paperceilings-blog

[paperceilings-blog]

Thoughts on losing a friend.

I'm missing Steve.

He passed away yesterday or over the weekend; I'm not sure which, but I learned only yesterday morning when I landed in LA. I'm struck by two things, amid the painfully familiar sadness of death's windy quick approach, and passing by.

Firstly I'm struck, possibly selfishly at first glance, about myself, immediately followed by Steve. I should have done more for him. Yes, as colleagues, we surely labored together, but we also thought together. A kind soul indeed, seeing past the fog, understanding through the noise - he was bright in all the ways that show the real Steve as a man of depth and not checks. I should have spoken with him, frankly but out of earnest brotherly love, about what Jesus means for our lives. How all the good deeds, compassion, and outpouring can't add up to make us 'enough' to join God's family in Heaven after death. No number of balanced beads or crystals, paired in any jewelry combination, can protect us from death or redeem us from its gusty fall.

Only through the power of God becoming a man, dying a death of sacrifice, and then overcoming death by rejoining the land of the living can death be beaten. No man can overcome death; indeed, death is permanent; it's a separation at its core. Death is a disconnection between breath and dust - though the soul continues to live. Death separates man from the breath of life, which is a gift from God.

I had never talked like this with him. Oh, how we could have talked! Over a whiskey, over a cigar, over sushi (or whatever keto-friendly dish he was poured into at the time). I did not, though. Only fleeting mentions of Jesus, what I believed, that Jesus is important to me. Never did I ask, never enough care to ask my friend if he would join me in worshiping by connecting with Jesus. The Jesus who overcame death so that in eternity we can join him in Heaven, in the new earth after Jesus remakes it. I may never see Steve again, not because I gave him a choice and he denied it, but because I never gave him a chance to choose.

Maybe others did, perhaps he did, maybe he did not. I'll know one day, and I dread the moment when I don't see him again. I hope somebody else took the time to talk about what I didn't.

Secondly, I'm driven to speak frankly and purposefully with my family and friends (mostly the latter in my case). Let it be known, we will have these conversations. Uncomfortable, clumsy, incomplete, and full of questions. All of the above. Yes. The core of the subject, though, I am fully committed to. Jesus is my God - because of him, I am saved. I am called to him and away from that which opposes him; with enthusiasm, I pursue not in part but in whole.

At this new prompting, I follow Jesus, sharing his message that I am saved not by my deeds but by His. A price that will require my life at some point, though not at the first step. Consider a child learning to walk. It's not that they immediately discard their crawling, but gradually as they find a sure footing begin to stand more often and stumble less. We never consider ourselves crawlers just because we clumsily miss a step or tip a toe on the coffee table and crawl around for a moment of agony.

Following Jesus is a walk, even a stumble, but once we start with Him, we get stronger and walk more than we fall. Time changes our pace.

What really matters at the end of all of this? A last breath and death leave a gap behind.

If our lives are water, for example, collectively a pond of life, then Steve's was scooped and removed abruptly. Though not a scoop out of the water that is quickly filled in and replaced. Instead, we see the void where he was and feel the pressure coming from his absence from all sides. All things at once rush in to try and bring back what was taken. While one day, the water's surface will again return to a peaceful pool, that which was removed isn't going to be added back here while we're on earth. That's not a thing to see for our time here.

We will miss Steve. Heartily we will remember and celebrate the time we did have with him. He has taken with him his scoop of water, though. As a blessing, he has left a gap, maybe a splash. Is it an impression on us?

Never again will we be the same, but let us not waste this moment. Remembering who Steve was and how he saw us let us be changed into a new future version of ourselves. Brought to a shaky knee (when appropriate), then onto wobbly feet, to walk again in newness and life. Putting away the former of regret, refreshed by the splashing clap of the disturbed waters, facing the sun, know that today is now and new from yesterday.

I grieve the loss in quiet stillness, determined that today will not be yesterday, and I will finish today a different man. One day standing firm on my feet, I will walk with my friends, family, and with Jesus while I have the chance here in life. Hoping that one day in Heaven, far into the future, when my life is over, we also will be together, walking, talking, and thinking together again.

[paperceilings-blog]

I'm starting new.

Ever find yourself starting to be a type of person you know you shouldn't be? I found myself over the past few weeks starting to be someone other than myself. 

Not in a schitzofrenic way, I changed in to a disrespectful & pessimistic viewpoint. It's not even a fun way to live. I find that the root cause is came from my sudden internal view on life. Selfish. 

I decieved myself in to thinking that the best way for me to be happy was to buy more "tools" so I can "work" and provide for my family. Really when the truth of it was I was too selfish to admit to myself that I was frustrated with where I was. I work all the time. A blessing when so many others are out of work, but I enjoy my free time as a drive to or from work (sometimes up to 5 hours away). I thought that if I did something different, if I focused on life outdoors, or life as the best producer, the best photographer. That's missing the mark. All those are good things, outdoors, photography, striving to be the best. But it was focused on me.

I've got a family now, and while it's not always easy I've got a job to do before I click the shutter. My job is to love God, then my job is to love my neighbors (this includes anybody other than God mind you, including my family). I have to stop focusing on my love of things, which are leaving me empty. 

I wake up in the morning looking for satisfaction, browsing Amazon for that next thing. I'm missing it though. I will not find satisfaction by myself. I need interaction to thrive. I need my family, and they need me to love them more than I love my many jobs.

I'm starting new. I'm beginning to see the light. I feel the belief that God has given to me. This is the type of man that I was designed to be. I'm the created child of God (though not his son, who was indeed not created at all), designed to trust my father to give me what I need. Thank-you God for the man that you've allowed me the chance to become. Forgive me for my selfish view for so long. Teach me to be the father & husband that I need to be, and how to lead my family in your name. Let me be a light to your word to all who are around me.  Give me faith, strength, and endurance. Let understanding & patience be a the tip of my tongue & fingertips.

I'm starting new.

[paperceilings-blog]

Weakness

I was wounderfully & fearfully made.

So why do I embrace my weakness? I 'm afraid that my gifts to anyone are self serving. I'm afraid that my hard work isn't for anyone other than myself. Even at the core of daily tasks such as cooking - I find that when I offer them as a "gift" I offer them from selfishness. I do this because I am weak.

I am the weakness that I want to avoid. I've put a bubble around myself. I have a large personal space, I don't think that's too out of the ordinary. But while I've got this bubble, I don't want to be alone. I don't want people always hanging on me, poking me, touching me. I want friends, love, relationship - but not always touching. I don't' know if this is a personal space issue or of it's just fear of being completely honest.

My best friend asked a question the other day and I was instantly confused about it. "Do you have to sensor yourself when you talk to me, be honest" and I said yes without thinking. I gave a couple examples of how I don't always say what's on my mind, but rather water it down with the good & bad options to make anything I say less alerting, I make my words weak. What a fool. Even more so when I start living day-to-day I don't know what I'm actually thinking sometimes. I've censored my words (not offensive words, just my thoughts on every day sense-less things) so much that I have a hard time saying what's on my mind. 

This needs to change. It's unfair to me and my friend. That's what I'll be working on today.

[paperceilings-blog]

I have strange dreams sometimes.

Occassionally I dream more than just dreams. Occassionally I dream dreams. The kind of mind wanderings that afford me the chance to see past my minds own bored thoughts. The kind of epiphanies that are from beyond me. And sometimes I still don't listen.

What kind of fool doesn't listen to that? I am being spoken to by God himself, and I ignore it?! I am frustrated with myself for letting this happen, for not listening. I feel like the me of 10 years ago would have listened intently and wholeheartedly. 

There are a recurring themes in my dreams. 1 - dealing with my addiction to pornography and what road that will take me down. It's a scary place to see and I don't want to be there. I can't deal with the rejection of those closest to me if they find out how I struggle. I do struggle too. 

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[paperceilings-blog]

If I'm feeling dry, no inspiration. Maybe some cool things will come out of it.