parables-primes-blog-blog

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I walk up the stairs every night and still try to avoid the step where it makes a loud noise when I walk on it. I did this to make sure that I didnt wake you when I was walking up stairs or down stairs. I wanted you to have as much rest as you possibly could.

I dont know why I still do that. The idiot in me thinks that you will still be up in the bedroom and I dont want to disturb you. I always wanted to make your life a little easier.

I dropped by Tom’s market the other day to check in and see if you still were making your candles. The owner (might have been the guy you went out with that night I saw you last) said that you had not sent any their way in a while and that you might be selling them at the Meuller farmers market. Have you given up on that dream? I still look for your new products on Etsy and other sites and see nothing. Was all of that sacrifice for nothing? The countless hours of driving, political work so you could have your own company...was it all a lie? 

I know you have been busy with school and trying to keep that job but towards the end you seemed very committed to starting that up? Was it so you could make more money so you could move out faster? In the end, it doesn't matter.

Those little steps, those hours of work seem to have been for nothing. Maybe I should have focused on us more than on your dreams. Our future instead of yours. I would have been able to do more around the house, not been so tired. I would have been able to be more focused on everything. 

Now its all burning. 

Lord sometimes I hate you. Truly. Sometimes I despise you more than anyone I have ever known. Why didnt you fight for us? For me? I know, as I have stated, many times over the past few months, that I was far from perfect. I know I could have done, and should have done, better. There are countless things that I should have done to make you happier and I regret not doing those every day. 

But why didnt you fight? Was I not worth it? Was I just to hard to love, to hard to work for, to hard to try to understand? Was I not smart enough? Not bold enough? Not brave enough? For the first time in my life I thought I found the woman who would fight for me as much as I fought for her. I thought I found the woman who would try to be with me as I did with you.

I love you but I do not like you at all, Katy.

And despite all of that, I still tell you I love you, every night. I still reach over to hug you to let you know I am there. I still make extra food for you so you do not go hungry. I still drive for that mythical house that we will never have. The shattered life that once was so real and vivid. Now its as empty as the bed that I am laying in. No other woman can or will ever be able to fill your space. Believe me, Ive tried.

I got home last night at 4 trying to fill the void. But instead of warmth, it left me with just a bitter chill rolling over my body. She looked like you, as it seems every woman does these days. I didnt even pursue her because she looked like you. But as the night drew further on I saw it. As clear as day.

I know this too shall pass but fuck I hate it. And you. And I love you.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

Last night when I got home I thought I saw Earp in the house. I felt like crying because I was so happy. I felt all of the warmth that we had rush back. The house seemed to light up again, the silence was gone and, for a moment, I felt safe again. 

But just as soon as it came, it all crashed away. Everything rushed out the open door, the warmth, the sounds, the light, the love.

I heard a laugh, ever so silent but definitely there.

The rumba dock sat there, empty. Black as night. Cold as ice. Staring back at me.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I couldnt sleep because I have an interview tomorrow for a new job. I talked to a girl that Im seeing for a while but I decided to watch some of the videos we made when we first started dating.

I now know that I fucked up.

I should have trusted you and what you said and did form the beginning. I should have trusted that you were telling me the truth with the level of your desires and your sexual energy. I should have listened. I see it now in your eyes, in your actions. I should have watched them more often and made more with you over the past several months.

Why did I say that that part of our relationship wasnt me when it was me at my most raw. 

Ohh g-d what have I done? Ive lost it all because I wasnt willing to be myself. Because I didnt trust you that you were being honest with me. 

Ohh g-d...what have I done...

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I was driving tonight in North Austin after dinner with my parents for fathers day. Margo was there and we talked about the immigration crisis and life in general. Margo is sick but it was great to see her. Its always good to see her and my parents. I hope your father had a great one. I miss him.

Driving late in the evening isnt my thing any more but I wanted to grab as much light as possible. I ended up giving a couple a ride from Biryani pot.to their house. They said that it was very good and one of the only authentic places in town, I immediately took note and said “Katy would love it, next date night”.

I dont know why I still do that.

We drove north on mopac with the sun setting off in the western sky. The sky looked like it was on fire. Glowing and feeling so warm, so full of hope. Then I noticed what was a castle in the sky; powerful and magnificent with spires shooting into the sky. So strong and filled with hope and dreams. How many years did that take to build? How much love went into each of those stones? How long did it take?

I wonder what explorers would have thought if they saw something like that. Would they have thought it was El Durado? The city of gold? The city that they have thought and dreamt about for years. Would they have set camp while the sun set and planned their journey from there. Only to wake up and see that it was all a dream. All an elusion. The castle was nothing but a whisp of cloud?

But instead of one night I felt like I was walking for years. Towards this symbol of beauty, comfort, strength. Then it just vanished. I should have seen the signs, just like those explorers. But I ignored them because I was blinded by what I loved. But instead of by gold and power I was blinded by a future that could never be.

I thought about what you said the last time we spoke to eachother and have every day. You said I would “be a bad father” because of what I did around the house. I didnt walk Zorro enough. I didnt clean the kitty litter well enough.

I dont think you know how much that hurt. Or maybe you did and you just said it so you knew that it was done. But why would you have been so cruel?

I dont understand and I never will. 

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

Three days ago would have been our two year anniversary. I had started to plan that day in January. We would have gone to Iron Cactus and then a show at the Alamo. The next day, a day on the lake, Chicken Shit, dancing, dinner at home.

But instead of that I was on another date with another woman. She is nice enough. The next night, another woman, another date. Tomorrow night (tonight) another date, another woman.

Zorro is having a hard time these days. So am I. I just cant stop thinking of you. I see you everywhere I go. Your car, your presence. 

What pisses me off is that I know that things were not perfect towards the end. You stopped talking to me, you never wanted to be intimate, you were dismissive and short. You rarely seemed happy to see me. 

What happened?

I know you told me but I dont believe you when you say what you said. I have played back so many things I said in my mind. Was it when I commented on how the weather was being schizophrenic? The second I said that I knew that was a mistake. I should have apologized to you then and there. I had the time as I was driving you to work.

Was it when I said that how I acted in the beginning of our relationship wasnt me? That has echoed in my mind ever since I said it because its just not true. I shouldnt have said that because I am that in almost every way shape and form. I said that because I dont want you to think that I do not value you as a woman, as a partner, as a lover. I guess I wasnt listening to you. I was always worried that I was hurting you or that I was degrading you somehow. Even though you consented every time and seemed to enjoy it. Ill remember that for my future relationships. I can already tell that Alexandra will enjoy what I have to offer but I dont want to give it to her. I want to share these experiences with you. Only you. I should have trusted you when you said you liked it. That was my fault.

We didnt have sex a lot in the last few months. I know that. Part of it was because you were sick a lot and I didnt want to push you too hard when you were not feeling well. Then you had longer periods than you had had in the past. Then you started feeling sick again. Then you lost interest.

But it wasnt just you. I was stressed with work and didnt know how to cope with it. I should have been more force full with what I wanted and expressed myself better. I should have paid more attention to you and what you needed. It was equally my fault.

Is that what killed us? The lack of sex? The more I think about it the more it makes sense. Things were so good for so long when we had a healthy sex life. We could express ourselves more, we communicated better, we shared more, we were happier. Even when you were working hard at A-town we still had intimacy.

How can someone as sexual as myself lose that fire and passion? No, I always had that passion for you. I always wanted to hold you and make love to you.

What is really scary is that Alexandra looks JUST like you. To the point where its hard to distinguish who she is. Similar hair cut, very similar body shape, loves vintage clothes, similar temperament, looks amazing naked. If I were to take a picture and compare side by side you could be sisters.

Im worried about that. 

Am I drawn to her because she looks, acts, and sounds so much like you? Or are you just my type and Ill always be drawn to women like you? This is just too similar though...does that mean I havent gotten over you? I know I haven’t, I dont think I ever will.

I always think about what you are doing these days. Are you working at UT still?  Did you get a gig for the summer? Are you working at the coffee shop? Are you traveling? Are you going out on dates with that guy? Are you working at all? Do you still enjoy your morning coffee? Are you out on the lake? Do you wonder what I am doing?

Do you even care? I think, no. 

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

Tap Room. San Marcos.

So many memories here. So much time spent at this bar. Im here for reasons I dont want to talk about but Im here, in large part, because life has turned just insane.

I dont want to be here. I dont want to be where my life is right now. I want to be home, with the boys, snuggling up in the couch, or walking up while you play stardew valley. Seeing the joy in your eyes as you find something there. Hearing your laugh, your footsteps coming up and down the stairs. Your voice. Lord...your voice. It was so calming. So full of life.

I know things were not perfect towards the end. We had issues that are very apparent now. But still...even the imperfect was better than this.

I wonder...do you feel the same way? Probably not. You have moved on and left me with the smoldering vissage of our former life. Of our former future. Is there a word for that? Fantasy? I think that that makes the most sense.

I guess thats why this is all so hard. Fantasy was so close to becoming reality. I had, literally, everything I ever wanted in a woman. I had passion, intelligence, fire, nerdom, beauty, strength. Not perfection. No one is perfect. You were arrogant at times, dismissive (same thing?) you were not flexible when you should have been. You didnt pay attention to what was actually going on all the time.

But still...just fuck.

I wonder if you even know how much I am hurting. Do you think about me? Do you have dreams about me like I do about you? Do you hurt as much as I do? Probably not. You left on Feb 9th. Im still trapped in the world that was. Im stuck in the house that is still burning. That wont stop burning. But I cant leave.

I want to. But maybe I dont. Maybe I want to be trapped in this hell. Maybe its the only thing that keeps my memory of you alive and thats why I keep doing it. Am I glutton for punishment?

I have a young woman staying with me tonight and I have three others who would if i asked. Ive been with 10 women since you left. Im going to be with one tonight. One on Wednesday. Another later this week.

But none of them compare to you. None of them have your grace. Your essence. Your presence.

None of them are you. And that is why Ill always be lost.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I just had my exit interview. It was difficult, as expected but not as bad as it could have been. My boss is amazing. I wish I could stay. Next post will come from my house, not my office. I wonder how long I can stay in there without losing my mind.

I also had my first rejection from a job that I applied for. Not unexpected and I know I will see others. I hope not many. But I know I will see a few. Just like the shitty dates Ive been on or the dates that I think go well but end with silence. I prefer the ending to the silence. I guess thats one thing that you gave me that I appreciate. You at least gave me an ending, though you did it over the phone and not to my face.

Ill come back after dropping off the pizza at del valle middle school and turn everything in. Then Ill start driving. Who knows how long Ill drive for. I hope only days to weeks and not months. Would you have stayed with a glorified cab driver for long?

Dear tipper friend, this is the end. My only love, the end.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

So this is the end. I cant believe that this phase in my life is officially ending tomorrow. It feels like Ive been here forever and yet its only been 19 months. 

What a glorious time it was. I had stability, was able to save money, had a job I loved, I had you. Everything seemed great. Close to perfect. I was able to travel, enjoy life. I wasnt stressed about money (ok thats not 100% true) but I was more relaxed than I ever was before. I was able to make a mark on CARY like I never dreamed of. New offices, new website, new partnerships, 20% more social media traffic, unprecedented media awareness, a return to the county’s radar, Ever since 2006 I dreamed of a year like last year, I dreamed of a life where I could have what I earned and didn't worry about life. 

Maybe that was the problem. I took it all for granted.

I got lazy at work. Well not lazy but I definitely wasn’t as aggressive as I maybe should have been. I took things for granted. I took for granted that I would never be able to stop by the office when I was driving. I took for granted the fact that I would have my health insurance payed for. I took for granted the fact that I would have a steady income. I took for granted that I would still have a job that made me feel worth while. That gave me a purpose. That gave me hope.

Just like I did with you.

Now, as the last vestiges of those 19 months comes crashing down around me, all I am left with is this feeling like Ill never have that again. I waited for over 10 years for that security to happen. Do I need to wait another 10? What is around the bend. For the first time in a decade I was sure that it was positive. A House, kids, growing with you, retirement, love, safety, calm. What happens if it never comes?

Now all I see is pain. I need to drive again for a living. The heat, the exhaustion, the shame. All over again. Will I ever find a job again? Was this my one shot? How can I afford $600 in health insurance cost on top of driving? How can I save for a house? Is that house only a dream, a smoldering pile of broken dreams?

Will I ever feel safe again? Will I ever be able to breathe and feel warm like I did in 2017? I know it wasnt a perfect year, what year is? We had our fights, I didnt like where we lived, my friends were kinda flaky, your brother ended up having to go to San Diego, your sister and Lolo almost split. But I had a job, friends, travel, a purpose. A dream. I literally had a life that I was proud of.

Now, as cliche as it sounds, life has killed the dream I dreamed.

I don’t think Ill cry much tomorrow. Ive made my peace with reality. Im a survivor after all, I move on and roll with the punches. But I have this terrifying feeling like something awful is about to happen. As if enough hasn't happened already. Or am I so punch drunk that I cant focus on anything but the pain, the trauma, the loss? 

I wish you were here right now to see this. I wish I could have you with me to help me through this time. Or maybe its for the best that you didn't see me like this? Or would this have happened? When you left it was a blow that I was unable to recover from. I felt completely listless after you left my life. I tried to fill it with things and people, sex with lots of women, booze, awful food. But none of it worked. Nothing works. Time has helped a little but what you did a few weeks ago made it all new again, fresh. Fuck you for that still, btw. For serious, fuck you.

There is a gaping hole in my heart, in my soul, in my very existence that has finally caused it all to collapse. Now as I sit here, waiting for the lyft bell to chime to tell me where and when my next ride will be, I just feel sad. I feel like I am in mourning for a life that never was but that was so fucking close. I could see it, feel it, taste it, touch it. It was so real, as real as your arms around my shoulders. As real as the kisses you gave me. As real as your laugh, your smile, your wonder. Ill never look into your eyes again.

Im just waiting for that ring, for that message, but I know it will never come again.

So this really is the end. 

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How do you still pop into my mind? How does someone just crack that wall that I have built so easily? Ill be with friends, driving around, having sex with another woman and it just hits me. Like a rock through a window and it shatters everything.

The quiet that I built up. The comfort of my friends or a partner. The space that I have developed. Gone. And the horrible roar of my past life comes back. Horrible? No, wrong word. The painful reminder of the life I had. Its all fucking gone.

Do you think about me anymore? Am I the only one who is trapped in this cycle? Do you think about me in the morning when you are having your tea? Did you think of me when you went out this weekend for Memorial day? Did you think of me when you were on the lake? Did you go on the lake? Did you spend it with friends, family?

You dont even do anything, which is what is so fucking terrifying. Where did i start with this?

It doest matter. Ill pick myself up, put the broken pieces of my life back together. Ill go on my walks, date, hang with friends, try to save up and move out ASAP.

Just fuck my life.

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Fuck you. 

How could you have done that? How could you have been so cold, so brazen, so fucking heartless? 

I dont care that you were with another guy. I know you are dating and so am I. I dont care that you went to one of our bars. You have every right to take anyone wherever you want to take them and vice versa. I don’t even care that you made out with him. Your gonna make out with people that you are with and you want to be with. That happens. Its life. Ive made out with women since we last saw eachother. Ive even been intimate with them. I know you have moved on and I am trying to do the same.

What I am pissed about is that you chose to do that right in front of me. I know you saw me inside. You knew that I was there. You saw me sitting with my friends outside on the back patio. You could have just walked over, talked to his friends(I assume thats who those people were) and then left. Thats what a decent person would have done. A decent person would have seen me and just turned around because they were with someone else and they wouldn't want to hurt the other person.

But no. You had to sit where I could clearly see you, talk to his friends, and start making out with the guy. Like for several minutes. What the fuck. Who thinks that that is ever appropirate? What kind of sick, twisted mind thinks that someone should do that infront of the person they claimed to love, that they almost started a life with? Even after years I would never do that to you. EVER.

Did you see me out in public on a date and I made out with a girl? Did you see me going to our favorite places? Cause if you did Im sorry but I NEVER SAW YOU THERE.

What the actual fuck. Is that a way for you to mark your independence? That I am no longer a person in your life? That you just dont give two fucks about me anymore?

Ive been through a lot and seen a lot as well. Ive had some terrible things happen to me but this is just the absolute worst. Possibly the most cold hearted thing anyone has ever done to me as an adult. And I once had an ex withhold medication as a form of abuse. Ive been hit, had shit thrown at me, stalked. None of that hurt as much as what you did. 

I am seriously shocked that you could be so cold. Is that what you do to all of your ex’s? Just so they know that things will never happen again? I know that you think of yourself as a tough woman who doesn't need anyone, that everyone is like a student crying for a grade that they did not deserve. 

Tough people don’t abuse people they know, especially ones that they used to love. Not everyone is a student of yours who you can just look down on with those condescending eyes. Tough people don’t abuse their privilege and flaunt things around people who have less than they do. 

Monsters do that. People who do not care about others do that. Do you think that you are just better than everyone else, better than the man who you once talked about kids names with, how we would raise them, owning a home with? The man who worked every day to make sure you could start your company up, who covered most of rent, paid for whenever we went out, made you dinner, spent time with your family and you with mine. Who you talked about traveling to see your sister in France. Who you told stories about Uncle Bob so many times I practically knew who he was. Who cat sat for your parents so you could focus on work. Who took you to work so you could get more rest. Who flew up to spend several weekends with you in Nebraska. Who drove the U-Haul down from Nebraska so you didnt have to be stressed. Who took care of you when you were sick. Who gave you foot massages to almost every evening. The man who was taking dancing lessons before you left even though it made him very uncomfortable. The man who drove on the side so we could have the life we wanted, so you could save and pay off your debt.

I am FAR from perfect, I know that. I was messy, prioritized things differently than you did. I was overly attentive at times and I was careless with my words. I didnt follow through with all of my promises. I had night terrors and was sometimes very rude. I drank a little too much. I should have tried to break out of our rut and try new things. I wasnt in to dancing which I know you love. We were not intimate for a while and that was partially my fault. I was moody at times for no reason. You asked me to be less attentive and I was not always successful.

But fuck you. Was that the woman that I fell in love with? Did I hide that from myself for years? Did you? Again, I know that you are a strong woman and Ive always loved that about you. But holy shit. Have some sympathy for those of us who are suffering. Dont kick us when we are down. Just walk away next time, dont turn around and stab me in the heart. Be a fucking adult, not a petty child.

Just...fuck you.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I wish I could tell you about my week this week. That you would have been there  to help me through what has been a horrible week. I wish I could have been there for you during finals and to help you grow your brand. That we could have held each other for hours and reassured each other that everything would be ok.

I dont feel safe anymore. I haven’t since you left. Since Feb 9th before you left. I keep seeing you everywhere, in everything. When I drive up to the house there is a car that looks EXACTLY like yours. It gives me a shot of absolute joy every time but that joy is always followed by just the crushing blow of not seeing you.

I miss you so much, Katherine. I miss every second that you are not in my life. I miss my friend. Please come home.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I was at the fashion show last week. I was very impressed with how well the event went off and with how impressive the students works looked on the runway. The entire time I was thinking what it took for you to help put that on. How many hours? How many long nights? How many frustrated calls. Triumph? Scares. 

I thought I saw you on the stage giving the trophies to the presenters. I was sensing your frustration  cause they just didn’t seem to give a damn about what you were doing. You looked just amazing, as always. I wanted to cheer for you and only you because I knew just how hard you work. I heard one of your students echo what you always said about teaching your students applicable skills because not all of them are going to go into high fashion.

I thought of how proud you must have been after completing something with Okie and the rest of the team. How wonderful it must have felt. All you had left for the semester were finals and then you would be done with the semester. 

I wanted to hug you. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to tell you how proud I was of you. I wanted to just be with you.

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Have I really kissed you for the last time? Have I loved you for the last time, truly? Will I never hear you laugh again? Have I touched you for the last time?

I just cant take it. Its too much. The loss just burns worse than anything I have ever experienced.

I know things were not perfect but I just cant believe that this is over. I accidentally viewed your Linkedin today...thats a lie. I just forgot that I was signed into my account on my work computer. For the love of laughter and everything that is good in the world it just hurts.

I dropped off your mail at your parents house last night. I cant believe that Ill never have another thanksgiving there, another Christmas, another meal with your parents. Ill never see daiquiri. Ill never talk to your dad and hear about his life when he grew up. Ill never get to meet Pat or Mimi. Youll never join us for Seder, go to Zach’s graduation, go on vacations with me. Grow old with me. You wont be the last thing I see before I die.

I just cant take this.

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I fucking hate weekends. What do I do? I could go to the grackle exhibit tonight or tomorrow night but I worry you might be there. Another night alone for dinner. Another awful night in that house that I can not stand. So much silence. Thick air. The match will go on tomorrow and that will be fun. But then what? 

I know we didnt go out a lot the last two weeks we were together but you just started feeling better. Drives to Frederickburg, Kerville. But you would probably be busy planning your fashion show. And the weekend after that would have been my event. Then finals. But then summer vacation. Time. So much time. Time to travel. To North Carolina. To see some of your family. To visit my sister. We would have time to work on the yard and garden. We would have made the yard nice for evening partys. 

I took you for granted for far too long. I got complacent. I didnt push myself to work on us and myself. Even though I was worried I never let that spur me on to be better fast enough. I wish I could see you tonight. To hear about your day and how the event planning is going.

All I do now is drop off your mail. Thats as close as I can get to you. Is that as close as I ever will get to you again?

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

There is something about the mornings that sting more than anything else. I guess its cause after you got your job at UT I was the one who made sure that the boys were good for the day. I would run the rumba down stairs and upstairs so the house wouldn’t stink too much like cat and dog. I would make sure everyone had fresh water and if you didn’t have a chance to feed the cats in the morning then I would. There was always a energy in the morning. An excitement for me. I know you were never a morning person but I still loved them. I would make sure that everything was shut down for the day. Life permeated the walls, the smells, the sounds, everything. Everything was alive.

Now its just cold. Silent. Erie. The air is thick and motionless. The light is cold and antiseptic. I can hear the low din of the tv over everything. Zorro still likes hearing the TV when Im gone. Its a poor substitute for what we had.

I miss you. So very much

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Ive noticed that Zorro is crying at night more these days. I think it has sunk in that you are never coming back with him. He sniffs the cat tower every morning, as if he is trying to hold on to the memory of his brothers, to the past. If he can breathe them in just for a second longer he can bring them back in his mind, even if for just flash of time. 

Then he lays next to it for a few minutes. I think he is waiting for them to come into the room and jump over him to get to the top. He misses chasing them around the house and having them bop his face. He misses watching them eat before or after he eats. I often find him hovering over where their food bowls used to be. Looking for that last bit of food that they may have missed. That seems to be both of our lives these days, looking for moments, flashes, little reminders of the life we had. I think thats one of the reasons Ive left the house exactly how you left it. Other than the bed, nothing has changed. Im hoping that one morning Ill wake up to see the grackle paintings above the dresser, to see the robots holding up the tablets, the long string of pictures on the wall, the plates that you loved so much. 

I can still, sometimes, see them around the corner for a moment. I die for those moments, trying to keep them as long as I can. But, like you, its suddenly gone. Vanished in a cloud of tears and scotch. 

Will I ever see you again? Will I ever touch you again? Will I ever hear your voice? Will I ever tell you that I love you when you are there and not in the middle of the night to try and push out the deafening silence or when I am in my car driving somewhere to get someone to do something.

I wonder, do you do the same? Will you ever do the same?

[parables-primes-blog-blog]

I wish you were here. 

I wish I would be making plans with you this weekend, that we would getting excited about our two events coming up. You, your first fashion show at UT and me, my big fundraising gala. You would be asking me if I have done my taxes yet (yes) and I would be asking if I could help with the fashion show (no, but thank you for asking). We would be planning out our date night Ichiban again, or somewhere new? Asti Tratoria sounds good.

I wish you were here.

I would still be, secretly, planning our anniversary trip. Somewhere warm. Florida, perhaps. I would already have lined up a boat so we could get out on the water. Hotel? Check. Pet sitter for the boys? Check. I just needed to find out when to tell you/surprise you. Our trip to Fredericksburg was just wonderful but we could definitely top it.

I wish you were here. 

The future has become so cloudy now, no direction other than whats going on tomorrow. Whats for dinner? Probably nothing. Whats the end goal? Survival. Saving. Trying to fall asleep at one instead of three. Trying to keep the house clean. Trying to muster up the energy to move forward. 

I wish you were here.

So much has happened but things always happen, right? Maybe it just feels like so much has happened because when I was you nothing else really mattered and everything was in the amazing halo that was us.