pantheonmantis

[pantheonmantis]

Always a good time to burn down yet another village!

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[pantheonmantis]

*trying to solve a friend's problem* hmmm. well you could use me as a blade, perhaps? and slay your enemies? just a thought

[pantheonmantis]

You know what fuck you *puts your OC in the critter keeper*

[pantheonmantis]

starting to feel like i need to preface most of my human interactions with "please indicate that you understand that either of us can say no and stop this at any time"

[pantheonmantis]

image i am in love with

[pantheonmantis]

take my mermaid quiz boy

[pantheonmantis]

my grandpa was a good man. and it really wasnt his fault - recreationally lying to kids is a proud family tradition - but he told me, once, that cutting a worm in half resulted in two worms.

i think he said it so i'd be more morally okay with fishing? i actually dont remember the context.

point was, he told me this, and he understimated (by a very large margin) how much i liked worms. i was a worm boy. very wormy. and after hearing that, i went home, and i dug through the garden, flipped over every rock, did everything i could to gather as many worms as i could, and then i uh.

i cut them all in half. every worm i could find. all of them. with scissors.

i then took this pile of split worms, and i put them in a box with a bit of lettuce and some water and stuff and went to bed expecting to double my worms overnight. i have math autism, so i had a vague understanding that if i did this just a few times in a row, i would eventually have a completely unreasonable amount of worms.

i was very excited to become this plane's worm emperor.

(i think i was...six?)

anyway, i did not become the inheritor of the worm crown. i instead woke up to a box of dead worms and cried. a lot. i got diagnosed with panic attacks as a teenager, but i think i had them as a kid, i just had no idea what they were. i was kind of processing that a.) i had killed what i had assumed was every single worm in my yard, and thus would have no more worms, and b). i was going to like, worm hell.

(six year babylon spent a lot of time worrying about god.)

so i kind of freaked out, and i climbed a tree, because god can only smite you if you're touching the ground (?) and i sat up there mostly inconsolable until my mom came out and asked, hey, what's up? what happened?

so i explained to her that i had killed all of the worms, forever, and was also Damned, and she took me to the compost pile, and we dug for all of five seconds and found like twenty more worms.

the compost pile was full of worms.

and she told me that a). there were more worms, and we could put them back under rocks and stuff and recolonize our yard and b). that one day, i would die, and i would go to heaven, and i would be able to talk to the worms, and i would be able to tell them all that i was very sorry, and that i killed them on accident out of excessive Love, and that they would forgive me, because worms have six hearts and no malice.

at that point, i think i was sixty percent tear-snot by weight, and i had no choice but to gather enough worms that i could hug them. which my mom helped with. and then after that she helped me put some worms back under each rock.

and for my epilogue: i spent a significant portion of my childhood in trees. and for many years after, even when my mom didnt know i was watching, i would catch her giving the space under the rocks a light spritz with the hose. not because she loved worms.

but because she loved me.

[pantheonmantis]

A snake story, based on an experience I had while I was in Florida.

[pantheonmantis]

Day 1 hk fan: I like the bugs, game is hard

Year 5 hk fan: what was hallownests staple crop

[pantheonmantis]

today's warm up: Oldest sister syndrome, I'm so sorry baby girl

[pantheonmantis]

Saguaro redraw from some years back! good ol long cactus

[pantheonmantis]

tbh I really dislike how aphobia tends to be discussed whenever there's some kind of incident that makes it visible to general society. The most common response seems to be some variation of "why would anyone hate asexual/aromantic people, they aren't even doing anything" and it just always sits wrong with me. It paints such a passive picture of our existence and feels like a comment influenced by the level of invisibility that aspec people have in society. Why would you be annoyed by someone who is practically invisible? Just go back to ignoring their existence, it's easy!

But despite the invisibility, aspec people are actually doing quite a lot of things that will piss off queerphobic, right-wing and religious people (and hell, even left-wing people). And the most obvious point is that we are actively not performing heterosexuality the way they want us to. People who's entire world view is "cis men and women should be in monogamous, heterosexual marriage and have (white) babies" are not going to lean back and say "oh but those asexuals and aromantics are fine". They will also hate our guts, and they will come up with all sorts of reasons, including insinuating we're all secretly into bestiality, or mentally ill, or not human, or attention seeking children. It's just plain old queerphobia, and like all queerphobia, there's no inherent logic to it which you can worm your way out of by "not doing anything".

And like, there's a lot more that aspec people do which people hate. Raising awareness about amatonormativity? People feel attacked, they hate it. Asexual people having sex? Or not having sex? People hate it! Aromantic people being in (seemingly) romantic relationships? People fucking hate it! Aromantic people having sex? Ohh people hate that!!

I guess the existence of aphobia can be confusing when you haven't spent much time thinking about asexuality and aromanticism, but in the end, these are identities that aren't heteronormative and they will be hit with the same or similar bigotry as any other queer identity. I just get tired of this response after seeing it recycled for 10 years without ever seeming to go any further.

[pantheonmantis]

Hey you know what. Do you know what spurred me to start writing and drawing at all actually. Do you know what kickstarted my interest in bug husbandry. I think. I think every interesting skill I have can be traced back to one blorbo or another.

Caring about The Character unlocks some deep sleeper god gamer agent in me. I completed pantheons and Steel Heart for Hollow. I'm doing ultimates because what do you MEAN I can get myself stuck in a time loop and doom the narrative just to undoom Haurchefant. I completed like one whole Rainworld level as Spearmaster out of nowhere b/c the concept of a mute abused little tool for gods just did something to my brain for a minute and then I dropped the game completely. I got good at The Isle once purely because I was obsessed with allosaurus. My experience with video games is incredibly narrow and I do not think of myself as a Gamer but you WILL catch me comfiting feats of wonder for my blorbos.

[pantheonmantis]

Caring about The Character unlocks some deep sleeper god gamer agent in me. I completed pantheons and Steel Heart for Hollow. I'm doing ultimates because what do you MEAN I can get myself stuck in a time loop and doom the narrative just to undoom Haurchefant. I completed like one whole Rainworld level as Spearmaster out of nowhere b/c the concept of a mute abused little tool for gods just did something to my brain for a minute and then I dropped the game completely. I got good at The Isle once purely because I was obsessed with allosaurus. My experience with video games is incredibly narrow and I do not think of myself as a Gamer but you WILL catch me comfiting feats of wonder for my blorbos.

[pantheonmantis]

u look like a giant buff woman idk what u mean "dont pass" lol.

So I wanted to respond to this one, not to evaluate my features as “passing/not passing” but to talk a bit on racialization and transness as a larger Black trans woman. I am going to be speaking on the experience of cis women in addition to trans women.

Yes, I’m 6’2” and 260lbs. There are plenty of cis women my height/weight or larger/taller! It is not inherently a trait of solely trans women to be large. But this also means that I don’t always pass, because a lot of cis women who look like me don’t pass all the time either no matter what they do.

In this outfit running errands, I got hit on a bunch, gendered appropriately a bunch, and honestly felt the most femme I have in a while. Meanwhile, I still had a man start screaming at me on a metro train because he could see up my dress while I was sitting and “I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS MAN’S UNDERWEAR!”

Often, assumption of masculinity for largeness, for height, is something that gets inflicted on tall cis women as well, moreso if they’re an athlete or otherwise buff or “unfeminine”. Many end up with a complex about it that affects their comfort presenting anything less than high femme even as cis women by adulthood, because it’s implied they have to “make up” for their height/frame by being more feminine.

So despite this not being something limited solely to trans women, it does get significantly amplified on trans women when we have other features or traits that may affect it, such as voice, visible stubble, etc.

On top of that, Black women are often racialized as “more masculine” bc of systemic societal antiblackness. While it can happen to anyone that visibly reads as a Black woman, it gets notably worse the darker your skin is and the larger you are. I’m very lightskinned, so while I still experience it, it’s also not nearly as bad as it would be for someone much darker than me with my build.

So for larger Black trans women, we get a double whammy of “passing” tribulations, as we get the misogynistic assumption of “the larger you are, the more masculine you are” and the misogynoiric assumption that as a Black woman, we are inherently more masculine.

Both of these factors are completely out of our control as larger Black trans women. They aren’t something that can be changed by anything we do to try and “pass” because they are baseline societal bigotries currently - fuck, Megan Thee Stallion is quite literally one of the most beautiful cis women on earth while also being larger and she’s still CONSTANTLY accused of being a man/masculine online even in some of her most “feminine” presentations.

So when I say that I “often don’t pass” I’m not commenting on my features, what I think “outs me as AMAB”, etc. im commenting on the baseline societal transmisogynoir that states that someone who looks like me, transfemme or not, often does not pass.

Many people will still gender me appropriately from the jump, hit on me, catcall me, otherwise treat me like a woman - but just as often I will be categorically excluded from even possibly passing for people who have engraved these social bigotries to heart, and recognizing that doesn’t affect whether I’m “valid”, whether I’m attractive (bc I’m a fucking Goddess and stunning), etc. but affects my SAFETY and the likely of experiencing transmisogynistic or transmisogynoiristic harm or violence.

Passing is not about whether you are attractive or not, it’s about safety.

[pantheonmantis]

Celebrating a year since I posted my first comic! Oh how the time flies... Snake Garden: Whispers is a fantasy, horror adjacent one-shot that is up for free on Comicfury/Webtoon. Though, if you feel like sending a little my way the full uncompressed pages as well a some behind the scenes/concepts are now on my Ko-fi for $2!