paraclete0407 - Tumblr blog

[paraclete0407]

Shame, self-hate, voices I want to hear again, why not now, right now, like in ‘Lincoln’ where he’s getting furious about billions unborn.  I don’t even hate anti-racism at all; I despise Obama-ism yet voted for him in ‘12 and felt ‘entitlement and pride.’  Now IXK is on my Twitter, looking beautiful, I want to kowtow.  The most holy, sacred cause, the most beautiful star which is the Sun to me, I keep acknowledging n/Nature, why?  I already knew that people want big lives when the are young and smaller when old and that the climax or ‘golden hour’ of life is not able to be called down by us.

Put in mind of Revelation in which Jesus says woe to them who keep connecting houses.  Suddenly there are all these people living outside of myself who appear readable - my favorite YouTuber Servants of Christ says let us head home if we can so I felt maybe RU Library of Science and Medicine which all my Christian PharmD friends know - not a joke at all - but she won’t even talk to me because that which we share in sentimental affection is substance for her and admiration and detached yearning or me, as though to say, ‘And it was good to know that at least someone other than I’ - a poem translated by Brother Anthony of Taize about wanting to look up to another but then it you are here why not be born?  There is some kind of ‘Grand Alliance’ I sense and it is almost as if no one is an enemy anymore and the greatest tragedy is just to disappoint or have an off-day like the Foolish Virgins.  IXK is all about attacking dangerous idiots which is basically Holy War but then it felt like Mao-baiting or ‘Democrat verbal hardball audacity’ but ‘anti-racist’ is a sacred word, the redemption of ‘discrimination.’  Wahh Piper, Platt, the only justice is ‘cosmic justice’ - I remember this person who was friends with ‘Danilov’... I drove to Madison to scope hospitals and shelters and finally I could see the ‘full course of life’ of someone for whom life in past was moments or suggestions / situations and yet I had become more dependent than ever and less and less confident in the youthful or specifically 20-odd-X ethos of ‘send what you have,’ I just wish that I could recollect some detail but that would be to end somebody else’s story at her beginning.  

I am very ignorant and don’t stick to my knitting ~ I wish that I could let the people I believe in consume me but they already know what is in me or what I would like to be in me.  I want to be broken and to blossom but I don’t know if it is the time for that.  I am sorry for my shamelessness and ripping everything and everyone apart against my own discretion or whatever discretion I once aspired to.  All day I hear and want to sing ‘I Need Thee Ev’ry Hour.’

[paraclete0407]

Misuse many words like ‘epaulette’ for ‘shoulder-board(?)’ - rem. calling home to leave summer-camp the assistant director or s1 gave me a [clover? - dandelion-puff?] - [] said I cross too many lines and unfortunately I read Frye who talks about how it’s better to enact than nurse a desire(?!), like, ‘Let’s just loose what is restrained and corrupt ourselves by making external what is internal’ - ‘I like chocolate-cake and literature night-classes but sometimes dream of driving the Holocaust-truck’ - I guess personally I dream of ‘narcissistic withdrawal’ like the guy who cut off all his pro-Obama friends.  ‘Recuillement’ from GXJ, who wrote of the ‘the artist’s hypertrophied ego.’ - TW-1 studies him well I’m sure - I do not like this stuff anymore and only wonder where they are properly gathering ‘good things old and new’

[paraclete0407]

In 2012 Assessment was awesome I had undying respect for the instructor a doctoral degree holder who spoke of a principal saying coffee-drinking un-professional.  I was reading books and stuff and then decided not to get in touch with this Rufus King professional + no longer know RK’s reputation or anything about their outcomes.  ‘Really disciplined...’- it’s more ‘North Korean dreams.’  

There’s this part in American Pastoral which pomo clowns probably got wrong but Roth wrote a long sentence talking abt someone who became dependent on eating his Danish - ‘get me going, wind me up’ - Borges liked his cornflakes, Milton made his daughters come to the bedroom (was blind / wanted to hear their voices), is it coffee or the absence of coffee.  What do kids really need and what point does the image cease to matter and the substance become native to the heart.

Perlman ‘Schindler’s List’ high note I heard live a few years ago.  Violin was my first-choice instrument but hands are abt size of Arrau (11th); to this day could be argued violin remains the once and future prince of instruments, nothing else can approach in purity or closeness to human voice, ‘final individuality.’  Theoretically / mathematically ‘cello and bass can play just as high.  The thing about just learning music IDK, where does ‘discipline’ become ‘indifference to everything sloppy and leaving imperfect ppl for dead.’  ‘My friend’ talking about Hyungseo just don’t; the whole world already auto-loves this young woman; just work on your life, abandon jazz, skin-quality hinges on diet, poss. leave Chicago.  I as fond of ‘chaekim’ / responsibility but it’s too cute and it has lewd sub-meanings the song will soon be consigned to oblivion.  Before C-19 there were two versions of ‘Overcome’ and the produced version evoked the world or ‘city-vision-layout’ but the live version got the rapid-fire ‘majimak’ which is the word on everyone’s mind right now.  

[paraclete0407]

There was this ‘Old School Love’ or YMCA vibe to the side-office when ‘Pineapple’ wasn’t knee-pit-kicking kids but OTOH just as Rutgers is like ‘try getting raped for free once instead of trafficked’ it is like, ‘Squall’s sword will pierce my heart’ - let it be this person, the part in Jinro where he shoots his girlfriend.  Koreans naturally improved w/ one of their last best films, forced reunification by the edge of the sword against greed and parochialism, at the end, ‘This is a fair execution’ which is 100% the case but then there is ‘another color of morning’ or ‘a different shape and soul of some new chance.’  Zhang Yimou used to make really pure films IMO such as ‘To Live’ - ‘Grandpa what comes after the ox?’ - ‘[full, Marxian last phase] communism] - then made ‘Hero’ which goes all the way back to Jingke the assassin who want to takes out the future 1st Qin Emperor but realizes that Legalist totalitarianism to unite the realm was imperative and accepts his own execution.  Fortinbras after encircling Elsinore and finding the royal family dead says, ‘Let Hamlet be borne like a soldier’ and in ‘Yingxiong(?)’ though Jet Li gets pierced with like 1,000 arrows the soldiers are hailing his body.  OTOH what’s Putin / Justinian up to?  Russian Christianity is not like Chinese statecraft and the FSB, the fact that he’s gonna reign till like 2034 and I devoutly hope that his conciliatory rhetoric is real and that his aptitude for writing future history is accompanied by a plan.  Rem. the winter Crucifixion-pageant in ‘Andrei Rublev’ where the ‘Greek’ icon-painting monk is saying well if Jesus came back to Earth today they’d crucify him again, including the people commemorating Calvary, ‘these f-ckface yokels / churls’ or IDK whether you ought to say it or not b/c I’m mean + they were literal slaves from what I know; but Andrei says if you give someone a little more, pet them w/ fur-grain, they might be gentled and too / further think that sacrificial bright-faced love is an element and, indeed, guaranteed presence in the future and not just a stuffed bird s1 is worshiping a la ‘Simple Soul’ in memoriam of better days.  There’s another saying if Christ came back today they wouldn’t crucify Him but invite to dinner-party and make fun.

Questions like did Putin really see 9.11 coming and now I think was Yeltsin ever even in charge at all or was it absolute destiny and has the FSB basically been using air itself, Spirit, ‘Stargate Program’ (CIA telepaths) to make this planet almost like ‘Solaris’ - ‘evolve twd generalization’ - I remember once comparing Minju to Solaris but I wasn’t even joking and just wish I knew what would happen next..  I know one thing which is it feels futile like the guy in the Packers hoodie to be buying all the Catholic schoolgirl ‘Whores on the Hill’-type novels at GW and throwing them out.  It was supposed to be such a bright time!

I feel awful b/c many years ago I realized wasting a day is evil - supposed anti-Christ Darwin said if you waste 5 minutes you don’t know God - but today?  I just ish s1 burns the right books at the right time and that s1 is made to understand why even if they keep this quiet for most ppl.  Makes me rem. ‘Stupid in Love’ somehow but I’m not sure why.  Want / dream of a day when the collective verdict if any is approximating, ‘David J used to say things like _ _.’  Like how George Amberson is constantly saying, ‘riffraff!’ - his liberal education doesn’t help him himself to know himself.

Male nurse or so likes Chinese ‘leng’ / wolf; talks about Tibet; I say how I used to like ‘grace’ and ‘patience’ but I feel as if it doesn’t matter what I say.  Crux of apologetics is the Resurrection but what appears authentic to the individual in an omni-various society and in which the importance of background is transparent to any skeptic ppl are like, ‘What can it do for me’ but IDK b/c I am saying kill your darlings, what is Tibet, what is a wolf, ‘Born in to this world / what is reflected in your eyes.’  They have this look - cosmic?  Or are they just looking for a ‘new beauty?’

[paraclete0407]

I keep coming back to the Deputy Secretary of State and Harry Potter girl at the UN - horrendously, achingly upset and it’s CORPORATISM.  People really don’t get it; Ban Ki Moon didn’t get it - ‘magic Oreo.’  Mom says this too and it’s literal ‘bye bye little guy’ ~ abortionism.

I rem. PathGuy giving advice and analyzing King Lear.  Be known as the kid that works too hard in HS - valedictorian from my 1st year was sleeping in his car in the student lot.  And if something happens or is said to ‘beg a question,’ pretend your parents love you.  

Michael Gerson w/ ‘Heroic Conservatism’ ~ his mistake was ‘soft.’  It went all over; GWB is different today however, I wish he’d run again, I wish Jessica would go back to SNSD, don’t know why or whether the new world will be more whole or more disintegrated or whether ppl will be more or less iterested in their neighbors (I made up ‘contractionism’)  ‘Padre’ at St. Roberts was at Pontifical University of Rome saying ‘the Spirit s space’ and Eugene Peterson also argues that Christianity makes the world spacious.  

Everyone is tired of ‘spaces’ and how accelerationism or postmodernism ripped and raped their way through traditional forms and wants to go back to simple ‘places’ or I don’t know.  Microsoft’s CEO worked really hard in grad school and now wants a subscription-model to expropriate and also to say ‘Time’s up’ all the time.  If I could leave Milwaukee / America / Babylon I would be reverently and solemnly grateful for a peregrine lifestyle riding the bus but maybe it’s fake mobility for some or freedom to walk in to another trap.  Films o one talks of like ‘Xiu Xiu’ which like w/ Semisonic Anglo-Americans fucked up or ‘botched’ or ‘bungled’ in the Chekhovian sense (IDK Russian) or just stole to make bullshit Millennial horseshit - ‘Xiu Xiu’ another protest that the CCP I guess banned b/c the CCP thought it is anti-CCP but I, and perhaps St. Augustine, would ban b/c it turned out that in ‘hyper-acceleration’ 2021 CCP criticism are actually omni-Mao CCP wet-dreams and ppl want that & there again where is anything new even being made?

[paraclete0407]

I hate writing like this... criticisms of everything and everyone.  Nietzsche has a direction, ‘To be nailed to an anti-Semite’s door.’  My whole life is like, ‘To be nailed to my family’s door, AAPI Twitter’s door.’  Immanuel Kant said a lot of racist stuff and, like many Enlightenment(?)(I don’t even remember or care), paleo-pseudo-post-Christian paleo-modern thinkers, tried to make some sense of men and women in an era and a place of plenty - that I know of - said the worst reproach for Woman is she is disgusting and for Man that he’s ridiculous.  In KR ‘pathetic’ is common although Blake and Frye are pretty determined to teach ev1 ‘pathetic’s not the same as ‘pitiful.’  I failed to endure to the end and my plan of simplifying my outward front so as to achieve understanding and contribute sth to (Noddings) ‘philosophy of education as a philosophy of life’ or (Spengler) ‘philosophy of history as a philosophy of life’ seem to have fallen off a cliff and now what did I loose, how many pedophiles and predators went to KR b/c I said ‘women so resplendent I’m colliding with inanimate objects,’ energy-systems-management, and there again I just hope s1 can burn my old blogging and maybe Good Will just go out of business b/c they sell anything and everything.  I used to feel at home in hospital and libraries feelings ‘this is my little culture’ but I don’t like being nihilistic or defeatist!

[paraclete0407]

When I was at Governor’s School after the ‘Oh! Are you a Retardican?’ thing and getting volleyball-smashed in my finger for implying something about male-female differences (I did not say ‘traditional’ since I am pro-renovation / Pope Saint John Paul II) - started practicing the piano again, ‘Claire de Lune’ and two of Chopin’s waltzes. I didn’t know any ‘sweet’ music for girls.  As a kid I liked ‘Swans on the Lake.’  One of my other favorites is Liszt’s transcription of the ‘Shepherd’s Song’ or last movement of Beethoven’s fourth symphony.  Weavings and ‘declamations(?’).  But to some the weavings are flower-garlands or vine-stems or sth and to some they are chains; I wonder how Arturo Benedetti Michelangeli would interpret the weavings given his ‘bulletization’ of Chopin elsewhere how his fioritura are like a figure-skater using gravity-boots and wires from the ceiling. 

Watched a bit of the Int. Chop. Comp just now and realized - IMO - they’re just using the wrong pianos and have for a long time.  Chopin started out IIRC with sth called a fortepiano and throughout his life preferred uprights to grands; his favorite brand was Pleyel, perhaps ‘rosewood.’  Some of these heavier grands not only obviate the possibility of the miraculous or intuitive or non-personal(?) in the fioritura (chains of gracenotes), but can cause lasting nerve-damage and even dystonia(?)(a kind of paralysis).  NYT of course loves to use STEM and call everything ‘small muscle athletes.’  To achieve certain ‘pellucid(?),’ singing effect the triceps sth sth I think.  To me perhaps the most totally realized pianist of 20C was Uchida Mitsuko but honesty I don’t have the money to know or the time to listen to hundreds of records.  I just felt as though she never threw a note away - she had no ‘personality cult’ as a pianist.  The other I admire from an ethical standpoint Wilhelm Kempff.  Kempff could’ve been a ‘gr8′ Headmaster.  

Milstein, Furtwaengler.  Heifetz as obviously gifted but IDK if I ever felt ‘wow’ or ‘oh’ listening to him.  Milstein’s ‘Chaconne’ starts to rip the chains and weavings both apart; like Bach is attacking his math or rebelling against God.  

I never studied conducting but surely one of the problem has to be giving the violins a ‘true voice’ which Furtwaengler is able to do in ‘Shepherd’s Song’ along with the flutes.  Orchestras need many violins and only a few trumpets ad trombones and on, but even with many the violin section can lack a ‘will to live(?),’ ‘identity,’ ‘face?’  There is a ‘bright’ at the end of his ‘Shepherd’s Song’ - literal ecstasy which IDK how he was able to inspire either the violinists or to get the other sections to back off.  In America there are all these jokes and during choir break they’re playing Mario-songs on the piano.

If you lose everything that was special about you at the end of your life were you ever truly doing what you enacted or acted out?  What was my most specific trait?  Was it ultimately snobbery?  

Lately I want to punch through doors and stuff.  Maybe I ought to go back to the night at the department store with person and person; downtown Milwaukee used to have a ‘certain shade of blue’ to their Christmas-lights in 2008 but today the whole city that I can tell drank warm Burger King milk before singing ‘Deck the Halls’ and it shows.  Like everyone I love ‘The Carol’ and sometimes tell myself 3-gen’s ‘Hail Mary(?)’ moment was ‘Wish Tree.’

At the hagwon I was known for leaving the side-office at the right moment ater telling a joke but it’s really easy to be like that and in the land of lemmings and Ewoks that’s all some people want like 55-year-old male nurse when I criticize him for railroading me - not giving me 1 minute to make a life-crucial decision -he comes at me with my own ‘executive style’ like, ‘How you like me now oppa?’  Like DROP FUCKING DEAD.  I try to make them crisp and considerate but they don’t get that procedure and style have human consequences - that they belong to an organization that impacts lives.  Just banging on their drum... no ‘chain of care,’ no ‘ownership.’  Lt’s just Thatcherize all of Wisconsin!  They actually kill people this way and Biden says social media is killing people.  I wasn’t asking you for peanuts or a glass of OJ I am asking to be allowed to consider my own body, psyche, soul.

And it’s like all of America or the world, Jiang Zemin.  TS 1989 they ask for democracy and not only can CCP not say ‘no’ but they have no process or plan; I don’t even know.  It’s like your pussy bitch father finally tried to an up - a bit like ‘Anna Karenina’ where the husband starts quoting the Bible but who knows what is in his heart or whether he has any [nunchi?]; whether say he LIKES Christianity or would feel sad or disappointed if he lost it? 

CCP ccream at each other in a closed session for days.  I just tell myself again, ‘Oh XJP can’t quite control his own country and Mao was a blunt-force instrument and the remains of his heyday are being mitigated even still’ but in America and Europe they’ve never seen full-blown Maoism even in the times of Hitler and Stalin, that I know of.  Maybe in China after TS1989 they still let the pro-youth cadre live for decades under house-arrest, Zhao Ziyang, and maybe ‘e-flowers’ on the occasion of his passing for ‘a vanished world of love’ - ‘I am thinking of my old friend, ‘zi(?).’  I was fond of Tu Fu’s ‘Thinking of Li Bai Beyond the Sky,’ ‘Demons exult in human failure’ - but I mean literal demons not fairy-tale characters from Amy Tan stories that Chinese use to seem loveable.  And that too there again feeds in to ‘Op. White Summer’ / nuke Milwaukee / uke America.  

David  has a sense of evil like when driving to DC with TW-1 we got lost in Fredericksburg at night - never again.  Outside Madison 08.  Maybe bairen didn’t manage the environment here well, there is no real wilderness, everything is ’revolving in crystal’ or ‘the glass man, without external reference.’

I would look around for n/Nature more but the pervasive disbelief-engine or anti-belief-engine or whatever is happening t me with debates over the past has made it hard to drive and I lose energy quickly except with typing.  I miss my gifted student whom I tried to push to write her sci-fi novel about caste societies enabled by biotechnology but she was already pulling a Catherine Chung(?) talking about children and the coming generation instead of accomplishing the proximate mission or purpose or objective.  My uncle is /was really devout and resembles Saint Paul in my mind’s eye, kept his muscles in to his 90′s, and yet the transmission of his best values encountered massive interference - kids divorced, Spice Girls(?!), cultural Christianity / Christian nationalism(?), CS Lewis and Martin Luther saying it’s cool to tell sick jokes and fart, the jocular contempt of the Gingrich-era GOP for the poor and perhaps women.  And how most of my family’s money seemed to come from the arms-industry like the Sidewinder missile and eve after walking away from the mil-ind complex the mentality of massive retaliation or lethal and punitive solutions to all problems - but that is a a big intuitive leap and maybe self-serving.

One of the ‘split’ moments in my life was being offered a job at Catholic University of Daegu ad I requested 3 days to decide but was woken up in the morning at UncleHammer’s house told to leave immediately and forgot to reply b/c I had like 1hr sleep.  Just shouldn’t’ve been there.

This again why I say if I don’t die from coronavirus and ever work a good job again I should just talk out any problem all night or bear any burden; 10 billion people all wanna good job and ever 36-y/o male has stories and observations.  

‘Heaven and Earth.’  People tried so hard to make this world a little better, some theory of r/Revolution as bringing Heaven down to Earth and maybe now Man will go  out to the stars as well.

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HK-1 wore a borrowed wedding-dress to senior prom; I didn’t understand why until now.  I was about to say, ‘HK-1′s problem was not expressing herself honestly or being able to compose and/or produce speech-acts in paragraphs.’  Actually her problem was not saying no!  IDK what  I wanted either.

Teenagers are naturally loving or so it appears - they like being around each other.  They don’t need to sleep as much, sometimes.

I remember reading Free Food for Millionaires in which Eunyoung’s first wife’s first love tells her, ‘I’m just gonna wait for you forever.’  Presbyterian-0 I didn’t want to talk to ‘cause I just somehow knew this girl has a father; I didn’t think he was ‘shotgun dad’ but just someone asking questions I can’t answer.  I’m not against her at all or trying to break the patriarchy, just feel outside the circle or wall. 

Today Korea’s under siege it seems.  I remember in 2010 meeting a guy on a bridge, walking around in long sleeves in the summer, tea drink.  ‘That must be what her dad’s like.’  Totally is, wiry, those hands, smile- or laugh-lines.  

HK-1 taught for a long time at Kumon in Livingston and said ‘Korean culture’s the pits.’  

At the end of The Remains of the Day the butler who failed at a love starts to talk with a bunch of [British word approximating German ‘kleinementschen’ and/or US ‘ordinary people’].  Kazuo Ishiguro in his Nobel lecture talked about CRISPR and stuff; like me he admires South of the Border West of the Sun which I now feel could almost be the story of the 20th century, or the story of people like me, who half-or-more cheat their way through life while carrying a torch or the conviction that they are protecting someone; or upholding some ideal if not transcendent authenticity.  Hajime is also sensitive to Liszt music which I am not though I am fond of several versions of ‘Widmung’ or ‘Dedication,’ even if the lyric is clearly German Romanticism I can’t agree with.  

I guess I was sad a while back to imagine that childbirth would be separated from couple-love and marriage and sex but OTOH you can use gene-tech to get rid of all kinds of birth-defects.

And to feel as life while KR is under siege with a curfew America not only let the Trojan Horse in long ago but can’t stop bowing down or opening their mouths to drink the poison - saying stuff like that is ‘French lit,’ S-hai-1 was fond of Idiocracy in which at last two average people who held on are the smartest people but that’s ‘American lit; the triumph of Mr. Average.’  I wish I knew where that were going; Friedman said something; Obama went to KR and either thought or appeared or claimed to think something; I read a bit of Little Soldiers. maybe this is evil to say but it’s like Snoop atop the horse and helicopter-blades are spraying poison all over everyone, maybe the soundtrack is ‘7 Rings.’  I can barely sleep and have strange dreams about riding in the backs of the cars in the dark with headlights, angry celebrities who died - am I even that mad?  

I listened to ‘I Need Thee Ev’ry Hour’ and wondered whether rather than ‘join the conversation’ for me I should just keep my virtue to myself.  I took pains not to waste my life in past but the culture of life-wasting persists and there are many poetic and other images and sentiments and notions that support this.  

‘What if the butler just goes up the hill and calls on God b/c why should he become a story for random people at the bar?’  Why should anyone go to the bar?  I rem. in the ‘Summer of Trump’ was Pokemon Go s1 put up a sign saying, ‘Go to bar and reflect on your life.’  

I feel sad that I have to ‘close down my virtue’ but I shared my syntax, my words, my reading and it created monsters.  Maybe I just don’t know anything about good things

[paraclete0407]

Still feeling it’s Maoism, this war on the inner life

Maybe it’s for the sake of children

IDK if they know what it’s for the sake of

I guess I should log off for a long time

I’m starting to think about donating my life story to psychiatrics ` neighbors are like ‘David is dishonoring his parents and that’s that’ w/o asking me one question but maybe they’re right; [] said same thing - I try to get in her head but I don’t like getting in others’ heads either

believed this was my hour but maybe not 

i wish i could delete this and forget for a while

in korea there appears to be a curfew

[paraclete0407]

determined to have race-war, class-war, religious war, just are

maybe i’m wrong

‘a complicated story’ - i rem. this tumblr about the novel they would write; i wrote stuff but it’s niihilistic - i liked ‘the magnificent ambersons’ b/c george in the end manages to fulfill the promise seemingly implied or intimation in his attraction to lucy morgan but it has all kinds of problems and mis-readabilities as well and couldn’t teach today due to racist epithets

‘bone, rope, cope, cope’ - i love mary hk choi’s ‘yolk’ and thought about bone, immigrants with dreams, gangsters and stuff and people’s ‘copium’ but i can’t stop coping either; think that writing was coping from the beginning.  how to solve my own problems?  

i think my parents want to marry me, i am their _ _ _; i am their ‘manifestation of christ.’ cope, cope, cope.  everyone’ writing their ex all the time and going on pilgrimages to meet dying friends.  maybe i should go from shelter to shelter.  

i guess i’m telling ghost-stories now.  i remember something about unloving hearts, emotions.

‘and it was as if all of [city] and [all my people] were looking for...’

‘do you recognize me?’  

it is still this world and i felt as though the whole point of covid was that people would stop being their old selves but i don’t even know the safest place around here - people will start dying, everyone on bypass

i was laying in bed remembering a song ‘the great divide’ - ‘if i could i might send my love on a plane-ride, black cross over a million pines’ - semisonic’s problem was that they roll their eyes at themselves = failure-machine, poetry

i would like to be quiet for a while but now people just want poetry too 

[paraclete0407]

Was going to say sth about Confucius and people covering or screening each other or not and how there’s uprightness in either way but just [separation of Godly and worldly]

[paraclete0407]

Bored, darkhearted...

‘Love means bypassing political arguments, taking up weightlifting and refraining from masturbation’ ~ ‘no it’s never been better.’  Just watch out b/c if you like s1 s1 else will like you and {seem, seem, seem} to make it worth your while.

‘Come over the hill(s?)’ ~ does anyone get that ‘Angel and Hannah’ is like a ‘Red Is the Rose’ thinking it’s ‘Song of Songs’ or something.  At the end of SentEd Marie says, ‘We have loved each other well.’  It infuriates me a bit; I remember [LitGirl]; I remember wanting to write for money about Chopin and George Sand but literally that’s not a good relationship and women mastering men as well as consuming them appears to be the ultimate female fantasy up to and including child-eating.  

I don’t want to be this way at all.  ‘Secret love.’  

I remember f(x)’s ‘Paper Heart’... I associated this song with Avril Lavigne but it’s not really; is this just the weakness of the human condition?  

I remember reading Life and Fate about Stalingrad - I wrote some horrible poem once - rem. reading about the Allied advance up through Italy in WW2 and the women

Maybe it’s a bad generation or I’m really bad; I remember all my friends giving hints about water and AI and again it’s ‘the condition of fiction’ or so; I want to know are they happy or still hoarding memories; and/or to what extent is making memories like Montaigne saying that life’s work is to build death?  Dempsey is saying that leadership consists in giving people memories but I feel that they are looking for someone.  It’s a Christ-haunted culture; Marx-haunted culture.  The other day I posited that at least until recently NK was KIS-haunted and people really couldn’t see, were almost literally blind after 1994.  I had hysterical blindness in 2016 and my co-worker in KR at some point too.  

Some people will turn all this in to pornography or they’ll read Kokoro and then do medical writing anyway which is like [charitable stuff that Francis Chan would say].  I wonder whether Tizzard understands how Thae Yongho is trying to be Japanese which amounts to advancing a culture of despair and non-agency (to my mind dept. of can’t-be-helped), taking elliptically.  Japanese, Chinese, Korean reasoning, language can overlap and if you read the lit. of different languages your mind can sometimes fail to hold a certain shape consistently or someone will even try to bang your mind from one shape to another.  I rem. the department head of Mandarin that I sadly nicknamed ‘Lady Death,’ this mantis-like individual whose social self-consciousness / pageantry-identity-engine probably came from [Kevin Kwan] and ev1 wanting me to talk Mandarin but I think that thre is a very pure potential form of Korean whether it is masculine or feminine or [].  Was very excited over the English of Last Exiles but maybe I should never talk about ‘stylistics’ because that too makes women mentally ill - ‘educated-stupid girls worship word god’ - and also because maybe lit. is about miraculous visions and characters that come to you.  I was excited because I felt as if Ann Shin had spiritualized what is usually a narrative of either pure evil or rebel-kiddies; it reminded me of Pilgrim’s Progress about escaping from evil in to life.  

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NKS mental illness and hilarious (Victorian sense) Korean reactions to learning abt their own people ~ maybe people not realizing England was and is anti-child and anti-poor very often as is America which is part of what gave Marx such heavy ammunition in Kapital

I feel traumatized and very weak - ‘If you’re poor the world won’t do business with you’ (Timothy Keller)

I remembered [] and realized her point of view to an extent; I felt something very beautiful and [dark red?] as I lay in bed but then she’s helped all kinds of people.  

I feel as though everyone has given up on everyone

‘I need thee every hour’

‘Women I have known’ - the novel I still hope not to write

[paraclete0407]

Donating my books but feeling awful b/c all these books are like ‘Come on let’s die.’  I thought I was good enough to study the beautiful and damned but then too wanted to exploit people.  Literature for the last 200+ years was basically ‘Evangelical sexual awakening narratives.’  ‘Excuse me do you have a moment to talk about fathers buying sex-toys and pornography for their daughters and abortion-celebration-parties?’  And then too the really spiritual stuff is still electrochemical weapons.  I had this curriculum-idea about writing and freedom, Peterson has life-authoring which I might try except I’ve already written everything - wanted to be everything.  I wanted to apply to Kumon Mequon but they are all the ‘rising stars’ and all I know is turnabouts and ironies and people who decide the best things you have ever felt or whatever you’d belived made you special actually made you p-zzed.  ‘Steven Wallace?’  ‘You use a lot of hard words’ ~ so did Bill Buckley but at least I never defended Jim Crow.  And NR are still ‘standing ground’.’  WAHHH CRT nothing.  Xtian Twitter is coming after 2 of the most radical excellent pastors David Platt and John Piper - the latter one of the most convictedly erudite men I have seen b/c they do not even get stuff about other nations.  They’re fighting Marxism and Harold Bloom said ‘History is Satan.’  CCP has ‘scientific atheism’ and I literally want to know in their AI and their bioweapons how many fallen angels are dancing around?  I’ve never seen murder-porn or whatever with babies but I saw a lot of porn it’s y worst thing; I realized finally, ‘These types of act are asking to die or seeing how bad the viewer can get.’  This is like fentanyl or vodka-blindness - it only takes one go.  In UK 50 Shades was getting men to kill their girlfriends in bed - this is press-freedom, this is Milton’s ‘Areopagitica,’ Anglo-American procedural constitutional democracy and ‘liberty.’  I just wanna go up to Spalding ad even Yeonmi Park and everyone and be like ‘Liberte to commit suicide; egalite for the included; fraternite for either liars of the most hidde poor-in-spirit.’  I didn’t want to think about Milton b/c he was beating the drum to mass-slaughter Irish and I am one of those who feels at times stuff like a) cannot kill king Cromwell IDK b) AmRev IDK.  What if they sued for separation like Canada then abolished slavery without this war; what if America built a civil service for American Indians instead of marching them in to the desert?  They say British civil servants could pick up a language in .5 years and would remain on one posting for like 30 years... I talked a bit with [gone] abt Microsoft’s ‘territory capture blitzkrieg’ MO or I am not sure how to describe but slightly resembles a Red Army plan or invading Western Europe w/ conventional forces like motorcycles just to stab them up everywhere

I kept wanting to make a novel for my generation that begins with the epigram, ‘These external regions, what do we fill them with except reflections, th escapades of death, Cinderella fulfilling herself...’  ‘Climates’ by Andre Maurois always made me think of [student]; the character of Odile, flower in room, saddest river - except I KNOW that Korean women now are not like French women then or American girls or Victorian American Austen characters...  I am totally beginning to feel as if most people want things to get worse and just scrolling down Sec. Blinken Twitter makes me crumple and cry IDK how to characterize.  The novel is perhaps unteachable or relating to it throughout life is a matter of faith and the conduct of your own life to find out whether you grow in understanding of it or not.  Maurois said men who obsess or fixate become brutal and over time one’s tenderness can wane; I keep coming back to ‘Flowers 1881.’  That is why I lately I started to get perhaps pathologically or fatally dragged in to male self-consciousness like the priest, the father, the teacher, even the son, the communicator.  I love ‘Beautiful in White’ o/c ad even think that to the layman or maiden it more useful than ‘Canon’ since it expresses the ‘finality’ of marriage and the fact that it is a way of one’s exiting experience or personal life-narrative and entering Time but then that too is ‘top shelf’ and I have no personal recollection of ever looking through a woman or trying to ‘compile’ what her offspring would look like.  Like Twice’s ‘Fancy’ but then there is Edgar saying, ‘of our pleasant vice instruments to plague us.’  Is it just an expression of want?  I keep firing off stuff like ‘invest in your daughter b/c she will love you’ which is sth Chinese figured out over the past couple decades but I go like I just created another instrumentalism-monster trying to give the advice of this world and were entering an era of general corporal punishment and rod of iron and maybe it all really is b/c of people like me who set out to be slightly unfair, not b/c of belief in systemic unfairness and quietistically neglecting a decaying social order but just b/c you ‘prioritize’ a certain way and try to ‘bypass’ one person to help another more.

People are so impressionable and many can’t wait to make off rom the general classroom to the library or home w/ whatever special volume or inner life and what else is there for some people.  Proust and adolescent reading but there I just want to go to Chon Pong Gon and maybe God willing in future kids will live by the Spirit and the best things but can someone please do something about the mentality that said let us sell any idea or imagination to anyone?

[paraclete0407]

I’m reading OT (Deuteronomy), considering race-wars, ‘international relations,’ commerce, family trees.  I am sad to think of all these giant-bones in Mexico and what-not, ‘dinosaur’-bones, outer space, the center of the Earth, magnetic field generated by iron core or something - I wish I never learned these things or ‘Chinese way of war’ or a bunch of word-roots or how F-4 Phantom Vietnam-era aircraft would try to evade SAM’s; I wish that I knew good things as well as the destined interactions of different races.  All I care about is reaching this distant Other and if I will have failed or become irrelevant in this I could almost say that I have a death-wish which is life-affirming although I have not decided to caper or act like a zombie.  The slowing of the tempo in Milwaukee makes me think of something I read about (Pres.) Jimmy Carter’s childhood in which his little town closed businesses early so that people could get home [sigh]; maybe I should play piano.  The world is sad.  Let us turn away from neighbor, friend.  Don’t call your mom.  I see the girl at H-mart, ‘Someone To Love,’ ex-Marine, ust get married, pass on seed before WW3.  Me too; the main character gets stoned in ‘Cheonan Sky’ I get the electric chair and no one gets me, like ‘The Executioner’s Song.’  It is like ‘illicit love.’

I had these dreams of women in a certain shade of clothing; I read ESV always opening to pages about brides, then this morning about how Jesus appears to be born with no protection or armor or walls or bodyguards.  The little people close to the heart of Jesus live in this killzone; who will bring gifts of honor?  Where?  I feel like I’m trapped i Studs Terkel aul Bellow Walt Whitman; I lost my ‘political vision.’  I just see idolators(?).  ‘Want.’  

Thou makest me... winding river, the gently turning guitar like laundry; I had this dream; I hate ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ for an army group of reasons but the director as well as Ang Lee films and his ‘cinematographer’ have a great sense of the cleaning of things and the scene in which SAyuri does the wash in the cold mountain river means something though IDK whether CW2 or WW3 brings out the best in everyone; with some people it just ‘cooks off’ whatever munitions are loaded in their magazine; when the piece gets hot all the bullets just pop pop pop.  Ppl everywhere with fireworks.  I had felt it was all Acts for a while or that my Black eighbors ould be promenading well-dressed outside, ‘Let u take back the Earth; let’s be together.’  I had FDR dreams of JRBJr. ‘bind up the nation’s wounds.’  It feels like flesh-fair demolition-derby Lords of Misrule - people are really educated by movies and here I go again from praying for the deliverance of the pure in heart and theirs to being Chris Hedges who is like, ‘Let’s make the stupid and depraved just incrementally less so to make the world more comfortable’  Before UBreakiFix decided to go on paid strike against my SS-9 I was writing about the Whitefish Bay PD since I like their old chief but is anyone holding any line?  

I used to be that person in the 1990s who loved action-movies if only because heroic knightly violence appeared cleaner than [AfAm pop-cult / self-keep-down-religion / Mao-subterranean-submarine revenge-machine against America].  Like, hopefully there is just a bad guy.  Marcus Aurelius said if you find something better than a decent ordinary life or sth the sell all you have to buy that field which is what I tried to do with S’hai-1 but I was just 14-15 and before and after that the thing I liked was ‘moral clarity’ and ‘being right.’  In retrospect the Platonic ‘no to evil’ but then I do all kids of things; I started to believe in assassination like many do but IDK now, it seems like everyone is insecure... I feel like everyone is powerless now and those who do have power use it as an entertainment or I don’t even know.  Put in mind of the final scene of ‘King Lear’ where he just lost his treasure-daughter and he’s chuckling to himself about how great he was at fighting - ‘biting falchion make ‘em skip.’  Then turns to Cordelia, this ‘eclait(?)’ of what I can only take to be a theophany or augury of Resurrection or the world to come, massive shutdown.  Korea-dad from the lesbian rock-climber memoir, why do you play so much soccer then smash wifey?      

 I want to be the President of Russia... writing future history.  Everyone loves Paganini Variation 18, the composer said it’s for his agent, his pay-pig number.  To me it is kind of, the limits of male care or male capacity to form another.  Looking at a infant in bed or a sleeping kitten and not disturbing.  The Russians have left Milwaukee that I can tell; ‘Ton’ fixed my favorite Korean leather messenger-bag which was the simplest one.  It was a long time ago.  I remember reading in the NYRB about Biden as the ‘designated mourner’ for an era of dashed hopes and missed chances but now I feel he’s just tossing out reactions.  ‘Social media’s killing people’ - yeah, and the Gutenberg press, and language, and giving female children names instead of numbers.  He’ll say anything and it just makes me rage against myself for the times I would say shit.  WH Auden said that men’s problem is sometimes uttering ‘aesthetic’ utterances for the sake of aesthetics.  My parents are still sure they re Trump-o-caust-survivors and all our woes came from Trump - IDK if that’s eventually gonna turn out to be the case but HRC was a pedo-protector, typical Chinese First Wife (like ‘Raise The Red Lantern’ I’m goddess and other women I empathize with smash), deplorables, not reading complete document, napping.  UKPM May   I guess in retrospect Trump’s problem was just assessing everyone at eye-level but not arranging or processing deeper more thorough or purpose-targeted tests.  But that’s America!  How is Gen. Mattis in love with the Constitution; it seems to me like at this point like the steps of some complicated dance, it’s Kafka’s Gates of the Law, it’s ‘playing the game.’  20,000 SF on motorcycles and it’s over; a whole new mazurka - not ‘rough justice’ or ‘lex talionis’ but ‘trust righteous Judgment.’  Who is still trying to govern?  2nd Amendment?  Militia?  Everyone in America thinks they’re a militia from YAL and ‘Red Dawn’ and my AP Euro talking about the common man ‘it’s gonna go nuclur’ [if we don’t sif out Kim Jong Il’s hiding-place in Tikrit]. Self-incrimination?  My greatest regret is becoming associated with this civilizational meme-machine instead of doing everything from my own hands... Just believe everything!  Step out and don’t step back ppl are like, ‘Excuse me have you seen my past?’  People ere mad about the America middle class Dream fading but now maybe it’s just me but like what  When did I go ‘hyper moron’ or beyond my own appointed fate, I want to walk by the water.  ‘I Need Thee Ev’ry Hour.’ 

For a long time I was taken with ‘The Gift of the Magi,’ I like stories in which people ed up giving too much and broken people who come together; IDK why I had a dream of happiness a few times and then started thinking about dreams of homecoming.  I lost my brother first when he burned this girl then I feel I made him clinically depressed by something evil I did long ago, when as some people do I had a preference about burial-location, that I don’t quit feel anymore.

[paraclete0407]

All My ‘Songfics’

‘Clover’ - I realized could be said or ambiguous as it’s a principle or precept without a world I’ve seen lately in which to instantiate

‘Variation 19′ - More of my unending fascination how I play Bach to mind-dive or quasi - I don’t like it.  Like dancing by a Christmas tree, upper arm hold.  I am no longer sure that this is what humans are meant to do at all in their lives or any kind of beauty.

‘Even the Lamplight’ - I feel this is a place which no longer exists; and I don’t know what I was advertising for when I never believed either I or a reader would ever be moved to find that place or live that day or evening.  The piano-version I liked repeats a four-note figure that is like a polite if common message and then develops in a way that Kyungsook Shin developed more in her ‘Sentimental Education Lite’ or ‘Sentimental Education for People Who Siiill Want To Live Beyond Books,’ talking of which lost me a friend.  I was forever telling friends to stay away from politics, ‘group-life.’  My brother athlete, courted by Mormons, Marines.  Later he worked at a charter school which I encouraged him during the Great Recession not to give up job-hunting by saying ‘I think I’m gonna be a doctor d/c I saw my hoodie’s white cuffs.’  Before going to KR in 2010 I linked him a job to a company that IDK if they do good work but if I were a Russia, North Korean etc. hacker I might both black-hat and white-hat.  (Not hate-speech or incitement, by Tumblr standards).  

‘The Coalminer’s Wife’ ~ ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that college-girls in America are in search of a husband or any guy that can protect and provide, post-haste.  When [] was 14 the lady at the department-store bewitched her with the wish-seed that if she wore this coal-black unisex dress-shirt on her first day at [] then she would meet her future and perhaps forever bridegroom.  What she didn’t realize what that aspiring writers and particularly those who have the masculine malice-competence with which to “make it” are extremely dextrous Native-American-thorough devourers of submissive women.’  I realize this is literal schizophrenia as the writer is making his girlfriend work till she goes blind and collapses but the real ‘David J’ is dazed, haunted perhaps traumatized in the etymological sense of “dream.”  I don’t like t talk about psychoanalysis but i was like a permanent present in 2016.  I tried to improve this but feel now it was a ‘Millennial heartcry.’  The protagonist keeps coming back to the phrase, ‘Why am I so dumb?’  It doesn’t make sense now  because the writer is cannibalizing her but the real me is like, ‘suicide-pact pastoral’ but it’s not a suicide-pact either it’s just hiking and apple-picking; it’s ‘psalmic moral beauty.’  It is ‘Thou makest me to lie down.’  Today this invisible virus is everywhere as in past there was coal-dust or lethal fog.  How much does life have to stop to protect life?  I feel it will become a siege, or could.

I reall feel like it’s ‘Schindler’s List’ music time.. Am I unworthy to discuss Christology?  

[paraclete0407]

I feel I have done little but to attack the Christians right and left who actually looked out for my body as well as spirit and kept me company when no one would and inspired me not to lust or get in political arguments or strain every muscle-fiber and sweat every drop to displace an immoveable object and for their trouble I am basically mad at them for what they have that I don’t - your wife, your muscles, your training, your past, your firm footing in life, where you’re going.  I just lack passion and affection and neighbors / friends and more passion, try to be ‘technical’ about everything, preaching about good relationships and sacrificial generosity.  I read ‘The Meaning of Marriage’ and realized that husband and wife could be one flesh - it clicked - but IDK why I tried to share this.

All these novel-ideas and I like to set up sentiments and situations but then too I feel as if Korea is practically my only reality - a if, like I said on my last night, ‘This is the first thing I gained’ - and now the present absence or distance is the ‘operative condition’ of my life or the ‘keynote.’  I also realize now that I fell in to the Millennial / Miles Klee (in past) habit of sophisticated coastal elites writing evocations of ‘wholesome’ Midwesterners or Southerners, with the implication being that they will sooner or later become - to take a short leap of intuition - media, or, education.  I guess Kent Haruf is all about this where the characters are defined by adultery or trying to play the white knight or I had a thought of ‘Teacher Dream’ where all these utility clerks pushing in carts and I felt glad at first to remark to myself I am carrying multitudes of learning but then felt sad I wasn’t doing anything much but muse about what I used to be.  I got in the habit of trying to open bout my personal story / narrative concerning Christian belief but now some people won’t even stay on the phone if I mention NK and play games about anything.  Am I a drug pusher?  I wasn’t even asking for money, just expanding on my interest as the other person had expanded.

I don’t thik it’s not even a big deal - Milwaukee could get nuked or attacked by neo-Nazi’s with bombs and assault weapons with all these mixed-race marriages and adoptions and I know for a fact Wisc’s got neo-Nazis all over.  Nuclear war!  Not a lot of manufacturing left in some areas or farmland, just old buildings and human souls.  Everyone was starting to believe that C-19 was over but then Delta and I started to remember everything from ‘16 and how my spirit wants to drive as fast as possible around be prepared for welcome our angelic invaders / victors (literally); I felt as if the heavenly military have hair-triggers and just open fire if they see sth they don’t like.  

I had tried to elevate my understanding of the Midwestern soul or the customary ‘course of life’ in terms of male self-consciousness or expectations-versus-outcome which in retrospect was not as comprehensively smart as I had liked to believe but only beautiful and pleasing to the intellect.  My ideas about the Midwestern novel helped make me a friend but in retrospect I don’t know why I even tried to get in to the genre when my whole image of life is here just somehow being and/or being with Koreans.  

I feel sometimes as if I don’t really know anyone and for a long time my main character has been some clone or graft of my brother.  I’ve lost my standards.  I just look at all the world going by.  Maybe I ought to just pray and write poems for a while since I have a sense of what is going on or at least what I hope will soon be happening.

I keep reading books too and I bought up all the books I could then got rid of them.  

I had been living in a case of ‘eventually’ for years and didn’t realize the Covid ‘revolution’ or Delta would suddenly appear and I would be regarding ‘last things.’

I keep wondering whether I ought to talk about Korea or Asians at all.  It’s - they are - my one hit-you-up lapel-grab button-hole and tell tell tell.  In this time of wanting to give away one’s best I am like pine-tree, ‘far away and over there,’ beautiful and intense.  People back away from me.

I wonder whether everyone feels as confident as I do in their understanding of what’s going on right now in history - and whether it’s even useful or even acceptable to talk about it that way as it sounds like total Marxism.  Anyway I was talking about Satan and Judgment and I mean it 100% literally and I saw it and recognized and heard the word for it, ‘Judgment.’  I wonder whether Tolstoy in War and Peace was 100% confident in having the character label Napoleon anti-Christ and who’s the instantiation or manifestation of anti-Christ today if that is ‘dispensationally appropriate / valid.’  I read Coronavirus and Christ numerous times and feel it cannot be quite the last days but then since when does David J. Johnston not believe that he likes believing?  But sincerely and fully who’s out there saying anti-Christ stuff like oppressing religion?  I feel I’m only against false religions but then I go around being not very loving to anyone and only excuse myself - ‘an excuse is twice is a lie’ - by dint of that no one ever opens to me here.  [relationship is no].  Sleep on street in K-Town LA just if I’m in LA I want a projectile weapon.  

...Who’s the one saying everyone can be together today and religion is bad?  I almost feel it’s Anglo America with Christopher Hitchens (St. Theresa bad, alcohol good, nuke North Korean ‘dwarves,’ making special stipulations so that not only can he not live a believing life but ‘if I die and want God that’s not me’), Johnson acting like he understands everything; America(?).  I remember when I read the Obergefell opinion there was the phrase ‘love that lasts beyond life’ or something.  It made me think of stones in Egypt and stuff or the Middle East(?).  I wonder am I a terrible person just for having certain pure ideas?  People appear to look at me and go like, ‘Solzhenitsyn, Hobby Lobby,’ just attacking others’ values wile I’m really a misogynist casual rapist.  

I’m just trying to supply some narrative for why I came to crystallized convictions after years of studying and writing.  My friend said ‘pastors who study porn are disgusting’ which I agree with but then part of me is like there’s evil everywhere; someone’s gotta study war, pornography, weapons, fat people ~ but I see like no good; I see ‘image-aspirations’ and ‘identitkits.’  She wanted me to teach AmLit which I felt like it sends all kinds of confused messages that lead to disappointment and all of these Rutgers girls believed they were Jane Austen and that’s again why I say send your daughters to Bethlehem Seminary and just learn from OT NT faithful women b/c the rst are literal ‘Gossip Girl’ that I can tell or it’s just sad but I don’t wanna be Norman Mailer and attack the corporate cool girl - Generation Alpha’s rising and here I am coping, depressed they just wants sports-based instructional design.  They appear to want nothing or IDK; pressure their parents.  Am I just seeing the same narrative again about the MS cafeteria, the Lunchable someone has and I don’t and I am ‘special’ and feel ‘proud’ if not a ‘solemn pride’ that my mom gave me healthier foods but then believed I would get the big-ticket items we were saving up for - it’s ancient history but part of why I lost my mind and nearly my life in quest of a) personal glory or vindication that I’m not like others and b) ‘educational justice’ or ‘fairness’

I remember how when I first lived in South Korea I was reading St. Augustine partly because it is interesting and lovely and talks about the reading life and growing up, love-failure,’ parents’ weird maniacal greed and impatience to become grandparents, and incredible things about history and the heart and pedagogy and basically everything, which is why I feel as though ‘Confessions’ but also ‘City of God’ are covering the whole sky right now, people rediscovering the actual existence of sin, the violence of history (which some are lip-licking for), the ways in Time and in Eternity...

At that time I felt reading ‘Confessions’ and much else made me better than others or that ultimately I was not required to deal with some people or look at them that carefully nor wonder how they got to be the way they were as I could just stay with my books and have consolation and uplift.  I wanted to write my own ‘Midwestern novel’ with the title ‘And I Will Give You Rest’ and the topic of coping, basically or abandoning desires and ambitions.  My other novel ‘Commitment’ is going out the window I’m afraid since the desire or intention it reflects is rapidly coming up to me as reality.  On Grace to You the description of ‘rest’ included ‘lack of apprehension.’   I also felt that since my parents and younger brother appeared to be night-terminally obstructing my aspirations through unlawful backhanded means I would include my ‘confinement’ I might as well ‘mix in Eastern and Western characters’ and talk about the present world-situation but it’s still fiction at a terrible moment in Time and I sincerely feel that America and England are defending values and ideas that aren’t even really good for anyone.  Kindness and gentleness and rights and non-enslavement to the state and absence of a state religion such as in NK (from what I can tell), are excellent, but chauvinism, complacence, some aspects of procedural and parliamentary governance.  

I also remembered how at 27 and then 34 I’d fall asleep when I saw someone really beautiful.  One of these people made me feel lost without resources and the other gave me a notion of living love.

I feel as if my whole life is actually one story which circles around a dream I had in 2015 about birth but also involves this beauty of holding love; honestly I do not know why else I am still alive as I have contributed so little economically.