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“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.”

— Joshua Graham

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“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present… Gratefully.“”

— Maya Angelou (via perfectquote)

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God please heal the part of me that i can't discuss

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“Groceries, you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you’re gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can’t learn to master your thinking, you’re in deep trouble forever.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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10 Things I Have Learned in 2020 (so far)

1. It is a pit stop rather than a road block I know a huge chunk of 2020 consists of disappointments, cancelled plans, and isolation. Consider this moment of pause in your life as a time to refuel and self-reflect. I admit that I am still in the process of embracing this slow-paced life. Being sick this year and not being able to continue with my studies was definitely a huge disappointment. But I took it as a time to take care of myself and prioritize my health, just as how everyone should. 

2. Never stop learning Being surrounded by so much fear and anxiety leads to such down spirits and a heavy soul. It discourages you to do anything productive. Seeing other people being productive doesn’t mean you have to accomplish the same things. Work at your own pace and look for the kind of avenues that spark your interest and not of others. Knowledge can always be found if one looks for it.

3. You can always unlearn things There is so much negativity and hate in the world that just adds to the countless problems the world  already has. Unlearn all the acts of hate, cancel culture, toxic criticisms, and so much more. Spread love and positivity. If you appreciate someone’s creative content on instagram, don’t hesitate to send them a message of appreciation. A little love goes a long way.

4. Nurture your passions I have stopped writing when I started college because of being so busy studying. I love writing but I neglected it. Take time for your passions every once in a while. It does not only give you a break from your busy schedule but it also nurtures your soul and you’ll be so thankful that you did in the future. Having more time to write during these times makes my soul a little lighter. Pouring out all my thoughts and emotions has never been so therapeutic and calming. Never stop doing what you love and what makes you happy at the end of the day.

5. Always be kind and compassionate There is no price for being kind to others yet you are rewarded with peace and sometimes even happiness in the form of smiles. Well, maybe smiling with our eyes since everyone is wearing a mask these days. If you have more, then give more to those who have less. Support organizations and donation drives. Send a message to your friends asking how they are coping. Everyone is trying to calm their own storms.

6. Use your voice If you know more about something, then share it with others. Even by just sharing your experiences, you’ll never know how it will help someone. Write, speak, or just share posts that will spread any useful information. I try as much as I can to share my experiences about my cancer journey in ways that I could think of, that I am capable of, and that I am comfortable with. I have been that newly diagnosed patient once who searched everything about my cancer everywhere that I could. Now that I have gone far in this journey, I’d like to share my own thoughts in hopes of giving information, comfort, and even hopefully inspiration to someone out there.

7. You have your own timeline This one is closely related to the lesson about roadblocks. I had my own timeline planed before. I wanted to be a doctor by the age of this, and be able to move out of the country by the age of that. But then God has bigger plans for me. He is the true planner in our lives. Yes, we may have created plans for ourselves but none of that is going to be 100% fool-proof. Don’t be jealous if others are getting ahead of you and getting to where you originally planned yourself to be. You’ll get there as soon as you get there and by God’s grace.

8. Change your perspective One of the major emotions that I’ve been feeling during this season is nostalgia. I’ve been missing a lot of things, and most of them are so trivial and the things that I took for granted before. I miss seeing my friends, I miss seeing people smile and laugh without masks on, I miss driving anywhere, and I miss traveling. Instead of being stuck reminiscing on things that are still yet far from happening again soon, choose to focus on the things that you have now. You have the great comforts of your home and you have your family. With everything temporarily gone, there are still so many things to be grateful for. 

9. You are your best investment Self-care is never selfish. Most people don’t prioritize themselves as much as they should. Take it from a sick person; never settle with less when it comes to your needs. Being healthy doesn’t stop with eating healthy food. It also means keeping healthy relationships with the people around you, with yourself, and with God. End toxic relationships and start meaningful ones. Don’t live for the praise and confirmation from others. Live for yourself. You can’t live your best life if you are not at your best.

10. Prayer is our most powerful weapon Praying is the best conversation you’ll have throughout your day. Yes, it’s a conversation because when you talk, God always listens. And there is also a quiet time where you will be the one to listen to God. A prayer is free and accessible yet not everyone uses it as often as one can. Maybe some are discouraged by the misfortunes that happens in ones life. But God always hears our prayers. This is coming from a person who got cancer! Faith is not weakened by hard times - it only strengthens it. Always persevere and never lose faith.

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Cancer Stranger Danger

When you are young and still figuring life out, the last thing in your mind is that you would be diagnosed with a life-threating disease, and much worse - cancer. So many people are unfamiliar with lymphoma which is why I always encourage everyone who finds out about my cancer to ask as much questions as they want. I know the initial emotions when you find out someone has cancer would be concern and sympathy. I just wish the next one would be curiosity. One friend who asked me a lot about lymphoma told me that she would use this information to educate herself and her family. Knowing what the warning signs are would definitely help you and your loved ones. I'm so grateful for my medical background that I know and understand not all but a few things that made all the difference between life and death. I just feel so bad for those who aren't knowledgable enough and don't have medical access especially during this time that they get diagnosed late and have to suffer even more in the long run. Since I have already posted about how I found out about my lymphoma and my warning signs, I'd like to write more about my present condition and continue to do so for the entire span of my treatment.

I have undergone four chemo sessions out of the twelve that I have to complete. My treatment protocol is called ABVD which is just an abbrevation of the four drugs that need to be infused every session. I go to the cancer center every two weeks. I get to recover within the span of two weeks and the go back again for the next round of drugs as long as my blood works are good. They have to make sure my blood counts are not too low, and my liver and kidney function is good. Chemo targets your cells and destroy both the good ones and the bad ones as long as they are fast-dividing cells. These includes your white blood cells which is a big part of the immune system. This is the reason why I am immunocompromised. The other cells targeted are the ones that line your stomach, mouth, and your scalp. Yep, this explains a few of the side effects that I have experienced. The nausea and vomiting that you see in the movies are true, and most especially the part where you lose your hair little by little. The nausea can be really bad during the first three to five days. I can only tolerate bland and dry food. Sometimes just by looking at certain food makes me nauseaous. I can only count the number of times that I have vomitted because I try so hard not to. Once I vomit, it makes me feel that I'm not helping my body fight against cancer and I don't want it to win. I started losing strands of hair after my second session. It eventually progressed to losing hair balls once I run through my hair. I decided to shave my hair at that point because it made me feel like I have control over my cancer. I decide when I want to lose hair, not you! In relation to the mouth, I got mouth sores. The next side effect that I have felt is neuropathy. My feet just went numb and tingly at the same time. It's bad when it happens when I'm standing up or walking because it gets so hard to move. Someone needs to assist me just to get from one place to another if I need to. There are medications for all these side effects though but I really don't want to keep relying on them. I supplement them with topical rubs and aromatherapy. Other than that there are just lots of muscle pains especially on my arm where they place my IV during chemo since one drug is super strong and damaging. It takes lots of cold compress for a few days before my arm feels normal. I'm practically one-handed during the entire time it gets sore.

I know cancer is not glamorous but it's not always how they portray it in the movies where color is drained from your face and you look super sick all the time. Some people don't even experience all the side effects while some do. It gets tiring a few days after you get chemo but then it gets better eventually. Your body just demands you to rest from all the toxic stuff that has been put inside. This gets me to the point on how truly important it is to detox by drinking lots of water and just being healthy. The doctor didn't tell me any specific food that I should avoid. You just generally need to stay healthy like how one normally should. Maybe the only few specially mentioned to be avoided were raw and uncooked food since my body's immune system is down. Basically you just have to make sure your food is cooked properly which is how one normally should. I just drink a milk supplement and whey protein to keep my body weight up and relatively normal since there are really days when your appetite is low.

One of the things that has helped me cope and survive one day at a time is establishing a routine. I'm the type who likes organizing and scheduling so figuring out a routine really helped me during my recovery period. Putting up a small business online which started out as a hobby gives me a sense of purpose in its own little way. I have also set goals and plans that makes me look forward to something in the future which motivates me to complete my treatment. But crafting has also made me look forward from day to day. And now, I also look forward to writing more about my own experiences living with cancer during a pandemic in the hopes of making whoever gets to read this be aware and have an idea of how living with cancer is like.

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What have you learned in the season of life that you are in right now?

Some people would definitely say that my life right now is in a dark place. It might as well be a cold winter night in my life right now, but I would disagree. I have been fond of contraries my entire life that my main blog title is Quaint Contraries. And now, I am experiencing it as an emotion and as my life perspective. The world has definitely been darker this entire year. Having a cancer diagnosis is definitely grim but after my few share of tears and anxiety, I have felt peace within myself. I learned that the strength of your faith doesn't only increase with answered prayers but also to moments when God challenges you to be stronger. I learned that life is short and creating meaningful relationships is often neglected. I learned that you are never alone in whatever circumstance you are in and many people are willing to support you if you just let them. I learned that you can always control your situation whether you will stay down or pick yourself up.

I know I mentioned a lot of cliches but they are cliches for a reason. The last cliche that I am about to mention is that there is always a silver lining to every situation. I learned to accept my setback which will eventually be a comeback. It could be God's way of redirecting the path I set out for myself since He knows best which path I should take.

It has only been two months but I have learned a bunch of lessons that can last me for a lifetime which makes me kind of grateful for having cancer. I'm able to filter out who my true friends are and there is no other experience in life that can do that for you. I'm able to have more time to be more creative by my exploring more skills and even write again. I get to do more things that I love and spend more time with the people I love. So it hasn't been a really dark place. Maybe I'm on a bumpy road but not on a dark one where I seek the light at the end of it. I'll just get to where I need to be whenever I do and I know it's bright over there.

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How I Got My Purple Ribbon

As contrary to the popular belief, I, a cancer patient, would love to listen and answer all your questions about cancer. One popular belief on the other hand is that when the topic cancer pops up, everyone will think of a terminal illness where people go bald and everyone is given a number of days left to live. So naturally, conversations usually get awkward and they just end up tip-toeing around the subject or end up not knowing what to say at all. Science and technology is constantly evolving and cancer is being researched more than ever it was before so let’s start to get rid of that belief now. 

I understand that some cancer patients hesitate to share their story to the public because they do not want to be pitied upon or to be remembered as someone with cancer. No one wants to become their disease and will strive to live as normally as possible. But if cancer recognition becomes lesser and lesser, all types of cancer will be generalized into something terrible or life-ending and that all cancer patients are helpless. I have witnessed the complete opposite of this. Yes, cancer is not the best thing and it ruins your body, but not everyone with cancer is helpless. This is my own way of documenting my journey and raising awareness on Hogkin's lymphoma which is symbolized by a purple ribbon that I now proudly wear.

What is Lymphoma?

Lymphoma is a mutation of cells called lymphocytes. These lymphocytes usually accumulate in your lymph nodes located in your neck, armpit, and groin which enlarges. A lymphocyte is a type of white blood cell which defends your body from invading bacteria and viruses. There are two types of lymphoma: Hodgkin’s and Non-Hodgkin’s. Then there are numerous sub-types for each. A doctor once called it the best among the worst since it has a good prognosis, high cure rates, and good response to chemotherapy.

Long and Winding Road to Lymphoma

February this year, I had complaints of chest pain right in the middle of my chest. It usually just comes and goes so I had it checked a month later. X-ray results were normal so the doctor said it’s costochondritis meaning the cartilages in my ribs were inflammed. I also had frequent back pains but I just shrugged it off and related it to bad posture. After finishing a round of medication prescribed for costocondritis, the chest pain still persisted.

A month later I was convinced that it might not be an inflammation but rather heart burn or acid reflux problem. I was a medical student at that time so I had medical background on how to work myself up. I consulted a gastroenterologist in hopes of getting an endoscopy but then he said it’s most likely my gallbladder that has a problem. But surprise surprise, my HBT ultrasound came out normal. He gave me PPIs which were medication for acid reflux. The chest pain was managed but once the round of medication ended, pain still came back.

I was supposed to go back to my doctor for another consult but then quarantine happened due to the pandemic. By April, I noticed a lump above my left collarbone. I didn’t give so much thought about it because it could be just an infection since I had a cough that time. My chest pain already radiated to my right arm which was really painful to the point that it disturbed my sleep. I observed my lump for a while but then it was still present after a month and my symptoms didn’t get better. I was convinced that I really need to go to a doctor. 

The hospital had very strict COVID protocols in place for walk-in patients. I could not go to the doctors’ clinic because I had a cough which could be a symptom for COVID so I had to go to the ER for my check up. I was diagnosed with gastroesophageal reflux disorder (GERD) and cervical lymphadenitis. I needed an endoscopy because just like my suspicion, there might be a bacterial infection in my stomach causing my lymph nodes to enlarge. An endoscopy is a procedure that emits aerosols since they have to open my mouth so I had to take a COVID swab test and chest CT scan to make sure I was negative for COVID. 

So this was when things got an unexpected turn. My endoscopy was clear for any bacteria or infection and I only had slight gastritis and GERD. My CT scan showed I had a 6 cm mass in my anterior mediastinum which meant I needed to get a biopsy because it means I may have thymoma or lymphoma. I had a few spiraling moments of fear and anxiety at this point. They biopsied my mass above my collarbone but it only showed inflammation and necrotic tissues. A pulmonologist diagnosed me with tuberculosis (TB). I took a week of TB medication but I knew there was still something off. I consulted another pulmonologist for a second opinion and he said it was lymphoma. I took the initiative to search and go to a hematologist-oncologist who gave me steroids which relieved almost all of my symptoms! With me responding to the medication meant that I have more chances of having lymphoma. To be completely sure, I underwent surgery again to remove a sample of my mass in my chest and get it biopsied. And behold, the biopsy showed that I have Hodgkin’s lymphoma stage 2 - bulky. 

After 5 months, 6 doctors, 3 misdiagnoses, and 2 surgeries, I finally have a definite diagnosis. It may have been the worst diagnosis of everything that could have possibly been wrong with me, but at least I get to start being actually treated. I’m still lucky enough to have caught it at an early stage, to have sufficient medical background to work myself up, and to have a supportive family who was beside me despite these tough and trying times. I am still so blessed at the end of the day.

Please listen to your body and get yourself checked by your physician immediately. I know it’s difficult to go to a hospital during a pandemic but health is always a priority. I can’t imagine waiting until quarantine ends before I got myself checked. Who knows how far my cancer has spread by that time. Keep yourself healthy and stay safe.

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Thoughts on the Big C

When you are faced with some kind of disease that still does not have a definite cure, so many things immediately come into mind. It's not just a whirwind of emotions but also of thoughts, events, how your life is going to change, and even to a certain point you think about death and your life perspective instantly shifts. There is no easy way to tell anyone you have the big C as what other people would like to call it - Cancer. As a cancer patient, you already have expectations of how someone is going to react once you tell them about your diagnosis. Maybe a family member or close friend would have a more comforting and understanding feedback but then how about the rest of the world? There is just so much stereotypes about cancer and it is often a topic that is not so openly talked about. Is it because media has portrayed it in such a dramatic way like A Walk to Remember and The Fault in Our Stars? Is it because another character that would possibly play in your cancer story is Death? Being a cancer patient for me means so much more than just hospital visits for chemotherapy and going bald. Physical pain and hair loss is such a small price to pay in order to win the battle and get back to a healthy life.

At the start of my cancer journey, there is so much anxiety and uncertainty. Luckily, I have two friends who have gone through and survived the same challenges that I am still yet about to face. I found comfort in their experiences and them being able to answer all my questions. I also just recently joined a support group for my type of cancer online based in my country and everyone has just been so welcoming and encouraging. I've noticed that there aren't a lot of cancer patients living in third world countries that are vocal about their experiences. I've been watching a lot of vlogs on youtube about cancer stories but they're mosly based in the US or UK (not even in Asia). It's hard to fully relate since there is a lot of difference in the culture, lifestyle, and health care. I would like to start sharing my own experiences not only to spread awareness but also to make those newly diagnosed patients feel less anxious about starting their journey. It's so important and helpful to hear about experiences from other people that are going through or have went through the same circumstances as you. How it makes you feel not alone is an understatement. It's like getting a hug from a stranger far away but immediately finding that connection and empathy weirdly because of the disease that you both share. Here's a big hug to everyone who might need it right now. Someone out there somewhere is here for you and you might not believe it but that someone is going through the exact same thing that you are going through right now. I may be diagnosed with the big C right now but then I know I have a bigger God who never gives up on me.

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“I always marvel at the humans’ ability to keep going. They always manage to stagger on even with tears streaming down their faces.”

— Markus Zusak (via quotemadness)

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“be there for me, but give me the freedom to be there for myself.”

— iambrillyant

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choose a partner who is good for you. not good for your parents. not good for your image. not good for your bank account. choose someone who’s going to make your life emotionally fulfilling.

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“You are damaged and broken and unhinged. But so are shooting stars and comets.”

— Nikita Gill, “Shooting Stars and Comets”

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“Loving someone who cannot love you the same way in return is not weakness. It’s one of the most courageous things you’ll ever do. You are putting your armour at their feet and you are saying ‘I will not fight you in this. I have loved you and that means that I have already won.”

— Azra T.

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you might think that if you continue to be kind to someone that eventually they’ll return the favor. that if you stay patient, they’ll eventually realize their mistakes and apologize. but being a good person to someone who doesn’t appreciate it only gives them someone to use repeatedly. don’t let them.

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“Do not bring people into your life who weigh you down. And trust your instincts. Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt”

— Michelle Obama

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“I am too intelligent, too demanding, and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself.”

— Simone de Beauvoir