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rAIDEN & REN

    send me a ship and i’ll tell you …

—— Which one cried during a fucking disney movie?             ren probably would if he could cry.. u know

—— Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?             ren.

—— Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who” thing?             ren would do this 

—— Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?             ren.. …

—— Who had that embarrassing Reality TV marathon?             what else is ren supposed to do when he’s             left home all by himself aLL DAY HM?

—— Who laughs more during sex?             do u mean cry bc no one is laughing.              there is just tears. many tears of regret tbh.

—— WHO IS THE LITTLE SPOON?              r EN IF RAIDEN WOULD JUST LOVE HIM

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         ［ but for now i’m looking at pictures on my wall                     and pretending like i don’t want to die ］

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     Of course, Ren was awake. It really was a fools hope, wishing for anything different. Hearing his Kami’s worried voice, watching as he moved closer and stained his hands red with Raiden’s own blood -- his stomach churned. Truth to be told, he felt like passing out here instead of making his way all the way over to the bathroom. But he instead stayed where he was and felt Ren’s hands touching over his face. He didn’t answer his question about what happened -- he was sure Ren could tell from the wounds that it was Kotodama and Raiden didn’t need to explain to him why he used his ability.       “Don’t touch me,” he instead murmured, voice weak and a little thick as he moved to pull his face away from Ren. Even if he touched his lips, the man would refuse to open them and allow the exchange of bodily fluids needed to complete the healing process.        He didn’t want Ren to heal him. He didn’t want Ren to be hurt and suffer his wounds even if he could heal him in an instant through the ointment that Moto provided. He didn’t want, or deserve, a Kami. “Go away -- don’t . .”

Ren wouldn’t and couldn’t fall asleep. Not until he knew that Raiden was home and that he was okay. He might have thought about moping to Moto or Olive about what happened, but he was too scared of the idea that Raiden either would not come home or would come home injured. Both left him scared for his master’s well being. He should have tried to follow him, but by the time he could properly think or move his legs, Raiden was gone. Even though he asked not to be left alone, he had just left him. There was nothing more he  could do other than to sit and wait and the only company he had while he waited was the cat he had found earlier that day, which didn’t seem to mind Ren pulling them into his lap to pet as a distraction. The Kami lost track of time and decided he’d stop looking at the clock. It only made him more depressed and fearful of Raiden’s well being the later it became. He said he would return tonight and Ren would hold him to that. So when the front door had finally opened, he was already hurrying to see him. To pray he was okay and he hadn’t gone and done anything to hurt himself.  If it was possible for Ren to appear any paler, he would be in that moment. He knew he should have followed him and made sure he would be okay. He failed as a Kami to leave his master in this state for as long as he was. He was almost too afraid to approach, because what if he pushed him away? “R-Raiden.”  Quickly and easily he didn’t care if Raiden tried to push him away, because he wasn’t going to leave him like this. There was so much blood and only more coming. The Kami quickly hurried to his master, hands reaching for his face. There was blood everywhere and Ren wasn’t sure he had ever seen his wounds so bad. He didn’t care if he got his blood on himself, all he cared was keeping him steady. Ren had no idea how long he had been in this state and he spoke in quiet hushed whispers. “What happened to you? Please let me heal you,” he begged. He wouldn’t wait long for an answer, he couldn’t wait long, not when his wounds were so severe. “Don’t push me away,” he added, tone a bit shaky. He questioned whether Raiden could even focus on what he was saying. Which was maybe why he tried to pull his face close to kiss him.

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naifreveur

     He hoped Ren was asleep. Really, that was a bit of a fools hope -- a dumbshits hope -- but he still hoped it. Or maybe he had given up on Raiden all together and gone off to Moto’s for the night. That was the best case scenario out of all of this, but something told him that since he had promised Ren he would be home tonight -- he would be there waiting for him. Promised, had it even been a promise? He had pulled away from him, told him he didn’t love him -- and then proceeded to leave. In the midst of that, yeah, he had told him he’d be back tonight. But there was no promise. No claim laid on his words and no need to make good on the phrase slipped out as he ran away from his emotions, and his problems.        Maybe he came back because, while it hadn’t been a true promise, he didn’t want to let Ren down anymore. Even if it meant coming through the door, close to three in the morning, dripping red onto his new shoes and the entry way. That would have to be cleaned. But his head was a little fuzzy from the blood loss, and he wasn’t steady enough on his feet at the moment to properly clean up a few stains on the tile.       He had done exactly what he thought about when he left. Something stupid. Cliche, like an idiot, and gone out angry -- and hurting. Not hurt, hurt would imply that someone had done something to him. He was hurting because he had done something to someone else. Someone who didn’t deserve it.        He wasn’t even sure how it started. Walking, hearing the talks and words coming from strangers and knowing he could fix it with just a few words of his own. And he had. And he had gone too far, because like the idiot he was -- he didn’t think. He killed the ones before him, at least they werne’t good people and instead men harassing a young girl on a late night. He killed them with his kotodama and because of that, the wounds had come back to him. Which was how he returned back to his home. Bloodied, slashes to mark his skin for each word of harm he had cursed those before him with -- beaten deep into his skin and dripping red. Blood yet to be clogged, flowing freely down and staining his nice clothes. Ripped clothes. They weren’t nice anymore, and he really needed to buy some new ones.        Coming home didn’t mean that he wanted Ren to heal him. He just wanted to quietly walk through the house and crawl into the bath tub. He wasn’t actively trying to die, but if he just bleed out -- that’d be alright. He probably deserved it anyway. 

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It’s been one month since I redesigned this blog. I was nervous and wasn’t expecting much. I tried an oc blog once before and it failed. I expected this one to be similar, but I was determined to try! I’m so glad I did because I’ve had so many fun rps, and made some new friends! I even ended up making it a duel oc blog because Asher started to show up more and more ^w^. Now, I have reached over 200 followers! I want to thank every one of my followers for helping me get these two dorks active and explore their characters more and more. 

The Clan: These are the people who I constantly Rp with, admire, and consider friends. 

servantreirei: Azreal! I love all our rps! You let me explore so many different Au’s that I’ve always wanted to do. I hope to continue our awesome rps, friend! 

streetballpro: I like the rps we have, and I hope to make more ones soon. Hopefully with your other muse! I enjoy talking to you and I hope we can become good friends.

nonamedevil: I love our rps! Dimitri and Nobuto’s dynamic is just so fun to rp and explore. I hope we can talk more in the future.

studioxshimada: You helped me first get the spark for my oc. Our rp helped me develop Dimitri’s personality. I hope we can continue our rps ^w^. 

thecircusfreaks: I got to rp some darker themes and angst with Dimitri’s past! I love the angst in our rps and talking to you is a joy.

ninesilvertails: I love our rp! You helped me develop Asher! I hope we can talk some more, and make some more rps ^w^.

conuxdrum: Hehe, my best friend! We don’t rp here, but I’ll always add you!

The Familiars: These are people who I love to Rp with.

unholybloodshed, pathxofxthexrose, trashsmirks, whispersofthemuses, yxshiwara, theheroineofgods, livinglikeleevi, blackchomansion, txmporarial, artisticide, papxrdoll, opxst, bashfully-precious, gravesradium, venenatis-mordeo, apendaye, shinkineyuki, painxpacker, zweiltoftheblackblade, zweilttoko

The Artists: People who I just started rping with or enjoy on my dash

distortedwings,  reaperoftheunderworld, corrupitquepuritas, amissaanimae, notxsoxlucky, cxrdolium, nobleiism, originalheir, immortalxspy, fracturexangels, museofvice, traumfxnger, ara-ne-um. sperora, movexthief, dragonxkind, mammaterasu, bellum-vitae, kadamitas, vagabondofbabel, exequialis, forgottenhexrts, forcefulxlotus, lawlessxrecalcitrant, morticiann, dxsgusting, lionivert, defaultantihero, synthetiix, sxrpens, maliignantt, shxnka, aigaitai, datavox, angeliqueouji, surutakai, piinae, regicidas, deadawakening, finalunit,  pinkypovertygoddess, serpentinexwar, blindtowar, aestuavis, conguer, umbrasfidelity, niightroad, zeimos, zihuan

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Saya&Haji + Colorful. x

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     It was hard to resist the pull to look back at Ren. He didn’t want to look at him, because he could already feel his resolve crumbling. Stay. Stay. Stay with Ren. Don’t leave, don’t walk out, don’t be an idiot -- stay with him. Don’t fucking leave him -- but his feet were moving. He was off the bed, adjusting his clothing and running a hand through his hair to push it back.        Tears still thick in his eyes, he broke his resolve a fraction and cast a glance back at the kami on the bed. He had no doubt this time. If Ren could cry, he would be crying. He was breaking Ren’s heart. And breaking his own in the process. For what? For what? Why was he doing this? He couldn’t deal with the questions in his head, and instead glanced back away from those pleading eyes and hurried for the door. Throwing it open, he slammed the bedroom shut behind him -- heading for the entry way and to get his shoes on and . . get out of here.        Away from Ren. Away from this house -- go do something stupid, something to clear his head. “Fuck,” he cursed, rubbing his face as the front door too slammed behind him.

 His chest felt like it might explode from the sudden sadness that overwhelmed him. He couldn’t mean it, he didn’t, but Raiden confirmed, that yes, he would have sent him back if he could. He wanted to throw his arms back around him and beg him to rethink that. To tell him for sure if that was truly how he felt, but even if he did. Even if he would tell him he was positive of that fact, he would still have that small bit of hope. “You are my master,” he replied, voice weak. He didn’t want to think of Raiden possibly wanting someone better for him, because Kami chose their master’s and Ren was positive that his would be Raiden. He just needed his master to accept that. It’s already been three years, would it really happen?  Raiden had finally stood up and the Kami fell forward a bit, keeping his head down. He didn’t try to grab his hand or pull him back, he wasn’t sure he could really move. The Kami had only lifted his head when Raiden announced he needed to be anywhere else but here. He looked at him with pleading eyes. He didn’t like when he wasn’t with Raiden, because what if something bad happened to him and he wasn’t around to help him? He still couldn’t bring himself to move any closer. “Please don’t leave me alone,” he begged. He didn’t like not knowing where he would be going or when he would really be back. Maybe he wouldn’t be back by tonight? Raiden was obviously upset. He didn’t know what might happen while he was out. Ren was also selfish and didn’t want him to leave him alone. Maybe because of a lingering fear in the back of his mind that he wouldn’t come back, either by his own choice or not. 

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✦ by 鬼追清雨

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     He regretted the words as soon as they’d left his lips. But he didn’t take them back. He said nothing in order to make Ren feel better, and when the kami whispered his little hopeful words that Raiden didn’t mean what he said -- he was quiet. Did he mean that? Yes. He did. He would have given Ren back to Moto to be with someone better than him, someone that could actually care about him -- if he could bear that thought. But as it was, the thought of Ren belonging to anyone else made him furious.        Which was pathetic. Because Ren deserved a Master who would use him in the right ways, who would take care of him, who would care for him. He deserved that and Raiden wasn’t able to give that to him. No -- he refused to give it to him. He was able, probably, but he just . . wouldn’t let it happen.       “I do,” his voice was low and scratchy and he felt the stinging in his eyes grow. Ren had let go of him, he had released him and now -- he could leave. But the weight against his back was warm without any body heat. It was heavy, and it was a reminder. A reminder that, even though Ren wasn’t human, he had this person who adored him. Who loved him, who wanted him in every way there possibly was -- and Raiden was refusing it.        And that, coupled with his guilt, cemented him in place. He felt the tears drip down his cheeks and was glad that his back was to Ren, because he didn’t want the Kami seeing that. Tongue passing over the nick inside his lip, he gripped the mattress beneath him.       “ .  .You deserve someone who actually loves you,” and for once he was actually telling the truth. Raiden did -- feel that for him -- probably -- but was it actually love if he couldn’t say it? “You deserve a Master who will -- use you. Ren . . “      He passed a hand under his eyes -- and careful as not to stand up so fast that Ren face planted -- he slowly stood in order to leave the bed room. “I gotta -- I can’t be here. I’ll be back tonight.”

There was nothing said at first and Ren couldn’t bring himself to say anything more. He silently begged to Raiden to say something, anything. He couldn’t let him go and he didn’t want to let him go. He wanted him to let go, but Ren couldn’t bring himself to pull his hands away. If anything he had only held onto him tighter. He pressed his face closer, his silence screaming a million different things. “You don’t have to, you don’t,” he promised with a little voice, though his tone gave away his true feelings. He wanted him to say it, he did, but it wasn’t time. It wasn’t the right time and he couldn’t change Raiden’s mind.  Ren didn’t want to believe that Raiden thought of bringing him back. Maybe it should have made him feel somewhat better that he couldn’t because he didn’t want him with anyone else, but was that the kind of emotion he was looking for? He felt more like a prized object then a person that meant something to Raiden, which maybe that was what he was to his master. Just a piece of paper. Fingers gripped tightly to his shirt at the thought.  “You don’t mean that.” He wasn’t sure if he meant that as a statement or a question. He was not so sure if he was confident enough to believe that Raiden would never send him away. It had been a frequent thought in the beginning. He was always worried that Raiden would not be pleased with him and send him back to Moto, which he did not want. He didn’t want to feel broken or useless and it seemed Raiden had a talent for bringing him to feel that way. The Kami closed his eyes tightly, forehead pressed against his master’s back as he had finally let him go, letting his hands fall to his sides. “You don’t mean it,” he repeated, voice a quiet whisper.

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     Ren’s little words broke chunks out of his heart. Swallowing past the lump that just wouldn’t go away -- he utangled himself from his Kami. All intention was to get off the bed, fix his clothing -- and leave. Get some fresh air, clear his head and then come back. Act like none of this had ever happened, act like they hadn’t kissed like that and his lips hadn’t explored Ren’s soft body. Pretend he hadn’t felt Ren against him and wanted more. Pretend. He was pretty fucking good at pretending.        When his arms came around him -- Raiden paused for a moment. He could feel his face pressed against his back. His arms wrapped tightly around him, getting tighter with the second. He could practically hear Ren begging him not to leave, begging him to say it but also saying he didn’t have to say it -- and yet Ren wasn’t saying anything at all. He breathed out through his nose. Reaching up, he placed his hand over Ren’s. Tightening his grip, he closed his eyes tightly and scowled.        It had to be his name inside Ren. It had to be his blood that gave him life. It had to be, because there was no other reason for Ren loving him. He had no reason to. None at all.       “Let go of me,” Raiden murmured a little -- his voice cracking as emotions started to bubble up and get the best of him. He wasn’t like Ren. He could cry. He could cry without dying. And he felt like he was about to start sobbing. Because Ren was too kind, Ren was too sweet, Ren was too god damn gentle for him.        He was too much.        His hand tightened over Ren’s despite the fact that he had just ordered him to let go. Sucking in another breath, he bit down hard on his lip and shook his head a bit. “Get -- go. Put your shirt on. Let go of me -- I don’t want to do this with you. You just want me to say -- that. For some god damn reason, and I’m not going to. I can’t. I won’t -- so, stop. Fuck, Ren.”        Raiden pulled his hand away from Ren’s once more. His head hurt from supressing what he was feeling, and Ren wasn’t the only one who was guilty of letting things slip out of his mouth -- a point made clear when he mumbled; “If I could bear the thought of you belonging to someone else, I’d give you back to Moto.”

He should have never said anything. He should have stayed quiet and let things go along as they did, but no, he had to open his mouth. He had to hear those words, because he felt like none of this mattered as much to Raiden as it did to him, and he didn’t want that. He wanted this moment to feel just as special to him, feel something.   The silence was deafening and he wanted to take those words back. He should have known it would happen this way, but a part of him maybe hoped that Raiden would realize and he would say how he felt. Maybe he was wrong to assume Raiden felt the same way about him.  After all, he was just paper right? A tool for his master to use as he pleased. He was there to heal his master’s wounds. He shouldn’t ask him for something like that. It was the belief he felt when he was with Raiden.  Regret had immediately come across his face as Raiden’s touch had moved and pulled his hands away from his face. Fingers twitched faintly and he almost wanted to pull his hand away and grab his face once more, ask him to forget he had ever said anything, it was okay. He’d rather forget than deal with the sudden weight of regret he felt for speaking up. He didn’t try to fight the fact Raiden was pulling away from him. Maybe it was because his words stung. He felt paralyzed with a multitude of emotions building up in his chest. This wasn’t what he wanted and he tried to speak, though it felt near impossible to do so. “I’m sorry,” he began, tone already pleading as he sat up to stare at Raiden. He couldn’t take his eyes off him, fear gripping him strongly. He looked closer to tears than he had ever been before, but no matter how broken he felt, he tried to hide that expression on his face. “..I didn’t mean to say that.” He’s whispering now, barely able to raise his voice any further. Maybe it was a mistake for Ren to remain as Raiden’s Kami. Clearly he did not want him, but he was loyal to him and no matter how much he had hurt him just now, he would continue to remain loyal. “You don’t have to say anything.” He could pretend, he could continue to pretend to hear what he wanted from Raiden. Hope that maybe eventually he will come to love him and be able to say it to him out loud. He made no move to put his shirt back on and instead had inched closer to Raiden, arms wrapping around the other from behind, because he was not so sure he could face him right now. He was scared to see his expression and decided he just wouldn’t look. He pressed his face into his back, holding onto him tightly. He wanted to ask him to please not be upset. He couldn’t speak and the best he could do was just tighten his grip.

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     It made him feel better to hear those words from him. There was a slim to little chance that Ren had even done something like that -- that he would do something like that, and he knew that most Kami refused to heal anyone other than their Master. But Kami like that one at Moto’s home -- Ko? Po? -- existed who healed people for a fee. The thought of Ren ever doing something like that installed a bit of something inside him -- something like rage and pain. Ren kissing anyone else, Ren touching anyone else, Ren letting someone see his lips like this or his body arched gently -- his breathing heavy and the sweet, cute noises that slipped past his lips was . . infuriating. Unimaginable.        The soft touch of fingers against the hand that was cupping Ren’s face was sweet. It was nice and centered him into what was happening. Which was why when the touch slipped away and he was soon cupping his face, tugging him in for soft tender kisses -- Raiden wasn’t in a daze and knew everything that was happening. He could feel it, he could sense it and -- he knew exactly what Ren was asking for when he begged him to say it.       Raiden’s eyes widened in surprise. The hazy, lust filled look that had entered them was slowly slipping away as thick brows knitted together. Why? Why did Ren have to say that. He wished he could just ask him what he meant -- but he couldn’t get those words to slip past his lips. Because he knew that Ren meant.        He wanted him to say that he loved him.        Swallowing past the thick lump that had formed in his throat, he pulled the hand cupping Ren’s cheek away. Reaching up, he wrapped his larger hand over Ren’s smaller and slowly pulled it away from his face. What did that mean. Did Ren need to hear that Raiden loved him in order to do this with him? It wasn’t a outlandish statement. It wasn’t a cruel request, it was reasonable. It was everything that Ren deserved. He was quiet as he stared down at him with a knitted brow, and lips set in a straight line.        Everything that Ren deserved . . wasn’t Raiden. Raiden couldn’t say it to him. He couldn’t admit it to himself, let alone the object of his not-so-secret affections. He couldn’t look this -- thing in the eyes and tell him that he loved him. This Kami -- this piece of folded paper -- and tell him he loved him. He never wanted him. He refused him for three years, and was still refusing him, though now it was more of a battle against himself. He never wanted Ren. To tell him he loved him, even if it was true, would feel like a lie to him. It would fail like ash in his mouth and choke him like the thought of it was doing now.        Face contorting in pain, Raiden bit down hard on his lip. Too hard -- nicking the inside with how he was fighting with himself. What an embarrassment. On top of Ren -- wanting to go further than they ever had before -- and he was breaking down like this.  There was an injury present now, all the reason to kiss and to touch -- and yet Raiden was sitting up on his knees. Letting go of Ren’s hands, he refused to look at him. Arms came back to remove the legs that wrapped around his waist -- as per his fucking request -- and as he did so, he bit down harder on his lip.        “I can’t say what I don’t feel, Ren,” his voice was low as he spoke, tongue pampering over the small cut inside his mouth. “Put your shirt on.”

There wasn’t a clear answer on how he knew all the things that he did. He just knew them and for the most part, had known them since he first opened his eyes. He could sense how his movements grew possessive and before he could react he was faced with a slight frown. He wondered if something was wrong. Surprise had quickly overcame his features when Raiden asked if he had ever done this with someone else. He was almost always with Raiden, except for when he was at school, which he simply waited for him to come back. Unable to respond right away, he was drawn into another kiss, one in which he tried to show Raiden he would never and have never done something like this with another person. He wouldn’t dare.  “I would never do that,” he managed to reply, mumbling against Raiden’s lips, perhaps a little hurt that a question like that would even come up, but it must have been normal thought. That wasn’t exactly normal to be born with that sort of knowledge.  Ren’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt his master’s hand gently cup his face. A slow breath passed his lips. He was more than happy to oblige to his master’s wishes. “Only you,” he promised. He had no desire to heal anyone other than him. He had never let the thought cross his mind. It was also pleasing to the Kami to hear Raiden say those things. It maybe had him feeling a bit special, causing a faint tint of color to bloom on his face. He returned what kisses he could, raising a hand and carefully brushing his fingers over the hand that cupped his face. For a moment the Kami had said nothing in reply to his master’s question. He was silent, eyes still focused on the male, though his words had escaped him. Did he want to do that? Of course he did, but was that time right now? Ren gripped Raiden’s hand, giving him a small nod, but his words contracted his actions. His hand had left the other’s and now cupped Raiden’s face, pulling him closer. Tender needy kisses were offered as he started to think too much. “Please say it.” He was almost too scared to let him go. He didn’t exactly mean to say it out loud, but now that he had, all he could do was wait and see. If this was any other moment. If his master had been injured, it would be different. He would do as he asked in a heartbeat, he would have healed him in whatever way he had wanted and without question, but it wasn’t like that. It was different and it meant something much more to the Kami.

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But behind the scene she means the world to me. I wanna tell her that she’s beautiful and show her that she’s loved. Hold her hand when she’s scared. Tell her how much I care.

So, I’m currently addicted to this hahahah. But it would be great if you watch the video. You can watch it here.

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Kanda + Blue