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paramoursoul · 2 years ago

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Monday, July 17

You know I came into work thinking like oh I can eat tuna today because we're not gonna have sex anymore, I've said this so many times before and its a very common thing for me to say so what's gonna make it different now?

Anyways I lost my head throughout the day because I offered head but he wanted sex.

I went to the meeting hoping he would too but that was dumb because he was already in his car 20 MINUTES WASTED GONE. I wanted to pretend like I got a phone call unfortunately I couldn't do it so I asked mash to call but she didn't and I didn't have the balls to just leave. (Now that I think about it I should've just went to the bathroom)

Boom. I'm in his car we drove a bit because I was confused then WE HAD SEX IN A PARKING LOT

Ohhhh ohhhh his voice his body. Earlier he said he wanted to use a condom but I waited to ask why (I thought it was because he had sex with someone else) he said no more plan b's its not healthy. PFFT I knew that I was getting worried that the girls he had sex with before were retard because of things he said. [Getting pregnant off precum, wearing panties to sleep, taking an plan b right after I already took one] his so experienced. physically at least. And I'm realizing I don't explain myself of things I really should its making me look dumb! Anyway we had a wonderful time! Sweaty gazing in each other eyes (sometimes >w>) I noticed he there was something wrong he didn't tell me until later. His answers at the time felt like an lie or an white lie but here's some things to note

ꕤ he doesn't like licking! Or biting?

ꕤthe THOUGHT of being caught

ꕤ pretty forgetful

There was something else but I forgot

But anyways I clipped my yellow star hairpin on him I shouldn't have said anything! But I wanted him to react to it in text! Later! But he found out before we left. it was a cute reaction and he clipped it back on. (I wonder for how long)

A bit later Oreo Lemons calls me over asking if I like soul since he "always" see us together and oooo I hate how I make it obvious.. and his little friend THAT CANT WORK FOR SHIT pointed out my hicky I didn't even FUCKING KNOW I HAD AHHHHHHH I was so scared because at first he asked if it was a bug bite and I immediately thought of soul. AHAHAHAHAHAHSHS I was sooo very happy about it until I had a flood of thoughts.

. All those girls he knows here are gonna see it as well and hate me even more!!

. did he just brand me!? Knowing him it's probably not BUT HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT IT WOULD HAVE DONE

. did anyone else see!? AHHHH

. what does this mean? He wants more of me? I mean he just suddenly asked for sex without acknowledging the last time we said it would be the last time.

. because of that ^ it was supposed to be like an see you soon, till we're ready kind of see you. But nooooo for what!?

. am I gonna get in trouble for this?!

Sigh. I ran away from that as fast as I could. The word is getting out faster than I would like...wait I didn't want it to get out at all! ♡‧₊˚(๑﹏๑) ♡‧₊˚ ughhhh I'm focusing so much on this and not my club duties!

I try getting back to work but then my new coworker comes up to me. They finally ask for help but! I couldn't find the item myself so instead I offered to find it for him then tell him where it was later. He was gone but came back later. I was happy he didn't just walk off! He came to me and ask me about more items and I was so excited to be helping but then he said the oh too common sentence

"Hey I got a question for you"

(OH NO PLEASE BE ABOUT WORK) hm?

Do you have a sibling?

(I heard him but I didn't understand and he thought he needed to ask again, well really I was going through my mind about past conversations about people looking like me. Then he said friend) oh yeah I have a friend!! There name is sta-

No no I mean do you have a brother

Huh? No? Why?

Well I just always see you with that boy

(AHHHHHHH ITS HAPPENING ALREADY IT HAS EVEN BEEN AN HOUR OR 30 MINUTES WHYYYYY) OH!no no he's my friend

Oh, also what's that on your neck

(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I SAW IT I SAW IT YOUR MOTIVES!! I KNEW IT YOU DIDNT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR JOB YOU JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF I WAS SINGLE) ໒꒰ྀི ꩜ ᯅ ꩜; ꒱ྀི১ (UGH my words failed me THEN I KEPT STUTTERING AND LOOKS AROUND)

Is that an Hickey?

( I fucking oh my fucking, I fucking freezed and just nobbed)

Then he kept asking question I couldn't remember but it was about the hickey so I just left. Sigh. That was. A . lot. Then soul cute obvious ass-

UGHHHHH AHHHHAHAHAHSHSHSHS

Breathe breathe.

Ugg. How can people be so casual about this!? TT

Then he asked when we would be moving in.

I'm was so surprised at his interest. At the end of the day boys open up to you once you have sex so that's not surprising but with soul? Come on dudeee..I thought you were the point. Later though I think two more people pointed it out. I just know they're gonna link us together and when that happens what will happen!? Is soul gonna keep being an hoe!? Are people gonna treat us differently? Oh gosh. This is a lot for me..

I'm okay though.

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paramoursoul · 2 years ago

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Friends?

wake up!!

Internal battles

External glory

are you the prince and I the dragon?

So easy to rest your bones.

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paramoursoul · 2 years ago

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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8RL5jrA/

I do really like him but I have also built him up in my head and it did seem really far away.

I'll try to summarize it the best I can.

its only been

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paramoursoul · 2 years ago

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You know what Soul said to me today?

I asked why he doesn't live stream games to me anymore

"Yeah I'm trying to focus on bettering myself"

UGHHHH ME TOO!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I've been really hard on myself but this is the most I've actually saved and I started doing stuff too! Soul.. You're so fun and inspirational.

I still have lots to tell but since I'm in bed I'm gonna recount my most favorite moment.

He invited me to his home and it was so relaxing!! I mean I wasn't scared or any negative emotion! A little little nervous but that's because he's so damn wonderful, I wanna be wonderful too! I thought,

"if I was wonderful too I would be ready for him"

BUT IM NOT so I felt bad. Anywhos it.

My mind was twirling so unfortunately I didn't put on psyche BUT I DID BUT ON What we do in the shadows, I couldn't stop laughing even thought I saw the whole episode probably twice before. He chuckled and had a few oh wows. At first I was a bit put off because he didn't laugh with me but then I remembered my humor is very different from average people and he's a very relaxed person. But when he does talk a lot its a lot. I love love love it.

Honestly during sex I was upset with myself and refused my body to ease up because I stop preparing for this. I really did prepare for nothing but look! He came through. When I opened up to him I tired to get on top but the dam bad was so soft I didn't have much control.. But his moan (´,,•﹃ •,,｀)

It was louder, I heard all if his pleasures. I was so fucking happy UGH

Then

Then. He whispered

" I love it when you cum, when your legs shake and you scream"

BOY I HAD THE BEST ORGASMING EVER

sigh..

After he cleaned me up he kept checking on my and tucking me in so tight even though we were cuddling then he repeatedly, I mean repeatedly wished me goodnight and to sleep well in T H E most loving voice I have ever heard.

I deadass just stared at him like this

my fat ass, ready to open my heart to him, ooooo I can't. I can't. Hold up...Wednesday needs to come now, in five minutes. Now.

He tucked me in.

Cuddle me.

Told me good night and sleep very well repeatedly.

This is fucking real. Its real.

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paramoursoul · 2 years ago

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So yesterday, July 12, 2023

It'll be the first time I would see soul in four days. He's one of those dry texters but he told me he prefer in person conversations so I still try not to over think it.

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paramoursoul · 2 years ago

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A faint clap of Thunder

HELLLLLLOOOOO TUMBLR ARE YOU READY TO ROCCK!??

hm? owo?

Oh right I have no tags for this.. and I don't need them! To whom ever finds my story by the tumblr algorithm god- Let it dazzle you with my current love complex, or rather MY PARAMOUR!!!

[Isn't that crazy? I just found out the meaning of the word and it describe my journey exactly!!!]

What does my life mean?

My name is Cecilia! An young adult that beat up my trauma, befriended it, and now I'm preparing to move out to become the person I've always wanted to be...A FUCKING MAGICAL GIRL!

So~ How the hell am I gonna do that? Move out of course. I'm about to be 24 in May and That's my year: The Year of the Dragon. You know how you have a core memory that probably shaped you as a person today? Well for me I turned that into a core form, like, when I was 12 that was a really big year for because I know that's when I started to be me so what's gonna happen when I turn 24? I'm already 23 and the best progress I've done was make people smile. That's not enough for me.. My goal in life is to live but how can I eat crab with root beer when the people who's working are unhappy which obviously leads them to destroying the planet. Cigarettes and littering you know? I can't let that happen. I LOVE EATING CRAB!! THE WORLD HAS TO FUNCTION IN ORDER TO KEEP LIVING. i may not be Martin Luther King Jr. and that's good because I actually like me! and it's good to be me because really good people die and I don't wanna die QwQ If the person I smile at today can feel my pure intentions then maybe that energy will make them pass it along! Then everyone will be happy and take life seriously! Yes.. Take life seriously....

In this life though.. Money is very important. I'm not strong enough to leave all that I've known behind. Who doesn't want a cottage lifestyle? I want- even the bad things that comes with it because that's how humans were supposed to be.. But I'm not. I'm on my computer. And that's okay. If I try to fight my demons alone/traditionally I'll go mad [again]

I don't need that. I need Love and Family. That's what I need.. and if that means having a job then SO BE IT and you know what? I think.. I think that's where I'm finding love.

R+18 Warning! if you can handle reddit don't read this.

How can you have Romance without the Rumbles of logic.

Classicism and Romanticism. It's the prefect yin and yang.

How can I advice a Family if I can find love, hollywood is giving real love a bad rep!

Hollywood is a cult for keen dolts who's favorite interests are drugs, carnage, pedophilia, and time. How can they get access to this stuff? Us. Regular people. By showing us the "stars" they influence the commoners heavily and their main tactics are action and romance! We all want action but how can the world grow without romance. Yes it's very true that kissing, cuddling, and beauty is wonderful but how can you feel that when your given a obvious scamy brochure. What's the point of kissing if you don't know there health is like? Why cuddle if they're not comfortable? and why focus on the beauty of others!? don't you know anything about fashion!?!?!?!

You see, I dream that true love is exactly what hollywood depicts but of course they leave out the traditional and PERSONAL part of it out.

I can feel him near. My soul sparks when his presence is close. whether or not the universe tells me go for it my heart will always be decide. She's been through the most, my heart, she's the one that pumps my blood so of course she'll know how's the one. Does he smell nice? [thump] Can my eyes lock on to him? [crack] Does he accepts..me? [BOOOOOOOOM]

THAT'S THE ONE!

But what happens when you're scared? It feels just like your staring at ghost. It's not the dark you're afraid of...it's what's hiding in it. Do you dare? Intrusive thoughts.. jump, Jump, JUMP!

I can't remember when it happened. I just know every time we were near each other we locked eyes, my eyes bolted to him immediately. AND MY HEART, oh, It jumped like I watched a thriller! It's my favorite genre even though I don't watch media often since nothing interests me. He interested me. oh but he's too beautiful..so alluring.. You know those type of people look they way they do because they keep up with themselves. I know everyone have struggles yet beautiful people finds the strength to remove the pressure. How inspiring. He has style, his hair is well kept, and by the way he has his lanyard he has a car. [even now I sigh releasing my bones from the tension] He's way out of my league. Besides I have someone... Someone very very difficult but, you know, if we grow together then maybe our love will spark again? surely? but each day I saw him and our eyes greet.. I wouldn't dart my eyes away anymore. I dreamed each time hearing his voice. Him smiling at me. Morning hugs, long walks, holding hands, eating out, expressing our distress, kissing goodbye, moaning for more, UGHHHHH. The months of dreaming simple romantic desires started to make me into a dinner plan! Could I really have someone who knows how to start there adult life? Could I even be near him? At the time my attempt rescue of first love aid started draining. Why bother explaining when it's so painful?

"I don't need to do this when you already know how I feel about you, I don't need to express it and I'm not changing for anyone"

It's true. Those were Marcello words for me. I wanted so much that didn't need to be done. That was my love language though, right? Why can't I have it.. Don't I deserve it? I'm alive keeping good balancing.. why can I get more? How can it be too much? It helps me! This is bad right? I'm not trying to be bad I'm just trying to reason.. Think straight. Everyone has to think straight...

I do feel like a star. Without know I can already do amazing things. You know true stars- up in the sky are shapeless well not really, they're spheres but still they're plasma there fore they are shapeless! But everyone always draw them with five points. I know when you see light from afar it bends depending on the lens showing you such points.. However.. Evenso...no one can see me like how I do.

So yeah I can't think straight. it's not like me. I want what I want and I can't keep bending. I want to maintain one form right now. I want to become a magical girl and when I do, I'll finally be able to start a family and since I made it, it'll a family meant for me! I spend the beginning of my life being confused and hated but now I know I deserve love! so fuck you! This time I won't be hesitant, this time I'll do dare!

I do love how exotic of a person I am in spirit and appearance but certain people on the internet decides to call girls like me a 'pick me girl' DDDX is it like that trope of stupid blondes? That's just people being bullies though! so- so what if I am @-@ they're don't understand the struggles! No one has ever called me that but I do feel like they are mocking me.. SO WHAT!? I've been bullied and stared at my whole life [I can still barely handle it] but who cares! THEY DONT KNOW MEEEEEE. They're probably some pedophile or murder anyways! I'm neither of those things THEREFORE I AM A BETTER PERSON THAN MOST OF THESE CLOTHED PSYCHOS, Everyone is a suspect!! EVERYONEEEE

oh owo but that doesn't mean friendship shouldn't exist, you see I think that there's many types of realties- not just dreams and this shared reality no. I'm talking about the personal! The 2D Dimensional! Technology baby!! In my dream reality I love myself so much that being alone is great!! AND I'll have 2 lovely people that forms a friend group! 1 grand friend I can hang out with! Co-worker mates! and obviously A LOVER! and this is finally the story of my

Paramour with Soul!!!

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