worst kind of hangover, no nausea, but all the body soreness and aches and pains and no real explaination. But there had to be an explanation my fuzzy brain could somehow piece together. Just replay the events that I remember as I remembered them. I spoke to Dr. Chance, I went to run, it started raining, I came back to the apartment, and....

My eyes shot open and I sat up quickly, it was like a memory floodgate opened up as I looked around the room for Anna. My room was a mess, moreso than normal, it looked like a storm came through and in actuality that wasn’t too far from the truth. I slid from the bed, and was still naked and groaned abit as I realized where my soreness came from. I lifted my hand to my chest expecting to feel welt or literal claw marks down my chest and I felt nothing. But...it was as clear and as vivid as the light from the sun was, I remember her clawing down my chest and ripping skin as she did so. I remember the stinging pain and the smell of blood. Then more of the night came into my mind...she and I. Anna and I fucked, like animals in heat. And now she wasn’t here, and I don’t know where she is. Her things were gone, and the destruction of my place and my lust fractured memories of it all are the only traces that it even happened.

I stepped out into my destroyed living room and sighed at the condition of it all. It looked like the clumsiest thief ever tried to break into the place and tripped over every piece of furniture in the place. Nothing was in its right place it was just a giant mess of broken things, books tossed around, and torn clothing. I sighed again and made my way back into my bedroom, cleanup could wait, I had to find her. I found some clothing that at least looked like it belonged together and left my apartment heading out in the direction of campus, I had to cross it to get to her townhouse closer to downtown. I never thought of myself as a good or swift bike rider, but today I traversed everything like it was just a blur. I’m not sure what made me stop at the commons, but I paused there for a few moments and what I saw made my mouth drop. There she was, Anna was here and safe, and with Daniel. I didn’t understand. Why was she here and smiling and happy when just last night she was with me and hurting. I stood still and shocked but I eventually made my way over, steering my bike as I walked it over and I gave what I thought would come out as a normal greeting, but actually sounded like “ermhihowareyou.” In the softest voice imaginable.

Anna didn’t seem put off by my greeting. In fact she smiled the same beautiful smile she’s always given me on first seeing me. “Gabriel, how are you this morning? Did you drink another 8 pack of Red Bull yesterday? You know what it does to you” she said in a cheery, very normal voice.

“An...na.” I was confused nothing was making sense or equaling our right in my head. “We need to talk about last night.”

Daniel was coming around to the conversation but it was Anna who spoke up. “Last night? Last night I went to Daniel’s concert and went home early because I wasn’t feeling well.” My heart was beating hard in my chest. What was this shit? I know. I have a wrecked living room that says that was a lie. Her body however seemed to bare no marks either and the look on her face seemed as passive and cheery as ever. Though Daniel was looking annoyed. Another of her friends Elise was coming over as well so I quickly shot out the first lie I could think of.

“Oh you...you just I guess butt dialed me on accident. All I heard was a lot of wind and grunting.” I hoped the look on my face didn’t betray the nervousness I felt in having to come up with a lie on the spot. Daniel seemed to accept it, Elise didn’t but Elise was a giant bitch anyway.

Anna laughed, “Wind and grunting? It must’ve been me running back and forth to the bathroom to throw up last night, it was bad Daniel, so very bad you wouldn’t believe.” She said turning to her boyfriend in a very poor me kind of way as one would expect from a cute girl trying to earn sympathy affection from her doting boyfriend.

I forced a smile and lifted my hand. “Well as long as it wasn’t anything serious. Would have hated to ignore everything and something had happened. I’ll see you on Monday in Chance’s class.” With that I turned before any further response was given. I needed to get out of there I HAD to get out of there.

I don’t remember the bike ride home, but what I do remember is the fact I felt sick. Like to the literal pit of my stomach. Like the life had literally been sucked out of me. How could she? She acted as if it was nothing, like nothing happened. I trudged up the steps to my apartment and opened the door and the evidence was still there, everything was just as broken as before. This was the proof of what happened. How could she deny it? Was she just fucking with me? Do I really mean that little to her? It was more than just Daniels presence, it was the fact that I saw in her eyes it meant nothing, it was just like brushing your teeth, that’s how she could so easily deny it.

What? What is this? Tears? Why was I crying? It wasn’t like the most beautiful goddess I had ever seen had graced me with more than her attention, she had opened up heaven to me, then showed me it was nothing more than an illusion. I had liked her for so long...

“Gabriel!”

My thoughts were interupted and my head turned and standing in my closing doorway was Nikki. Literally the last person I wanted to see right now, but the only person I knew wouldn’t judge me. She saw the state of my apartment and my tears and she rushed to me kneeling next to me. “Gabe, Gabe...are you okay? Did you get robbed? Were you here for it?”

I shook my head. “No, no I wasn’t robbed. I...I had sex. With Anna.”

Nikki looked confused. “And that explains your apartment being destroyed, how?”

I looked away from her for a moment then looked back to her. “It was very enthusiastic sex.”

Nikki looked stunned a moment, but in that moment her eyes seemed to grow alittle colder. “Alright, well let’s get everything cleaned up and you can tell me exactly what happened.”

So clean we did, and I recounted my story from when I came home that night to her on my steps, to me coming back after my embarrassment. After my story was finished I sat down and put my head in my hands. “Go on, tell me what a worthless doofus I am for getting so worked up over meaningless sex.”

To my surprise I didn’t hear her chiding voice or anything that resembled her getting on to me. She knelt in front of me and took my hands, her head moving to make sure our eyes met before she spoke. “You are not worthless. For fuck sake you are an amazing man, worth 100 Daniels.” She gripped my hands tighter. “I have known you forever. And...I...have loved you just about that long. First as family, but then more.” Her voice was so serious, never had I heard her this serious. “Gabe...I know you’ve snuck looks at me while I was changing when we were in high school. I know you named the female love interests in your role playing games after me.” She tilted her head. “You coming to live with mom and I was sudden, your mother had died and there was never a right time or opportunity and then life took over. But...let me make up for the opportunity we missed.”

Her breathing had accelerated, her chest moving much faster than before and I couldn’t stop staring. “Nikki, you have Jeremy.” I studdered out.

“But I want you. Not him. Kiss me and I’m yours.” Her eyes watched me carefully. “And I mean in every way.”

She was right, I had spent years infatuated with Nikki, even loving her in my own way, but the situation kept us apart, but now there didn’t seem to be a reason to deny something I had wanted. I took her head gently in my hand and lowered my own head and brushed my lips against hers gently. Kissing her so very softly, it was a complete difference from my experience with Anna. It was just as intense, but so much more sensual. The kiss broken and she smiled to me and I stood helping her up I pulled her back to my bedroom and along the way we lost bits of clothing till we were in nothing but boxers and panties and bra. I stopped her before her hands went for my boxers and I grinned to her. “No ma’am. Ladies first.”

Her bra was one that latched in the front, I undid the latch and pulled the article of clothing from her. Her panties were simple, but obviously expensive, prolly from the underwear store in the mall. I looked her sweet form over, her build was wider, but she was a curvy thing. Beautiful in every way that mattered. My fingers ran over her skin and it was so soft and warm. Those fingers dug into her flesh, but while I was distracted she pushed me hard in the chest and sent me on my back in the bed and mybeyes shot open as she reached for the band of my boxers and pulled them down and off letting them hit the ground and she crawled up onto me. “Gabe...let me give myself to you. Allow me this, please sir.”

My eyes watched her and my mouth was open. Never before had I seen something like this before. Mental, emotional, and physical submission. It was beautiful and bright I didn’t feel like I deserved it. But here it was...her hands were moving and felt it curl around my cock as she positioned herself nicely and pushed herself down into my cock with a soft moan and a bit of grunting as it filled her. She began to ride me slowly taking her time. She was obviously no amateur at this, but the way she moved and sounded, something about this was new to her. Maybe she was finally with the man she truly wanted. This connection completes us.

Her body began to move faster, lifting and falling in that sweet rhythm every down thrust ended in a wet slap as her juices began to flow freely. She was soaking wet and getting wetter by the moment. My hands lifted and slid along her hips and gripped them firmly. Pulling her down harder onto my cock. My hands sliding around and would cup her ass as she rode me. My hand lifting to slap her ass sharply as she let go a sharp gasp as she rode harder and harder. It was so obvious she was working towards her climax and I wasn’t far behind. This was everything I wanted, everything I needed it to be. I loved Nikki, and now I could express that love in every way. Her velvet warm tunnel finally gripped my cock hard and she came so very hard around that cock, almost strangling it, but at the same time milking me for what it wanted. I came hard inside of her, before I could give any sort of warning, my face a mixture of pure pleasure and panic. She saw that look and got the most evil grin on her face. “Don’t look at me like that, Gabe. If I didn’t want your seed in me, I would have gotten off and sucked you dry. In fact before we are done you may get just that.”

That caused me to smirk. “Good to know you aren’t done.” My hand came to her shoulder and pushed her over to her back. “Because we have a lot of time. And so much to make up for.”

[pandatryst]

A weird opinion of love.

I am weird when it comes to my opinion of love. I have hurt and been hurt a lot in my life. I try to rationalize love, like there is some secret formula. Like it’s kfcs chicken recipe and I’m the fatty at the buffet. Everyone wants love, everyone deserves happiness. People say all the time “you gotta love yourself” or “find your happiness alone.”

I can say I have never loved myself. I’m not saying I’m some self loathing scab. I am saying I have never been perfectly happy with myself. There are two people, two in the whole wide world that can look at me and I sit up straighter. I would become Superman for them.

One doesn’t talk to me anymore. But unfortunately I would jump at the chance to have her back in my life. And I say unfortunately because she doesn’t deserve that place. As a friend or even an acquaintance. She hurt me in ways she will never know. She led me before my “friends” like a sheep to the slaughter and said everything would be okay. But the moment her next boyfriend and girlfriend flipped out on me, I was set to the side. We couldn’t be friends anymore. And she was my confidant, my one friend I could take anything too. She was truly special to me. And I loved her, and that love has changed, soured to the point it’s unrecognizable. She was someone who needed me, the same way I needed them. Someone who could tell me what I should do, and what I am capable of. I’m just a giraffe running down a beach forever.

The other, I love. Unconditionally. I feel like I’m just a watchman, overseeing her life. Our relationship is complicated. Never been easy, but it’s made me content with myself when I’m needed. I find myself less needed now. She is my person. The person who makes me a better human being. She can read my facial expressions better than anyone. She knows when I’m happy or sad or faking one to hide the other. We don’t lie to each other. We just sometimes don’t hear what the other is saying. Recently she was so scared that she was going to lose me as a friend. Completely. It was hard to watch her suffer with that thought. I’m not sure why I mean so much to her. We have a past, we are close to each other. We know without a doubt we will be there for each other. We love each other. It’s a weird relationship. Sometimes all I wanna do is hold her and share that bond. Sometimes I wanna throw her down and fuck her like the dirty girl she is. And other times I’m her cheerleader while she pays attention to people who aren’t me. Unconditional. The worst part is, she used to think she was someone I just tolerated, that she annoyed me. She was so wrong. And there was so much wasted time. I should have never been apart from her. How much different would thing have been had I been the friend she needed this whole time.

Love isn’t easy. And you can do everything right, and you can be 100% everything someone needs and still not have that love returned. It’s happened a lot to me. So the common denominator is me, so I struggle to figure out just what I am missing. And I think I figured it out. In order for a relationship to become something permanent you need both contentment and happiness. One is just not enough, and both people need to share these traits. Women are content with me, because I can provide, I’m not half bad in the bedroom, I am generous with my time and reasources. But they are not happy with me...and I have no idea why. And I don’t suppose I will ever get that answer. What defect am I plagued with that makes someone incapable of being happy with me.

Maybe, just maybe there is no secret formula. That attraction really is just a chemical reaction to the person you genetically vibe with the most. Maybe that attraction is enough to overcome doubts and fears...to hold you close every single night, into the deepest of darkness. By that logic you may never encounter the one you are supposed to be with. What do you do then? Do you live life just fulfilling each other’s physical needs without ever having the connection of true and complete love.

Love is not simple. Unless you are actually in love, then nothing else could be more easy.

[pandatryst]

Does she think of me...

(Yes it’s my first try at writing a song. I have the tune in my head, but I only sing for special occasions and certain people.)

Does she think of me, when she’s staring at the mirror? Does she think of me, when she gets up in the morning? Does she think of me, when in her bed she lays her head? Does she think about me, about me — as much as I think about her?

I step out in this world, as a complete and confident fella. But when I look at her, I can’t help, but think there is a piece of my puzzle still missing. And when she looks at me, in all - her - glory, I wonder why I deserve to walk along side the brightest star in my universe.

Does she think of me, when she looks at another? Does she think of me, when she’s alone at night? Does she think of me, when she surrounded by so many? Does she think about me, about me — as much as I think about her.

I am consumed by my thoughts, I dwell on my past. So many times I’ve willingly put my hand into razor wire, for a brief touch of peace. Peace I need, and peace I’ve had but the bite of the past always comes back to haunt.

Is she afraid to lose me...like I’m afraid to lose her.

Is she afraid I will find love...like I’m afraid she will.

Is she afraid to love me...because she is afraid to hurt.

Is she afraid to let me love her...because she sees the pain I still hold.

Does she think of me, when she’s staring at the mirror? Does she think of me, when she gets up in the morning? Does she think of me, when in her bed she lays her head? Does she think about me, about me — as much as I think about her?

[pandatryst]

The state of me address

One of the things I said I would do when I started this blog was write, thoughts, fiction, dreams, dark stuff, happy stuff whatever. This post is my current mental state as close as I can rationalize it.

Social state — I thought I would miss them a lot more than I do. But I don’t. I think mentally everyone checked out of each other’s life’s so severing the tie that binded us hurt at first, but now it feels the exact same as always. Nothing changed except there are no expectations. I don’t miss them, which either makes me cold or means we were never friends. My current roommate is going through shit. General, my life sucks, I’m a failure stuff, everyone who has to restart their life goes through. She’ll be fine. If abit dramatic.

Work state — I hate winn dixie. If the hotel could match my winn dixie pay I would quit winn dixie in a heartbeat.

Financial state — Safe and looking forward to the end of the month. It’s nice having a room mate who isn’t constantly lieing to me about the bills, and how much they really are.

Romantic state — I have...a friend. It’s a weird situation. We are together and then we aren’t at the same time. It’s the illusion of distance, but if we’re honest we’ve crossed all sorts of barriers but don’t acknowledge them in order to keep our relationship exactly where it is. And I love where our relationship is. There isn’t an expectation, she doesn’t expect me to deal with her shit...but I offer and most of the time she accepts. I love her...I’m in love with her...but as much as she doesn’t want a relationship to be serious. I agree with her. She and I for different reasons are just not there. She values her freedom right now. And I want my next relationship to be my last. We do sweet romantic things for each other, in the back of my mind I wonder if she does these things with her other guy friend. Because I am self defeating and she knows...she knows the exact look on my face I get when that thought crosses my mind. How did I let her in so far? And why can’t I get enough?

[pandatryst]

The definition of love

Love is soft, yet powerful.

Rough yet, soothing.

Love is a puzzle piece, but never the whole puzzle.

Love is not a game, it cannot be won or earned or taken. Only given when the time is right, when God shows you the light.

Love is rainy night and sunny days.

Love is a quick kiss in the morning, and exhausted embraces at night.

Love is having your sandwich cut in half, even though you didn’t actually need it cut.

Love is having your hair stroked like a child to put your mind to sleep.

Love is the hardest of truths, and not a single lie.

Love is being open to the one who shares your heart. And closed to the outside world that judges what you have.

Love is not possession, it is protection.

Love is not jealousy, it is confidence.

Love is not spending every day together, but rather dreaming of what tomorrow will bring.

Love is not sex, it is intimacy.

Love is not lust or desire or want. Love is about a need that sits in the bottom on your stomach.

Love is not about who is smarter, it is about knowing each other.

Love is not about beauty, for the hearts of two that God has joined outshines any outer glory.

Love is not about whips and chains, nor paddles and crops, love is about the trust to use such things together.

Love is not control, it is freedom.

Love does not have to be equal, it exists unto itself.

Love is not marriage or children, love is about the foundation that supports both.

Love is pure, unbridled, and can keep the most tired going, and the most hurt from collapsing.

Love is not a title, it is an essence.

Love is love. And step by step I move closer to it.

[pandatryst]

The Demon (part three)

My heart, my heart was beating out of my chest. I could hear it inside my ears, I could feel it in my feet, my heart felt so big and heavy I couldn’t hardly take a breath. My eyes couldn’t focus, wouldn’t focus, out of fear that if they did the scene before me would disappear and fade into nothing. Her words stunned me, and it took several moments before I could form words, but even when I did they were soft words. “Let’s get you inside and cleaned up. I have some first aid stuff in the kitchen. Let me...” I pulled to stand up and her hands like cold iron talons dug into my arms and pulled me back down and she forced out eyes to meet. “Gabriel...I offered you what you want. You don’t think I noticed? You don’t think I saw the way you looked at me.”

Her words were just menacing as they were alluring. What had happened, how did she get here, why did she look a mess, who hurt her? I shook my head away from those thoughts. Those were problems for later. I gripped her now and pulled her up and reached and took out my key sliding it into the door. “Inside, we will clean you up.” If I had known what was to come, would I have still invited her inside? If I knew in perfect hindsight the pain it would cause us both, I might have been justified in leaving her in the rain. I pulled her into my apartment and closed the door locking it behind us. Her eyes immediately began wandering and she smiled, through all of this she smiled. “I’ve never been to your place before...It’s very...you...I love it.”

My apartment was a small flat, which had a sitting room, bathroom, kitchen and dining area, and a bedroom. Almost spartan in its simplicity, but it looked well lived in. The couch and loveseat were the sight of many late nights with the other elites, talking, eating, studying, drinking, and playing games. The kitchen had suffered many of my cooking failures and more pleasantly Nikki’s successes with the trusty crock pot. My bedroom was the sight of many naps Nikki, we had that kind of brother and sister bond, that maybe at one point could have been more, but now has simply moved on from what it was to likely the deepest friendship I have.

My mind was snapped back to reality hearing Anna shuffle around the room, she had sat at her usual spot on the loveseat and had picked up a picture off the coffee table. It was our last meet as a unit, her senior year, we were all sporting medals and trophies. It was likely the happiest but most tired we had ever been in our lives. I moved into the kitchen and came back out with the first aid kit. I sat next to her and immediately felt something, almost an electricity between us, but I didn’t withdraw I only paused and looked to her. Those beautiful eyes looked so deep, as though they held all of the universe in them. I went to speak but it was her voice I heard. “Your eyes, I’ve never noticed the golden glow before.”

I took a deep breath, I had no idea what she was talking about, my eyes were a deep, dark brown, almost a black. I took in a slow breath. “Let me clean your lip, and then let’s get you in the shower and into something that isn’t ripped and if you want you can tell me what happened and we can go from there.” I began to carefully clean her lip but as I cleaned away the dried blood the cut really didn’t look as bad as it seemed. “That’s really weird.” As I set the cloth back down I stood to go and get her my old track sweats the change into. When I heard a clatter behind me.

I turned and looked to Anna, she had knocked the first aid kit into the floor. I stood there stunned a moment. What was she doing? I’m just trying to help. Her eyes still watching me she spoke softly. “One of Daniels friends tried to have his way with me. I took a few tumbles getting away, but you know how fast I am.” She stood and walked over to me closing that distance and pressing her body into mine. “I didn’t know why I was compelled to come here, but I think I do now. Gabe, you’ve been watching and dreaming for this moment, the chance to have me here with you.” He hands had been moving and pulled her torn top off, her bra followed soon after. Her skin was warm too warm, and I felt that electricity again, it gave me tingles all through my body. “Gabe, here I am. By my own free will. Take what you want. Open yourself up to me. Show me the devious thoughts you’ve stroked your cock too at night.”

It was as if sirens were going off in my head. Drowning out every bit of good sense I had, but I felt something growing. A hunger, a need, it was animalistic and it needed to be fed. I grabbed her by the shoulders and jerked her hard and growled as I slammed her into the wall next to my tv, and it looked like that impact sent her into the same frenzy. My lips made contact with hers and kissed her fiercely, her fingers dig into my arms with a strength someone as dainty as her should have. But she kissed me back and molded her body perfectly to mine. It was like two parts of the same body had finally connected for the first time. That kiss was broken and I looked down to her and the depth of that universe within her eyes had become mesmerizing and she spoke to me, softly but a voice that commanded attention. “Show me who you are. Who you really are, Demon.” With that her grip on my arms tightening and she shoved me back hard, hard enough to send my flying back into my coffee table shattering it under me and sending swearing pain through my body.

My vision blurred for a long moment before it focused, she kicked her shoes off and her pants left her body only to crumple in a pile at her feet. He moved and mounted me, but before I could even put my hands up in defense she was ripping my shirt off of me and digging her nails into my chest scratching down my almost embarrassingly pale chest. The entire time her soaking wet pussy pushed over the bulge in my gym shorts and the smell of my own blood began to fill the room. It took all the strength I could muster to bring my arm up and impact the side of her face with the palm of my hand to unseat her. I pushed her off to the side and moved to crawl up onto her body and my hand lowered and grabbed her throat and began cutting off that precious air to her body. Time began to slow down. I could hear every movement, feel every sensation, and somehow I knew she could too because it surprised her, the look on her face was nothing but sheer desire and lust. Her hand lifted and brushed against my covered crotch reaching inside my shirt to grasp my cock and she began to firmly stroke the hardness she found inside. “Fuck me, Gabe. Open yourself up to me.”

There was that sweet warmth. The voice in the back of my head wanted to just give her what she wanted. But at the same time the animal inside me, wanted to repay her for the pain she had caused me. I lowered my hand and grabbed her stroking paw and pulled it from my cock. I stood picking her up and intentionally slamming her into the hallway wall as I took her back into my bedroom. Once inside I threw her on to her stomach on my bed, my knee making sure she didn’t travel. I reach for the headboard of my bed and pulled the leather belt that was draped across it. She put up a hell of a fight but I eventually got both of her hands tied behind her back and I growled down to her. “I will fuck you, and own you, but on my terms, Princess.”

Her fighting turned into mewling as she lifted her ass, a sign of submission or a trick? Either way I wasn’t going to let her out of this, my cock pushed into her pussy from behind and that warmth of her molten hot pussy nearly sent me over with the single touch. She groaned low. “I know it. I know it now. Yes my Alpha, fuck what belongs to you.” My hips began to drive down into her ruthlessly, without a care in the world for her comfort of pleasure, butnit was obvious she was enjoying every moment. The way she moved, the way she moaned, and god did she cum over and over again. The electricity in the room was overwhelming and time felt like it was at a standstill as thebtwo body joined in primal passionate sex. This wasn’t love making, this wasn’t a casual hookup, this was desire and lust thousands of centuries in the making. As if the entire exaistence of all time and space lead up to this moment.

I felt her free her hands, I didn’t see how, but she kicked back at me and it forced separation as I lowered my upper body as if to pounce right back into her. She smiled at me, and it made my entire body go numb. “My Alpha, fill me with your cum. Make me yours.” There was no resistance, no thinking about consequences, condoms were forgotten protection at this stage. I shot back onto the bed and pushed her legs up and nearly folded her as my cock pushed inside of her pussy again and I bgane slamming my thick throbbing cock into her once again. My hands behind her knees bending her in such a way most people would find it uncomfortable. But there was no indication of discomfort from her, just pure sweet bliss as I slammed myself into her over and over and over again. Until the moment came and her body went stiff and her pussy literally milked my climax from my body. No one could have stood against such a feeling and I came so hard inside of her and the feeling was different, it wasn’t merely a few moment of intensity. It felt like lifetimes of went by before I refined usesge of my higher functions and I lowered myself to lay next to her. She curled her body against mine, her foot moving to rub against my own feet. I spoke softly. “You are mine.” And then I passed out.

[pandatryst]

Inside looking in.

It’s a weird feeling, belonging to a group but still being on the outside of that group. It’s like trying to navigate a mirror maze in a fun house. Everything looks fine, until it doesn’t. And it’s never anyone’s fault. I am the one to blame because I refuse to put myself out there. I can’t depend on others to buffer my social interactions for me. I should make a better effort. Maybe I will. But sometimes I feel it’s too hard or not worth the effort. But this is all abouse self improvement. And it cannot be self improvement until I improve myself. At my speed, for my own reasons. Be happy with yourself, and the rest of the world will align.

[pandatryst]

The Demon (Part two)

(A work of fiction, contains adult themes and situations.)

Four months earlier.

Jesus Christ could this lecture be anymore boring. Who cares about the medieval era? Fucking seriously, English nobles taking advantage of English peasants all at the leisure of a king whom them sucked up to for a few months in court....what’s that noise?

“Mr Damon...Mr Damon!!” A loud, shrill voice called out.

My eyes snap straight back down as they had been looking directly at the ceiling and I had the look of one who had just been woken up from the deepest of day dreams.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just was thinking deeply about your lecture, Dr Chance.” I stammered out. Dr Chance was the gatekeeper to my masters program, my advisor, and not really the woman you wanted to cross this early in the semester.

A terse look from the blonde headed professor. “Thinking deeply? By counting the ceiling tiles one by one? Pay attention Mr Damon, I have thrown out smarter students for a lot less.” The entire class laughed at the obvious non-joke/threat. At that realization my eyes shot to the teachers assistant desk and landed on the person sitting behind it. Now I don’t consider myself weak minded or weak willed, but there was something about the woman sitting behind that desk that seemed to radiate absolute perfection. She was shorter than me by barely an inch, which was perfect. Light brown hair, a nice figure with breast and ass to match her athletic build. Not to thin, but not to big. Anna was the thing dreams were made of, especially mine as of late.

And to my abject hidden horror she too was getting a laugh out of my predicament. My eyes shot back to Dr Chance, and her look had gone from terse to disapproving, so I did the only thing I could do. I tucked my tail, hung my head, and spoke my apologies with an air of slight submission. “I’m sorry ma’am, it won’t happen again.” Not that I was adverse to apologizing it just took a lot for me to eat humble pie and choke it down.

My offering seemed to have satisfied Dr Chance and she continued her lecture like nothing ever happened. And after my heart rate went down, my eyes moved and settled back on the thing in the room I loved to watch more than the ceiling, my eyes settled on Anna again. I’m not sure if you can call it a crush, maybe a slight infatuation, but I’m certain Anna would correct me immediately and tell me those words mean the same thing. Anna was the captain of the universities women’s track team and two years my senior. I joined the track team on scholarship, I held every high school record around, and those schools who gave a damn about their track program came to me all my senior year of high school. I am fast, some people would say I was too fast to be real sometimes. But it was my lone physical gift as it seemed and I took full advantage of it.

I think I had felt this way about her from the moment I saw her at the first full team meeting. And for awhile, I had thought she saw me the same way.

I was broken out of my trip down memory lane by the sudden sound of chairs moving and things being put away. I stood up and put my own things away and felt a moment of pure horror wash over me. Dr Chance was staring right at me. My eyes met hers and I knew I was doomed she jerked her head back and I groaned inwardly. I slung my bag over my shoulder and made my way down to the front of the room, Anna was just crossing in front of my.

“Talk to you later Gabe.” She said smiling to me.

When confronted with such a smile you couldn’t help but smile back. “You to Princess Anna. Text me if you wanna get the band together for coffee.”

Anna nodded smiling brightly, “I haven’t seen some of them in awhile. We should do that! I’ll let you know.”

The band was our group of elites from the track team, led by our Princess, there were five of us. The Giant, the Angel, the Jester, and me, the Demon. Anna left the room and there was a sharp sound heard and my eyes looked back to the tutting Dr Chance. “If you are done flirting, my office ten minutes. And don’t even tell me you have another class when we both know you don’t.” And at that the good professor stormed out of her office.

I was left with a look that was between mild embarrassment and happiness at my conversation with Anna. Which shouldn’t make me happy. Anna was with Daniel. And Daniel was protective, but there wasn’t anything wrong with a little conversation. I turned and headed out of the classroom walking to the nearby drink machine and got out of it whatever random flavor of sports drink was inside. Today’s flavor was red.

Soon enough I found myself outside of Dr Chance’s office and I knocked before hearing something that sounded like a “come in” greeting. I opened the door and closed it behind myself I turned and looked at Dr Chance and smiled trying to diffuse the situation that had come up in class.

“Listen, Doctor, I didn’t mean to go into a daze in the middle of your lecture and I know it’s very rude...”

“Shut up!” The tone of her voice would make a charging elephant stop in its tracks. “Gabriel, I know you are better than this and these lame excuses. You may have made it to undergrad on the power of your legs, but you got into my program because of that walnut between your ears.”

The usage of my first name immediately disarmed me and I nodded. “Aunt Rachel, I am sorry. I just...don’t know what’s wrong.” I said Aunt, but that’s just what was drilled into my head. Rachel Chance was a good friend to my mother something about high school, when I needed a place to go when my mother went missing her house was the place, she was more of my mother than anyone, and mother of my best friend.

Dr Chance sighed and motioned to the chair in front of her desk which I sat in. “Gabriel, you don’t seem as focused. You are still running and working out with the track team. Is not competing the problem here?”

I shook my head. “No ma’am, like I said I don’t know what’s wrong with me recently.”

Her fingers steepled in front of her face and she sighed, leaning back and brushing some of that red hair out of her face. “Nicole has told me you haven’t been coming around to spend time with her as much.”

My eye twitched a little. “Nikki, has been busy with Jeremy...and I...”

“You two have been joined at the hip forever, so don’t give me that shit, Gabriel.” Cut off again, but her tone was very motherly. “We are just worried about you. Give her a call, please, she misses you and cares about you.”

I nodded slowly and mumbled. “I will call her tonight. Anything else? I need to hit the evening run with the team.”

Rachel shook her head and motioned my dismissal. “Don’t day dream in my class, Mr Damon.”

“Aye, aye, Dr Chance.” I stood and made my way out of her office and turned to head out, walking over to where my bike was parked. I knelt and unlocked it from the rack, and put my book bag next to my gym bag and climbed on. I oriented the bike in the direction of the track practice field and began peddling my way there at a good pace, Dr Chance had made me late and I wanted to get a good workout.

It didn’t take me long before I arrived and parked my bike locking it back to the rack, I untied my gym bag from the bike and walked to go and change. The smell of the locker room was, well as pleasant as it could be, the team was already out running. I left the locker room and didn’t bother with a stretch, I just wanted to run. It was where I felt the most me, the most liberated, with the freedom to do as I wanted. It was like being surrounded in a bubble of noiseless light. Nothing could penetrate it, nothing escaped it. I ran and ran, the track fell away, the lights over the field went out and I just felt the wind against my face and my mind relaxed fully. It wasn’t until I felt...wet that I stopped. It had begun to rain. I hate the rain, he cursed the weather gods and ran back into the locker room grabbed my gym bag and beat a hasty retreat back to my bike.

The bike ride home was miserable, it was raining hard and it was a good fifteen minute ride back to my apartment. By the time I arrived I was drenched, my bags were wet, but sturdy enough to keep the rain out. I carried my bike under the awning and locked it to the railing then went up those familiar steps down to my apartment.

My building had four units, two upstairs and two down, and right now I was the only one occupying any of them. They were originally slated to be set aside for scholarship track members, but their accommodations had been improved and there were just no new tenants yet for the abandoned rooms. The lack of neighbors meant the only socialization I got was at school and here recently I didn’t even care for that. I lived alone, and that was just fine for me.

Imagine then my surprise when I came to my door and in front of it was a shivering mess of clothes and hair. Hair I recognized, then the slight crying voice that followed it, it was Anna. I rushed to kneel next to her my bags hitting the floor on either side of me. I looked her over and on closer inspection I noticed she was more than wet, she was dirty, her top was torn and her pants were ripped. It looked like she had fallen down a hill or three. My hands instinctively went to her shoulders and when they did she leaned into me and looked up to me. Her lip was busted open, and there was a sadness deep in her eyes. But what she said next...what she said next changed everything.

“G-Gabe...fuck me...please...”

[pandatryst]

Forgotten

I wonder how long it will be until I am forgotten. Friends outgrow friends, lovers find new interests, kids eventually leave the nest never to return. It doesn’t matter how you feel, it doesn’t matter what you did for that person, life keeps moving. It never stops not even for you to catch a breath. You can feel like you are the center of someone’s world one day, and watch them walking away the next. It’s not about loyalty, you can’t expect things to stay the same. It’s about the fact you want to know the people who you effect, remember what you did. That they remember you. There are some people I think about everyday. And those people sometimes think about me, sometimes I’m a fleeting thought, other times I dont exist to them. Maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe I shouldn’t have expectations of people. People generally will come up short of those expectations. And that only leads to your own disappointment. I am the one with the problem. But it’s still not fair.

[pandatryst]

Priorities

A friend of mine went to the therapist recently and got the advice that you cannot put other people above yourself and you cannot make yourself important to people. Your priorities should be yourself. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind or generous or helpful. But you cannot allow yourself to take a backseat to another persons wants.

None of this means that your relationships with people aren’t important. But you should only prioritize those who will equally prioritize you. One sided significant others, one sided fuck buddies, one sided friendships will only lead to frustration and mental stress. And in the end not worth it.

[pandatryst]

About the stories.

I plan on posting my rants, thoughts, and short stories on here as I write them. The short stories will be done in parts, some small, some large, depends on my mood. Please give me feedback.

[pandatryst]

The Demon (Part One)

(This is a work of fiction)

Rain.

Rain always falls at the worst of times. It is never convenient, never happy, and always insulting. It’s like the last word the world gets as it shoves your head into the mud. Spitting in my face as storm clouds darken my vision, as thunder deafens me, robbing me of my senses and I realize that in this place and at this time I am truely powerless.

My name is Gabriel. Named after the archangel, though ironically my mother was a drug abusing nightmare, who paid for her habits at the expense of her dignity, her kids, and eventually her life. I bet she had such high hopes for me, maybe even used that as a justification for her behavior. I never starved, I always had clothes, what I lacked was the care and loving parts of having a parent. I saw what she did just to get by, a horrified look on my face. I wanted her to stop, I wanted those men to stop, I hated seeing her passed out in her own disgusting vomit.

I wonder what she would say to me, seeing her boy and all the high hopes she had for him. Face down, in an alley, blood pouring from his mouth, a cut above his eye. Would she bemoan the condition he was in, look at him with disdain because this was his lot in life. Not a doctor or lawyer. No, no, life was not that easy or good, life was disgusting and dark and it was never ever fair.

The thought occured to me that I could die here. I was having trouble breathing, maybe a rib had punctured my lung. Thinking back over how I got here, I would have to blame it of course, on a girl. Why do guys do dumb things? Most of the time that answer was for a girl. Though what led me here wasn’t dumb, it wasn’t stupid, it was for her protection and her happiness. I would suffer anything to make sure she never knew hardship or sadness. On second thought, that sounds so stupid.

My name is Gabriel Damon, and I am dieing in an alley, in the rain. But I have a secret. A secret that saved lives, but not my own.

[pandatryst]

The inner voices.

I have two voices. The voice that tells me I am happy, satisfied, and things are working out well enough. Then there is another voice that is angry, jealous, unhappy, and selfish. The two voices war inside of me. And they try to tell me what I feel. But that’s all it is, an attempt for my mind to fight with itself, a flurry of thoughts that I can’t control but I can hide them. Behind silence, behind my intelligence, behind my excuses to hide. The voices get louder the more I retreat and all I want is help to get out, and there is no help coming. I must help myself. But I can’t. I feel I can’t. I know I can’t. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure how I should feel. But I know I can’t be conflicted forever, because then I lose everything.