pansdora - Tumblr blog

[pansdora]

I hate its gray buildings

I hate that it doesn't breath

It doesn't feel

Its heart doesn't beat

Even when I begged it to

When all I wanted was for something

To feel my pain too

I screamed and screamed

All into the void

It ripped my heart out and refused

to listen when I cried in pain

It saw me fall apart, and watched silently when I called its name in vain

I still had hope that maybe someday

it will know my pain

but even hope has its expiration date

and it's time

to scream into its face,

to let all this people know

that I hate this city

with all that's left of my heart

And all I want is to watch it fall apart.

- m.e.s "gray city, ugly city - dead city" poem done for @bruisedpeachsociety challenge

[pansdora]

sharpening my fangs with a pearl-handled silver file. The calming sound of screams outside - finally theirs, not ours. And I'm hungry and there's blood running down the streets, I can see it drop by drop staining white marble stairs.

I've been tired for so long, that I can barely remember the time before. It washed out everything and now looking back there are no other memories, only tiredness looming over them like some wicked and twisted grey cloud. And how can you blame me for that, blame anyone, when this city made us into a human sacrifice. Day by day, little by little taking parts of us - demanding more, and cutting deeper and deeper inside every night. To make an offering, to devote those tiny soul parts to its gods.

And to think of how merciless they must have been, to get this city, so cold and cruel itself to serve them. And so it lasted for the longest time, too long probably but how do you say no to something so indifferent, or its gods of which you're afraid to even think about.

They've trained us well, didn't they? But slowly there appeared something else. And I'm tired still, but now there's something more as well. I'm mad - at this city, at its gods, at everything they've done to me, to us. And now it is inside, black mass crushing my ribs, slowly made its way through grey numbness wall.

Keeping it inside, ignoring, pushing it down, as this is what they've taught us. But one thing I don't think they've planned - it got sharp and hard, it wasn't a mass anymore it was a knife. And it made me hungry, so why keep it inside? Why don't repay them? Good thing I had to grow claws and fangs to be able to survive in the reality they've created for us. Well now they will be of good use, won't they? I don't like waiting for my food for too long, after all.

Finally, they're sharp enough, it's time. File lands on the dusty floor, I look out of the window the streets were scary, dead, dangerous so on the streets we go to hunt.

"what about our bodies?" they cried, with fangs to their face, "Will you just leave them lying here?" And I think they forget, that not long ago it wasn't a problem for them to leave our bodies to rot there.

"what about the morning after?" they begged, with a nail to their throat, "Where will your humanity be then?" And I think they forget, that everything that made me human they took themselves, sacrifice after sacrifice, so greedily and often that nothing has left.

The morning after came, pearl-handled file lies bloodied on the floor.

How do we know we're still humans? we don't, and we probably aren't anymore, they really should have thought this through, before they made us into that I guess.

And I don't know what I am anymore, but the I wipe out the blood and finally, all is changed.

[pansdora]

I don't even know if I can call it my first zine, it's more like dress rehearsal to practice folding paper, and just generally try out this format, but I liked it enough to post.

I know "messy" is literally in the title but it turned out way messier than I thought it would. But it gave me an excuse to have some fun with pastels as all my watercolors are left in my uni dorm rip.

Overall I had a good time doing this, so expect more to come in the future (maybe more put together than this one tho) and thank you to @sleepyheadphone for help, as I promised tagging you in my first one.

[pansdora]

have you ever tried to organize something in a very disorganized group chat? So does this peculiar "book club /self help group, amateur pastry chefs practicing their craft" (they haven't quite decided on the cover story yet)

Gain an exclusive access to the screenshots from their private group chat - 1st part of a series, showing a few conversations and events taking place as they try to reorganize their group

[pansdora]

Subscribe to our magazine to get monthly lifestyle tips and articles that explain things everyone should know how to do, but make them unnecessarily complicated in the name of self care and aesthetic, and learn how to live your best occult life!

Also follow us on TikTok and watch our redaction staff die inside while they awkwardly recreate cool dances kids are doing or taking part in memes but completely missing the mark of them #anythingtostayrelevant

[pansdora]

december, week 1

1. shapelessness  2. jesus on the dashboard  3. a death in the snow   4. warm hands 5. make it holy

[pansdora]

The Girl and The Moon

There was a town on the verge of our land, where the moon would come down of the sky every single night. Oddly enough, it would dip itself in the lake on the main square. And for a few minutes, every night painted everything with a silver light.

Townsfolk stopped paying it attention after first few centuries, and now it was just a thing happening every night, not much different from setting sun, or twinkling stars. So they just went around with their very usual lives. They ate, drank, worked, married, occasionally danced and finally died, as almost every other village at that time.

In that town lived a girl with a raven hair and silver eyes. As we know the times were hard with the war raging around, so she worked nights. And so happened that every time she passed the lake in those few special minutes, basking in the silver light. Most of the people in town found this disturbing even after all this time, so they would turn their eyes and pay little to no attention at all.

That is why young Layla has found the two of them to be so alike. Blessed with pitch black hair, in the northern land she has always stand out. There is an ancient legend saying that a black haired woman would bring the doom on us. And as far as the memory goes, every time black haired girl would wear the crown, disasters struck our land. Soon the black hair would be marked as the symbol of bad luck, and so the townsfolk preferred to avoid both Layla and the glowing moon alike.

Knowing how it felt to never be called "beautiful" or even "pretty" she made sure to take a minute or two every night to tell the moon how much she loves that it shines so bright and how beautiful it looks tonight. And so the years went on, and Layla grew, often having the moon as her only solace. Her heart didn't love any man, and none of them loved her. But as the tradition says, she had to be married right away. And so the groom was chosen, and he wasn't a bad man, but he didn't loved her, and she never really wanted to give her hand away.

The wedding day was soon to come, and the night before she went for one last walk. But instead of silver light all she saw was cold dark night. The moon didn't leave the sky. Standing there she didn't think twice, stepped onto the frozen lake, and cried her eyes out. And in the place where for centuries the moon would touch the ground, just for this one night, was kneeling a girl, with hair black as night, and eyes as stars, praying, screaming, crying, until silver hair fell on her face.

And right before her a beautiful woman stands. Hair glowing in the dark with silver streaks, reaching out her hand. "at the dawn of time, the old being said that everything will find their match. After centuries alone in the sky, I dared to ask where is mine?" she sighed "it gave me place, and so I came night after night. Did I finally find? Will you take my hand and rule the night by my side? Will you be my equal and my match?"

Next day the altar was empty but the night sky was never so full. People say that the night had the colour of her hair, and stars were suddenly silver as her eyes. And so the moon never again left the sky, and the two ruled the night for the very long time.

[pansdora]

december, week 1

1. shapelessness  2. jesus on the dashboard  3. a death in the snow   4. warm hands 5. make it holy

[pansdora]

Do you have problem doing grocery shopping? Fear not my friend, I come to the rescue with the second part of a "handy little instructions" series. Enjoy!

Planning a trip to IKEA soon? Find out how to survive

[pansdora]

Subscribe to our magazine to get monthly lifestyle tips and articles that explain things everyone should know how to do, but make them unnecessarily complicated in the name of self care and aesthetic, and learn how to live your best occult life!

Also follow us on TikTok and watch our redaction staff die inside while they awkwardly recreate cool dances kids are doing or taking part in memes but completely missing the mark of them #anythingtostayrelevant

[pansdora]

ever needed a handy little guide to an ikea shopping trip? Well here it is, ready to satisfy all your reasonable priced home-decor needs.

(template idea loosely based on @bahay-kubo's "finding love at your local ikea")

[pansdora]

2020 gothic

-when was the last time you went outside? You don’t know, the word slowly starts to lose its meaning, what even is outside? You don’t know anymore, all that’s left is the gut feeling that it’s dangerous, some vague warning to not to leave, that’s stuck in your head.

- you stopped looking at calendars, they make you angry and confused and after all you’re sure they’re lying anyway, it’s not possible that it’s may already, you’re sure we’re still in late march as that’s when all your memories stop at, you don’t recall april and most certainly you don’t recall april changing into may, it must be some kind of trick, only why would they do that to you?

- “future” the word rolls from your tongue, but leaves bitter taste, you don’t like it. It implies that there’s something else, that there’s something after this and that there was something before, sometimes you even think that there was, but you can’t get a grasp of it it’s like a word you have on a tip of your tongue but the more you try to recall it the more it slips away. thinking about that makes you uneasy so you don’t.

-you have caught a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror and could swear you saw your animal crossing character. But that wouldn’t be possible would it? You’re a person a real-life person and you know this.. right? You could ask yourself if this is still true, if you’re still a person if there’s no one there to perceive you, but why on earth would you do that?

- nothing is real anymore but you still have assignments to do. And you do them, why? You can’t tell anymore, you have to…. or else. you don’t know what could happen if you don’t but even the thought of not handing them on time wakes such an immense fear that you’re sure it will be something horrible… if only you could tell what.

- “we love you, stay safe we’re trying our best, we’re sorry” fifth email from a corporation today, you’re almost sure you’ve never heard of them, left alone signed up for their newsletter but after a while it doesn’t matter anymore they’re merging into one endless mail, filled with positivity and reassurance, only why it feels so fake, so surface-level?…. almost malicious. No. you’re sure they have the best intentions at heart. So why you can’t help the vague gut feeling of every new one being more and more ominous, even though it’s no different from the previous one?

[pansdora]

@ultracrepidzine | summer prompts

astrology column

trust me I've read an article in astrology magazine once. And now excuse me while I'll leave this "reality" to become an all knowing fortune teller.

[pansdora]

have you ever tried to organize something in a very disorganized group chat? So does this peculiar "book club /self help group, amateur pastry chefs practicing their craft" (they haven't quite decided on the cover story yet)

Gain an exclusive access to the screenshots from their private group chat - 1st part of a series, showing a few conversations and events taking place as they try to reorganize their group

[pansdora]

have you ever tried to organize something in a very disorganized group chat? So does this peculiar "book club /self help group, amateur pastry chefs practicing their craft" (they haven't quite decided on the cover story yet)

Gain an exclusive access to the screenshots from their private group chat - 1st part of a series, showing a few conversations and events taking place as they try to reorganize their group

[pansdora]

ever needed a handy little guide to an ikea shopping trip? Well here it is, ready to satisfy all your reasonable priced home-decor needs.

(template idea loosely based on @bahay-kubo's "finding love at your local ikea")

[pansdora]

@ultracrepidzine | summer prompts

astrology column

trust me I've read an article in astrology magazine once. And now excuse me while I'll leave this "reality" to become an all knowing fortune teller.